CHAPTER 12


It was not 8:30 yet so Kate was killing time reading a book she had found in his office. They were now officially sharing his room, their room. There was no need for staying in the guest room anymore. She was more than a guest and everyone in that house knew it. Castle was lying next to her. He ran his finger up and down her scar, the one on her left side.

"Does it still hurt?" he asked softly.

She gazed away from the book. He was awake. He craned his head to look up at her, his finger still on her scar.

"Barely. Just some rare times when I make certain movements."

"Does it hurt when we m-"

"No, Rick. It doesn't. I would have said something." He was so gentle when they made love that it had not hurt. Maybe the pleasure was taking the pain away too when it was rougher. He kept looking at the scar, caressing it with his finger. "Do you still think about that day?" she asked.

"Of course I do."

She gently put her book down on the night stand and laid down next to him, before snuggling in his arm, her head resting on his shoulder. He was holding her hand, playing with her fingers.

"You know... no one really told me what happened in the ambulance," she said, implying she wanted to know.

"Why would you want to know that?" he asked looking at her, confused. "Wasn't it you that told me that some things are best being not remembered? Well, how could you even remember given..." he added, looking away.

"Given what?"

"I can't, Kate, it's..." He shook his head. That scene had been playing in his mind over and over again. He had woken up so many times in the middle of the night the months that followed the shooting. She understood that it was hard for him. I watched you die in that ambulance, he had told her. But she wanted to know. What had happened to her? What had she gone through, exactly? He finally gave up seeing the look on her face. She was almost begging. "Okay... What's the last thing you remember?"

"You... telling me you loved me."

Right. She remembered that part. And he remembered the way he had learned about it, how betrayed and humiliated he had felt.

Laid on his back, staring at the ceiling, he took a deep breath and started describing the scene to her. He started slowly, one sentence after an other. Taking the time. Or maybe he just had a hard time saying it.

"You lost consciousness. I talked to you, I tried to wake you up but... I was frozen to the spot. Lanie came running and I gave her some space, I was holding your hand as she started performing CPR on you. She told me to keep pressure on the wound. When the ambulance arrived you had already lost a lot of blood... Lanie and I got on the ambulance with you. She kept performing CPR while the EMT was putting all those things in your arm and plugged them to the monitor to check your vitals. I was holding your hand." Matching words with action he took her hand in his the way he had in the ambulance. "What else could I do? I kept begging, asking you to hold on, to stay alive. Then, a few minutes later, we heard severals beeps. The monitor was going crazy. The EMT yelled to the driver BP is dropping, she's crashing! I was terrified. I didn't even know what that meant anymore." As she was listening to him, she could hear the pain in his voice. He was reliving it. He was speaking faster, breathing harder, as though he was in that ambulance all over again. "He stopped the ambulance on the side of the road. I yelled at him. Why the hell do you stop! I just wanted to get to the hospital as soon as possible but he told me they couldn't do that while driving. They used the defibrillator," he paused a little longer. He could feel tears coming up but held them and continued. "Charging... Clear..." he shook his head. "Charging... Clear... Five, six times! Charging... Clear... Nothing. I begged him to do it again, to keep trying. Charging... Clear... Nothing! I yelled Again!" he said in a trembling voice. "He looked at me, he looked at Lanie. She nodded, so he did it again. Charging... Clear..." he swallowed and sighed as if he was relieved. "We heard a small beep," he said. The grip of his hand on her back was stronger. As if he was clinging on to her. He had not wanted to let her go. He still didn't want to let her go. "... followed by another beep... and another. You were alive." He kissed her softly on her forehead. "You were stabilized. At least for a while. I was... He set off again. When we got to the hospital, Lanie was still doing CPR, the whole time she'd been... I let your hand go when they took you out of the ambulance. I ran down the corridor after them, after you, until the doctors at the ER told Lanie to let them do their job. She couldn't go any further. We couldn't go any further. There was nothing more we could do for you. We could only wait," he paused. "That was a long wait."

They both stayed silent a moment. Some people would completely forget what happened in times like these, others would have messy memories. But Castle remembered every details. He remembered every details of the time he thought he had lost her.

"Thank you," she said gently. She could feel the fear he had experienced. He had seen her die in that ambulance. Now she knew the whole story, there was no missing part anymore. "And thank you for going through this with me."

"That's what partners are for."

"I heard you were more than a partner."

"True," he said with a shy smile. He had gotten it straight a few days earlier.

"I'm fine," she told him to reassure him, seeing he was still thinking about it.. She was fine. She was alive and well.

"Yeah... you're fine."

Now he was hoping she would be for a long time, as he was waiting for a confirmation from Mr Smith. Would they always have to look over their shoulder? He hoped not.

"So... you really would have taken a bullet for me, huh?"

"Yeah," he said, pensive. "Alexis wasn't too happy about that. Not that she doesn't like you, but she was terrified. She thought I had been hurt, she thought I had been careless. I understand. You know... when I saw them at the hospital, I realized that I had not..." he stopped, ashamed of what he was about to say. "I had not paid attention to anything else, no one else... I didn't lose sight of you. I didn't even... I didn't even make sure that my own daughter and mother were fine."

She could hear his quivering voice, his hand was covering his mouth as to make himself swallow back those words.

"You knew they were fine," she said gently.

"What?"

"Subconsciously. You knew they were fine. There was one gunshot, I was lying on the ground bleeding. And you knew I was the target. Subconsciously you knew no else had been hurt."

"Still, I should have checked."

"Hey, don't do this. Don't blame yourself. It's over."

"Yeah... it's over." It was almost over.

"Come on, where is that smile of yours? Let's not start the day with too many dark thoughts and painful memories. Let's cheer up a bit. You're usually very good at cheering people up."

He made her come closer so that she snuggled up against him. All he wanted was to lay here with her in his arms. She was fine. She was alive.

##########

Later that day, Kate was browsing through job offers on the Internet. She was lying on the couch of the living-room, her legs resting on Castle's laps.

"Okay so let's browse through categories then: medical, nuh don't have the education; administrative... too much paperwork; sales, marketing, logistics, building construction..." She looked up when she heard Castle chuckle.

"Wearing a safety helmet, a hammer in one hand, a-"

"Maintenance, legal..." she cut him off, briefly looking up at him again as she carried on reading the list.

"Legal! Justice. That's what you aimed for at college. Why wouldn't you take back the-"

"Right. So that I could see the criminals we've put behind bars walking out free... no thanks," she sighed. "There are so many possibilities..." she said, confused. "I need to find something in the meantime, doesn't really matter what. I still haven't made my mind about what I'm gonna do."

"You'll figure out, it's only been a week. Give yourself some time."

"I have bills to pay, Rick, and a rent."

"That's not a problem, I can help you-"

"No," she said almost too dryly. "Thank you, that's very sweet but..." she said more gently, "my bills, my money."

"You sound like my mother," he exclaimed with a chortle. "Except that she doesn't pay a rent," he said a little louder for Martha to hear. She was in the kitchen quietly preparing dinner. Until then all she had heard was mumbling. She had not made out what they were talking about but they looked cute together. Kate looked at Castle questioningly. How was she supposed to take this comment? She sounded like his mother? "You know the bank, when we were held hostage?" he explained himself. "Same thing: she needed money for her theater school. She didn't want mine so she had to lend money from the bank, to prove she could do this on her own. Well, you know how the story ended. Look at the situation that put us in!"

"Rick..."

"I know," he said on a more serious tone. "You want your space, your independence. I get that," he paused. "But if you ever need help, for anything..."

"I know: you're here," she said with a smile, squeezing his hand.

"That's right."

They looked at each other for a few seconds. They were here for each other. They had been for years now. For better or for worse.

"Okay, I'll give it some time. At least the end of the day," she said getting up from the couch. "I gotta go."

"Where?!" he asked taken by surprise.

"Alexis told me to meet up with her."

"Really? Where?" he asked but Kate kept quiet. She loved driving him crazy. "Okay, you don't want to tell me. Fine. You girls..."

"What about us, girls? We've got our secrets but you love us anyway."

"Oh yeah!" he was still holding her hands, as she was standing up in front of him. "I don't want you to go," he said feigning whining.

"I'll be back."

"Oh! Say it again but with a deep Terminator-like voice," he said all excited which led to a lightbulb moment. "Actress! You could act! You could play Nikki Heat if they make-" She gently kissed him goodbye. "That means shut up, you talk nonsense. Got it," he said as she let his hands go and walked away with a smile on her face."Have fun! Rule #1!" he exclaimed as she walked out of the house.

He had that beatic smile on his face, the one some have when they are blissfully happy. That was the case. He noticed that Martha was looking at him from the kitchen, smiling as well.

"What?" he asked as he got up to join her, with a springy walk. "Guilty as charged. Yeah, I'm happy and totally crazy in love," he told Martha as he rested on his elbow, his face in the palm of his hand. He had that dreamy look.

"How long will the honeymoon phase last?" she asked smiling, thinking about well they got along.

"As long as possible," he said going around the kitchen counter to help her with the vegetables. "If there's one thing I've learned from being around her for four years it's to enjoy every minute. Who knows what can happen next."

"That's wise, son."

"Next thing you know, you get stuck in a giant freezer, kidnapped by the Men In Black, locked in a trunk or handcuffed about to get eaten alive by a tiger..."

"W. M. Lewis said The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."

Castle thought about it for a second and nodded in agreement.

"He's right. But you taught me better. You taught me to enjoy life, every moment of it and I'm grateful for that."

"And sometimes you enjoy it a little too much, Richard."

"I've always been a little excessive."

"Well, you look good together. As a matter of fact, not much as changed between you two, except for the physical part," she winked at him. "Alexis is not there, I can say it," she added seeing his reproving look.

"I'm not sure I want to talk about this with you..." he said a little awkwardly.

"I know. Rest assured, I don't either. Well, you already sounded like a married couple before.. Every person that met you two thought you were together anyway. At least, from now on, they will be right!"

To Be Continued...

Reviews are always appreciated! :)