So I'm a little late with this chapter. I know that I could blame it on the fact that my birthday was on Saturday and I've been busy, but honestly I just couldn't get the words to flow. I had Five thousand words, which is basically standard, written up but I still had a couple more scenes to write. So I decided to make it one big chapter and call it a day. It's actually Four O'clock in the morning right now so I'm pretty tired. I don't even know what I'm writing for this A/N right now. I'm just typing, and typing, and typing- O wait I knew what I wanted to do. I want to thank my peoples.
First and foremost I gotta thank my reviewer deathbat666. That review motivated me to write the five thousand words that I probably would have put off, so basically you're the reason this chap. Is being posted right now. Thank you. And let's just say they aren't going to have the smoothest time.
Thank you lynnenikko666 for following and favoriting both my story and myself, confidence boost achieved. Also a thank you to stephaniejeanlovestoread for following, Blair Cornelia Deveraux for favoriting, and Oh To Fly for both favoriting and following my story. You guys are awesome.
Please remember to review after reading. It really does keep me motivated, hearing from you guys.
See bottom for A/N.
Disclaimer: I don't own crap. O well.
Chapter Song: War Paint By: Kelly Clarkson
Face to face, but miles away
Building trenches out of empty spaces
Lay here, next to me
And close the distance in between
Scar to scar, I wanna know
Every story that you've never told
Don't shut me out, don't think to much
Don't keep that barricade up
Don't be afraid, let me in
Cause we could be beautiful without our war paint, our war paint
Chapter 12: Taking Small Steps
"Okay. Now one hundred more."
Ugh. No more.
I'm in one of the training rooms on the Shield base that I'm currently stationed at. I've been here for about two weeks and have yet to do any hand-to-hand combat. Agent Andrew Clark, or as I like to secretly call him, Agent slave driver, has been trying to get me back into shape before I start my 'real' training for the mission. Basically he's having me start from the basics.
He was assigned to me when I first arrived at the base and the second I laid my eyes on him I knew that this wasn't going to be easy for me. He just looks like a hard-ass. I was right in my assumption, Clark has been making me get up at the crack of dawn to do sprints, which I totally love by the way. Right after we finish (I finish) doing the sprints, he makes me do two hundred push-ups and one hundred pull-ups. It almost killed me on my first day here. Hasn't anyone ever told this guy you need to start out slow and work your way up? Apparently not.
Once I'm done with my morning work-out, I'm sent down to Agent Lila Hudson for my daily debriefing and lesson in espionage. They debrief me on what they've learned about the Orion group that day. Which hasn't been much yet, we haven't been able to hack into any of their coded messages or get a read on where their base of operation is. Espionage training is my favorite part of the day. I'm placed in a bunch of different situations that may be a possibility for this mission, and find my way out of it.
Agent Hudson has told me that I excel at improvising under pressure. I figured I would be, when you lie to everyone that you know it becomes second nature.
Even though I may bitch for having to do all of this, seeing as how I've been an agent for a while now, I like having something to focus on. I've always felt better when I have a routine to follow and to be honest, I kind of missed this. The training, the small talk you make with agents you pass in the halls, the general simplicity of it all.
Don't get me wrong, the exercise and emotional output you have to go through when being re-trained is grueling, but it's worth it. It's what I'm meant to do. I can pretend that I'm normal all I want, but I'm always going to be an agent of Shield and I can't change that. No matter how hard I try.
Plus the fact that I haven't seen Bucky for two weeks may have to do with it. He was sent to a different facility. One that specializes in training new recruits that have crossed over from the other side. I guess precautions have to be taken when dealing with something delicate like that.
It was strange at first, not seeing him everyday. I had gotten used to him being around. Even if we didn't see eye to eye all of the time, I actually liked having someone around I could have a real conversation with. If only I could have said that to him before all of this went into motion. Now I'll be lucky if I get the chance.
I don't really have a minute to think about him all that much though. Since I get up at five in the morning and go until I get into bed at ten at night. It's been constant go, go, go, since I got here. I wish I could take a break sometimes. Especially at times like this.
"Are you serious? I already did my hundred. You want more?" I say to Clark while breathing in heavy gulps of air. "I might die if I do any more."
"A hundred more Parker. I've gone easy on you for long enough." He says while he hits the punching bag that he's been beating on for an hour now.
"Easy!? You call this shit easy? I'm about to keel over. Plus I gotta get to my lesson with agent Hudson." She's pretty easygoing of a person, but I'm not gonna let that on while I'm around him. If I did he would probably keep me here til one, and I ain't about that.
"Didn't she tell you?" He asks, stopping his assault on the bag for a moment.
I grab my towel off the bench, situated against one of the walls, and wipe the sweat that's gathered on my forehead. "Tell me what?"
"She was given an assignment yesterday. She left last night, told the director that you're espionage training was complete. She said that you're ready for the field." He takes a drink from his bottle of whatever gross antioxidant drink mix he made for himself today. He tried to get me to drink it once, I outright laughed in his face.
I take a pause from my heavy breathing, "She said that I was ready? So does that mean I get my mission specs now?"
That's what I've been working toward. When we're deemed ready by our trainers we're given a file on everything they expect us to learn, and become, for the assignment. That's also when we learn our new identities. We have to memorize all of the things in the file. I wanted to get the file as soon as possible, so I can have more time to memorize it all. I've never been all that great at remembering things. I used to have to write flash cards for my missions, so I could quiz myself. I'm not sure I'll have that luxury for this mission though.
Clark looks at me like I'm the stupidest person on planet Earth. C'mon, I'm not that bad. "No, you aren't going to be given your mission specs until I clear you for field duty. I'm not even close to clearing you yet. You still have a lot to learn kid."
What the shit! "I've done everything you've asked of me. You haven't let me get in the ring with anyone, hell you haven't let me do anything except build up muscle. You have no idea what I can do, or what I need to learn, because you haven't even given me a chance to show you. I'm a pretty damn good fighter, you don't know that though because you refuse to let me fucking fight!" I'm out of breath again when I finish.
I wasn't really planing on freaking out on him. I tried being patient. It hasn't worked. He's just another one who thinks I don't have what it takes to do this. It's really starting to piss me off.
"Well first off, you need to learn respect. You don't talk like that to your superiors. Secondly, you can't lose your shit like that when you're working from the inside of a group like Orion. You better get control of it, or else I won't be clearing you at all." He says, scolding me.
Well maybe to get respect you gotta give it. Psh, superior? What the hell make him superior over me? I want more than anything to tell him off some more, but instead I just go with, "Yes sir, I'll work on it." I try to say it without sarcasm, I'm not sure I succeeded. He turns his back on me and continues working the bag, letting me know he's done with talking.
I go back over to the bar and start my pull-ups again, working my arms past the point of no return. I had just gotten rid of the aching that comes after these too. Now my whole body's going to hurt like a bitch tomorrow morning.
Not only has he not given me the chance to properly train, he won't even sign off on weapons training. I was looking forward to having a bow in my hands again. Of course I'll never get the chance if Clark has anything to say about it, and I'm sure he does. I wish I had laser vision so he could feel the holes I'm burning into his back right now.
Once I'm done with my pull-ups I go over to the bench to sit for a minute. I look over at Clark and see that he's done with the bag and is now doing sit-ups. God, does he ever stop? I wonder what I'm going to be doing now if I'm done with my espionage training. I lean back against the wall and close my eyes.
I let my thoughts wander. I'm taken back to when I was first training to become a Shield agent. I was twelve at the time and I had been begging my parents to let me train for a while. I first wanted to learn when they had taken me to Shield headquarters. They were there for a meeting and brought me along so that they could show me around. Seeing as how I was now a powered individual, I was going to be spending a lot of time here or in other Shield bases.
While they were in their meeting I decided to investigate, I had stopped at a window separating the hallway from the room inside. There were agents practicing their combat skills with each other. I was amazed by it, they seemed so in control of their bodies. Something that I hadn't been able to accomplish yet.
My parents eventually found me standing there after an hour, with the same amazed look on my face. Once they explained that the people in that room were training to become field agents, I told them I needed to be one too. I wouldn't shut up about it.
At first they laughed at me thinking I was joking, but they soon figured out that I was dead serious. They tried everything they could to distract me from it. Of course I'm not one to let things that I want go. After two years of non-stop pressure, they finally allowed me to enroll thinking that there was no way I would be accepted. To their utter astonishment, I was accepted. By none other than Phil Coulson himself. He had agreed with me, saying that I should know how to defend myself in case anything happened. Plus it would help me learn discipline, which would in turn help me master my abilities.
My first day was easy, so was the rest of that week in fact. I was the only one in my 'class' and was instructed by a really nice female agent named Katherine Pikes. I remember her so well because I was always angry with her. She would never allow me to do anything that could 'endanger myself'. Which pissed me off. I wanted to be treated like everyone else. I brought my complaints to Coulson, and after discussing it with my parents he put me in the regular program. I knew that my parents thought I wouldn't be able to take it. That's exactly why after being beaten up regularly, I still refused to admit defeat.
I refused because I knew that everyone around me was rooting for me to fail. My parents, my classmates, everyone. It didn't help that the people in my class were five to eight years older than me. They all avoided me like I was the plague, and that's when the class instructor stepped in. Agent Wilson Jensen.
Agent Jensen decided to take it upon himself to directly train me. He would keep me after class and help me with my technique. He created a specific program just for me. So that I could continue to work my way up to where the others already were. Jensen never treated me like I was a lesser agent because of my age or size, and he didn't coddle me like everyone else. He taught me how to use my own weaknesses against my opponent. He would work me until I thought I couldn't do anymore, and then make me keep going. If I told him I couldn't he would tell me that I wasn't made to be an agent and leave the room. I would sit in pity, wanting to quit for a while. Then I would suck it up and continue on.
Most mornings Jensen would come in and find me sleeping on one of the mats because I never went back to my room. Then I would wake up and start all over again. He was the only person who believed in me enough to put forth the effort to train me like a real agent. Jensen was the reason why I graduated top of my class at the age of fourteen. I could kick the ass of someone who had decades over me. He taught me that even though I was smaller and younger, I could still be an agent of Shield.
Somewhere along the way I decided I didn't care what my parents or fellow recruits thought. I worked hard for one person. It was for Agent Jensen. I wasn't going to let him down, not when he fought so hard for me. He was my mentor and someone that I actually respected.
That's why when I found out that he had died during an ambush in the Egyptian desert two years ago, I was heartbroken. It was the worst year of my life because he died three months before my parents did. It was like I had lost three parents in the span of four months. It took me a couple of weeks to come out of the hole I had dug for myself. To be honest, I'm not really sure that I've ever truly come out of it.
For a long time, I regretted never telling him about my abilities. I felt like I was lying to his face every time we trained. Only after his death did Coulson tell me that Jensen knew all along. When Coulson found out that he would be spending a lot of time with me he let him in on the secret. He wanted him to be prepared in case I lost myself and went off during a session. Coulson told him that I was still unpredictable, and I could break at any moment.
After spending some time with me one on one Jensen told Coulson that I was one of the strongest most level-headed kids he had ever known. If only he could see me now. He never let on to me that he knew though. I think in his way he was trying to help me, give me an outlet where I could completely be myself without worrying about my abilities getting in the way.
Level-headed, I know right. That sounds nothing like me. I was a different person back then. I wasn't as jaded and cynical about the world. I miss the person that I used to be, I want her back. I can never go back though, I learned that a long time ago.
"Get up Parker!" I sit up stick straight, feeling embarrassed for allowing my mind to travel so far away. I look up at Clark and see that he's a little red in the face with anger. He must have been calling my name for a while before I finally heard him. He looks like he was about to smack me out of my daze.
"Sorry, what?" He gives me an exasperated look.
"You've been assigned guard detail for tonight. Ten O'clock. So I suggest you get your ass up and take a shower while you can, you stink." He says it and then walks out of the room. Stomping the entire way. Could he be even the tiniest bit nicer? I mean I know that he's stuck with me for now, but maybe if he would just clear me for duty I could get out of his hair and he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore.
Until then, I wasn't going to take it easy on him. I'm going to be the biggest pain in the ass that he's ever met.
Guard detail, my favorite. All you do is walk around the base for hours on end, bored out of your mind. I was put on detail the second night after I arrived. I hated it. It seems like tonight won't be any different, being that I'm sore, angry, and tired. Not a great combination. Plus detail usually entails having a partner with you, so you can look after the other just in case something try's to attack.
Last time I had to deal with agent Carson, an annoyingly chipper guy. All he wanted to talk about was the Avengers, which usually I'm alright with, but he has some kind of hero worship going on. Every time I would try to change the subject to anything else, he would find a way to lead it back to Avengers. At least I wasn't as tired then as I am right now. If I had been, I probably would have lost my shit and punched him in the face.
I'm just praying that I'm not stuck with Carson again because I just may have to break a bone to get out of it. I stand up from my comfy spot on the bench and collect my things up off of the floor. I walk to my room on the second floor of the base, passing some agents on my way. I wave to them and give the most convincing smile that I can manage.
Once I'm in my room I immediately flop down on my little bed. I look over at my alarm clock, sitting on my bedside table, and see that it's almost eight. Good I have a little time to relax before I take my shower. I close my eyes for a couple of minutes.
I end up lying there for thirty minutes when I hear my phone chirp, letting me know that I've got a text. I begrudgingly sit up and check it. It's from Coulson, it says to call him in the morning, he has some tings that he needs to discus with me. I hope that it's about the mission specs. I just want to get it all over with so I can start feeling fully ready for this. Until I learn what I'm going to be doing, I'm going to be worrying that I'm unprepared.
I get up off of the bed and head into the bathroom, I strip off my clothes and stare at my reflection. I can see bruises on my arms and shins from overuse. I can also see that I've lost some of the fat on my stomach and now am developing muscle there. The same goes for my arms and legs. I can see that Clarks extreme workouts have shown to benefit my body, which pisses me off even more.
Yeah I can complain, but now I'm a hypocrite for saying that the workouts aren't helping me in any way. I look up at my face and see that my cheeks have sunken in a little. I know that I haven't been eating as much as I should, but by the time I'm finished with my sessions with Clark and Hudson, I go to my room and crash. Before I can critic myself any further I step into the shower.
I'm rewarded with instant muscle relaxation. I can feel the tension in my body fade away as the water runs over me. Once I'm done washing I turn the water off, to my body's protest, and step out to dry.
As I'm getting dressed for detail I can feel myself tense again. Every step I take hurts my entire body. Damn, I wish I was assigned to Pikes. She wouldn't have made me do anything. She would've just put me through immediately.
I work my way to the cafeteria and use my meal card to buy a burger and a chocolate milkshake. It's nine fifteen so I have a little time before I have to sign in. I eat my burger and suck down my milkshake a little to fast, which gives me a brain freeze. I rub my temples and lay my head on the table. I feel like this day couldn't possibly get any worse.
The second I think it I know I shouldn't have. Whenever you think things can't get worse the world always shows you that it can.
"Shit. Now what'll happen." I say it out loud to myself. I half expect to slip on something as I make my way to the trashcans. I throw my trash away. Okay, so far so good. Maybe the universe decided to let up on me and give me a break for a couple hours. I start to make my way to the detail station. It's inside a small outpost situated right outside of the base. I swipe my key card and go inside.
I'm greeted by the post guard, Jackson Grieves. He's sitting at a desk in front of a bunch of screens that have the security footage on them. "Hey Ari. How's it going?" He says as he turns to look at me.
"Fine I guess. Clark's still giving me a hard time though. I feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer multiple times. So if you consider that good, then I guess I'm freakin fantastic." I say sarcastically.
He cringes "I know how that is, Clark was my class instructor my first year. He's one angry person. Well at least you won't have to spend that much more time with him since you're already trained."
"Yeah if only he would see that. I don't know if he'll ever clear me for field." I say sounding defeated while leaning my arms on the table.
"Just give it some time. He'll eventually see how kick-ass you are. Tell you what, once he officially clears you we'll celebrate. Maybe we can go out for some actual food, instead of the crap they feed us here. What do you say?" He says it giving me a hopeful look.
I know exactly what he's trying to do. He's been working on asking me out since we met. He stops me to strike up a conversation whenever I walk by him. At first he seemed a little shy, like he was afraid that I would shoo him away. Once he found out I wasn't a complete bitch is when he took it a step further. He started dropping hints a couple days ago. For example, he would say things like: "I'm probably going off base with a couple other agents tonight if you wanna tag along" or "I can't wait to get out of here, I haven't seen the sun in months. Hey maybe they'll put me on the mission with you", I was wondering when he would finally work up the nerve to ask me out.
I was secretly hoping that he would give up though. I new I should keep my distance as soon as he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I'm not really looking for a boyfriend right now, actually it's one of the last things on my mind. Looking at Jack now though, I realize maybe I was giving off the wrong signals.
I look at him, actually look at him for the first time since I met him, and I see that he's really kind of cute. Especially with the puppy dog eyes he's giving me right now. If I had to guess I'd say he's probably around six feet tall, with a light muscular build. He has tanned skin and dark hair cut short (the cut most male agents have). He has a smile that could brighten up any room and brown/green eyes that always sparkle with happiness.
I'm actually thinking of taking him up on his offer. I mean, how bad could one date be? I could do a whole lot worse than Jack. I might be able to see myself with him, he could balance my sarcastic attitude out. It would be easy with Jack. I would never be able to tell him about my abilities but still, he wouldn't expect anything out of me, except for me to be myself. I'm about to say yes to him when a nagging thought in the back of my mind stops me.
It's saying "Jackson isn't the one that you want. Is it really fair to be with him when you constantly think of someone else? Do you want to end up breaking the poor guys heart when he figures it out? Because he will figure it out, you're not going to be able to keep your desires to yourself forever. There's going to come a point where you're going to give in. He shouldn't have to go through the fallout." I try to push it back to where it came from, but I can't stop thinking it.
I know that it isn't fair to him, he's such a good guy. I know that I could be selfish and say yes, not caring what happens to him when the shit hits the fan. I can't be selfish with him though, he's to good for that. I'm about to tell him that I probably won't be able to go anywhere after I'm cleared, seeing as how I'll be going straight into the mission. Hoping that he won't be to hurt by that. But before I can say anything we're interrupted by a knock on the door.
Jackson looks a little annoyed when he turns to check who it is on the monitor. While he's preoccupied, I take the chance to put my gear on and grab a tranq gun. I still have my back to Jackson when he says "looks like your partners here." Please, on all that is holy in this world, don't let it be Carson. I keep my back to the door, hoping that if I don't turn around I'll have a better chance at it not being Carson. Plus if it is him, the second I turn around he's going to start on me with the Avengers nonsense.
I hear Jack roll his chair and click a pen open "I gotta sign you in before I let you take any weapons from the vault. What's your name?"
"James Barnes."
Even though I wasn't really paying any attention, I would still know that voice, and name, anywhere.
I don't want to move because if I move he's going to spot me. All I want to do is curl up on the ground and become non-existent. I thought that I would have some more time to deal with my own shit before I had to deal with our shit. I didn't think that we would have to see each other until we were brought in for the pre-mission meeting.
I new I shouldn't have jinx myself, things can always get worse.
"Alright agent Barnes. What is your reason for being here?"
"I was put on fence detail."
I know I can't hide forever. I turn around and look at Bucky for the first time in two weeks. He is still standing in front of Jackson, he doesn't see me just yet. I take those few moments to admire- I mean, look him over.
He looks almost exactly like he did two weeks ago. The only difference is the drawn look on his face. Like he's been awake the entire time he's been gone. I can see that he's gained more muscle too, like me. Only unlike me he looks solid, he must be eating the crappy food then. All in all he seems okay. I don't know what I was expecting though. What, was he going to look devastated because I wasn't with him twenty-four seven. C'mon. Just because I missed him a little doesn't mean he felt the same, and it doesn't matter to me anyway.
My time surveying him is over though, when Jack says, "You're all set agent Barnes. You can get your gear right over here, and your patrolling partner for tonight is going to be agent Parker." Jack nods his head in my direction.
It's like time stops for a moment when our eyes meet. I'm just kidding, shit like that doesn't happen in real life. He does look over at me though, and I do stop breathing for a second. He's doing the same thing to me that I just did to him a moment ago. The expression on his face stays the same the whole time, he doesn't as much as crack a smile at me. I honestly don't know how to feel about that.
Jackson seems to notice the tension in the room because he asks, "Do you two know each other already?"
Bucky and I both shake ourselves out of our staring contest and reply, "Yes." "Kind of." We say it at the same time and Jack looks confused as hell. "So you do know each other." This time it's directed at me.
"Yeah. We're being put on the Orion mission together." I say it simply, like it isn't a big deal. Like I'm not completely freaked out about the fact that Bucky and I may be spending weeks if not months together. All while trying to keep our covers in tact. God I really want to be able to pull this through, but I'm reminded of why I wanted to avoid him for as long as possible.
The second I heard his voice I was struck all at once with the emotions I was trying to repress. This is going to be impossible. I better get used to pushing them away. I realize I was starting to drift when I hear Bucky asks, "Are you ready?"
He's standing by the door with his gun already in hand. I nod my head, deciding not to reply altogether. Maybe if I don't talk to him he'll let me be. He walks out the door and I start to follow.
"Hey Ari? Did you think about my offer?" What offer? It takes me a second to remember what he's talking about, he means the date. I turn around so I can directly speak to him, since it's rude to turn someone down with your back to them. When I face him though I'm reminded of why I wanted to say yes in the first place. I want to just tell him no but I find I can't speak. I've turned someone down before, why can't I do it now?
"Yeah. I would love too, just tell me when okay?" Fuck. What did I just do? Why?
At first he looks shocked, like he thought I was going to turn him down for sure. Then he gets this big smile on his face, which makes him even more adorable, and replies, "Okay. Yeah, I'll be sure to do that." I smile back at him and walk out the door.
Why in God's name did I do that? I know I'm not interested in him, so why couldn't I just get no out?
I make my way to where Bucky is standing, and I am hit with why I said yes. My heart was telling me no, it would just hurt Jackson, probably myself, in the long run. My brain however, was telling me to go for it. I said yes because I need a distraction from the man I'm standing next to. I have to do something to distract myself from the feelings I have for him, find a way to direct them to someone else. I know it's wrong but who knows, maybe I'll learn to like Jackson?
Yeah just keep telling yourself that, the little voice inside of me says. That voice needs to pipe the fuck down.
"We'll start at the west gate and make our way around." I say to Bucky while walking ahead of him. He doesn't say anything, which is fine by me. We make our way to the west gate and I start doing the fence check. "I'll check the week points in the fence and you keep guard. Okay?" I still don't look back at him, so I'm assuming he nodded or something.
The fence surrounding the base is one like you would see at a prison, reassuring I know. It's completely metal with barbs surrounding the top. There are trespassing and condemned signs posted all over it. So if someone were to stumble upon it, it would seem as if it was closed for the safety reasons. I always liked the creative ways Shield try's to hide their secret bases.
Bucky and I keep walking in silence for about half an hour, when he breaks it and says, "How is your training going?" I was hoping the tense silence would last a little bit longer.
I sigh, "It's going okay." Thinking he'll drop back into silence I keep moving forward. Which only seems to make him angry, he grabs my arm and spins me around to face him.
"Why won't you look at me? I already apologized to you for trying to get you taken off of the mission. Are you really that angry with me for trying to protect you?" Every emotion that I'd been trying to hold back comes rushing to the surface, and anger is the first one I grab onto.
"Protect me?! Don't use that as a cop out for trying to get me pulled from the mission. You know damn well that I can protect myself, and I sure as hell don't need you to protect me!" I scream it at him, he has a genuine look of surprise on his face.
"It isn't a cop out. I was doing what I thought was best for you." He somehow manages to keep his nerves cool after I just screamed at him.
"And how would you know what's best for me, huh? You barely know me. What gives you the right to try and decide what's good for me?" This time I don't scream it at him, but I do say it in a tense and low voice.
"You're right. I don't know you all that well, but I thought that we had an understanding of each other. You said it yourself that we're alike in certain ways. So when I heard the Director say that he was going to put you on this mission I acted out of instinct, an instinct I honestly didn't know I still possessed. That instinct was to protect you, a person I care about, and I thought that I could do that by keeping you away from the danger that'll come with this. I now see that I was wrong, but I never meant to undermine you in any way. I know that you're a skilled agent. Hell, you took in a cold blooded assassin who could have been working for the other side for all you knew. You took a chance on me where others wouldn't have and from here on out I will be the first to stand behind you whenever you need me. I promise."
I'm sure I look like a deer in headlights, because I sure as hell wasn't expecting that long speech. I can see the sincerity in his eyes, he really means it. I can't find anything to say, everything I had prepared was meant to be yelled. He did the one thing no one else has ever been able to do. He caught me off guard, with my walls down. I feel vulnerable, which is something I never allow. I've been staring wide eyed at him for a good two minutes now. I should probably say something.
I blink a few times to give myself a moment to try and gather thoughts, any thoughts. I open my mouth but I haven't come up with anything. I start to feel stupid, standing there with my mouth wide open. I can feel myself blush and I'm praying it isn't visible in the dark.
Before I make a complete ass out of myself I say the only thing I can think up, "Thank you." Which comes out as more of a croak since my vocal cords seem to be stunned into silence. I turn back around toward the fence and start walking again, feeling super awkward.
My head is in a daze as I walk. How does he do it? First he's an emotionless robot who doesn't say anything. Next he starts worming his way into my life without even trying. Then he finds a weak spot he didn't even know I had, and I decide to label him as an asshole. Now he's apologizing and making me feel all nervous and weird. Somewhere along the way our relationship changed. I went from hating him for no reason, to him being the only thing I can think about.
Couldn't he have just stayed the emotionless robot. I mean things would be so much simpler.
I don't even know what it is about him that makes me want him so much. I know it isn't based on his good looks. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's incredibly easy on the eyes but there are a lot of hot normal guys out there that I could be with. I don't think it's his personality either because I haven't been around him long enough to get a grip on what the real Bucky Barnes acts like. He had to have been a good guy though, seeing as how his best friend is still trying to get that part of him back.
I'm still in front of him, checking the fence, when it hits me.
He's the only person who's ever made me feel accepted. I opened up to him because I knew he would never judge me. I know it sounds idiotic, but no one has ever made me feel as comfortable as he has. I know I could tell him almost anything and he would take it in stride. That's the reason why I've never dated anyone. I could never truly be who I am because they couldn't possibly understand me. Only, Bucky does, he understands because he's in the same boat that I am. He's never expected anything of me. He wants me for me. That's why I was so angry when he tried to replace me on the mission, because I trusted him to have my back. I trusted him. I don't even trust myself and yet I trust him. When did that happen?
"Ari? You okay?" I realize I stopped dead in front of him.
I turn around and clear my throat. "Yeah I was just thinking."
"About?" He asks with furrowed brows, I'm sure he's thinking that I'm going to start yelling at him again.
I know because I can feel how startled he is when I grab his face and smash my lips against his. He tenses up for a second, like he doesn't understand what I'm doing. He relaxes when he realizes I'm not trying to pull away. His molds his lips and moves them against mine perfectly. His hands grab my waist, pulling me in. When there's no space between us I stretch up on my tip toes to deepen the kiss. One of Bucky's hand circles around to the small of my back pressing me even closer, if that's possible, while the other one shapes to the back of my head tipping it back to give him better access of my mouth. I move my hands from his face so I can circle my arms around his neck. Before I can deepen the kiss any further Bucky beaks away from me, moving to rest his forehead against mine.
I stare up into his beautiful diamond blue eyes. We're both breathing heavy, neither of us making to move away. We're oblivious to the world around us. Right in this moment, it's just him and I. Standing like this, with our arms around each other. This feels even more intimate than the kissing. I feel like he's staring into my soul, and I'm not afraid. I know I could tell him my darkest secrets and he wouldn't bat an eye.
Bucky closes his eyes and I can feel him smile against my lips. It's one of his real smiles, the ones I love. I close my eyes and breath him in. He smells of sawdust and cinnamon. A scent I'm forever going to associate with him. I feel him move his hand from the back of my head, his fingers gently grazing my face. He places his warm palm on my blushed cheek. I open my eyes to see him already gazing down at me. I smile, really smile, for the first time in weeks. I know I shouldn't be here with him, I should be the one to walk away, but I can't bring myself too. I let all of my worries go, because right now all I can think about is the way Bucky's holding me. It's even better than I imagined it would be.
He leans back down toward me. His lips grazing across mine again, but this time is different than a moment ago. This time he's kissing me like we have all the time in the world, he's not rushing anything. It's not lust filled, it's sweet and slow.
I've only ever kissed two people in the world. The first was Rodney Hershel in third grade. It was a dare from my friends, and I'm never one to back out of a dare. The second was Bucky. I know, but like I said before I've never been interested in having a relationship like that. Right now I'm starting to regret that decision. Even though I know nothing could ever compare to the way Bucky's kissing me now. I feel like I could do this forever.
We move our lips in sync. He must have noticed that I'm not all that experienced in this department. So he's being sweet and gentle with me. Which is nice and all but I don't really want sweet and gentle right now.
I take my hands from around his neck and rake my fingers through his hair. I press my body closer to his, if that's even possible. I can feel his fingers curl into my back, like he's trying to keep himself in control. I slip my tongue out of my mouth to taste his lips. He must not have been expecting that, and takes in a sharp breadth of air. I take the chance to touch my tongue to his. He reacts immediately and starts an invasion on my mouth. I don't even realize that we've moved until I feel the bark of a tree rough against my back. Bucky backed me up until my whole body is aligned between his and the tree.
I know his earlier resolve is breaking when I feel his hand slip under the hem of my shirt and come into contact with the skin of my lower back. He doesn't make a move other than that though. He just rubs his thumb lightly against my skin. I gasp at when I feel the cool metal on my back, electrifying me. He seems to take that as a good sign because he moves his mouth away from mine, and starts an attack on my throat. He moves his lips slowly over my pulse point and I moan at the feel of it. Bucky's hand starts to move upward under my shirt, testing the waters. I feel his tongue come out as he starts licking and sucking on the sensitive spot he's discovered. I'm breathing heavier than before and my grip in his hair has tightened. I'm not even thinking about the fact that we're out in the open. Anyone could just walk by and catch our heady make-out session, I don't care though. This feels to good to let go. Bucky leaves the spot on my throat and works his lips along my neck toward my ear. I've moved my hands from his head and am now gripping the front of his shirt, pulling him closer. He stops his kisses when he gets to my ear, and he's about to say something when we hear a noise.
We both come out of the haze immediately, guards back up. We freeze and I try to hone in on the sound. I can't really hear anything over the sound of him breathing though. I try to stay focused. We hear faint cracking sounds from above, (above?) and then boots crunching the leaves under them when someone drops from the tree next to us.
Bucky spins around, looking deadly as ever, and I step out from behind him. What I see is the end barrel of a gun, pointed directly at Bucky. I move my eyes from the gun to the assailant. The assailant we allowed to sneak up on us during a vulnerable moment. I can't make out any features in the darkness, though I can see that whoever it is, is male. Before Bucky or I can make a move to get the gun away from him, two more men drop from the trees. Wonderful, did everyone watch us make-out?
With three guns on us I decide I should be the one to try and talk seeing as how Bucky's a more act now talk later type of person "What do you want?" I ask it boringly, like I couldn't care less. Which is the furthest from the truth. For a split second I think that maybe this is Coulson trying to test our ability to work as partner.
The one straight in front of use is the first to talk, "We are the children of Orion, we are here to rid the world of the abominations called humans. Starting with this base." Alright, sooo not Coulson.
And I thought things couldn't possibly get worse. Why do I always have to prove myself wrong?
A/N: So yeah, what'd you think? This is the first heated romance scene I have ever written. Please, please, let me know if it was okay. I must know, okay uh, bye.
