CHAPTER 12
Petra was reaching the stage when all the little things that she normally took for granted had started to become awkward. Sitting, sleeping, bathing, dressing... it all factored in to her general frustration with her situation. Being that she wasn't quite five months along, the shape of her body hadn't conspicuously changed to the eye of the random passerby. Her clothes still fit fairly well, and concealed her bump for the most part. However, her belly was big enough now that it was noticeably in the way at times. She hadn't yet gotten used to compensating for a part of her body that wasn't normally there, and it would only get worse. When she leaned over to wash her hands in the sink, her belly gently rested on the counter. When she dressed in the mornings, she had trouble closing the latch on her bottoms. She would always sigh afterward, brushing off her irritation as best she could, reminding herself that she loved the child that was growing inside her, she loved it's father, and that this was the sacrifice she had to make to bring this child into the world.
Alongside the discomfort, other aspects of being pregnant irritated her as well. Petra found herself constantly having to use the bathroom, and she couldn't stop eating. Her cravings were the strangest thing of all. There was never much meat in the house, since it was so expensive, but she could always get chicken giblets cheap at the corner market. To her, they tasted amazing, especially when fried in a skillet with just a bit of salt. She would have never given such a disgusting dish a second glance before, but now it was all she wanted to eat, along with plenty of fresh vegetables, which her mother grew in the garden.
The worst part was watching her body get bigger. She wasn't truly getting fatter, as most of her weight seemed to be staying in her belly. But she felt heavier, and sluggish. She was, after all, carrying around weight that she wasn't used to carrying. Before, she had only been a little heavier than 120 pounds, and now she was at least five pounds heavier, but it was a noticeable difference on her small frame. Some nights after showering, she found herself standing before the mirror, judging her figure. Every time, she told herself she was going to stop, because seeing herself just brought on bouts of remorse. But the next night, there she would stand, doing it again. Petra had never been a vain person, but she regretted that her body had gotten so out of shape. Would she still be able to knock Auruo on his ass after she'd had the baby? She couldn't very well train to keep herself tuned the way she could several months prior. Instead, she settled for walks with her sister, and running errands with her mother or father. It kept her busy, and at least somewhat active, even if it wasn't the amount of activity to which she had grown accustomed.
Her mother and father remained ever watchful, and her sister was always there to snuggle up with at night, or to just keep her company if she needed it. Fay was no substitute for the person she truly wished to be with, but she loved her sister, so she made do.
All in all, she felt pretty good. When she hit sixteen weeks, the doctor examined her again, and according to her, the baby was growing at the expected rate, and seemed to be thriving just fine. Other than Petra's constant hunger, grogginess, and feelings of being too fat, she felt just as normal as she always had.
When she wasn't focusing all of her energy on keeping her body healthy, she thought about the scouts. In three days the Scouting Legion would embark on its next expedition outside the wall. Petra had been keeping all of her fellow soldiers in her thoughts, and wished for a safe return for all of them. She desperately desired to be among them, but knew that would never happen again. Most of all, she thought about Levi, hoping and praying that he came back unharmed. She knew that she worried more than necessary, but she couldn't help it. After what happened last time, she would always carry that doubtful paranoia in the back of her mind.
That night, her slumber was less than sound. She tossed and turned throughout the night, somehow always mindful not to turn on to her stomach. Nightmares plagued her subconscious, though she couldn't remember anything about them when she awoke the next morning.
Birds chirped in the distance outside, filling the air with warbling melodies. The room was a bit chilly, but that was expected so early in the morning. One thing she didn't expect was a chill that ran through to her bones. Her body felt weak, as if all her energy had been drained. She was familiar with what it felt like to wake from a restless night's sleep, and this wasn't it. It was similar to that sensation, however, in that she felt sapped, albeit in a much more extreme sense, as if she'd been awake the entire time, and had been doing cartwheels all the while. Her muscles felt slack, as if they couldn't draw enough power to move properly. Petra also felt mildly lightheaded, which definitely didn't bode well.
Something was wrong.
She couldn't put her finger on it, and although she didn't necessarily feel sick, a strange sensation of confusion and emptiness had started creeping over her.
Petra pushed herself up into a sitting position, and when she did so, her hands pressed into some kind of warm, damp liquid that had soaked through the bed sheets. Her brow furrowed, the feeling of emptiness growing stronger in her gut.
Bringing her hand up to examine the phenomenon, her heart dropped when she saw it. Dark red blood settled between the cracks in her skin around her knuckles, and dripped down her fingers in fat, sickening drops.
Her breath caught in her throat as she silently begged for this to be just another nightmare. She was still asleep. If she could just wake up, everything would be fine.
Gasping for air, she desperately threw the covers off of herself. When she laid eyes on the sight before her, she blinked, mouth agape, hoping that at any minute it would disappear. But it didn't. Panic trembled through her raised hands and her breath stuck in her lungs as only incredulous whimpers escaped.
The bed beneath her had been practically soaked through with a deep crimson hue. To her horror, she dazedly came to the realization that this wasn't a dream. This was as real as the skin on her bones and the sun in the sky. Not only was the stain on the bed so deep that it was nearly black, but blood had gotten smeared all over her legs as she'd tossed through the night, and stained her clothes as well.
Just then, she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces as something inhuman ripped itself from inside her chest. She wasn't fully aware at first that the gut-wrenching, agonizing cry was actually coming from her, but rather from some siren that warned of a massive titan onslaught.
If she thought she knew what despair felt like when she'd left Levi, it was nothing like the pain that viciously ripped her to shreds now. In a matter of seconds, all the months, all the fuss she'd created, the heartbreak she had endured and no doubt inflicted upon Levi as well, had become meaningless. The baby, whom she had loved from the moment she learned of its existence, was gone, and with it, a significant piece of her.
Her mother came rushing into the room, awakened from sleep by the uproar.
"Petra! What's… oh no."
Petra couldn't see her mother fly to her side through the tears that streamed down her face like a torrential downpour. But she suddenly felt a strong embrace as her mother threw her arms around her, pulling her close and holding her as tightly as possible. They stayed like that for a while as her mother gently stroked her hair, shushed her, and reassured her that everything would be all right. Petra just cried. Loudly. The sound was muffled only slightly by her mother's shoulder. She held her bloodied hands up before her, as if she didn't know what they were.
"Mom, what's going on?" Petra heard Fay's quiet, groggy voice out in the hallway, slowly getting louder as she approached the room. She didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore.
Suddenly the loving embrace disappeared as her mother flew to the door. "Don't come in here," she heard her mother plead. "Go back to bed, sweetheart. I'll come wake you when it's time for breakfast. Okay?"
"Why is Petra crying?"
"Fay, go back to bed. Now. I'll come get you, just stay in your room." They were frantic words, ones meant to distract, but did no such thing. Petra's cries were so much louder.
"Mom! What's wrong?" Fay was waking up now, her tone becoming more alert and coherent the more her mother insisted that she ignore her wailing sister.
"Not now! Go back in your room! I won't tell you again!" Her mother now shouted, finally putting her foot down.
"Fine!"
A door slammed. Her mother abruptly reappeared in the doorway, and rushed to her daughter's side once more. Grabbing her by the shoulders, she helped her to her feet.
"Come on, we need to get you cleaned up."
Petra's crying had quieted, if only a bit. She had devolved into violent fits of sobbing and shuddering as her mother led her to the bathroom. Drawing her a bath, she helped her in, the warm water tinged pink before long. Her mother left then, and Petra pulled her knees up to her chin, another wave of tears overtaking her. Her mother returned mere seconds later.
"Here, sweetheart. Drink this," her mother said, handing her a glass of water. "Be sure to drink it all, but not too fast. I don't want you getting sick."
Petra took the glass, and gulped sloppily, choking on her own sobs all the while. She felt so stupid and ashamed. How could this have happened? What had she done wrong? The doctor said everything was going well. What had she done to ruin it?
Once she was clean, her mother drained the water and left her to sit in the empty tub. Petra kept her knees pulled up to her chin, but now a warm, damp towel lay draped over her head.
She could hear murmurs out in the hallway. Her mother's voice, her father's, Fay's… she knew her mother was telling them what had happened. She knew they were talking about her, and how to deal with her. As if she were some delicate thing not to be touched for fear of breaking. Perhaps that was the case. Right now, she'd be perfectly content if they all just left her alone. She didn't want to talk to anyone, and didn't want to see anyone. She just wanted to sit here and be alone. She wished to just disappear, to vanish down the drain and die in the sewer. She felt like such a failure, she couldn't stand it.
Levi had to know. She didn't care if it was going to destroy his collected manner; he needed to know about this. Now that it was over, it was time he knew the truth. After all, this loss was just as much his as it was hers, even if he didn't know about it. Perhaps he would understand and mourn silently, or maybe he would be upset and act out with violence. Petra hoped that at the very least, she would be able to confide in him, and that he would share her pain, no matter what his reaction to it. She would deal with that when the time came. Either way, this situation was no longer appropriate. Keeping this secret from him any longer would be wrong.
Petra wanted to find some kind of silver lining in this situation though, so that she didn't go completely insane. Except for the fact that her child would have grown up never knowing its father, (which wouldn't be too detrimental; many people grew up without one or both of their parents present), the only half way decent bright side she could find was that it would be one less victim at the mercy of the titans. Even so, people lived fairly comfortable lives inside the walls. The titans were out there and didn't pose much of a threat unless you were a member of the Scouting Legion. That conclusion was a stretch, but it was something.
She choked on a sob as another wave of emotion swept through her, and she buried her face in her knees once more, as violent sobs shook her naked body.
Petra didn't know how her life could get any worse.
