Chapter Twelve: The Odds of an Eternal Smile
"If you're reading this...
Congratulations, you're alive.
If that's not something to smile about,
then I don't know what is."
― Chad Sugg, Monsters Under Your Head
"I was smiling yesterday, I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow. Simply because life is too short to cry for anything."
― Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday
For two days I had an eternal smile and I think it was starting to scare the boys. Of course between the suicides they were running and the receiving drills, they really didn't have any room to complain. Because I had to feed four boys in my home, I decided that we would end practice earlier than normal. But this meant that they had to work harder during the half long workout. And now that practice was coming to an end, they were trying to slack off.
"Come on Suga!" I yell at the older boy, him looking at me with a small glare.
He always tries to fool me with running drills, thinking I won't yell at him. That's ridiculous. I look over at our faithful captain and he's giving me the evil eye. I raise an eyebrow at his overprotective nature of his fellow third year. Kiyoko comes to my side and watches the boys with me. Her constant presence calms my mind and when I find that I've been lost to the sea of my disease, she wakes me up. I think she knows something is wrong with me but doesn't know what exactly plagues my body. She and I are like different yet as we stand with our school uniforms, skirts and tights and white shirts, you could believe we were the same.
"We're done!" Tanaka yells and Hinata jumps up and down with excitement. Nishinoya watches the boy and they start to jump around. They have too much energy to be normal.
"Stretch out," I instruct and Kinnoshita and Narita moan. I throw then a questioning look but they lower themselves to the floor. The others surround them and I watch to make sure they stretch. After a few minutes, I get lost in my own world. Kiyoko once again, wakes me up.
"Your phone was beeping," Kiyoko tells me quietly and I feel my heart pound.
"Oh, al-alright," I stammer and then head to my backpack. Opening it up, my heart pounds with anticipation. When I look at the screen, I lose all the excitement. It said I had a missed call from Doctor Suoh and I sigh. What does he want now? I'll call him tonight when I take my shower. Kiyoko is suddenly behind me and I startle with her silent footsteps. The girl looks at me blankly and I know she's curious.
"Did you see the boy yesterday?" she whispers a little too loudly, the curiosity lighting up her pretty black eyes.
"What boy?" Kageyama says to my other side and I startle a second time.
The tall boy looks down with a blank face. I don't want this to escalate but it's too late. The other boys are around us and are peering at me with varying degrees of curiosity and some even with wary fatherly looks. I look away and put my phone in my skirt pocket. The boys realize that I don't necessarily want to talk about it but until I tell them it's off limits, they'll try to find out.
"Who is the boy?" Ennoshita asks softly, their best bet next to Suga to get me to talk—but seeing as how Sugawara is slightly angry at me for making him run, Ennsohita is the perfect interrogator.
I look at the second year and then grab my bag. Walking a few steps away, the crowd of boys follow. I sigh deeply. They're just worried about us, my voice comments. I close my eyes and rub my temple with my right hand. I know but how am I supposed to tell them about Aone without mentioning the train rides. Well, you could lie and say we visit someone. But I don't want to lie to them anymore.
"Let us in," Daichi offers and I glance at the group.
The boys stand silently, hoping I will try to trust them. I told them I would begin to trust them. I told them that they could help heal me. I told them they could protect me. It makes me a liar if I don't try to tell them some things about myself. Even if I stop halfway there, I have to start somewhere.
"His name is Aone," I mutter and looking at all the boys, they turn into overprotective mode. I put my hands up to comfort them.
"Did he hurt you?" Tanaka ask, venom in his voice and I shake my head profusely.
"No!" I yell too quickly. I blush a bright red as I remember Aone's gentle fingers on my neck. "He's my friend. He won't hurt me, and he was even angry at Gilbert."
"Good," Hinata perks up but then he realizes I have a friend who was a boy that none of them knew. His face turns mesmerized and he looks at Kageyama who looks at him confused. Kageyama is the most dense of everyone. But the others catch my tone of voice and look at each other, exchanging suspicious glances.
"He doesn't go here," Tsukki announces and his voice is so sure of itself. Turning to the boy, he gives me a smirk and I stick my tongue out.
"Where does he go to school?" Yamaguchi picks up where his partner in crime left off, giving me a smirk of his own. I stick my tongue out at him.
"Date Tech," I tell them before I can assess the answer. Damn those two for riling me up.
"That's a couple of towns over," Daichi muses, a hand rubbing his chin.
"Where did you meet him?" Sugawara asks and I hesitate, the smile I had on my face falls off.
I wring my hands around my satchel's strap. This is it, the point where I decide if I can say more. I say train, they ask where were you going. I say Sendai, they ask what is in the city. I say hospital, they ask if I'm sick. I say yes I'm sick, they ask what is wrong with me. I say schizophrenia, they walk away from me. The voices will scream and I will go back to who I was before them.
"Katrina, you okay?"
My hands were no longer on my backpack strap, but in my scalp, ripping at the roots of my hair. The voices rise up and I look to the boys as my brain feels like we're underwater. The boys become scared as the voices say that it's all my fault they will fail. They scream that I will be alone when we don't win. They scream that I'm stupid and ugly and terrible at teaching them and that I should quit now.
"Practice is over," I breathe out and bring my hands down. The boys stand still as statues as my world evens out. I decide to walk away but I don't get far. Nishinoya has my arm and gives me a worried expression.
"Trust us," he pleads and I swallow hard. I can't tell them, its too hard for me. Everything is hard, my voice says, but that doesn't make it impossible.
"I do trust you," I tell the short boy and his face softens. "But I'm not ready yet. I tell you guys and then everything crumbles after that, like dominoes."
"Okay, but is it the boy who we can't ask about or how you met him?" asks the calm voice of Ennoshita. I look at him and his soft face seems sincere. I huff and figure I have to answer.
"You can ask about the boy. Not about how we met," I reply with a small voice and they all perk up. They have more questions.
"What year is he in?" Yamaguchi asks and I begin walking away. Waving my hand at them, they stare with confused frowns.
"Hurry up. I want to close the gym," I chide at my small group of followers.
They nod and grab their things quickly, putting the balls away but leaving the net. Kiyoko stands next to me and I can see that she's sorry she let the cat out of the bag. I smile a reassuring smile back at her and she deflates from her anxiety. The boys hurry out and we make the way to grab mine and Hinata's bikes. The voices have faded away with my relief of not having to tell just how I met Aone, but are ebbing beneath the surface. The boys hurry out and I straighten my uniform skirt and the ponytail from my slight meltdown.
"Is he a first year?" Kageyama asks at the back of the pack.
"No, he's a second year," I reply, trying to keep my face blank but knowing a smile is coming through. Checking my phone, I find no new messages and I tap on it anxiously. Aone said he would text me. No he asked to text you, my voice corrects.
"Does he play volleyball?" Hinata bounces in front of me, sunshine of a smile. I grin at him and then remember Aone's finger. I smile a little smaller knowing it doesn't hurt him anymore and that I was part of the reason it wasn't worse.
"Yah," I mutter and the boys nod their heads. We grab our bikes and begin to walk down the path to the convenience store.
Why are we even talking about this? I know they're my friends but I don't know their other friends. Or is this how friends actually work? Is it because I'm a girl and I'm friends with another boy? Is it because they don't know just who he is? It's probably all because they are so overprotective of me and Gilbert is out there waiting to get me. We walk further down the path, the boys uncharacteristically quiet.
"We would have played against him last year then," Sugawara thinks out loud and I merely nod my head.
I have the videos from that game in the box at home. I haven't brought myself to watch them though. It will only solidify the knowledge that we might have to play against him. If we do play against him, my boys will win. I've trained them too hard for them to lose. But Aone will hate me if we beat him. He's worked really hard too. Maybe it's not a good thing to get close to him.
"Is he nice?" Nishinoya asks but Tanaka waves his hand.
"Is he good looking?" the buzz cut boy asks loudly and I turn a bright red. I look away and down the street, glad we're almost to our destination.
"I guess," I lie but Kiyoko looks at me knowingly from my side. Tsukki snickers on my other side and I pray that this interrogation is over.
"You like him," Tsukki proclaims, again really sure of himself.
"No I don't," I yell a little too loudly. The boys all chuckle and the slight teasing begins.
"You're red," Yamaguchi adds.
"And you're holding your phone and keep looking at it," Kinnoshita assesses.
"You said he was angry at your crazy coach, so he must like you too," Hinata adds in and I stop our walking.
"I don't like him," I say, perturbed by their comments. I don't like him; liking someone means wanting them to know everything about me and that's something I could never do. Besides, if I liked him and it turned into something real, I'll just get hurt, or worse, figure out that he deserves better than a schizophrenic girlfriend. "And he most certainly doesn't like me."
"How do you know?" Daichi asks with a confused look.
I sigh deeply and rub my eyes. They just don't get it. I'm not pretty like other girls and I'm foreign on top of that. Aone can get a lot of girls if he wanted and I'm lucky if I find a cat who can stand my mood swings. They only see me as some great volleyball girl right now but when that ends and we're in the real world, I'm nothing special. It's not like I can play volleyball for the rest of my life and Aone will see me like they see me forever.
"A girl just knows," I screech hysterically, my eternal smile crushed into oblivion.
I start to walk more quickly and the boys must have been in shock because they didn't follow for a long time after that. When they finally caught up, we were at the store and it was to go our separate ways. The four first years followed after me and we were soon on the five minute walk to my apartment. Hinata and Kageyama were soon arguing about whether leeks or carrots were better while Tsukki and Yamaguchi added in retorts and insults. I blocked them out of my mind and thought about what would happen if I did meet Aone in a match.
These boys who I coach trust me. They believe that I will and have done everything possible to have them win. But Aone, he's tried a lot too. He sprained his finger and was willing to practice with it while it was hurting. If we beat Date Tech, Aone won't look at me the same. I would have lost a friend. There would be no more to look forward to in Sendai. But I have to beat him for the boys. I'm going to lose the only friend I made without showing them my volleyball skills. He is the only one who noticed me for the me now and not what I used to be.
"Are you going to open the door or are we just going to stand out here the entire time?" Tsukki snickers behind me and I finally realize that we were in front of my apartment. My bike was even out of my hands and chained to the post with Hinata's. I shake my head and look for my key in my bag. It takes some time and the boys don't say a thing; they're probably still trying to figure out what is happening in my mind. I have to stop thinking about the boy with light hair and chocolate brown eyes. He's going to drive me insane.
I push thoughts and feelings into the recesses of my mind that only voices lie. But as I open the apartment door, my phone buzzes in my pocket and I know it's the one person I shouldn't get close to. It's too late to turn back now, my voice says solemnly. We're too far in right now and that is what kills me the most: the fact that it will hurt to rip myself away from him. Though, I think what scares me the most is that I don't want to rip myself away from the boy.
"Are you feeling okay?" Yamaguchi whispers to me when I realize I once again halted my actions. The key sits in the lock but my hand has yet to turn the deadbolt. I nod my head and then realize that I have to take my pills. Normally I would do it at practice but I'm almost an hour late. That's why my voice is so loud.
"I need to take my medication," I reassure and get the sudden realization that that might not be all that reassuring.
"Why do you take the medication?" Kageyama asks as we enter my apartment.
"I don't want to talk about that," I hiss, the nerve of my illness being tapped. The boys freeze and I realize that this isn't any way to start off a fun night. Sighing, I give an apologetic smile as the dark haired boy frowns down at me. We take off our shoes and lay them by the door, the different sizes a comedic scene.
"Pardon the intrusion," the boys chant as we get a few steps into my home and I jump. I look back at them and remember that this is always the one custom I can't get used to. Why must we announce ourselves? Why can't we just not acknowledge anything until we get to like the kitchen? Maybe I hate it because I never had anyone to come home to; no one would really care or pardon my intrusion. A sad smile fits onto my face and I drop my bag on a side table.
"The TV is over there. The box next to it has the video games and techy stuff," I tell the boys, pointing towards my large living room table. The TV is wide and there is a shelf space on the counter below the table. A large cardboard box sits next to a couch, taking up the rest of the room. I keep moving, ushering the boys to follow. As I turn right, we enter the hall and I go into the right room. "This is where you guys can stay tonight. The futons are in the closet. I'm going to get dinner started."
"What are we eating?" Tsukki asks while he looks around the second bedroom. He drops his stuff and the blonde turns to me with a scowl. Is he scared of my cooking?
"Rice, eintopf, and some yakitori," I reply and then look at all the boys. They give nods of uncertainty with the German stew but seem okay with the food they are familiar with. Putting my hands on my hips, I nod to them. "I'm gonna change out of this uniform. Bathroom is across the hall. Holler if you need anything."
The boys all nod stiffly but with my nonchalant attitude, they seem to be getting used to the apartment. I leave the room and the boys start to argue a moment later. Heaving a sigh, I walk to my room and muse how this is as much noise as the apartment is going to get. I hope the people above us don't get angry if we stay up too late. But they might think it's a relief, seeing as how they thought a ghost lived here with how quiet I am.
When I close my bedroom door, I take off my skirt and tights, picking up a pair of black yoga pants from my chair stack. My shirt, tie and vest come off next and I find my arms are in the open. Glancing at them, the long lines along my veins seem more irritated than normal, slight bruising from diving for balls adorning the scars. I close my eyes quickly before I lose myself into my mind. Going across the room, I pull out a long sleeve red shirt and a black cardigan two sizes too big. I find a pair of socks but frown at them, choosing to go barefoot in my own house.
Emerging from my haven, I find that the boys aren't out of the spare room. Maybe they're changing or maybe they're setting up their futons, knowing they won't get them out later tonight. I shrug and grab my ponytail, maneuvering the long thing into a bun. I walk past the living room, passing the dining table, and into the kitchen. Reaching above the toaster, I take out two pills, swallowing them down with the sink water. Opening up the fridge, I find the meat marinating nicely and take out the vegetables I had bought yesterday. Then I go to another cupboard and take out rice, placing it in the cooker to soak.
"Shut up, she'll hear," Hinata yells a little too loudly and I perk my head to look into the hall. What are they doing?
"Oi," I call out and the rest of the house becomes dead silent. "Do you guys want some tea now? I can start a pot."
"Uuuuhhh, te-tea would b-be n-nice," a voice stutters and I'm sure it's Yamaguchi.
Whenever he tries to get away with something in practice he trips up and stutters. Placing my things back on the counter, my body shifts it's weight. So do I go see what they're up to or do I let it go? Just as I'm about to let the boys do what they want, I hear a loud crash. Groaning, I quietly walk back to the hall and lean my ear up to the door.
"There are so many of them," a wondrous voice comments.
"And they're all for different things," another adds with admiration.
"Some for the same tournament," a blunt voice says and I freeze. They're looking at my awards. Goddamnit. This is why I thought I shouldn't let them get close to me for a while. They're going to ruin everything. My anger overflows and without warning, the door flies open and the boys stand in front of me petrified.
"Why are you guys looking at those?!" I yell and my voice is harsh.
They look at the box guiltily, plaques and trophies littering the floor. The box was huge and they had yet to get to the most terrible stuff. My anger flows out of me and the menacing aura scares the boys as I take a step towards them. They scramble behind each other, Hinata behind a taller Kageyama and Yamaguchi in back of a somewhat terrified Tsukki. Going to them, I rip the plaque from the beanstalk's hands and he swallows loudly. I look at the award which proclaims 'most valuable player' in English.
Flipping it around, I notice the picture of the team I had taped over and over. The girls' shining faces stare at me with a young Katrina at the center giving a peace sign. This was the last tournament I played in America. Freezing for a moment, the memories of the tournament come to mind. It was my eighth grade year and I was at a boarding school in Utah. All the girls were newbies but they had talent. I trained them into the beings that helped us win the southern regional tournament. We didn't get past preliminaries for nationals though, falling to the best in the country.
"We're sorry," Hinata apologizes in shame and I look up from the picture. I don't say a word as I go to the box and look inside.
"The pictures are still in here," I murmur as I reach and grab a frame. "I haven't seen these for almost three years."
"Three years?" Tsukki asks with concern. I nod as the first picture reveals my first team. The Katrina looking back at me still had baby fat on her cheeks and her hair was short and curly. I laugh at the expression of dislike which was placed upon her young face.
"This was my first team. I was angry at my mom for dolling me up for the picture," I tell the boys, a ghost of a smile coming to my face.
Handing the frame to Yamaguchi, he gives me a strange look because of my mood swing. I reach in once again and find a picture of me at the beach with older kids. This was the year that I went to a training camp that was supposed to be for high schoolers. The preteen Katrina smiles back as she hangs onto one of the boy's biceps, him flexing slightly scrawny arms, and both of them giving ridiculous expressions. My hand glides along the front glass and I hand it to Kageyama. My heart starts to beat harder and harder. Looking at my hand, I find it trembling as it goes to the box once again.
"What about this one?" Hinata asks, now more giddy with looking at my stuff than scared about my anger. I look at him with a timid smile and step away from the box.
He hands me a picture and my hand trembles as I realize that I don't think of the Katrinas in these pictures as me. They aren't me. I'm not them anymore. But as I look at the picture that has made it into my hands, I feel more like this Katrina than ever. I am standing on the end, the only one with long sleeves. My face is drawn and you could see the bags under my eyes even through the photo. Gilbert stands behind me, hands on my shoulders. The picture doesn't convey the death grip he has on me but I remember it.
"This one," I start off, the boys looking at the picture with me. "This one is when I stopped playing. This is my last team."
"This was your last team?" Kageyama asks and I nod.
The picture starts to move with my anger at the voices. I could have been smiling like the other Katrinas if they hadn't come up. I wish they were never in my brain. I wish I was normal. I take the picture and squeeze the frame until it's almost snapping. They ruined everything! The anger boils up inside me and I throw my arms from me, the picture hitting the wall with a crash. The boys all jump next to me and I hiss at the mess that I have made.
"I hate them," I whisper darkly and go to retrieve the fallen remains. A hand holds my arm and I turn back.
"I'll clean it up. You go start dinner," Yamaguchi offers, the fear in his eyes evident. I nod shakily, not wanting to see it again.
"I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have done that. Today is bad; today I'm bad," I tell him and he shakes his head.
"It's okay. We shouldn't have looked," he reassures and his soft smile makes my heart ache. Hinata nods quickly and Kageyama gives a nod of his own. Tsukki looks at me with a slight glare but pushes me along.
"You guys deserve better," I say softly and go out of the room, stepping over awards.
My hands shake as I try to forget that year of the voices. The pills I took have pushed them down far enough that the memories haven't woken them up, but that doesn't help the feelings of regret I have for something I could never prevent. Stopping in my room, I consider just giving up tonight. I consider telling the boys that they can go home and leave me to be myself. I crawl into my bed and muse at how tired I am. Why is today so bad? Maybe it was because of the emotional stress from my therapy appointment or maybe the anticipation of tomorrow.
The next moment I hear my phone buzz and I look at the skirt on top of the hamper. Aone was supposed to text me. He's probably waiting. My motivation dwindles within me and I look at the ceiling. I could just go to sleep. It would be nice to stop thinking and being reminded of worse things; it would be nice to not subject everyone to my highly changing mind. But the sounds of boys in the next room keep me from going within myself and hiding. Because that's what I am doing right now. I'm hiding because I'm embarrassed by my condition.
Ripping myself from my bed, I grab my phone from my clothes and head to the kitchen. Opening the phone up, I find a new message but don't get to read it as the boys all run out of the bedroom. I look at them and find that Hinata has stolen Tsukki's glasses, Kageyama blocking the other first year. The ginger looks at me and I place my phone onto the counter as he throws the spectacles at me.
"Katrina! Give them to me!" Tsukki yells in anger. I laugh at his squinted face and Yamaguchi tries to come to me. Kageyama tackles him and they fall to the floor. I place the glasses on my face and look through the thick lenses. The world looks like how my mind feels with the voices: plain old foggy. Hinata laughs and I stand straight and put a hand to my mouth in mock snicker.
"Look at that. The freak toss and spike duo have finally realized they're idiots," I say in deadpan. The boys look at me and Tsukki turns a red color.
"That isn't funny!"
"Oh, is it not funny because you're too slow to understand or because you are too stubborn to agree it's true?" I reply and the tone of voice sounds so much like the beanstalk that everyone else has to laugh. Tsukki throws his friend a glare and Yamaguchi tries to hold back laughter to no avail.
"Sorry Tsukki," he replies and I hand the glasses to the tall boy.
He rips them from my hand and places them back on his face, everyone deflating from our escapades. I go back to my vegetables and take out a large knife. The boys come to my side and look at the articles in my hand with suspicion. There's a couple of potatoes, carrots, celery, a white onion and a head of cabbage. I wait for them to go set up the tv but it appears like they want to help with the kitchen stuff. I smile largely and hand each boy a vegetable while I keep the potatoes which I had peeled and washed this morning.
"Wash them for me. I'm gonna cut the potatoes," I tell them and all the boys nod.
They all go to the sink at the same time and there is the usual battle of who gets to go first. This battle happens more often than you would expect and with the simplest of things: with drinking water, getting on the bus, getting a meat bun, changing first, cleaning up. I have their entire script memorized by now and no longer stop them, it's a waste of breath. Zoning them out, I begin to cut the potatoes into cubes. They seem to finally decide who goes first but the winner splashes water at every one else. I yelp and they laugh. It's fun and calm and everyone could forget that I messed up earlier in the day. Smiling largely, the doorbell rings and I look up.
"I'll get it," Kageyama offers, handing me the washed celery. I nod stiffly and watch the boy go to the door and look through the peephole. He steps away and looks at me with a frown. "It's some blonde guy, and he's a bit older than us."
"Kageyama get away from the door," I order and he stiffens but comes to my outstretched arm anyway.
I push the boy behind me and the rest of them stand in a silent cluster. My heart pounds hard. It's Gilbert. How the fuck did he find me? The boys can't see him. God only knows what he's going to do this time. I grab the large knife I was just cutting with and hold it in a white knuckle grip. The boys watch me and I look back and give them a reassuring smile in spite of my fear. Walking away, I hold the knife behind me.
"Katrina," Tsukki hisses, finally having the sense to stop the schizophrenic girl with a large knife from attacking whomever waits behind the door. But this schizophrenic girl isn't going to let anyone touch her boys and she keeps walking. I open the locks and throw the door open, knife in hand and my heart stops.
"Fuck Suoh," I scream in German. "I thought I was going to have to stab you!"
I breathe hard and run a shaking hand across my sweaty forehead. The doctor jumps with my yell and runs a hand through his newly bleached blond hair. I take the knife from behind the door and he gives out a shriek. My heart begins it's descent and I look out the door to the street. The sun is setting but it appears our actions have gone unnoticed by the world. Rubbing my forehead with the back of my clenched knuckle, I sigh deeply in relief.
"Were you planing on using that on me?" He yells and I roll my eyes. I motion for him to come in and walk back to the kitchen. The door locks click shut while I put the knife back on the counter next to my phone. Suoh takes off his shoes and I stand with the four boys who are relieved I didn't do anything drastic.
"Who is he Katrina?" Hinata asks quietly and when Suoh finally takes off his leather boots and leather jacket, he comes to us. Dressed like a regular person, the man stands in jeans and a red shirt, his hair a bleached blonde shag and his glasses now exchanged for square frames highlighting black eyes.
"Suoh, these are my friends, Kageyama, Tsukishima, Hinata and Yamaguchi," I introduce. The man smiles a goofy smile and I roll my eyes again. "Guys, this is Suoh. My annoying caretaker."
Everyone exchanges greetings, the boys slightly off put by Suoh's cheerful attitude. Suoh placed a paper bag on the table as the boys weren't looking and I could only suppose they were more pills. I cut all the vegetables as the others stand awkwardly in the living room. Kageyama looks to me for help and I slide everything into a large pot.
"If you guys set up the video games, we can play," I tell them and with the new set of directions, they perk up. Suoh comes to me and I take some beef chunks out of the fridge.
"I can see your bruises have gotten better," he whispers as I salt the meat. "Did you think I was that man? Why didn't you let the boys handle it?"
"Because he's my problem and I don't want them to get hurt," I reply, the meat entering the pot. I add water to the mixture and place it on the stove. "Are you staying for dinner?"
"I could go for some of your cooking. The hospital hasn't been the same without you in the kitchen," he moans. I giggle and look at the man while shaking my head.
"Just the kitchen?" I ask with a raised brow and he proceeds to almost cry, a faux lip tremble adding dramatic effect.
"No I miss you and your hurtful comments. I miss you telling me I'm a child," he whines and I take my phone off the counter. I purse my lips as he nearly crumbles.
"So is this visit personal or you wanna tell me what's in the bag?" I ask with a sad voice. What does he need me to do now?
"The bag has new medication," he replies, the overdramatic scene over. "You've been on the trial too long and we need to check your blood for a couple of weeks."
"How many?" I ask, the fear of having my mind shut off from me creeping in.
"Two and a half. At the end of the month you can go back on the trial," he assures and I nod. He hands me the bag and I put it above the toaster with all the other pill bottles. Then I go to the fridge and take out the pitcher of iced tea I made yesterday.
"Can I start them on Monday?" I ask Suoh, not wanting my brain to be so out of it for tomorrow's scrimmage.
"Yes," he replies with a soft smile and takes the pitcher from my hand. "Get some glasses."
"I was doing that," I reply with a smile, grabbing several glasses from my cupboard.
Going to the boys, I start pouring tea. But Suoh takes the pitcher from me and pours the rest of the glasses I nod thanks and head back to the kitchen to pick up anything I left. My phone sits on the counter, looking at me and I realize I haven't texted Aone back. I didn't even see the message. I flip the phone open and the message blinks. A smile comes to my face as I read the message over and over.
Hello Katrina, it's Aone. How are the bruises on your neck? Has that man visited you? I hope that the boys you coach are watching out for that man. I admit that I am worried about you.
"What are you looking at?" Suoh asks as I dumbly smile at my phone. I open my mouth to say nothing but the ginger ball of sunshine beats me to it.
"It's her boyfriend!" he exclaims and my face turns hot with embarrassment. Suoh looks at me with an open mouth and I shake my head quickly.
"He's a friend!" I rush and Suoh comes at me, hands reaching for my phone. "Suoh, don't you dare!"
"What did he say?" he asks, the curiosity and mischief gleaming in his eyes. I run from the kitchen and hide behind Tsukki. The blonde gives a sigh when Suoh runs towards him and merely puts his hand out to hold the doctor's head.
"Can you guys stop acting like idiots so I can set this stuff up?" he chides with deadpan and I hiss at Suoh who is reaching towards me.
"You aren't going to read my messages, and that's final," I proclaim at Suoh and he throws himself on the floor like a toddler.
He lies facedown and I escape onto the couch, typing a reply. Movement is soon on the other end of the furniture and I find Suoh glaring at me childishly. I roll my eyes and stick my tongue out as Hinata jumps onto the couch, falling partly on my lap. Kageyama joins him and looks at Suoh in interest, trying to figure out what's wrong with the man. Tsukki and Yamaguchi are quietly setting up wires and other things when I finally hit send.
Hi Aone. My bruises are getting better and Gilbert has not visited me. The boys from the team walk me home and to school everyday. Thank you for worrying about me, it means a lot.
I can feel a small body looking at my phone and look up to find Hinata staring. Closing my phone with a forceful slap, the boy moans. He looks at me and then pouts. I shake my head and stretch my legs out on the couch over his lap, not touching his skin. Yamaguchi and Tsukki look about done with the games and have turned to me with a questioning look.
"Are we going to play the video games I left you?" Suoh asks excitedly. I nod and Hinata is the next one bouncing on the poor sofa.
"Yes we are. Tsukki since you seem to be holding that game a little too hard, we can play that one," I tell the blonde who is clutching a cd case in his hands.
He frowns at the game but turns and starts the tv, and the game is lighting up the room a second later. The house is getting dark, the moon rising as the boys try to hand me the playstation remote. I shake my head and get up to turn on the lamp by the door and kitchen window. Going to the kitchen, I stir the stew which looks like it'll take only another thirty minutes. I start the rice and start heating the small electronic grill. The game play starts with the large title "The Last of Us". Hinata and Kageyama are fighting over a single controller but it appears that the two boys will have to share, sitting so close that their thighs are touching. They've gotten more and more used to each other. Smiling at them, I hear my phone buzz.
"Katrina," Yamaguchi calls and I walk over and sit between him and Suoh. When I try to open my phone, the older man leans into me to see my new text. I roll my eyes and crawl and sit next to Tsukki on the end, the only person who doesn't really care about my outside life. The boys start the story, the voices in English but the game shining with Japanese subtitles. I listen as I see my new message.
Does anyone walk you to the train to get to Sendai? Walk you to the Sendai station?
I frown at the message and figure I shouldn't lie to the boy when he seems to be so concerned.
The boys don't know that I go to the capital. I go to the capital alone.
A long time passes as I stare at the TV and wait for my response. I watch the boys play what seems to be a post apocalyptic survival game and can see that Tsukki and Yamaguchi die the least. Tsukki's long fingers are sure of themselves as he presses each button. He gives me a look of slight annoyance when he catches me staring at him but when I smile at him in wonder, his face softens into a small smile. My phone buzzes and I check the message, zombie sounds filling the room.
Why do you go to the capital? You don't have to tell me but I am worried that the man will get to you before you get to me.
I frown and then smile and then frown again. My mind and gut is telling me to let the boy in. That if he leaves my crazy ass now, it would be easier than later. But my heart wants to have him for as long as I can. The feelings in my chest whisper that I want to have baked goods while sitting next to a boy without eyebrows and embarrassing myself because I think he's handsome and he thinks I'm pretty. These facts which I buried deep inside me, come to the surface as I remember my embarrassing attempt at what normal people call flirtation.
I want to tell you because I don't want you to worry but I don't think you would want to know.
I send the text and let out a breath. I won't tell him that I think he'll leave. That's just manipulating him into something that he doesn't want to do. I can't let him know just how scared I am about being alone again. I shouldn't have let myself feel how it felt to live. Getting up while gunshots come from the television speaker, I check the stew. My phone sits next to Tsukki and he looks at me from his place, his face anxious. My phone must have buzzed. The food is ready though and I put chicken sticks on the grill.
"Guys dinner is ready. Pause your game," I yell as I get bowls and put the rice onto the table. Getting chopsticks, I place them and napkins on the counter. Suoh brings the iced tea and puts it on the table with him. Kageyama takes the napkins and silverware while Yamaguchi and Tsukki start taking bowls of stew to the others. I give Hinata some spoons and he looks into the large pot, eyes filled with wonder. Chicken skewers go onto another plate and Suoh nearly drools. When everything is done we sit.
"Thank you for the meal," everyone chants and I smile as they begin to dig in. I serve out bowls of rice and there is silence as the boys have faces of pure delight.
"Is it good?" I ask as I take a bite of chicken. They all nod and noises of pleasure come out of their mouths. My phone makes another noise and Suoh watches me as I get up. I look at the phone and find two new messages. The first makes my heart sink with uncertainty.
I am only worried and doubt that anything you tell me will shock me.
Yah right. By the way Aone I'm a schizophrenic who just so happens to have tried to kill herself when she was thirteen. He won't just be shocked, he'll be mortified and he definitely won't stay. He has never said that he wanted to be my friend. For all I know he only sits with me on the train because I sit with him first. Opening the second message my world brightens and my face turns into a smile.
But I will wait and you can tell me when you are ready. I am not going anywhere.
He isn't going anywhere. Maybe this boy is different from what everyone would expect. I'm always so scared and that makes me assume the worst in people. But maybe Aone will stay with me. Maybe I can stay with him. Maybe we can stay together for a little while longer. Because right now, I don't think I care if I get so broken at the end of all this. I think he might be worth the break.
"She has that creepy smile again," Tsukki mutters and I turn and glare.
"What smile?" I ask as I put my phone down and sit in my chair. When he merely stuffs his face with food, I shake his hair and he pouts.
"That smile that you've had for two days. It's creepy," Yamaguchi teases in turn. I shake my head and want to frown but my smile doesn't fall. The dinner table starts to have conversations about volleyball and video games and school. Suoh watches me but the man child starts to get caught up with the other boys. He seems to be having fun. The boys seem to be having fun. I'm having fun. This is the most fun I've had in years and I don't want it to end.
And for a moment I could believe that the smile on my face really is eternal. But the voices in my head scream otherwise. What are the odds that I can keep my eternal smile? I can tell you now, they're not very good.
Hey everybody. I realized that this story was going so fast in my mind. I think as a writer I struggle with the pacing, but that might be because I really have no idea where exactly I'm leading the story to but know only some things I want to happen along the way. I also really hope that I am getting character's personalities right-I worry about that a lot. This chapter is a little shorter but it still isn't extremely short. I'll try to get the next chapter out next week, because I am actually ahead with my other story. Also, don't be afraid to comment and tell me what you think is wrong! I don't mind the tough love and I most certainly won't get mad at you. Thank you for making it this far and I hope you enjoy what's to come!
So as always, follow, fave, review, obsess. Loves yous guys!
