Thank you to Robstenfanpire for being my beta on this story. I am ever grateful for her input and advice and for helping me to get it into a presentable shape.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters in Twilight. I'm just borrowing them to have some fun.


Chapter 12 – What did I do?

I wake up feeling my head is pounding, mouth is dry and I feel confused and disorientated.

My eyes don't want to open and I lie there, just waiting a moment to get myself together. There is the familiar feel of Edward's arm and leg draped over me, his hand, as usual, cupping my breast, but for some reason they feel different today. Then I realize it is because I am naked, and from the feeling of his body behind me, spooning in close, he is too. This is a new feeling.

Then I start to get flashes of the previous night. It is hard to grasp anything clearly and I feel like I am viewing it through a fog. One thing I do remember distinctly is the kiss during our shots at the bar. I smile involuntarily and the fingers of my left hand brush over my lips. I'm glad I remember that part of the evening. I would hate to have lost the memory of that perfect first kiss. My smile broadens as I allowed the memory to fill my mind.

Our first kiss. If that was all I would ever be allowed to have of Edward then I would die happy, but as more memories surface, I realize I got more. A whole lot more.

My memories allow me a brief glimpse of us fondling and making out in the back of his SUV and I hope we hadn't been too inappropriate in front of Demetri; that could be really embarrassing.

Then I start to receive flashes of what happened after we got home. I let the memories play out as if they are happening to someone else. I remember him pushing me hard up against the door as soon as he'd closed it. There was a desperation in our actions, we were stripping each other of clothes, wanting to get closer, neither of us able to stop.

Then my memory jumps to the bedroom and I see Edward looking down at me from above as he moves slowly yet deeply within me. The memory stirs feelings in me. Feelings of lust and desire. The memory is full of soft touches and sweet words, longing looks and reverent kisses. I remember a soft whispering of my name as he came undone, moments before I joined him, and then the memory ends.

I feel a deep disappointment that this is all I have of the experience, just a few moments of memory, I want more. Why did I let myself get so drunk? Would he remember what we'd done? Would his memory be more full then mine or would he just have a blank? Do I regret last night? Should we have done it?

My head replies first, telling me it was a mistake, one I'll live to regret, but my heart quickly fights back. The few moments I remember were wonderful and beautiful, I refuse to regret them. I just hope I don't go on to hurt this man who has helped me so much.

I'm contemplating getting up to get a glass of water, not really wanting to leave his embrace, when I feel him stirring. His arms hug me gently to him and I feel him kiss my shoulder.

"You're naked," he murmurs into my flesh, continuing to pepper me with light delicate kisses.

"So are you." My voice sounds husky after the night in the club and the excessive amount of alcohol.

"I like it. I like the feel of your skin. You sound sexy too."

"Thanks, but I feel awful," I reply referring to my pounding head and queasy stomach. Drinking to excess is less easy to brush off as you get older. I seriously need to get my hands on some greasy food and painkillers soon. I could also really do with brushing my teeth as my mouth feels like it has been licking the floor of the club, rather than Edward's sexy body… And there goes my head, right back to the gutter.

"You're feeling bad about what we did." It is more of a statement than a question and I can hear the resignation in his voice. I suddenly realize my words can be interpreted another way. He thinks I'm feeling bad over what we did last night. I think about this for a moment and I find that guilt isn't there. I think about Jacob. How would he feel about me being here? Should I feel guilty? No, I don't think I should. Jacob is gone, and he's not coming back. I came here to move on and that is what I'm allowing myself to do. It wasn't like I was going to keep myself celibate for the rest of my life. This was going to happen at some point. It's certainly happened a good deal earlier then I would have expected, but does it matter if it's three months or three years? If I feel ready, isn't that what's important? Not some socially acceptable norms for the expected period of mourning. I realize I've been silent, lost in my thoughts, for too long.

Edward is drawing back from me and as he does, he offers me an apology, "I shouldn't have let things go that far, Beautiful. I did check, you were happy and you kept pushing us forward, telling me and showing me you wanted more. I'm sorry if you regret it now." He sounds tormented, like he feels he pushed me into this, when the truth is if I'd not wanted it, not been craving it for days, it wouldn't have happened.

I turn around to face him, taking his beautiful face in my hands.

"Edward, what I remember about last night was beautiful and magical. My only regret about it is that my memory is so sketchy, I wish I could remember every touch, every caress, every kiss, every moment in your arms. Please believe me, I don't regret what we did, I just wish I'd drank less so my memory was clearer, and I don't feel so hungover now."

"I'm sorry I got you so drunk. The shots seemed like a good idea at the time. The pounding in my head says we may have taken it a little too far," he confesses.

I smile and I see him visibly relax. "You didn't get me anything Edward. I'm a grown woman, I know my limits. If I chose to push them, for whatever reason, that's my choice."

He smiles back at me. "So what do you remember?" he asks.

"The important bits… I think. I remember us ripping our clothes off in the hall and…." I pause, embarrassed to say more.

"Tell me Beautiful," he prompts.

"I remember your face, looking down on me, as you claimed me and made me yours."

He smiles softly at me and brushes a lose hair back off my cheek. Then his face brakes out into his trademark smirk, "I could always give you a repeat performance, see if it jogs your memory."

He rolls over onto me, pinning me to the bed. I can't deny the feel of him so close makes me want to give into him there and then. I want nothing more than to consume him and to be consumed by him. But I have serious morning breathe and if we're going to do this again, I want it to be memorable for the right reasons. Vigorous movement at the moment is not advisable.

"CM, I really want to kiss you and feel you and… well you know, but can we please take a short rain check. I need pain killers, a shower and food, preferably in that order. I need to feel slightly human again before I have to move too much. The last thing I want to do is throw up on you."

I know it isn't my most romantic speech, but sometimes you just have to tell it like it is.

He looks down at me for a few moments. "As long as you don't keep me waiting too long, I think I can accommodate your demands. But I'm getting you back here, exactly in this position, as soon as you're feeling better." His words warm me at my core and I wonder how I managed to last as long as I did without succumbing to the sexual attraction between us.

"No problem." I smile, but my smile soon fades to be replaced by a lust filled moan seconds later as his lips delicately kiss my neck. "Fuck it, just take me now, I don't think I can wait," I moan.

He chuckles, obviously pleased with the affect he is having on me, gives me one last suck on my ear lobe, before rolling off me and sauntering over to the bathroom.

I watch his retreating form, taking in the shape of his lean back as the muscles bunch and contract as he walks. My eyes continue down to his taut butt, that is the perfect shape and roundness. I can't prevent a groan escaping. His only reply is another soft chuckle. He knows exactly what he is doing.

I lay back on the bed, closing my eyes, trying desperately to get my pounding head in order. I must doze off because the next thing I know a recently showered Edward is beside me again, dressed only in a towel wrapped low around his waist. His hair is wet and disheveled. I'd love nothing more than to run my hands through it, then to allow them to roam down his body, over his wondrous chest, to his slight six pack, then to follow his happy trail further south… Fuck, I need to get my head out of the gutter. What is this man doing to me?

Edward places a glass of water and two Tylenol tablets onto the night stand. "I'm going to make us some food. How does breakfast in bed sound?" he asks.

"Delightful," I murmur.

With that he bends over, gives me a quick peck on the forehead, running his fingers gently over my cheek as he does so. Then he turns and leaves.

I lie there for a moment more before I get the strength to sit up and take the tablets, being sure to drink all the water.

...

I ponder last night further as I step into the hot shower, allowing its pulsing jets to wake up my body and mind. I have a few things I need to check with Edward. I'm hoping his memory of last night is a little clearer than mine. Firstly, I'm very much aware that I'm not on the pill. The last thing I need is to fall pregnant. I know the talk about contraception isn't going to be the most romantic and I desperately want to avoid it, but it is a necessity. If we didn't take precautions last night, I am going to need to get some emergency contraception.

Well there is nothing for it, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and bring the subject up.

I'm also concerned about what happens tomorrow, after I go home. From the brief memories I have of last night, we were good together, really good, and today I have promises of more to come. But what does that mean? There are still so many obstacles to us starting a proper relationship and we need to discuss where this is going. I don't want to hurt him or lead him on, although I think that boat may have already sailed.

I didn't come here to find a relationship, especially a long distant relationship with a movie star. There is also our age difference to consider. We are in very different places in our lives and I'm not sure our plans for the future are mutually compatible, after our conversation the other night about his desire to start a family. It's another difficult subject that really needs to be handled before I let things go any further. Drunken sex is one thing. Continuing the relationship is another entirely.

I'm just coming out the bathroom wrapped in a large fluffy towel, when Edward enters the bedroom with a generous tray of food. I spot bacon sandwiches, as well as fruit juice, toast and bagels with cream cheese. My stomach gives a large rumble in response. Yep, I need food.

I smile thankfully to Edward. I'm already starting to feel a lot better as the pain killers kick in and the shower has helped to reenergize me. All I need now is a little food in my belly.

"They say food is the way to a man's heart, but I think it works equally well for hungover women," I say as I walk toward him.

He looks over at me with a corresponding smile on his face and beckons me over to the bed, putting down the tray on the night stand.

As I approach him, he takes me in his arms and holds me close. "I'm glad you're not freaking out," he sighs. Then he bends down and kisses me chastely on the lips.

"Now, back into bed," he orders.

As I climb in, I feel him grab my towel so that as I move forward it comes off me.

"We can eat naked in bed, I think." he smirks at me. Cheeky Edward is definitely in attendance today. There's nothing for it, but to climb between the sheets and act like I eat breakfast in bed naked with a demi god of a man every day. However, I do make sure I watch as he removes his own towel and climbs between the sheets next to me. Boy, does this man have a good body.

We eat in relative silence, just enjoying the food and each other's company. Every so often our legs or arms brush against each other, and most of the time it isn't an accident. We exchange sideways glances and secret smirks, I think both of us are feeling a lot of desire to repeat last night.

But first we needed to have the conversation.

"So Edward, how much of last night do you remember?" I kick off.

"I have to admit parts are a little hazy for me too. Maybe more will come back later," he adds with a cheeky smirk and a raised eyebrow.

I swallow and take the plunge: "Do you remember if we used protection?" I look down at the bed, worried about his answer and the potential consequence, but if we act now then it should be okay.

A silence fills the room as he thinks for a moment. I glance up and see his now serious expression, before looking back down to hide my embarrassment. "I think we're okay," he says, once again raising my chin to look at him in the face. "I know it's not the most romantic of conversations, but you're right to address the issue." He smiles at me reassuringly. "I remember opening a condom packet and putting one on so it looks like, despite out inebriation, we managed to be sensible."

He reaches over and opens the draw of his night stand, pulling out an opened box of condoms. "This was unused before last night," he quickly checks the contents, "Yep, definitely one missing now. We're home and dry."

I let out a sigh of relief. Not that Edward wouldn't give me beautiful babies, but I am a thirty-eight year old single mother of three children already. The last thing I need is to fall pregnant again, especially with a man who lives in another state in constant limelight and who I probably won't see again after this weekend.

STOP, don't think about that. I refuse to feel sad about leaving Edward tomorrow.

"So you're not on the pill?" Edward asks.

"No." I go no to explain further, "After Kim, Jake and I talked and both decided that three was enough for both of us, so he got a vasectomy. It's been a while since I've really had to think about contraception."

"That's understandable." Edward's words seem innocent enough, but there is something there. I think he may be realizing, as I have previously, that our age difference is more than just a number. We really are at different stages of our lives. He wants kids, I've had kids.

"That's something else we should talk about, CM." I decide I need to take the bull by the horns. We can't go into this thinking it is going to be more than it is. It will just end up hurting both of us.

"What happens tomorrow? What are your expectations, Edward, for what happens once I go home? We both live very different lives. We both have very different expectations for the next stages of our lives. We're both looking for different things. I struggle to see how we can have a relationship that goes beyond tomorrow. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to get hurt, but if you're looking for something long term, I don't see how that's possible."

I look down again, not able to look into his eyes. Scared of what I might see.

If I could think of a way to make this work, I would so love to go for it with Edward, but I can't be selfish. He would have to give up so much to be with me. How can I take away from him his right to have his own children? When he painted that future he craves, the one with a wife and rug rats, I saw the desire in his eyes. I can't deprive him of that. He needs the opportunity to have what Jake and I had.

I need to put my kids first, I need to be there for them, not here in some fantasy world. I have to face reality and this is not real life. I can't subject them to Hollywood and the press intrusions, and I can't ask him to give up his future to be with us.

But then perhaps he's not looking for a serious long term relationship with me, perhaps he just wants a brief fling. God, I'm making a fool of myself when all he wants is sex and I'm going on and on about how a relationship won't work, when he doesn't even want a relationship. Fuck.

"Shhhh, Beautiful. I can almost hear your mind working overtime. Don't over think this." He looks down at his hands.

"I understand your reservations," he continues, "I understand you feel you can't have a relationship with me. This can be anything you want, Beautiful, I'm willing to take as much or as little of you as I can get. I appreciate you don't want to be part of the madness that is my life, so if you want to walk away tomorrow and never look back that's fine. But please, for today, don't over think things. Let us just enjoy our last day together and face the consequences tomorrow."

As he speaks, he looks up into my eyes and I see the pleading there, the desire to share this day with me as if we could have more. I look deep into his eyes. I want more with this man so much, but I know it can't be. I can't be selfish and have him. He needs more than I can give him and my kids need stability. But he's right, we can have today.


A/N: So next update we will find out how they spend their final day together!