Not Dreaming


A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews for the last chapter! :D They mean a lot to me!

This chapter is back to the original idea with Jess and Rory again… Although not exactly as before. You'll know what I mean when you read it.


Chapter 11. Steaming Emotions


He took a deep breath and looked around the empty apartment once more. It felt odd being there alone. It felt odd being alone at all. He hadn't been for over two weeks now. At least not for long.

The wedding was over, thankfully, and Luke and Lorelai were long since gone on their honeymoon. They were supposed to be gone for another week.

And he had survived. He had tolerated T.J., just barely, but still. And he had danced, although dancing was probably a too generous description for what he had been doing. He had even managed to live through meeting the elder Gilmore's. Richard had actually not seemed that hostile.

Compared to the week before the wedding the last couple of days had been calm. Town-wise that is. For his own part he would gladly trade the last day for all the craziness this town could come up with. At least some of it.

Rory wasn't speaking to him at the moment and he had absolutely no idea why. Well, he knew the immediate reason, but he was clueless as to what the real reason was. She had become more and more irritable the last couple of days and sometime last night some remark he made had suddenly made her furious. He couldn't even remember what it was that started it.

He had tried to find out what the problem was, but she just yelled at him and finally he had given up. Too frustrated to be reasonable he had started to yell back at her. He had probably said some stupid things, but he couldn't remember. The only thing on his mind at the moment was how stupid it all was.

She hadn't come back last night and when he called her cell she had simply turned it off. He had tried calling the house too, but only got the machine. And that was cut off too before he had the chance to say more than her name. For the first time since probably before Christmas he hadn't been able to sleep at all.

He was supposed to go home tomorrow. And this was definitely not how he wanted to feel the day before that. Since Rory stormed out of the apartment he had come to the conclusion that he really hated fighting with her. Not that he had found it fun before, but there hadn't really been that many fights in the past. Usually if there was a problem of some sort he had always tried to avoid it.

But this time it didn't work. And maybe he didn't want it to work either. It certainly hadn't solved anything before, so maybe addressing it was the way to go. The problem at this point was that he didn't know what the problem was. Which was sort of ironic.

Sighing he got up from the couch. He couldn't stay up here all day anyway and he really wanted to find her. Maybe she had calmed down enough to not scream at him as soon as she saw him. It was worth a shot at least.

He slowly stood up and made his way down to the diner. She wasn't there. Not that he had expected her to be, but he made sure anyway. Avoiding the people in the crowded diner he made his way to the door and out on the street. Once there he stopped for a moment when he realized he had absolutely no idea where she could be.

He started wandering aimlessly and soon found himself walking the well known path to the bridge. Hoping she would be there he continued walking, trying to come up with something good to say.

As soon as he was in sight of the bridge he spotted her. She was sitting in the middle of the bridge, head turned down and gazing into the water. He felt a tugging of a memory from another time when he had come here and found her sitting in almost the exact same spot. The circumstances were quite different this time though.

He stopped for a while, watching her. She was picking at the wood beside her, as if trying to pull it apart. Once in a while a splint of wood would come loose and she proceeded to throw it in the water. Suddenly she cried out, and stuck the tip of her finger in her mouth, apparently having gotten one of the splints in it.

She could feel new tears forming in her eyes at the pain in her finger. And she couldn't stop them. "Stupid, stupid, stupid," she repeated through set teeth almost like a mantra. She wasn't really sure what it was that was stupid though. The splint didn't really hurt that much, it was mostly the shock that made it hurt.

Actually she knew exactly what it was that was so stupid. And it had nothing to do with the splint. It did however have everything to do with her fit of rage from last night. Why had she been so stupid? She couldn't even remember what made her so mad. It was probably something really stupid.

She had started to regret her outburst almost as soon as it started, but she couldn't seem to stop screaming. She didn't even know what she had said, probably a whole lot of nonsense.

She suddenly realized that her mother had been right. They should have talked about their situation earlier. Then this could probably have been prevented. Thinking about it she couldn't even come up with a good reason as to why she hadn't brought it up during the past weeks. Other than the pretty stupid excuse that she was afraid.

What she was afraid of she wasn't really sure, but she had this vision of everything falling apart if she addressed any form of problem. Forming that thought in her mind she realized how stupid it sounded. Starting a major fight over some nonsensical matter that she couldn't even remember had got to be worse than talking about the actual problem.

Which wasn't that big of a problem if you thought about it. It wasn't like he was at the other side of the country. Only a couple hours away. She could handle that. Couldn't she? She had to she concluded. It wasn't like she could ask him to move. And she didn't have that option either. Not if she wanted to stay at Yale. And that wasn't an option.

She abruptly made a decision. She was going to talk to him. Right now. She was going to sort this out. Her decision made she wiped away the remaining tears from her eyes with the palm of her hand and stood up.

She was startled when she turned around and found him standing at the edge of the bridge. He froze too, as if he wasn't sure how she would react. She noticed he looked tense, his shoulder drawn up slightly. And the look in his eyes as he watched her was somewhat guarded. She hated that she was the cause of that. He hadn't had that look in his eyes for months and now it was back. He watched her for a couple seconds before relaxing a little and taking a tentative step out on the bridge.

She waited for him to come up to her, eyes cast down on the wooden surface under them. It felt like it took ages for him to walk the short way over the bridge. He stopped a few feet away, as if checking how she would react. When he didn't come closer she raised her gaze to look at him, searching for his eyes.

"Hi," she managed, barely audible. He didn't say anything, just gave her a small nod. They stood there silently for what seemed like forever, but in reality wasn't more than a minute.

"I…" he began quietly, but didn't finish his thought. He shook his head a little and was about to start over when he was interrupted.

"I don't want you to go!" she exclaimed, sounding almost frantic. Her tone and the desperation she could hear in her voice scared her a little. "I hate that you're so far away," she mumbled before squeezing her eyes shut for a second to stop the tears she once again felt forming and let her head drop again.

He smiled sadly and took a step forward, closer to her. Watching her tentatively he reached out a hand and touched her cheek gently. With two fingers he slowly lifter her chin up and scanned her face. He could see the tears forming in the corners of her eyes and clinging to her eyelashes.

"Is that what this was all about?" he asked quietly, softly rubbing his thumb over her cheek, wiping stray tears away.

Eyes still downcast she nodded into his hand. She was starting to feel even more stupid now. Why had she not said anything before? They could have talked about it, like rational people. Instead she ended up a miserable ball of tears on her bed the whole night. A lonely miserable ball of tears.

"Why didn't you say something?" he asked when she didn't say anything and slowly let his arm fall to his side again.

She suddenly felt cold at the loss of contact and shuddered a little. Knowing she would have to say something soon she took a deep breath and racked her brain for a suitable excuse. "I don't know," she mumbled when she couldn't find one.

He looked at her for a few moments, trying to come up with something to say, preferably something that wouldn't sound too harsh. "You always told me to tell you what was going on and now you're telling me you have no reason what so ever for yelling at me about absolutely nothing?" he finally said, his tone sharper than he had intended. It probably wasn't the best thing to say, but he had never been really good at this stuff.

She finally looked up at him, a bit taken aback by his tone and the not so well hidden accusation. Meeting his eyes she was once again met by that guarded look she hated so much. And behind it she saw the anger and hurt he wasn't even trying to hide. "I was afraid," she said, trying to explain herself. "It was stupid, but there it is. I was afraid. I should have listened to mom, she told me to…" She didn't get further than that before she was interrupted.

"You told Lorelai?" he asked in disbelief. "You told Lorelai and you couldn't tell me," he said, all of a sudden feeling tired.

"I'm sorry," she said, searching for his eyes again. But he kept his gaze locked on a point on the shore. "I don't know why I didn't say anything and I'm sorry I didn't. I was just afraid you'd…" Once again she was cut off.

"And it all comes back to me," he said, sounding as tired as he felt. "What did you think I'd do this time? Huh?" He paused for a second to breathe and maybe let her speak, but she didn't. "Thought I'd laugh at you? Or maybe run away at the first sign of trouble? Oh I know, of course I'd find some blonde chick with nothing in her head on a much more comfortable distance."

He hadn't noticed that his voice had risen as he spoke, but as he stopped he saw the look on her face. She looked completely stunned. And he could see the tears once again forming in her eyes. But at this point he was too angry to let them affect him. And her continuing silence only made him angrier.

"Well, that's just fucking great," he almost spat. "I can't hear you deny any of it. Real nice to see you have so much faith in me. I'll go pack and help out at the diner. Stop by when you can put words together again." He looked at her now tearstained face one last time before shaking his head and turning around, starting back to where he came from.

Her brain finally started working again when she saw his back turned to her, shoulders drawn up and fists clenched at his sides. She couldn't believe she had just stood there, not even trying to deny anything he had said. It only took her half a second to realize that she really needed to start talking soon.

"Wait!" she exclaimed, her voice shaky and desperate. She hurried up to him, standing in front of him to make him stop. She didn't look him in the eyes; she didn't think she could take what she would find there. He did stop and she took a deep breath before starting to talk.

"I'm sorry," she began, hoping he would accept it when she was finished. "I don't think any of that! I swear! I was afraid that this wouldn't work and I didn't want to be the one to bring up something that could end this. I know it was wrong not to talk to you, but it's just… Everything has been so perfect! And I was afraid that if I brought up a problem, any problem, that it wouldn't last and there would just be more and more problems and I didn't want that. I wanted this to stay perfect. I'm sorry! I never meant for any of this to happen. I just didn't know how to tell you and then I pushed it off and then it felt like it was too late and then I think I exploded. I never meant to accuse you of anything and I'm really sorry if it felt like that. I'm just…I'm sorry!"

She felt exhausted when she finally stopped talking and she had no idea if anything she had said had made any sense at all. He didn't seem quite as tense as a minute ago and cautiously she raised her eyes to meet his. She could still detect traces of the anger and hurt she had seen in them before, but not as prominent any longer. Standing still in front of him she waited for him to respond, hoping he wouldn't just walk away.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't like the long distance either?" he finally asked, his voice once again calm, but strangely void of emotion.

She almost sighed with relief at the sound of his voice. He was still talking to her. But his tone made her a bit cautious and she held it back. She pondered the question for a second, not sure why she hadn't thought of that before. "No, not exactly," she said carefully, still looking him in the eyes.

He shook his head a little at her answer. "I'm always here early. I've stayed here for over two weeks, despite the fact that I've missed two rather important meetings during that time. I talk to you almost every night when we're not together." He spoke quietly with a small smile, hardly noticeable and not reaching his eyes. "How could you not know?" he asked, almost sounding a bit curious.

"You're a guy. You're not supposed to get emotional," she said, trying to make sense of her thoughts. "I'm sorry, that sounded very wrong," she hurriedly added. "I guess I didn't really think at all," she concluded

"I thought you knew you could talk to me about anything you want," he said, still very quiet.

It felt almost as if he was afraid he would start yelling again if he raised his voice. She had no problem picking up on the sad tone in his voice and she wanted to do everything she could to make it go away. "I do know that," she said, equally quiet, hoping he would believe her.

"I really hope you do," he said with a sad smile. "Right now it doesn't feel like it though," he added, the smile disappearing again, almost as if it had never existed.

"I'm sorry," she whispered sadly, her hand almost reaching up to touch his cheek. She stopped it halfway, not sure if he would let her.

"I know," he said, his eyes watching her hand moving. "I just need some time to think. I'll call you later." The small smile had appeared once again, slightly more noticeable this time. He took a step forward, coming close to her and softly kissed her on the forehead before looking down and walking around and away from her.

She waited until he had passed her before turning around and then watched him walk away. He had his hands in the pockets of his jeans and didn't walk as confidently as he used to. But nobody else could probably tell the difference. She noticed for the first time that he didn't have a book with him. She had thought he had come to the bridge to read, but apparently he hadn't. Had he come looking for her? She felt like kicking herself for how stupid she had been lately, the last eighteen hours or so especially.

Slowly she began walking back into town, but changed her mind when she reached the edge of the bridge. Instead she turned around again and walked out to the middle and sat down in the same spot as before.


Four hours later she was almost asleep, lying on her back on the wooden surface. She was suddenly jolted out of her slumber by the ringing of her phone. Immediately wide awake she searched for her phone for half a second before finding it and answering just as it started ringing a second time.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" she heard him say and couldn't help but letting out a sigh of relief at his almost teasing voice. It took a second for what he had said to register, but then she sat up and quickly scanned her surroundings. He was walking down the path towards the bridge, once again finding her there.

"I wasn't sleeping," she said, standing up and closing her phone, mirroring him. She decided to try a smile and was rewarded by a smirk. She immediately felt herself relax and was sure it was clearly visible. However he didn't show any sign of having noticed it as he walked up to her, stopping a foot away.

"Hi," he said, trying the sound of it.

"Hi," she said back, her smile still lingering on her face, searching his eyes for any clue as to what he was feeling.

He met her gaze for a few moments before sitting down at the edge of the bridge, motioning for her to sit next to him. "I just spent three and a half hours listening to Tori Amos," he said as if it was the only natural way to start a conversation.

"Okay…" she said, a bit uncertain of what he was getting at with that statement. The last time he had mentioned her it had been in reference to her music being depressing.

"It sort of calmed me down," he continued with a half smirk.

"I really am sorry," she said after a moment, watching him out of the corner of her eye.

"I know," he said. "Me too."

"I still don't want you to leave," she said, turning her head towards him fully, watching him intently.

"I have to get back to work," he said, offering her a small smile, this time looking genuine. "And you have to be at school. You won't even have time to notice I'm not there with all the things you'll be doing this summer."

"You sound like I'm going to forget you," she said, waving an accusing finger in front of his face. "That's not gonna happen," she stated.

She was a bit startled when he caught her finger, and then her hand, in his and pulled her closer to him. It felt like the first physical contact in a very long time when she leaned her head against his shoulder and felt his hand around her waist.

She noticed that he still seemed a bit tense and sadly wondered how long it would take him to really forgive her. She had never really found herself in this position before, where she had to prove herself in some way. It had almost always been the other way around and she suddenly knew how impossible it could seem.

They stayed at the bridge for almost an hour and watched the sunset together. There hadn't been any more talking, but she had felt him gradually relax against her. It made her feel more optimistic and she cuddled closer to him, smiling as she felt his arm tightening around her.


They got up early the next morning to get in time for her registration at Yale, neither of them mentioned the events of the past days, neither during the drive to New Haven or as he walked with her through the campus. Through some silent agreement they had decided that this day they should enjoy their last day together.

After her registration was done they went to a small restaurant where they spent almost three hours sitting at a corner table. Finally, when they hadn't ordered anything in over an hour and the restaurant was starting to fill up the waitress told them that they'd have to order something or she would be forced to tell them to leave.

Smiling sheepishly at each other they paid her, including a large tip, and went back out on the street where they couldn't hold in their laughter any more. It felt liberating to laugh like that, freely and without thought, and they both felt a lot more positive by the time he had to leave.