Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, Balthier would've been in Dissidia 012 rather than the androgynous Vaan... Oh yeah, I don't own Kingdom Hearts either.

EDIT: Okay, how was this the longest chapter?


Squall: Santa Clause (December 16th)

"Explain to me why we're waiting here again," Squall demanded.

Bartz raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "What, you've never visited Santa before?"

"No. If I had, I would've said so the first time you asked me that question."

Squall, Bartz, and Zidane were at the mall, waiting in a ludicrously long line mostly composed of small, whiny children (behind them was Sephiroth's nine-year-old dead ringer and a grinning brunette child with anime hair to rival Cloud's) and impatient parents. To pass the time, the trio enjoyed drinks from the food court's coffee shop; Bartz had a gingerbread latte and Zidane a caramel apple cider. Squall had convinced his compatriots he had ordered a black coffee; that was a little white lie meant to protect Squall's remaining shreds of manliness. In actuality it was skinny vanilla latte with a doubleshot of amaretto he was sipping on, the sly son of a submariner.

"We're visiting Santa Clause!" said Zidane. "On Christmas Eve, he goes around to every house in the universe and delivers lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh to every mother's child who is on his nice list."

"If you're naughty," Bartz continued with an eyebrow wiggle, "then you get coal!"

Squall regarded the pair of mischief makers with a critical eye. "...Bull," he declared their tale. "That's the lamest story I've heard since Final Fantasy X-2."

"Oh, snap!" cried Zidane and Bartz simultaneously at the burn.

Minutes later, they were at the front of the line. Before them was Santa in all his I-shoved-a-pillow-under-my-shirt-so-I'll-look-obese glory. He had a vivid red coat covering his chunky mass, a belt tightened around his waist, a curly white beard, and a jolly smile upon his face. "Ho, ho, ho, you look a little too old to be sitting on my lap!" he said to Squall. "Don't tell me you've been naughty this year!"

Too late, Zidane and Bartz realized their folly: they hadn't instructed Squall about the Santa procedure, including the sitting on his lap part. Naturally, Squall took this the wrong way.

"I knew this was some sick joke," he muttered to Santa.

"Ho, ho, ho, what do you mean?" Santa asked cheerfully, not understanding what Squall was referring to.

"Sitting on your lap? Calling me a ho? You're just a pervert, aren't you?"

The outraged parents gasped, Santa turned beet red, and Zidane cried, "Squall, no!"

Santa nodded vigorously, attempting to salvage the situation. He even managed to hold in his snickers at Squall's name. "Yes, listen to your little friend, Squall! What's his name? I'm sure he wouldn't mind sitting on my lap-"

Poor choice of words. Santa found himself with an irate Mama Squall at his throat. You didn't mess with his little children, despite him not even being the oldest of the three. He yanked on Santa's beard and growled, "Listen, you-" That was the farthest he got, because Santa's beard came clean off, freeing the man so he could tackle Squall.

"Santa sure can throw a mean left hook," Zidane commented to Bartz.

"I knew it!" exclaimed the Sephiroth dead ringer. "I told you Santa wasn't real, Sora!"

Sora sniffled a little as he watched the scary, oddly dressed man beat up one of his heroes.


Hooray for Squall's ignorance!

Double hooray for Kingdom Hearts character cameos!

IT'S A DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY...I'm going to cry in awe.

The funniest thing about Fanfiction is that I type words I never actually will say in real life, hooray included.