Ch 12
BPOV
I'm in Hell. It doesn't matter how much I hunt my body feels like it's shutting down. No matter what Emmett does to make me laugh, the sound can't escape the tightness in my throat. Even when Rose tries to comfort me my whole being repels it. I can't be happy. The world isn't right. I keep thinking back to the conversation I had with Rose last night.
"I don't understand it Rose. Everything is all messed up." Even as I speak my stomach tightens and whirls.
"Ok let's put everything on your mind out on the table and sort through it. What's bothering you the most?"
I rubbed my head in a human gesture of frustration. It didn't help because vampires don't get headaches in the traditional sense. "The Whitlocks are murderers, mass murderers apparently. But I feel so comfortable with them. Being away from them, away from Jasper, I feel like my chest is ready to cave in on itself. Edward is charming and gentlemanly but when he touches me it feels off and I don't feel like he is always honest with me. What does it say about me that I feel better around monsters?"
Rose sighed and laughed in a small quiet way. "Bella in some way all of us are monsters. I got my revenge on the men who raped me in an overly theatrical way. Emmett met his singer and drained her before he realised what he was doing. Even Alice and Esme have slipped. No one is perfect. Jasper, Char, and Peter didn't know a better way and as soon as they did they left. Edward seems perfect but he rebeled for awhile and did what Char and Peter do now, he hunted criminals."
That was a surprise. Edward always acted so composed, so refined. I couldn't imagine him sullying himself with the blood of criminals. I wonder if he primly wiped his mouth with a hankerchief after he fed off of them.
"The point is Bella as vampires we have en eternity to find our way. Change is very hard for us and extremely rare, it usually only happens when one finds their mate."
Mate. There was that word again, four little letters that were controlling my every thought. Jasper and Edward both wanted me as their mate, but only one of them could actually be my other half. Or it may be neither of them since this wasn't an ordinary case of mating. Em thinks it's hard for me because as a newborn I'm like a hormonal teenager, a slave to my emotions and instincts which are in a constant state of flux.
I tried to make sense of it all, tried to hash out my feelings for each man and seperate it from the more impulsive feelings that I figured were just from my newborn craziness.
Jasper scares me. He is obviously dangerous and capable of violence as his history and scars show. But his eyes now are golden so somewhere along the line, he made a choice to hunt animals. That had to count for something. Also like Emmett there was no feeling of being lied to, no subterfuge. Part of me wanted to run from him and the possibility of danger, while the rest of me longed to crawl into his lap and kiss each of his scars, healing him with my affection.
Edward is smooth, almost too smooth. His words are sweet and reverant. He is old fashioned and gentlemanly, but I feel like he hides things from me. If he could he would place me high up on a shelf so that I could never witness the ugliness of the world, which he considered the Whitlocks to be. He did try to court me first, perhaps Jasper is only acting out of competition and jealousy?
That must be it. I'm the new thing for them to fight over. I'm not tall and graceful like Rose, or a skilled fighter like Char. My mind doens't get visions like Alice, Hell it doesn't even function properly and renders the others' gifts impotent. Esme is full of maternal love and has more patience then I could ever posess. I'm nothing special. Fuck it, I'm just nothing.
We had been here for three long endless days. The house was far too extravagent for just two people but I learned that the biggest selling point for this mammoth abode had been the garage. It was detached, three times the length of a normal car, and was wide enough for six cars across. With expert driving you could fit 20 cars in here, but Rose used it to make custom changes to their cars and bikes with Emmett acting as her jack.
They were in that monstrous space while I was in my room pacing, filled with some nervous energy that I couldn't shake when I saw movement among the trees. Suddenly Edward appeared sparkling in the dim morning light and running a hand through his unruly hair. He saw me in the window and his smile was blinding, like a dying man finding an oasis in the desert. I turned and walked down the stairs unsure of what to say or what I was feeling.
I sped down the stairs and my hand reached for the doorknob and turned it, revealing Edward looking like a piece of classical art.
"Bella I'm so glad that you're ok."
My brows furrowed."Why wouldn't I be? Rose and Em have been helping me and taking care of me."
He looked taken aback. "I'm sure they have love, but surely you can feel the pain of being away from your mate, away from m-me." He stuttered.
I gasped because I did feel that pain. It was an ache that was bone deep and penetrated every second since I had left. The only problem was now that Edward was standing in front of me it hadn't lessened, it only deepened. I nodded my head slightly as sorrow engulfed me. Everyone has agreed on only one thing, that even as vampires we have choices. I couldn't choose the monster as my mate.
Edward smiled a little too smugly and reached up to run his knuckles across my cheek. His touch felt cold but full of love. I invited him in though I had learned that it wasn't necessary with vampires. Not much of the mythology was.
I think I mumbled something about making himself comfortable which he did. He asked about his siblings and I told him were in the garage. He sat very close to me and took my hand in his. We sat in silence for a long time before he spoke.
"I'm so happy that you've come to your senses Bella. I know that it must be difficult going through your newborn stage, finding your mate, and finding out that your makers are disgusting monsters. I will do everything in my power to keep you safe and make you happy. I will be perfect for you."
It didn't escape my notice that all of his sentances started with 'I' or how his top lip curled into an unattractive snarl when he spoke of the Whitlocks. I felt anger at him for calling them that and shame at myself for having done the same.
Edward continued talking not expecting me to contribute to the conversation which was good because I didn't think I could. His hand was still holding mine when suddenly his head turned a fraction of an inch as if hearing a dog whistle that couldn't affect my ears. He turned to me with new fervor in his eyes.
"Bella, my mate, my life, may I kiss you now? Be mine love, please." His words were hurried and stressed and no where near as romantic as the words should have sounded. I searched his honeyed eyes and once again found knowledge being kept from me which caused me to hesitate. I admonished myself and ignored the racing feeling in my veins and the whooshing in my ears and nodded sadly.
