If I Can't Have You

Chapter 12

The light has long since gone from the sky and with only minimal illumination from the cheap glaring neon shop lights the grimy alley took on a muted eeriness. The garish yellows and reds bounced and flickered, highlighting the grime and filth of the small shop windows and beaten up rear entrances to dubious natured businesses. Once the sun had gone down the alley way became an even more sinister , dark and dangerous zone.

Not that it posed a threat to anyone really – only the truly stupid or the uninitiated. At this time of night most of the local human race would know to give it a wide berth.

Those who might venture down its path by day for whatever reason and they were usually nefarious ones in this district, would not be so stupid to negotiate it by night.

Its semi darkness and pungent smells were left only for the rodents and the wild creatures to explore.

On this night however it had one occupant of the human kind. But he was not there of his own accord. He was so silent, and so still that if not for his scent he would not even be discernible as human.

He had tried to move earlier, when the light was still just in the sky. When the violent blows to his body had finally stopped and the voices had retreated. He had tried to move then. Just a little, little by little. Every small flicker of his muscles filled him with white liquid hotness – he tried to scream with agony at the sensation that the movements caused him, but his mouth would not seem to work and his mind could not command his throat to produce sound. Swallowing was difficult enough.

His lower side was on fire. He must be on fire. The flame was scorching his flesh and eating a hole into his insides. The rod of heat was deep inside him and he tried until he was exhausted to wrap his shaking hand, sticky and slippery with blood, around the rod and pull it from his body. He was not even strong enough to close his fingers around its length.

A knife – its was a knife.

From somewhere the word slipped into his consciousness. He could describe the object causing the pain – he had the word for it. But only for a second and then it was gone and he was once more just a body of reflexes and ebbing consciousness.

Inch by inch he pulled himself away. What was he pulling away from? Yes the fire. Away from the fire.

He could sense a form in the near distance – something solid and dark. He didn't even think why, but he had made it his goal – to get nearer to it and away from this heat.

After a long time he had nothing left, nothing at all left in his body to use. The fire was still there, not as hot now and the rest of him was aware of a new sensation - coldness. The two vied with each other – hot and cold. He reached out his shaking arm to the solid mass closer to him now; he managed to touch it with his fingers. It was a wall and it was all his body had to cling to.

A long time later he came back to awareness of himself and the wall and the darkness all around him. The wall was behind him now and its solid hardness was the only thing that he thought was holding him to this earth. His head was so light and his mind was just random images and thoughts, even the hot pain was floating away from him. The wall was there though and he willed himself to push against it, to have his back feel its hardness.

Coldness was all around him now, even stealing away the heat in his side.

Soon he was not even aware of that.

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"You should have seen him Kalzo! Freakin' pig would not go down. Ryan here beat the livin' shit out of him but he still kept comin' back for more".

Kalzo was looking now with frank dislike at his nephew and curious appraisal of one of his newest men, Ryan. He noted the fact that Ryan was badly beaten himself and could appreciate that the episode with the cop had gone down as his nephew was now describing.

"Well you brought the pig to us Ryan so you fucking well better have gotten rid of him. This load is due in anytime now and I want no glitches. Not a one. If he managed to get word out to his men before you and Nick got to him – I will have your head. And that is a promise. Whether we go down or not you hear me?"

Ryan just stared with a cool disdain - it was too close to the end now and he was becoming tired of this overbearing thug. He let the idiot Nick babble on for him.

"Hey cool it Uncle Kal, we did the job well ok. Ryan creamed him good." Nick sniggered in his infantile way. "But not before Ryan here got pretty creamed himself by the pig! Hey Ryan, he got a few in on ya' didn't he? He sure did Uncle Kal - the pig really knew how to fight! Big tough cop eh?"

The boss cringed at the younger man's use of his familial relationship to him.

"I told ya before don't call me that around here ok? Christ boy you have got to learn how this game works!"

He shook his head in frustration at his nephew and wished for the hundredth time that he had never agreed to give his brother's youngest kid a job in his outfit. Now he was stuck with the brainless coke head and his brother would have the whole family down on him if he got rid of him. He would have to find a way to do that though and very soon….He could take no more of this imbecile.

"So did you use your gun Nick? Did you dispose of it?"

Ryan looked at the floor and took a breath.

Nick looked more than a little frightened.

"Nah well….."

"I did it Kalzo. I took care of him in the end. Let Nick here have a day off from his cop killing duties"

Nick looked at Ryan with utter relief.

"You got your own gun boy?"

He really wasn't sure how this was going to end up – but as he knew the bust was just about to go down and the cops would be crawling all over this place in minutes, he went with what was going to be own cover with the force. They had to believe that he had done his best to buy Starsky time for the cops to find and save him so he needed his own cover story to be as authentic as possible. The back of his neck was already prickling - his old telltale warning that meant his fellow officers were already sliding into the side streets getting ready to hit the warehouse. He needed to prepare for the scrutiny he would soon be under.

"I do but I didn't use it. I knifed him." It was all that Ryan offered and he hoped that Kalzo didn't want more details because Nick here couldn't keep his mouth shut and would let on that they had left "the pig" still breathing when they departed the scene. Ryan had told Nick that the cop would be dead in no time and that bleeding out slowly was the sort of agonising death he wanted for this cop who had put him in danger with Kalzo and beat him up badly.

Nick was in again - hyped and full of details for his uncle.

"Yeah then it looks more like the work of Freddy and his boys, the buyer Dave and I had been dealin' with in that neighbourhood. They all use knives – they're all ol' street boys. Isn't that right Ryan?"

Kalzo was losing interest now. It seemed that the big man Ryan had it covered and any residual suspicions he had about him lifted when he saw again the damage the cop had done to him during his fight to stay alive.

'Don't give a flyin' fuck what you used as long as he's dead and you left the trail cold back to me. It will be easy to think that the cop got done by the boys he had been selling to for me."

The phone on his desk shrilled.

The call they were all waiting for. Delivery was coming in.

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"What's your name officer? I don't even know your name."

Was he talking to him directly? There were a couple of them in the room now so he looked about quickly trying to make sure he had not been mistaken. No, the blond sergeant was looking directly at him and seemed oblivious to the other staff.

He was stretched out in a chair, his long frame a formidable presence in the small radio communication room. His legs were crossed at the ankles and he had his head slumped forward with his chin on his chest . One hand kept rubbing his forehead and then he would alternate that with rubbing at his forearm. He had been doing that for over an hour now and Riley did not think he could take it anymore.

Not that he found that Detective Hutchinson was annoying him, but just watching him to carry out this same action over and over was getting to the younger officer. It was as though the sergeant could not stop the incessant rubbing of his arm and that he was in fact not even aware he was doing it.

He had stormed back into the radio room a long time ago now – cursing and swearing. He had kicked at the chairs, the filing cabinet and the wall. Riley had just looked away. He wasn't afraid of him, but he was concerned for him.

Riley had just kept about his business and tried not to watch him too much. He had turned a blind eye when he had taken over the radio control on the other desk and had patched himself into the surveillance cars back at the warehouse. Nothing they said or reported back to him seemed to change his spirit. His anger stayed constant and his frustration mounted. And as the minutes ticked by he looked more and more frantic.

How many times could a man look at a clock?

Eventually he just fell back in the chair, stretched out his long body and took on that watchful air - listening to every dispatch that came in. Of course not all of them concerned the warehouse bust and by now the next shift had arrived and the night calls started up. But the detective spoke only sparingly to the other officers. He was civil but curt with them, at times Riley thought overly irritated.

But he didn't seem that way with him and Riley was not sure why. He supposed it had to do with the fact that he had been sitting here with for the longest. But also Riley knew, it had to do with Riley's awareness of how the blond detective was really feeling. When he snapped at the other guys and demanded more details about a report, Riley knew it was not because he was angry with them, but because he was feeling so bad in himself.

Riley stayed. He was pulling a few extra hours tonight – as a favor for one of the other guys. He did not mind – never did. He loved his job and he loved the work down here in communications. It was one of his first rotations and eventually he would be moved to another area, foot patrol or traffic – but this job here, it felt good to him and suited his temperament. He felt like he was at the crossroads of every piece of action that concerned the force. Directing, linking up, problem solving – he got to do it all here at his desk with his radio and his direct line back to the officers in their patrol and undercover cars.

It was he thought, all about co-ordination.

Riley liked co-ordination, organizing and planning ahead. He liked order and systems.

But tonight, today really because this had been going on for hours now, he did not feel like he could do much to co-ordinate or problem solve anything for Detective Hutchinson.

He was not used to officers being in this workspace or room for very long. It was normally the domain of the radio guys and the other cops just waited to get updates and calls about cases in their cars or at their own desks.

For whatever reason this senior officer had decided to set up camp right next to his space.

He figured it had a lot to do with why this senior officer was in such a foul mood. He recalled that many of the expletives uttered and yelled by Detective Hutchinson as he had taken out his anger on the filing cabinet in the corner, had concerned "fucking Dobson" and "even Dobey, Christ even Dobey!" The young officer who was in total awe of the big black captain, was aghast at the way the detective had sworn about him.

After he had finished kicking the chairs and the cabinets and calling the captain filthy name, he had sort of calmed down a little. He had taken up residence then, just sat down beside Riley and looked at the two- way and waited.

He started now at the detective's question that did seem to be directed at him.

"I don't know your name officer? I have been sitting here with you for hours today and I don't know your name. I know you know mine."

Oh hell. Please do not blush now. Why me? Why is he interested in me?

"Ahhhh – its Riley sir. Officer Riley. I graduated four months ago now Sir. This is my second rotation and I - I enjoy working down here in communications. I am, interested in computers, you know sir, they say that it will be how we will all work soon – ah – in the future – with computers. So I like this side of police work."

Oh God, now lame did that sound, this really cool detective asks me a simple question and I can't even get out a simple answer without blabbing my head off!

Riley dared to look at the man trying to see whether he would be smirking at his dumb reply.

"Well Officer Riley, good for you, because you know the damn things sure leave me lost and confused. Can't say I am interested in much of that sort of stuff myself, but hey…if it works."

He smiled a little now and Riley thought how kind he looked when he did. "I can manage the electric typewriter - finally got that one down.

"Starsky still can't even get the damn paper into the manual one. Mind you I think we both know that is his ploy to get out of doing the reports. Maybe computers will one day help him to write his share of our reports."

His smile vanished and he closed his eyes and briefly shook his head as if pushing away the image.

"Look, I just wanted to say to you, ah, Riley that I am sorry if I am here, in your way, in your workspace, but you see, I need to be near…in case there …there is some word on Stars….on - my, my …"

He looked hard at Riley and then stopped. Faltered. Stuttered. His eyes looked sadder than even before if that was possible.

He started rubbing at his forearm again and then moved up to the crease in between his eyes. Riley wanted nothing more than to hear Car 65 come in using their caller ID and for them to have a message about the Kalzo operation that would make the light come back into Detective Hutchinson's eyes.

But the radio was just static. The other officers were busy with calls that had nothing to do with the warehouse job and lots to do with drunks, brawls and minor felonies.

There was no words coming in on the radios that could bring the light back into the blond detective's eyes. Riley felt pulled in two directions. He wanted to both leave so he did not have to watch this man's tortured face anymore. But also he wanted to stay, to just be here for him in silent support.

He took a risk then. Rolling his desk chair over to the detective he touched him lightly on the arm, and then with more courage when the detective looked up and did not pull back, with a firmer grip.

"Sir – I am sure that Detective Starsky will be safe. He is a good cop sir, and he knows how to handle difficult situations. You have to just keep thinking that sir - for your own well being and - and for your partner's. He will need you to be there for him when the operation is over...sir."

Had he overstepped the mark here? Made a statement that was insubordinate? He didn't think so but he was used to being stomped on by senior officers who liked to pull rank on juniors.

The sergeant put his own hand on his Riley's arm and reciprocated the gesture. The look in his eyes as he smiled gently at the younger man was full of emotion.

There was no way now that Riley would opt out and leave.

Even when his shift was over he knew he would stay – in silent support.

This man had shown him that his presence counted for a lot more than he had ever given himself credit for. Riley knew then – "Hutch" had just given him his first real taste of brotherhood.

Riley was beginning to understand now just a little of what this man must share with his partner.

The connection between the two partners was unfathomable in its intensity.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Thirty minutes or so later the call came in. Officer Riley was alone at his station and took the call. Detective Hutchinson had left the room to meet with the team upstairs. They were all getting last orders before getting into position for the raid.

Riley picked up the patch through as soon as he saw the ID – it was the officers who had reported earlier on Starsky having been taken by Ryan and Calbrini. He listened to the message with a dread that only proved to him how quickly someone could be pulled into another person's nightmare.

He made a decision. The detective would not be at his desk now anyway. He would rather give him this information in person.

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

"So you've all got your orders, you all know the drill. We expect each of you to be in position by twelve midnight and wait for the directive. First trucks are expected to arrive no later than one am but of course there is always the possibility of a wider time frame given cargo and freight handling issues. It is anticipated that Kalzo wants to start unloading the trucks as soon as they hit the warehouse depot and to have distribution starting by dawn."

'"We want Kalzo unharmed and his two closest men – you all know those details. Those three men are imperative to us – we want them in and alive if at all possible."

"Captain Dobey"? One of the uniforms spoke up from the back of the room.

"Any word yet on Detectives Starsky and Lancaster – what are their positions likely to be in the takedown. Can we expect them to be on site and therefore need to cover their backs."?

Dobey and Dobson gave each other a long look. Hutch hoped his eyes were burning holes in Dobson's face right at this minute.

He caught his captain looking at him in an uncomfortable way as he breathed in to respond to the officer's question. Dobson cut right across him. The move was not lost on most of the men who were equally divided in representation of the two precincts. Word had already filtered through that something had gone down with Starsky and Ryan. Word did not take long to travel in the department especially where two precincts were involved and each of the undercover detectives were from different precincts. The rumours had been running wild in the past hour and the two captains knew it.

The undercurrent was palpable.

"It would appear that we are not privy to the specifics of how Detectives Lancaster and Ryan are handling the mechanisms of their undercover operation. Earlier today, and I am sure many of you are aware of this, we have had word that the two detectives have left the warehouse for – what would seem - safer ground. We do not have the details but it is highly probable that Detective Starsky's cover had been blown and Detective Lancaster has been - err, required to take measure to ensure the safety of his fellow officer and to preserve the integrity of the undercover operation. That is all we have on the situation at the moment men."

Dobson kept his eyes everywhere but on Hutch.

"We assume that both officers will not be on site until the operation is complete. You should not have to concern yourself with their safety. "

You fucking asshole. You know nothing of the sort and have no idea where Ryan has taken Starsky or what he has done to him.

He had tried. He had really tried to contain himself. No longer possible.

Dobey saw Hutch's face and knew what he was about to do. The other officers were all looking at Hutch. They too knew what he was feeling.

"Hutchinson!"

As Hutch stood, seething with pent up anger there was a knock at the meeting room door and a self-conscious cough. Hutch whirled around - Riley.

"Captain Dobey, Dobson – I am sorry to interrupt but I believe that you all need to hear this latest call in from surveillance at Kalzo's warehouse".

He was careful to address the most senior officers in the meeting but his message was directed at one man only. He was looking at him directly as he spoke.

Hutch was at Riley's side in an instant. His blue eyes were drilling into Riley's face and asking him to tell him what he most feared.

"What is it Riley? You have word on Starsky?"

How could he feel like he knew this man after just having spent time with him this one day? But he did. And Riley did not want to hurt him anymore than he was hurting, but he wanted to be the one to tell him – to do it kindly.

"Sir – I am sorry, but Detective Lancaster and Calbrini have returned to the warehouse – without Detective Starsky. I am – I am truly sorry – sir".

oooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo

Hutch was stationed in the undercover car with the two other detective sergeants – both of them from the nineteenth precinct. Neither of them known to him very well.

They had been in position for under an hour now and finally there was some movement within the warehouse and its immediate outer zone. Reports were coming in that the first truck out of a supposed three was making its way along the main arterial road leading into the warehouse area. Right on time – if anything a little early. The first load should hit the delivery zone at just after one am and there appeared to be at least twenty men on hand to take the delivery and pull the load down from the truck and straight into the bay where there were even more men waiting to start unpacking and parceling up orders.

Hutch had no interest in any of if now. The delivery, the load, the total amount that would be taken in, or in fact the men at the top of the ring itself.

Only three factors concerned him. Starsky's well being, Ryan's behavior toward his partner and Ryan's motives within the context of this operation.

Ever since Riley had passed him the piece of news, his mind could not stop grinding those same thoughts over and over till he thought his head would explode with the suppressed fear he held for Starsky and the anger he felt for Ryan – and also for Dobson who had blatantly refused to acknowledge what his own man may have done to jeopardize his partner.

He had fucking returned without him!

He had left him – in what state Hutch was too terrified to even contemplate. But he had returned with Nick – he had left Starsky – for whatever reason – and no reason would be good enough – for Ryan had left his own designated partner on this assignment and returned to the job.

In Hutch's mind it could only mean one thing. He had been in on the make of Starsky. Ryan was involved somehow. He must be.

He was incensed that Dobey could not see reason on this too.

He knew of course, when he put his cop's cap on, that Dobey's hands were tied and that he had no choice to see this bust go through – so close were they to the final hour.

But no one – no one could convince him that all was well with his partner.

In the meeting when Riley had brought the dreaded news – Dobson could not wrap the brief up any faster. He had everyone up and out before questions were raised and the obvious queries would come in – not just from Hutch – from any of the other more experienced cops there in that room too. From Dobey.

Your undercover partner gets made. You leave with your partner under threat, in order to preserve your own cover – with another man from the outfit you are trying to bust – you get orders from the top man – a gun is involved. Hell, for God's sake any cop in that room worthy of working an operation of this caliber – they knew. They all knew. Something was intrinsically wrong about this undercover case. And what was wrong did not just involve the head honcho.

But no one was prepared to question Dobson – about his man – about Ryan.

Most of the men could smell it –even the rookie down in Communications could work it out. There was the smell of shit in this case and no one but Hutch was prepared to think out loud.

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