(A/N You know guys, I was thinking of what kind of chapter I was going to update next… Should I give the readers some comic relief or continue with the story. Then a thought flashed through my mind and I immediately started laughing. At the end of this chapter it there will be a continuation from Chapter 13's ending. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own this (parody) of HTTYD. This mess is non profit.
Curses! Almost forgot! I'm going to need your help at the end of the chapter. It won't take long. So after you are done laughing, you can answer questions to my immense stupidity. Now you can Enjoy this chapter!
Ahhhh. I turned over again hoping that it would make my position more comfortable but it didn't. I looked up from the ground to my bed and frowned. My house. My room. My bed! I grumbled to the guest that shoved me off the bed in the middle of the night. At first I didn't even notice until an hour later I was awoken by cramps in my back and neck. She probably didn't even notice the sudden space she acquired over night. I scooted to the side of the bed and rested my reclined against it. It wasn't the most perfect position right now but I remembered the last time I woke up in the same bed her.
Even though I've been thrown to the floor plenty of other times, it still hurt getting back up from it. But she would brutally pain me and I would feel it the rest of the day. I probably already looked like a zombie from lack of sleep, if I had a limp it would be the icing on the cake.
I sighed and let my head fall on the bed. I looked up to the ceiling and thought back to last night.
Astrid. I slightly turned my head to the right. Looking peaceful, she was still sleeping and making cute snoring sounds. Gods! I sound like a dork. But that didn't stop me from grinning like an idiot at the thought. The thought of what Astrid would do to me if I actually said that to her. I furrowed my eyebrows. Would she be mad? I mean, it's a compliment right? Yea.
Astrid seemed to notice someone was staring at her in her sleep because she started to stir. She opened her eyes and I didn't have enough time to turn away from her face. So there I was, face to face, smiling at her. Heat came to my face as she blinked her eyes as if I was mirage or something.
"Uh, good morning Astrid." I turned my body away from the bed and sat down across from here on the floor with my legs crossed.
Astrid sat up straight on the bed and yawned, stretching her arms and back. Then she wiped the sleep out her eyes. "Ah, yea nothing says 'good morning' like waking up to you smiling." She reclined back against the wall next to the bed.
I was a little confused at first whether or not she was being sarcastic but I grinned anyway. "At least you didn't wake up from cramps for sleeping on the floor." I stretched my back until I felt a satisfying pop in release of tightened joints. Looking up, I saw Astrid staring at me with a confused expression. "What?"
"Why were you sleeping on the floor?"
"Gee, I don't know. How did you sleep last night, Astrid? Did you have enough room?" I drawled with a look of innocence painted on my face. "I had the best rest of my life sleeping on the floor." I grinned cheekily.
Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Are you implying that you're being on the floor is my fault?" She put her hand to her hair and flipped it dignifying. "Besides it's not fault you have an unhealthy obsession with the floor."
"No, I'm accusing that your big butt shoved me off onto the floor." I instantly slapped both my hands over my mouth, the color draining from my face. I cursed to my hands. Why did I say that? She's going to murder me. Everything slowed down as I looked up to Astrid's face turning a violent red.
Astrid pounced, catching me off guard and sending us both backwards. She got right in my terrified face and I didn't know what scared me more. First, she was slowing freezing me and melting me with her ice cold blue eyes. Then she was gripping both my wrist with enough force she could've easily already broken either one of them but she eased her clamped hands and leaned back away from my face.
"Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right here and now." Astrid said with venom dripping in her tone.
Behind her I saw that the sun was coming up. Once my eyes got adjusted, I looked around the room for anything that could help me. That's when I noticed that there was someone else in the room.
"Toothless! Wake up, buddy! I need- mmph!" Astrid released one of my wrist and put her hand over my mouth. "Not so fast, Haddock!" Astrid whispered lowly, trying not to wake up Toothless.
I feared that Toothless didn't hear me the first time but I was more than relieved when the Nightfury began to awaken from his sleep. He blinked his eyes open and looked around the room until they stopped on us. Toothless' head tilted in confusion than he laid his head back down as if to go back to sleep.
Fearing my life, I got my free hand and tried to pry Astrid's hand off my mouth. But every time I got one of her hands off she would replace it with her other hand. By now she grew tired of this game and put both her hands over my mouth. She leaned next to my ear. "You're mine."
My heart lurched to my throat. For years I wanted Astrid to say that but as I looked back over to Toothless, I saw that he was about to nod off. Thinking desperately, I came up with the only solution.
"Bleh."
Astrid whipped her hands away from my mouth and stumbled backwards. "Ewww! That's disgusting Hiccup!" She hissed while wiping my spit off her hands on her leggings.
I ignored her and crawled over to where Toothless was now sleeping. Finally getting to him I tried everything I could think of to wake him up. Poking his belly, wagging both his ears, and finally just downright shouting for him to wake up. "Toothless! Get up you lazy salamander! Come on-" Astrid grabbed my ankle and was now dragging me away from Toothless.
The last desperate call finally woke up Toothless and he stretched his wings and yawned with his massive jaws. After licking his lips, Toothless looked over to me being dragged away by Astrid. But instead of being concerned for my life, Toothless looked over to the empty bed and waddled over towards it.
I saw that Toothless was now awake but he was heading for my bed to go back to sleep. Before I could protest, Astrid pulled me into a full nelson. "Gah!" Why is everybody using this on me?
"Let's see you escape now!" Astrid said as she sat the both of us down on the floor.
I had to admit, she had me pinned. I thought as Astrid cranked my neck. But she couldn't stop me from talking. "Toothless!" Said dragon looked up from his comfortable spot on my bed. "If you get me out of this, I'll give you three baskets of fish for breakfast."
POV To Toothless
I perked my head up in interest but put it back down to try and sweeten the deal. I saw that Hiccup was in trouble with his mate, but I'm going to need more than just an few extra baskets of fish to really be able to help him out. I stared at him coyly.
"Ugh fine. I'll give you three baskets of salmon if you help me out of this, you spoiled dragon."
I grinned with my gums, obviously excited that I got more out of the deal. I dramatically climbed off the bed and started to approach the teenagers. But I stopped in my tracks when the female glared at me, with an intensity that could burn me to a crisp where I stood. She might've been just a human but why risk my life
That's when Toothless turned on his heel and went back to the bed. I looked at his retreating form with fear quickly coming back to me. I was so stunned that I didn't even hear that Astrid was yelling at me until she cranked my neck.
"Now that I have your attention and there are no more interruptions…" She looked over to Toothless. He turned away from them and looked at the wall next to the bed. "I'm going to ask you again. Why should I let you live Hiccup?" She cranked my neck again and I groaned. "And don't even think of licking me again or else I'm going to go to the forgery and get a rusty…" She didn't finish the sentence on purpose. I was literally shaking. I tried to calm myself long enough to think rationally. That's when it came to me. It was morning!
"I-I'll make you breakfast!" I said to loudly.
"Are you trying to bribe like you did with Toothless?"
"N-no… Astrid. You must be hungry, right? If you let me go I'll make you breakfast." I felt her grip loosen ever so slightly. I took it that I was almost home free.
"Hmm. What kind of breakfast?"
"Oh! The works. Eggs, bread, and ham- Gah!" Her pull came back.
"I hate ham."
Aah! How could I forget that. If I could use my hands I would slap my forehead. "Ahh, I forgot. I'll make some sausage links instead! Okay?"
"Fine." She said simply before releasing the nelson.
I fell forward. I stood up and walked over to my bed to put my boots on. I sat down and glared at my best friend. "Big help you were."
Toothless put one of his wings over his head, hiding from the guilt.
I put boot on and stood up.
Astrid walked over to where I was and bent down in front of me. She picked up her skirt and began fastening it back on. Then she went past me and sat on the bed, crossing her arms across her chest. She began tapping her foot, then she raised her eyebrow looking at me expectantly. "Well?"
"What?"
"Make my breakfast."
"Oh yea.." I walked to my door and prayed that we still had sausage links in the cupboards. I opened the door and climbed down the stairs. I peeked around and spotted my Dad with his breakfast already laid out on the dining room table. I walked out into the open and my eyes widened. There was eggs, bread, and sausage links on his plate!
Dad saw me and smiled. "Morning Hiccup!"
I ignored him and rushed to the cupboards. My heart my beating across my chest. The cupboard was empty.
Dad laughed behind me while rubbing his hands together. "I hope you weren't hungry for sausage links because I made the last ones!"
I rushed to the table and snatched his plate away before he was about to dig in. Dad's face scrunched up and turned red. "What is the meaning of this Hiccup! Give me back my breakfast!" He got up and grabbed my shoulder.
I tried to shrug it off but he had a steel grip on me. I put the plate down and stared back at him. "Dad, this is an emergency. If I don't get Astrid her sausages she's going to kill me."
Dad's expression changed drastically. In all seriousness he addressed me as if it was life or death situation. "Hel hath no fury for a hungry woman." He whispered and looked directly into my frightened eyes. "Go! Go and feed her before it's too late!" He shoved the plate in my hands and pushed me towards the stairs.
I was too concerned for my life to care why my Dad was suddenly acting weird. I climbed up the stairs, my sole mission getting Astrid her breakfast. I kicked the door open and bolted into the room to my bed. I didn't count on Astrid standing right in front of the doorway. It all happened so fast. Astrid fell backwards and the plate came out of my hands.
The food flew off the plate and landed on Astrid. Eggs in her hair, the sausage links in her lap, and bread crumbs all over her shirt.
Astrid sat there, stunned.
The room was in complete silence. I didn't dare take one breath. But eventually the adrenaline overcame me and I slammed the door closed, flying down the stairs. Dad was signing papers on the table. He looked up in concern. "Hiccup, what happened? I heard the door slam."
"A-astrid! I-I-I accidentally! And she was right there! The food went whoosh!" I stuttered out.
Dad looked at me even more confused about the situation. But it all clicked when screaming came from upstairs.
"HICCUP!"
Dad and I instantly hugged each other, sweat now beading down our faces, our eyes grew as big as dinner plates.
"Oh. My. Gods."
And here's the second part of the Comic relief from the last chapter.
EquinoxKnight01: *dangles a cookie in front of M-rating.*
M-rating: "Can I haz cookie now?" ^_^
EquinoxKnight01: "No. I have kiddies reading this story." ಠ_ಠ
M-rating: "Nooo!" T_T
EquinoxKnight01: "Curse your cuteness. Fine, here's a piece of the cookie."
M-rating: "Yay!" *munch munch munch*
EquinoxKnight01: "Don't get any crumbs on the leather!"
The morning after
The first thing I woke up to, was a sore back. I opened my eyes and saw that I was on the floor. I groaned and got up. I saw Astrid sleeping on my bed peacefully. I huffed. She probably kicked me off the bed again.
I turned on my heel and went to the washroom. After washing my face, I quietly snuck past the creaky floorboards and opened my door slowly. I didn't want to take the chance to see if Astrid was grumpy in the mornings. After getting into the hall, I walked down the stairs. Now in the kitchen, I saw that Dad had all ready made breakfast. He was sitting at the head of the table as if he was waiting patiently for me to come downstairs. Although the breakfast looked amazing, I felt a little dreadful. It wasn't normally for Dad to prepare breakfast and stay home. Something was up.
"Morning Hiccup, how did you sleep?" His expression nonchalant.
"Uh, good I guess." I sat down and started eating.
"Good, good…" He said, stroking his beard. I noticed that his plate was still full.
"Sorry Dad, did you wait for me or something?" I asked. His eyes looked directly into mine. Then he stared even more intently.
"Hiccup, did you get past that upset spell from yesterday?" He asked, completely ignoring my question.
"Uh, yea. Astrid came and apologized. Everything's back to normal."
"Hmm. Well Hiccup, I'll get straight to the point. I was downstairs last night and I heard the floorboards creaking." He gave me an amused look.
I blanched. "Oh, Dad… this is a misunder-"
He put his hand up to shut me up. Then he grinned mischievously. "I also heard, what I'm guessing was your headboard banging against the wall…" His grin grew wider.
"Dad… nothing-" Yet again I was interrupted when he stood up suddenly and walked around the table to my end. Once he got next to me, he brought me into a bear hug.
"I'm so proud! You became a man last night! Ha ha ha!" Then he put me down and looked to the ceiling. "Odin, it was rough! I almost gave up on ya! But all the while, you been hiding your true 'glory' all this time. HA HA HA HA HA!" He threw his head back laughing.
I was confused. I mean, Astrid and I weren't married. Shouldn't he be mad? "You're not mad?" I raised my voice to get it over his laughter. His laughter stopped abruptly and he stared down at me like I've grown two heads.
"WHAT? I was hoping for this!" He turned around and pulled up a chair, sitting down facing me. "With you doing so well in bed, we finally have something to talk about." He scooted his chair closer. Eager for me to begin telling my war story of becoming a man. But as soon as he sat down, I already knew I was going to talk to him about that. We didn't even do anything. And shouldn't he be scolding the both of us right now instead of encouraging us to continue when we not even married?
"Uh, you know… I gotta go feed Toothless, so maybe later?" It wasn't really a lie. Toothless was going to wake up soon. I got up and excused myself. I was about to open the backdoor and get some fish baskets for Toothless. What my Dad said next surprised me.
"Hiccup, I didn't want to say this until after we talked… But son, I heard laughing." Dad said stroking his beard and giving me a sympathetic look.
My back was still facing him, so I didn't see his pitiful look. I froze in my tracks. I really didn't have the slightest clue what he was talking about. "What?"
"Son, I don't want to belittle your skills but after the pounding ceased I heard Astrid laughing." Dad got up and put his arm around my shoulders, leading me back to dining room. He stopped me right in front of the table and then he pushed the table and chairs away. The dining room floor was now clear and I was even more confused at what his motives were. "Dad? Wha-" I didn't get to finish. Dad grabbed my shoulder and made me stand right next to him on the now empty space the table was once before.
"Now son, follow as I do and you'll be a pro in no time." What? Pro at what? I got my answer when Dad started swaying his hips ridiculously at nothing but the air in front of him. The awkward situation suddenly turned humorous. I couldn't help but laugh out loud at my Dad. I didn't know what he was trying to do but it looked silly. Dad stopped and glared at me. "That's probably the same way Astrid laughed at you last night, hmm?" He remarked and it immediately shut me up.
I stopped laughing and glared up at him. "Dad you don't even know what happened last night."
"Oh I do know what happened last night. You made a fool of yourself and Astrid was howling in laughter at your so-called skills."
That got me hot under my collar. I knew I wasn't supposed to be boasting at something that didn't even happen but my Dad wasn't going to let this down until I shut him up myself. "She was laughing because…"
He smirked and looked at me expectantly. "Yea, that's what I thought. You're going to do this with whether you want to or not."
My eyes widened. Curses, he got me. Now there's no way out this. I have no choice now. I spread my legs apart and started bucking my hips back and forth. I put my hands out to my sides just in case I lost my balance.I really didn't now what I was doing until a bark of laughter came from beside me.
"You call that technique? I've seen a Gronkle look more graceful!" He chuckled and pushed me aside. "This is how it's done."
Dad looked around him to see if he had enough room for his so-called technique. Once he deemed it ready he began pumping his hips in front of him. I looked to him like he was crazy. He looked like an idiot flailing around like that.
I pushed him aside and started again with my moves. I put more 'ummph' into my thrusts. Then I put my hands behind my head and flapped them back and forth. "You wish you had my skills old man! Uh!"
On the other side of me, Dad started putting combos into his technique. "Old man? Watch this!" He put his arms in the air over his head and jerking his hips side to side. "I've got years of experience over you, boy! HA!" He went from jerking his hips side to side into swaying them. "Just admit it Hiccup! Astrid was laughing at you! HA HA HA!"
Oh, it's so on! I upped up my thrust and pushed to go harder. I am not going to be beat by him at something like this.
While the two Haddocks were making fools of themselves, there was a grumpy councilmen approaching their home. The member of the council was annoyed that he lost the draw to see who would deliver the Chief's signing papers to him. "That's the last time I agree to play Straws to make a decision." He huffed in annoyance.
He finally made it to the door, knocked once to be polite, and then went inside. The councilman was surprise. "Stoick? Hiccup?"
Both my Dad and I looked over to see Rudolph standing in the doorway. He looked shocked and I mentally slapped my forehead. He caught the Chief of Berk and his son looking like idiots. But it was my turn to be shocked. Rudolph put his hand on his hip and sauntered over to where we were standing. He cocked his hip to the side and looked at us with his nose held high.
"With all due respect, you both are doing it wrong." He put himself into the middle of the both of us. "Now follow as I do, okay? Okay!"
(A/N This is where it gets truly ridiculous…)
A few minutes later…
Rudolph walked around and fixed our postures then went back to his spot. "Are we ready to do this?"
I was the first to protest. "NO! I'll look like an idiot!" I put my hands up in exasperation.
"No son of mine is going to be laughed at because he doesn't know how to properly woo a women. You should be lucky to learn this technique from the son of Donkey the Kong. His skills are legendary for getting it on! Now suck it up and get ready." Dad nodded his head at Rudolph to proceed.
"Alright, just as I explained earlier. Three, two, one. Go!"
All three of them leaned to the side slowly while shrugging their shoulders up and down. Suddenly they stood upright and put their hands into claws, turning left to right. Then the put their hands over there heads and clapped. Going down low they glided across the dining room floor. Clapping their hands over their heads one more time, then they put their hands behind their head and began slowly swaying their hips in front of them.
"Uh! Ungh! Hoohaaa!" They all chanted as their hips went back and forth to the imaginary beat.
With all the commotion they were making, The Unholy creation of Lightning and Death sleepily came downstairs. His eyes instantly glued to the three Vikings performing the mating ritual. Toothless grumbled a low laugh. The fools. They're doing it wrong.
Toothless waddled over to where they were performing and stood on his haunches. Proceeding to do "The Running Man". Stretching his wings and also flapping them to the imaginary beat. Then Toothless spun around and began moon walking back and forth behind the Vikings while bobbing his head up and down. Yea! That's right! You got nothing on this Night Fury! Toothless roared. Then he stopped in the middle of the room and started "The Carlton".
By now Astrid had come down hungry for breakfast. Before she knew it, the stupidity radiating off of the four males in the room caught up to her and she started searching for creaky floorboards. Once she found a set of creaky floorboards she started doing Hammer Time on them.
With all the madness going on in the house the universe had tore open and four people have teleported to the Haddock Residence. They all looked around the room and wondered what they were doing there.
"What the Hel?" CGJ yelled.
"How did we get here?" xv323 asked Adam.
Adam shrugged his shoulders and turned to the Knight of Order and Chaos. "Yo, Equinox! What happened?"
But Equinox was walking away from the group to the dining room table. He pulled a stereo out of thin air and put in his iPod. A few seconds later Party Rock Anthem blared into the room. Everyone in the room stopped and looked at Equinox.
"Don't look at me! Start shuffling'!" Equinox put a golden robot head on and started gliding across the floor, his feet a blur. As he flew past, the other three strangers transformed themselves into bright clothed, skinny-jean wearing shufflers.
"Why in the name of Odin are we wearing skinny jeans?" xv323 yelled at Equinox.
Equinox stopped in his tracks. "Would you rather be ponies from Equestria or start dancing?"
All three of them blinked and then immediately started shuffling.
As everyone danced, a raven came out of nowhere and screamed.
"YOU FOOLS! YOU'VE MESSED WITH THE NATURAL ORDER!" Sir Raven screeched.
The End.
(A/N EquinoxKnight01: "Alright! Question Time! To begin, this is completely involuntary."
Readers: "Don't you mean 'voluntary' Equino?"
EquinoxKnight01: "Hahaha Silly humans. Of course you have a choice. Life or life without cookies! Which one?"
Readers: "You're playing a dangerous game, threatening our cookies? That's low."
EquinoxKnight01: "This is child's play."
*Cue Epic Stare down!*
Readers: "Pikachu! I choose you!" They yelled and smiled at their opponent smugly.
EquinoxKnight01 stood unfazed. Then he reached into his pocket and drew his ace. "Arceus! I choose you!" The legendary ultimate pokemon appeared. "Aw yeah! What'cha gonna do now?"
Arceus: "Pikachu? Dude, it's been like 20 years man! Why aren't you evolved yet? That's it! I'm gonna beat you into evolution!" Arceus starting charging up his move "Judgment".
Pikachu: "Pika pi pika- WTF? Peace, I'm out!" Then ran away from the betrayed faces of the Readers.
Readers: "We will answer your questions…" They said while Pikachu ran away, booking it for the nearest Pokemon Center.
EquinoxKnight01: "Okay, First question!"
1.) "For the big dragon at the end of the movie 'How to Train Your Dragon', what is it's name? The Green Death or The Red Death?"
2.) The main protagonist, Hiccup, what is his father's name? Stoick the Vast or Stoic the Vast?
3.) The same as question three. Is Hiccup's cousin named Snoutlout or Snotlout?
4.) Here's the last question. Ready?
WHO HAS THE BEST STORY ON THIS SITE?
CGJ: YOU DA MAN EQUINOX! WOOOOOOOOOOT!
EquinoxKnight01: AWWWWWW YEAHHHHHH! BOOYAAAA! HA HA! HIVE FIVE!
Adam: You guys know what that means!
*puts Party Rock Anthem on full volume*
EquinoxKnight01, Adam, and CGJ start shuffling.
Readers: *face palm* "This story is going down the drain…"
