Disclaimer: I do not own D Gray Man. I don't make any money from writing this. Please don't sue!
Warning: Yaoi themes. Language. Unbeta-edness.
Insomnia Chapter 12: Regret
Tiedol watched his godson with a grave expression, sighing deeply. He found his thoughts wandering to the past when the boy first came to this world. His friend, Takehiro, all but completely changed. He was a stern and stoic man, responsible and intelligent but the arrival of Yu led everyone to see how human and caring he was deep within. The child Julie delivered that day was broke through all the cold exterior of his friend. Tiedol was there when his he held the baby close in his arms and a rare smile crept to his handsome face.
Both Takehiro and Julie loved the child deeply, but she was ever more open and expressive of it. Her beautiful face was full of joy and love those days, gentle and always kind. Other people had wondered how the two ever came to marrying since they were very different but Tiedol knew. She was the perfect woman for him, and him the perfect man to her. They balanced each other out and made up for each other's flaws. They were the picture of the perfect family; a strong husband, a loving wife, and their beautiful child blessed with his parents' best physical attributes.
He could see them both when he looked at the boy's face, even now.
"How they would grieve if they could see you now, Yu-kun," he told his godson. "Please wake up."
There was a slight movement from under the covers and his godson's face tensed. He was mumbling words that he couldn't understand. Tiedol walked closer, straining to listen and make sense of his words. He caught a word from the string of unintelligible mumbles, a name. He stroked Yu's forehead.
"He'll be back," he told his godson in a reassuring tone.
"Dead?"
Lavi felt a cold shiver ran down his body at the thought. Like all the things the woman had said, the notion of the friendly maid being dead was absurd yet there was a forceful, believable quality to it. It wasn't one that negotiated with his sense of reason, rather, it appealled to the more commanding yet vaguer side of him that rarely took over. It was instinctively true, if such a thing existed.
"It was a rare sickness that took her, just the winter after my lady passed," she said. "But it seems that her being dead didn't stop you from meeting her."
Lavi shook his head. Had it been some months ago he would have laughed. "Not at all. She seems just as alive as I am. I've been seeing her in bookman's house before but I never really took note of her until she came to the mansion. She was the one who told me about everything I know of magic and curses..."
"And conveniently left out the bit about what will happen if Kanda Yu fell asleep again?"
Did Alice know of it? "I... She never really knew what I did to help Yu fall asleep. I told no one about it. It was a secret between me and him."
As he was talking, he found himself looking back to those nights he helped Kanda. He was sure the maid knew nothing. Kanda would never tell anyone about it, he was certain that his pride would never allow it. But then the way Alice had talked to him that day when they were preparing for the ball, she definitely knew about how he felt about him. She was very suportive of it.
"And what was I thinking?" he asked the maid.
Alice wore her knowing smile again. "The one thing you always think of. It's only a few hours till this gathering and all these people will come. The young master is of age and is quite the ideal bachelor. Surely, this ball will let a lot of people know just how ideal," she said as she laid down plates of cookies. "With all due respect, should you not act on your thoughts as soon as possible, Dr. Lavi sir?"
He could still remember her words and they definitely sounded like she was egging him on. But did that mean she wanted him to help Yu fall asleep?
"Did she ever show you herself using magic?"
Lavi frowned lightly. "No. She was always working in the kitchen though... And I was always by Kanda's side. I am not aware of her whereabouts and actions all the time."
"It seems like her purpose is to decieve you," she said. She started walking and motioned for him to follow.
Instead of asking where they were headed this time, Lavi kept silent. He let his mind wander off, processing all the information he had just heard. The evil spirit, curse, breaking it, and the apparent abyss he had sent his patient to. Alice was dead and Kanda...
Torture and pain. What exactly was happening to Yu at this moment? He flinched at the many gruesome images of his patient, all bloody and dark. It evoked a strong feeling of pain and sadness in him that he had never felt before. It made him anxious and somewhat angry.
"What exactly do you mean when you said Kanda's soul is suffering in the night lands?" he asked finally. He dreaded the answer but the question insisted to be asked.
She paused in her steps and took a moment to glance back at him. "I don't think you will like the answer."
His fists clenched. "If I really am responsible for something so terrible, I have to know exactly the extent of the consequences of my actions. Tell me."
She looked at him with a hard gaze and then shrugged. "Who knows."
"You know."
She grinned an ugly smile. "I don't. But I do have an idea."
Lavi swallowed. "Tell me."
She resumed walking. "All malicious spirits envy the living. They envy our shell, our ability to feel, our fragility, our fate of dying and passing on. Our soul keeps ascending, moving on to different dimensions while they are stuck in this eternity of watching and being left behind."
They were nearing another clearing now and he could see a tall hill. It was covered with thick green grass rustling in waves as the wind blew.
"If you were a malicious spirit, Lavi, what would you do?"
His hands felt cold. The wind blew through his hair. They started climbing up.
"If you were a being so tired of your pointless existence, consumed by your rage and lust to live and dominate life... Years and years of just watching and waiting and wanting but couldn't do anything... And then you suddenly get that chance. You find the soul of a human you've stalked for years suddenly helpless in your hands... What would you do?"
Damn
He couldn't find his voice. He felt sick as the guilt started washing over him like a tidal wave. His knees felt weak. He wished the winds would blow stronger and rip him apart.
What have I done?
"You really don't listen, do you lad?" she croaked. "Didn't I say that it wasn't your fault? You were deceived."
"I was selfish," he found himself saying, "all those times I never thought of anything but how I felt... and how I could get him to feel the same. Maybe I did it unknowingly in the beginning but I've regained control midway. I could have held back. I could have held back damn it! But I did not... For-For all the logic I boast to have, I've acted purely on my emotions... on what I want. It's unforgivable..."
"Stop blaming yourself, boy."
"Don't you understand?!" he yelled, noticing for the first time that there were tears running down his face. Ethical practice and maintaining his role as a doctor... His mentor had always stressed out these things and he had always waved them off. He thought he understood, would never be in the situation wherein he had to pull himself away forcefully, being the shielded and naturally secluded person that he was.
"This could have been prevented. I'm his doctor and he is my patient. I wasn't supposed to do anything to him. I wasn't supposed to have anything to do with him other than be his doctor. None of these is supposed to happen!"
She just watched and listened.
Kanda was curled on the floor, arms tightly hugging himself protectively while his legs were drawn up against his chest like protective barrier. He stared at the empty hearth, trying to imagine a wild, crimson fire roaring in it and burning brightly, warmly. Lavi.
"It is his fault."
He tried to ignore that voice and the finger running up his arm, drawing lazy circles that ran across his chest. He tried to shake away the instant disgust and vehement repulsion in his gut that screamed in protest. He held his breath and tried not to feel it anymore but his skin told him just where those fingers were. It stopped directly in front of his heart.
"You were protected but he opened you up... Made you vulnerable..."
Kanda blinked, fighting to keep his eyes on the nonexistent fire and trying to keep the image of a face on it. He was hurting all over and he knew it was going to happen again very very soon. It disgusted him, feeling tainted and used. He was angry too, so angry that something like this would happen to him and shatter his pride.
He should be crumbling by now, broken, yet he was not. After all the things that happened and what was still coming, Kanda somehow was not drowning in this living nightmare of pain. He was barely alive, but he found that yes, he was still alive. Even as he sobbed on the floor as the creature pushed his back flat against the surface and parted his legs, a pain burned stronger inside him that kept him sane.
The creature laughed at his tears and mocked his attempts not to cry out and really, Kanda was breaking but the thought that remained dominant for his misery was not what he thought it would be. Not pain. Not disgust. Not anger. It was regret.
In this never ending night and in the arms of such vile touches, he wished he had given himself the chance to bare his emotions to the idiot... He should have been true... Back then, when he still had the chance.
At the windy hilltop, the sun's orange glow fell especially brighter. The cold wind masked all of the lingering warmth and he knew it would just be a matter of time before everything was cast into darkness under the night sky. The grass was even thicker up there but his companion had no problem finding her path across the green sea. She stooped down and he thought she was taking a break but then she parted the grass and wild vines with white flowers. There was a tombstone.
Lavi stood watching as she labored to clear out the grass. He just stood there, not feeling like he wanted to move. When enough was removed, he saw the carved numbers and letters.
Julie
"What are we doing here?" he asked finally. The woman had been silent throughout his angry monologue so he indulged himself, spitting out all the hurts in the air that allowed themselves to be spitted out with words. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried but he seemed to have made up for it then.
Despite all his words of self-depreciation and blame, Lavi realized that he really couldn't find it in himself to regret ever having pursued Kanda. It was selfish, he knew, but as soon as he took that leap of faith he was doomed. He couldn't go back to his former life, couldn't bear the thought of not having that person scowl at him or insult him or fight off his advances or demand to tell him why he was feeling down like it was physically impossible for him to show signs of being nice. Lavi loved everything his patient did. Like a moth to the flame, he was slowly drawn to his flames until his wings burned and he couldn't turn away. Kanda had become an irreplaceable part of his life. He would take him back even if it was the last thing he'd do.
She didn't answer, just looking at him like she could hear his train of thoughts. Instead, she retrieved a small glass vial from her pocket and opened it. It had a clear liquid inside which she poured on the stone, slowly trickling down in wet streaks. She then stood and pricked her finger with her teeth, letting the blood fall on the stone too.
He waited, curious and doubting until a strong gust of wind almost blew him off the hill. He picked himself up immediately and saw her staring at him. Or at least that's what he thought she was doing, her irises were gone. He froze under the blank white stare.
"Hey," Lavi called uncertainly. She made no move. "Are you okay?"
Still no response. He walked to her cautiously while surveying the surroundings and deciding the best direction he should take in case he needed to make a run for it.
Run? You are pathetic.
No, he shook all thoughts of running away from his head. He was fully aware that thought of self-preservation was perfectly natural and acceptable at times when one is threathened but right now, his sense of pride and guilt was overcoming it. I won't leave unless I find a way to bring back Yu.
She smiled. "Come forth."
Her hand was extended out for him. Her voice didn't sound like the old woman before yet it was familiar. It made him hesitant for a moment before he swallowed and reached out.
Darkness. Cold. Lavi frantically searched around him to bring back his senses and bring an end to the blindness. His eyes slowly adjusted and he found himself back in the mansion. Only, it was the middle of the night and it was very cold. It bit through his skin like a thousand needles. All the windows were open, curtains flying in the wind. Torn curtains.
Lavi had seen this before. He looked around and shards of glass lay broken across the floor, along with pieces of wood, parchment, feathers, and other things he couldn't tell what.
He was running as he was before, searching in panic and fear. A sharp scream pierced the air and he paused. He knew that voice. As he rushed quickly to the sound, the screams got louder and louder, each stabbing him cold through the core. He reached a door, his patient's room, and he pushed.
The smell of blood assaulted his nose. Ice blue eyes looked back at him, wide and weary. They were eyes of one who had suffered repeatedly, worn out and at the brink of falling. No, he was suffering until now, repeatedly shattering and rebuilding in a vicous, endless cycle. He was dead but couldn't die.
The man on top of him pulled away from his neck, laughing coldly before burying itself on his chest. Lavi's breath hitched as the limp body gasped and twitched, arms pushing at the body on top of him but in vain.
Lavi lunged forward, wanting nothing more than to pry those dirty hands off of him. Anger surged through him like a wild fire, driving him to the edge.
But he was looking at the old woman's face again and he was standing on top of the hill. His head felt light and he sank on the grass, sobbing loudly and without restraint. He fisted the grass and tore them off and forcefully punched the dirt countless of times. He shouted at the top of his lungs and punched and punched. He couldn't feel a thing.
"That's enough." She had placed her hand on his shoulder and it snapped him out of his blind rage. He felt for the first time the pain on his knuckles and saw that the sky had gone black.
"You have to bring me there again," he said.
"You weren't there to begin with," she said.
"Kanda... I saw Yu. He's suffering, beyond anything I have ever imagined," he mumbled breathlessly. The images were still clear in head. "He was right there... I could have reached him! He needs me..."
"What you saw is a glimpse of what my lady sees," she said sagely. "I was not quite sure that she would still linger in the mansion."
He remembered his unpleasant encounter with her a few months back. "She's there alright."
"I'm guessing she had tried to reach you and succeeded," she said and smiled grimly. "Fear not. She's on your side now and would not do anymore harm."
Yeah, because I fucked up her curse and sent her son to his doom. More like she has no other choice but support me.
"That's great to hear and all but what I really want is to get Kanda out of that place as soon as possible. I can't take the thought of knowing that he is suffering this very moment and the longer we take, the more he suffers."
Lavi felt agitated. He couldn't help it. He saw Kanda in his mind whenever he blinked. It was torturing him.
She retrieved her half-eaten carrot before fishing another one that was fresh. She handed it to him, took a bite, and smiled. Somehow, some of the boils were missing. Lavi received the carrot but did not eat it, thinking that the dim night light was playing tricks on his eyes.
"Don't you worry, boy. We've already begun."
The grandfather clock sang loudly from the main hall and boomed several chimes. Tiedol counted nine as he contiued to watch over his godson. The young doctor hadn't come back yet and he was getting worried. Errands he had sent him for should not have taken more than three hours to be done. If an accident had happend, one of the workers would surely inform him as soon as possible so he was not worried about that. It was more on the possible emotional toll that could turn even the most intelligent men reckless and act without forsight.
Seeing the doctor and his godson together, he had sensed something strong going on between them. Friendship perhaps. Though he knew Yuu was never the friendly type, there was someone bound to earn his friendship, right? Tiedol was glad at the notion, if only he had not seen how the boy watched over Yuu like a longing...
"Kyaaaaaaahhhh!"
Tiedol rose to his feet and immediately ran out of the door and into the scream came from downstairs, he thought and automatically checked the sword strapped on his belt before continuing. He was three doors down before he went back and closed the door to Kanda's bedroom and locking it. He swiftly made his way through the halls and down the stairs, his hand grasping the hilt of his sword.
"Alice?" he called.
The voice was definitely a female. If it was Alice and the attacker found her, it was most probable that she was already dead. There was no knowing how many possible foes were waiting but he couldn't risk waiting for their first move. He had to at least confirm their location. He called the maid again, knowing full well that he was giving away his position and luring them to him. There was no answer so he moved on, silently stalking towards the kitchen.
He could see fire blazing on the hearth and sounds of soft sobs drifted from inside the open door. Tiedol braced himself and pushed it ever so slightly. Alice was alone, sobbing on all fours in front of the hearth. He watched the scene a little more to make sure and went in.
"Alice? Are you hurt?"
At his voice, the maid froze. He could see drops of blood by her hands which were tightly clenched on the floor. Her voice was weak and high pitched when she spoke, refusing to face his way. "General... It was just a small accident. The knife..."
"I heard you scream," he said carefully, walking closer in small cautious steps. Something was amiss.
A few utensils and food were scattered on the floor, seeming like the maid had dropped them accidentally but other than that, everrything seemed in order. A pot was boiling over the merry fire while some cut vegetables and potatoes waited on the long wooden table as if she was in the middle of making a late dinner. Everything looked normal except the maid. Her hands were still shaking as she sat on the floor facing the fire and tossing half of what looked like a carrot into the flames.
"Is something wrong?" he asked, readying himself to draw his sword as he came closer.
In a flash, the girl was in front of him and had stabbed a knife through his right shoulder. A second pain pierced him in his gut. He was falling and there was a force against his head that hit him with blinding pain. The last thing he saw was her face, bloody and full of boils and scratches, leering down at him.
Everything about the mansion told him that his presence was not welcomed. Lavi stood by the gates, rooted on the spot. Not a single window had light and everything was eerily quiet and cold, much like the way it is through Lady Kanda's eyes. Even the air had a menacing heaviness to it.
His first impulse was to run across the garden, kick the doors open and find his patient but the thought was easily pushed away. His mind was unbelievably clear that night, his goals set and all his thoughts bent on achieving them. He had to go about this carefully. So he quietly climbed the gates with nimble limbs and made his way through the garden under the shadows of trees.
He found the window to the first floor library open and he took his chance, slipping through it without making any noise. Kanda should be in his bedroom while Tiedol could be with him or in his own room. It was past dinner time so the maid should be in the kitchen cleaning up, or somewhere else in the mansion doing more mischief.
He had to get to Kanda to make sure he is okay and get him and the general out. Then the difficult part...
The dusty shelves and shadows comforted him because of the impression of being untouched. He had spent a few hours here before but he had never seen Alice here even once. The creaky floors sang under his weight as he walked to the door and opened it. The hallway was dark. He could smell something faint in the air, like food. Was she in the kitchen?
Deciding to mark her position first, he made his way to the descending stairs of the kitchen, careful not to make any more sounds than necessary. A pair of leather boots that he quickly placed as the general's caught his eye from the entrance. He quickly hid under a shadow as a woman's form came into view. Alice's voice drifted in the air, muttering curses and whining angry, unintelligible words. She sounded pissed and somewhat in pain. Perfect, he thought. He watched their shadows and was horrified as the woman started dragging something big across the floor which was unmistakbly the general himself.
It was as he had feared. Lavi did not waste any more time as he turned and stalked his way up the second floor. He quickly located Kanda's room and turned the knob.
"Shit," he muttered in frustration and tried to push the door harder. It was locked.
Did Alice know he was coming for Kanda? He automatically looked at the hallway, doubt and panic starting to rush in even though he saw no one. No, he thought. Alice couldn't know that he was going to sneak Kanda out. Even if she did know he was returning, there was no way of her knowing about the accidental meeting he had with the old woman in town.
Lavi breathed in and collected his thoughts. He still had the upper hand.
"Tsk"
It is her, I just know it. Curse that old wretched witch for doing this. How dare her...
Alice cursed in her head once more as she peeled off a small patch of skin from her cheek, or at least what was left of it. Even in front of the small mirror, she could clearly see the boils, wounds, and pus that littered all over her face. It made her look like she had no skin at all, with all the blood and exposed muscles.
Quite a powerful spell it was to render her this much damage, considering she was very well protected. Eating a whole field of carrots won't do anything to reverse this. Damn her!
But how? To cast such a spell on her, that would require the old woman finding out her daughter... She knew! Alice cursed again and pulled forcefully at her hair, successfully creating a bald patch on the scalp.
I knew I shouldn't have let that boy leave! It must be him who told her.
Her anger materialized like smoke around her before shattering the mirror into a million pieces. She did not flinch even as some of the shards caught her open wounds. She had been careless. With her prey's soul successfully captured, she had lowed her guard, a mistake thatcould have been fatal had she not seen it this early.
And it was not too late at all. She was still ahead everyone in this game, scheming right under their very noses, had she not? She had eliminated everyone in her way. She had taken care of the powerful witch's ghost months ago, had removed the pesky general, and now the mother of this shell was lurking in the shadows. It was just a matter of time before she too was gone. No mortal can hope to contest against her powers afterall...
And what of the boy?
Lavi. Her face grew itchy at the thought of the little nuisance. He was crucial in breaking her prey's curse but he had no further purpose. He could prove to be a problem if she kept him alive for any longer...
She closed her eyes and smiled. The presence of the boy doctor. She missed it somehow, because of her getting hurt and the inevitable rage that followed but no matter, she had sensed him before he could do any damage.
Her smile grew wider as she retrieved the knife from the general's shoulder and made her way out of the kitchen.
The door did not budge when she turned the knob but it easily opened with a slight wave of her hand. Alice found the young master's room exactly as she had left it before with Kanda lying asleep in the middle of the bed like a haunted doll, but her senses told her otherwise. The window was open though, she realized, but ignored it. It was a nice attempt at a distraction but she read it well enough. She couldn't keep the smile from her face.
She walked to the bed and watched her prey sleep. She could sense the intense hatred of another in the room, almost making the person glow and giving away the position in the dark.
There, see? Under the bed. She felt the urge to commend him for keeping himslef from lashing out, as the aura suggested he was well inclined in doing. She went to the window just to humor the pathetic effort and just as predicted, as soon as she had her back turned, the intruder jumped out of his hiding place and lunged at her.
She stopped her attacker with a wave of her hand. Lav 's body trembled in midair, angrily lashing out at her but couldn't reach. Oh how she loved that expression, desperate and full of passion for some form of retribution so she let herself laugh.
"Bring him back," he muttered lowly as if he had any control over what was happening.
Humans. Just when she thought she had found the most intelligent of them, this boy started acting like the rest of them. How could he throw his life away like this? Surely, he did not doubt the power of magic now? Did he really hope to win against her?
She shook her head and looked at him with mocking eyes, this pathetic human. "Or what?" she smirked.
"Or I will knock you back to ashes," he replied and brought out a small bottle with deep red liquid inside. "Your mother gives her regards."
Her eyes widened and almost let the bastard go. Almost. "That's..."
"Her blood and technically yours too," Lavi said as a matter of factly. "I didn't really understand her explanation but I did get the part about familial ties being able to bind the undead the strongest through blood."
"You insolent little brat!" she spat and tightened the air surrounding the doctor.
Pain was written all over his face as the air around him thinned. She never had the need to breathe but it must be wonderfully painful if he was turning a nice shade of blue. Instead of backing down however, he raised his hand and choked out, "Bring...him... back or... I spill this."
She sent him flying and he almost went through the window. His back hit the wall flat with sickening crunch and he fell to floor on his chest. He winced in pain as he tried to pick himself up. She found it surprising that the small bottle was still in those threatening hands as he gazed up at her in a challenging manner.
"Such strong will for so frail a body," she said softly and sat on the floor in front of him. "A tempting soul."
"Bring him... back... or-"
"It is true that if you spill that blood, this body will be broken," she cut in, "and it's a pity because I've spent so much time in here."
The laughter was bubbling up behind her throat. She had to contain it, she told herself. Spark him some hope and then...
"But you and that woman have it all wrong," she said and the young man looked confused. "If it was Alice in here she would have passed on but with me, it is impossible. I'm stuck here for good, you see..."
She gingerly stooped down and ran her fingers along his arm before enclosing the hand holding the bottle with her own. He winced at the proximity of her bloody face with his and that made her smile even fouler.
"Who are... you?" he asked trying to mask fear.
"Me and the spirit, we're one and the same," she answered and tightend her hand on his, "and when this body breaks, I merely need to transfer to another nearby."
She smiled grimly at him before crushing the glass bottle with his hands.
Author's Note:
I think a lot of people cringed at the last chapter's rape scene so I thought I'd give you guys a break and wrote nothing explicit. To tell you you the truth, I haven't even reread that part of chapter 11 which I usually do when I write the next updates. It was necessary though...
So anyway, this story will be wrapping up soon I think though I can't say for sure. In my head, my story is making sense but I am not sure if it translates well in words so please let me know. I'm really sorry for taking so long to update and coming up with something so short. Your reviews keep me writing so please do keep them coming. I think I haven't replied to last few reviews I got... so so sorry about that! I shall reply soon.
