The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya
Chapter 10b: And Mr Whitley's a...
...Crack-head!
I woke up to the sound of The Who screaming, and I faintly heard the sound of a hovercraft pass my house. Something tells me a guy named Dr Breen was inside it.
What the hell happened? I mean, hovercrafts don't just randomly drive down the street, do they? As if by magic, Haruhi had appeared on the floor of my bedroom. She woke up, and said, "Goo goo g'joob. Zip zap zub a da bop!"
"Haruhi, I'm not going to ask why you're in my room, but this is no time to be referencing Cosby! The Who screamed and some guy named Dr Breen is driving a hovercraft down my street."
"So? This is normal." Oh crap... the divine beings have screwed with this world again... so why am I immune to it? Why do I notice these changes instead of thinking it's the norm?
"Haruhi, I'm going to catch a train..." I said... I wanted to get out of here.
"Oh, don't worry, I'll catch one for you." Haruhi replied, and she pulled a giant fishing net from hammerspace. She then ran out of my house, and I observed from the window. She put on a disguise that made her look like a fat guy in a black suit, and then a blue-coloured steam train with a face approached her gingerly. Then she swiped her net and caught the thing.
I'm sorry, but WHAT THE HELL, Duwee Davis? Crack?
Then, as if the narrator guy who apparently now exists could here my voice, some disembodied narrator said, "Yes! Crack! Crack! Crack away... with easy cracker!"
My god I hate this ending...
But to make things worse, Billy Mays was at my door. "Hi, Billy Mays here for the waterproof potatoes. Have you ever had trouble dish-washing your potatoes? Not any more. These genetically modified potatoes are osmotically inactive, so they never swell or become uncookable when dish-washed."
"No, I don't need waterproof potatoes at the moment." I said while trying to push him away from my house.
"YOU DO NEED WATERPROOF POTATOES!" he shouted back, but then got hit over the head by Haruhi's catch of the day.
"Damn Billy Mays... they're getting more and more common these days..." Haruhi said as if she hadn't just killed a salesperson with a sentient steam train.
Then I got a call from Koizumi. I answered it, and Koizumi answered, "Nice of the Haruhi to invite us over for a picnic, Gay Kyon?"
If anyone's gay, it's you, Koizumi. Oh, what the hell, I'll finish the reference.
"I hope she made lotsa spaghetti." I nonchalantly replied and hung up.
"Hey, Kyon! You shall get no spaghetti! I'm not making the picnic!" Haruhi angrily told me.
"Then who is?" I asked as if I knew what the hell anyone was talking about.
"That would be your mother!" she said, and gave me some photos showing a masked guy doing it with some woman who was not my mother.
"Indeed. And now, he's here to *beep* us!" Haruhi continued, actually making a beeping noise when she swore, "So listen up, boy!"
"No!" I shouted, and ran out of my house from the driveway. I then sprinted over to Nagato's house... if anyone's sane... she'll be... right?
"Nagato! Nagato!" I shouted over the intercom in her apartment block, "What the hell is going on?"
A somewhat manly voice replied back, "THIS. IS. CRACK!" and then Nagato appeared in front of me, and kicked me. Surprisingly, a hole had appeared behind me, so I was now falling to my death. There was several other beings falling too, like a guy with an orange gown and a chalice, who was saying 'Mah boi' over and over.
This is the worst alternate ending known to man. This best be a parody, or else I'm not taking part in the sequel...
Can I sing a song for you?
Nazonazo, mitai ni
Chikyuugo wo tokiakashitara
Minna de dokemade mo ikerune.
Jikan no hate made BOOOOON!
WARP de LOOP no kono omoi wa
Nanimo kamo wo makikonda souzou de...
A-so-bo-u!
Aru, Hareta, hi no koto
Mahou ijou no yukai ga
Kagariniku, furisosogu
Fukanou ja naiwa.
Ashita, mata, au toki
Warainagara HUMMING-u
Ureshisa wo atsumeyou
Kantan nandayo konnano.
Oikakatene.
Tsukamaete mite.
Ookina yume, yume
Suki desho?
(Musical ending, epic win)
Author's note: Surprisingly, I wasn't actually on drugs when I wrote this... crack is hilarious to write... seriously I just randomly referenced stuff and made nonsensical things occur, and boom! Crack!
