Chapter 11

The drive back to the flat passed in absolute silence. It was no more than five minutes but it felt as though it took forever. Neither Gene nor Alex spoke; Gene was too scared to ask anything and Alex was too scared to tell. The first words spoken were as they pulled up outside and Gene tried to help Alex up the stairs.

"I'm fine to walk, Gene," she said but her head was still spinning and as she weaved a little she proved herself wrong.

"Stop being a bloody trooper and listen to yer better half for once."

"My better half?" Alex mumbled, "is that my legs or my chest?"

"Now you're even sounding like me," said Gene as he steadied her.

Alex felt like a bit of a fool as Gene hustled her into the bedroom and insisted she lay down but the more she complained the more anxious Gene became so she gave up protesting and allowed him to put her to bed. He sat beside her and looked at her seriously.

"Well?"

Alex sighed.

"I feel like I'm in hospital," she grumbled, "brought me some flowers?"

"I'm serious, Bolly," Gene wasn't in the mood for jokes. His stare cut her off before she could try to make another one. "So, what did they say?"

Alex frowned.

"Who?"

"Yer doctors," said Gene, "the ones round yer bed in two thousand and bollocks."

Alex drew in her breath. She wished she'd been able to make sense of it herself.

"I didn't understand much of it, Gene" she said quietly, "it sounds like there's some…" she swallowed, "complication."

Gene swallowed as he stared.

"So you did hear them," he said as a statement rather than a question.

Alex looked down. Her chest felt heavy as she tried to breathe. She couldn't look him in the eye.

"They said there had been new scans," she whispered eventually, "they found something… damage… " she looked down, "it's not sounding good for me out there."

Gene felt his lips turn very dry suddenly.

"Then," he began hoarsely, "if your body is thinking of taking a detour six feet under out there then why are you flaking out all over the place? Enjoying the pattern on the carpet?"

Alex shook her head slowly. She breathed in deeply and swallowed.

"I think I know why," she said quietly.

"Then for god's sake woman, are you going to tell me or am I going to die of anxiety?"

Alex closed her eyes.

"I feel so stupid," she whispered, "I should have known, I mean, well… I should have guessed… I should have realised sooner, but it's not like it was before, so I didn't…"

"You're jabbering," Gene warned.

"Sorry." Alex looked him in the eye, but had to look away again. "When it happened to Kim I thought, how on earth couldn't she even know…"

"Stringer?" Gene frowned, "what's she got to do with this?"

"Nothing… not really…"

Gene looked a little alarm.

"She made you get something pierced, didn't she?" he said in alarm.

"What? No!" cried Alex

"You got yer arse pierced and it's gone septic!"

"Gene, no!" she cried, "don't you think you would have noticed by now?"

Gene sighed and looked Alex in the eye.

"Well what then?" he asked. He mentally tried to go through the list of stupid things that Kim had done in the past. "Don't think you've been tangoing in the bedroom with Jimbo… you've not been playing truth or dare with Shoebury… haven't seen you raiding me scotch…" He watched Alex shaking her head slowly.

"It's a a bit more serious than that," she said quietly.

Gene stared at her. The words didn't seem to want to come. He swallowed as he looked at Alex's pale face and slowly it dawned upon him. The realisation came to him like a physical sensation over his shoulders that filtered through his whole body until he stared at her with a look of absolute shock across his face. "Shit, you're not –" he swallowed as she looked up and her scared eyes met his. "You are, aren't you?"

Alex hesitated.

"I don't know yet," she said quietly, "I haven't tested. I only realised yesterday. Well, I only let myself realise yesterday."

"Shit," Gene repeated, he put his hand to his face as his mind raced. "How long?" he asked.

Alex gave a little shrug.

"I've been all over the place the last year or so," She said quietly, "a month… two?" she looked away, "three?"

"Three months?" Gene cried.

"Gene, my periods –"

"We don't mention that word," Gene flushed.

"- haven't been regular, I've no idea when it would have happened." She looked at him. "And let's face it, we've had plenty of opportunities."

Gene caught her eye, A sense of guilt came over him.

"Shit," he breathed.

"We've not exactly been careful lately," Alex said quietly.

Gen breathed in and out.

"No, we haven't," he said quietly.

"And we never talked about it," Alex bit her lip, "we never spoke about why we were giving up with the condoms."

Gene looked away.

"No, we didn't," he said a little tautly.

Alex felt her breath become a little staggered. She couldn't read his expression for once. Was he angry with her? Did he think she'd done this on purpose? God, she hoped not. She truly hadn't. While she'd had occasional pangs of regret about never discussing having children she'd never seriously considered it as an option. It just wouldn't have been wise in their position.

"Gene?" she said quietly, "talk to me?"

Gene rubbed his chin. He didn't want to look at her for a moment. He didn't want her to see the guilty look on his face. It took him a few moments to gather himself and take a deep breath, then he turned to her and said,

"Sorry."

A frown descended upon her face.

"What are you sorry for?" she asked.

Gene looked away as he realised what had been behind the abandoning of the condoms, from his side at least. Just as Alex had been denying her signs so he'd been denying something his male pride and testosterone had been leading him into.

His mind went back to the new year, to the day that Alex had told him how troubled she'd been by the fear that she could have been pregnant after the 'other' her went for a joyride on 'little Jimbo'. Her trauma and anguish at the thought of it had affected Gene deeply but even more than that was that nagging feeling of competition against bloody Keats. He realised, with some embarrassment, that he'd started to feel inadequate in the crown jewels department. Keats had already succeeded in knocking up poor Kim. And ten years of safe sex were all well and good but there had been an occasional slip up or a drunken night where the johnnies were out of reach or an accidental 'spillage,' and - nothing.

Hidden worries about firing blanks and not being a real man had come to the surface and been gnawing at Gene. Not that he had voiced them, or even acknowledged them to himself. While initially leaving out the protection had been a way to show Alex that he thought no less of her for what the 'other' her did with Keats, the decision not to resume using condoms had been, at least in part, caused by a stupid hidden machoness that had taken away his common sense and given him an overriding compulsion to – not to put too fine a point on it – sow his wild oats.

"Shit."

"You've said that a lot," Alex pointed out anxiously, "many more tomes and you're going to turn into Simon." She paused, "you never said what you were sorry for."

Gene looked at her. He wondered how long he'd been silent for before that last expletive. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Didn't exactly ask yer permission to go in… unattended," he said.

"I wasn't exactly rushing to reach for the condoms," Alex said a little guiltily. Her increased libido and the sense of freedom and release she felt from making the decision to stay had made her feel liberated in other ways too and she'd thrown caution to the wind.

Gene looked at her worriedly. His face was grave.

"You sure you're meant to get this ill?" he asked.

Alex shrugged a little.

"I didn't with Molly," she said quietly, "but I was a lot younger then." She looked away. "Thought I was too old to be honest." She looked back at him. "Maybe it's not that? Maybe I'm…" she looked embarrassed, "heading to the change."

Gene wasn't sure what to say.

"You say you've not tested yet?"

Alex shook her head.

"Not yet."

Gene rubbed his head.

"Christ," he mumbled, "well that's the first step. Get pissing."

"Helps if you have a test to piss on," said Alex. She rubbed her forehead. "Shit. I wish Kim was here."

Gene looked at her indignantly.

"Stringer?" he cried, "what d'you want her for?"

"She was just really kind and calming when I had my scare after christmas," Alex said quietly.

"Listen, I don't need Metal Mickey to help me buy me own fiancée a bloody stick to pee on," said Gene.

"I never said you did!" said Alex, but the thought of Gene skulking around the family planning counter in Boots did amuse her in a funny kind of way.

"Right," Gene stood up, "I'll get you a bloody test. Go and fill yer bladder, drink four cups of tea or something."

"Maybe I should just go and get one myself," Alex sighed, starting to get out of bed but Gene held her back.

"You're going nowhere while you still look half bloody transparent," he said.

"I think it's better I just get it myself," Alex sighed tiredly, "you'll probably get flustered and come back with six tubes of toothpaste."

"I may stink of manly toughness," he began, "but I can walk into a chemist and buy yer a stick without losing the plot you know." He could see Alex still wasn't sure but the gauntlet had been thrown. "Stay there and rest yer ovaries or wherever the thing is," he said, turning a slightly unusual shade of red, "One thing to piss on coming right up."

As Gene left before Alex could cast aspersions on his pregnancy test buying skills again he found himself with his head against the wall, cursing himself for the carelessness they'd both suddenly succumbed to. If this was pregnancy then it certainly wasn't agreeing with her. He'd never seen her looking more unwell. He felt guilty and anxious and wanted to know one way or the other.

But as he started to walk again and trudged down the street, he adjusted his tie and gave the slightest hint of a smug smile.

"I might be a careless prat," he said out loud, "but at least I've got bloody good swimmers."