Disclaimer: Works by Dumas is in the public domain.
Is the orphanage going to be saved? How is the war going? The cardinal takes over the column due to unforeseen circumstances.
Le Canard
Issue 12
Parisian Orphanage to Stay Open
The Parisian Charitable Home for Foundlings will stay open due to overwhelming support from the royal court. The gala dinner thrown by Her Majesty successfully raised enough funds for not only the purchase of the land on which the orphanage stands to from the Church but also feed and clothe the occupants for the next two years. Even the cardinal was taken aback by the response, which included generous grants from the Italian, Spanish embassies and the Duchies of Lorraine and Alsace.
"Of course we want the orphanage to stay open. Where else could we put our bastard offspring?" a courtier explained. "They do say that abortion and infanticide are sins, unless the church is making an exception for us, I do not see why we would want the orphanage closed down."
Her Majesty held herself well despite the absence of His Majesty. His Majesty is currently at La Rochelle, leading his men. Her Majesty was modestly but stylishly garbed in a bright blue gown with a high lace collar. She donated a generous sum of fifty livres along with a promise of hiring the older and more able-bodied orphans to serve in the court as attendants. She vehemently denies that she will be buying the dwarf-children from the orphanage for use as hunting hound training aids.
"We have made the acquaintance of two lovely and witty youngsters at the orphanage, Tom Thumb and Thumbelina. We are considering offering them the posts of court jesters. Unlike some persons, we do not throw dwarfs to our mastiffs."
Dwarf-Tossing Complaint Lodged, Tavern under Investigation
The Stag Tavern is currently under investigation for an incident of dwarf abuse after Musketeer Sir Albert was tossed onto a rack of antlers during a sending-off party for the Musketeers leaving for the front. The dwarf musketeer's plight went unnoticed by his comrades until the next morning when he was pried off the stag's head by a Good Samaritan. Sir Albert has since regained consciousness and is recovering from his injuries in the Hospital de Paris. The musketeer alleged that he was set upon by a dozen of the cardinal's men in the back alley answering the call of nature and that the incident has nothing to do with his musketeer friends or the tavern. He also insisted that he was not a victim of dwarf abuse as he is no dwarf, only vertically-challenged. The Stag will remain closed until further notice.
City Authorities Announce Crackdown on Crime, Raid on Hotel
Paris – City authorities have announced a crackdown on crime in the city, starting with raids on establishments of dubious repute. Authorities deny that this is the latest move in the cardinal's plan to modernise the city by grabbing and demolishing older buildings. Popular establishments recently targeted include the Stag Tavern, Madame Fanny's and Hotel Rogue. The owners of the aforementioned buildings have been embroiled in disputes with the city with regards to licensing fees and property tax payments. Madame Fanny is protesting the move by the city to close her brothel and calls on all her clients to continue supporting her business instead of seeking out some pox-ridden streetwalker.
The most recent raid was carried out Friday night on Hotel Rogue. The cardinal's men arrested several guests and staff engaged in illicit activities. A surprising haul was the Comte de Rochefort, captain of the Cardinal's Guard. The Comte was arrested for indecent acts involving three young women, one of whom was revealed to be a minor. The names of the ladies will not be released to the public by order of their highly-ranked families. The Comte protests his innocence in the matter.
"I thought she was an adult with those breasts and hips. How the heck would I have known she was only fifteen? Her sister neglected to inform me. And I've told that moron Jurssac to carry out the raid on Saturday night, not Friday!" Rochefort was quoted as saying as he was hauled off to the goal butt-naked. The newspaper understands that the husband of one of the females involved has demanded the satisfaction of a duel. The request has been denied by His Eminence on the grounds of illegality.
Stalemate at La Rochelle – Possible Peace Talks
After a week of stalemate thanks to storms and other poor weather, His Majesty and the Duke of Wellington are seeking a possible resolution to the La Rochelle problem via peace talks. The expected reinforcements from Spain were unable to arrive in time due to bad weather and the English were kept on their ships thanks to the spirited defence of French soil by the Musketeers. In particular, four French gentlemen have already been recommended for honours, albeit under dubious circumstances.
Musketeers Porthos and Athos were credited with the capture of an English naval captain when they rowed out under the cover of night into the English fleet and grabbed the prisoner despite being outarmed and outmanned. The pair were disappointed that they had failed to land an admiral. We understood that the pair had been bored in their trench and sought to cure their boredom with a fishing expedition. Their commanding officer Captain de Treville has waived punishment for their illicit expedition in light of their achievement.
Musketeer Aramis and a trainee musketeer known as D'Artagnan were credited with the capture of a pair of English spies who had somehow sneaked behind French lines. "I thought things were fishy when he didn't cross himself like a good Catholic when I was leading prayers, so I brained him with a Bible," Aramis explained. When the other spy tried to stab Aramis, he was set upon and wrestled into the mud by D'Artagnan. The spies were stripped to their underwear before being marched through the camp to the Captain's tent for questioning.
Advice Column – Ask the Cardinal
The only reason I am forced into the most undignified position of answering mundane requests for aid instead of attending to greater national and spiritual matters is because the imbecile who was to answer your letters was caught in the middle of some orgy in a seedy hotel room with some little girl. I'm letting the idiot stew in the dungeons for now. Perhaps I will see him after Mimi's grooming appointment.
Dear Comte
My big sister is meeting loads of handsome gents and having fun. She was with some musketeer, now she's with some Captain. I just came home from the convent after finishing my studies and I want to have fun like my sis. How can I convince my sister to take me along the next time she meets a man? I am a grown woman too.
- Not a Little Girl
Mon Petite Fille
Sadly, based on the contents of your letter, I have reached the conclusion that you are better suited to life within a convent. Your sister is a slut and a poor example who might be at home in an establishment like Madame Fanny's.
My condolences to your parents, Cardinal R.
Dear Comte
My men are fools, in particular those three Inseparables! They broke every single protocol, rule and procedure… yet somehow they get the job done, after giving me a near heart attack. I am not as young as I used to be. I can't take the stress! They are lucky His Majesty is so lenient and generous with them. One fine day those morons will overstep their boundaries and their luck will run out and it's the Bastille for them or worse! What's worse is that they are setting a bad example for the son of a close friend of mine and I fear for the lad's safety. The latest incident had him wrestling an armed man twice his size when he ought to be in bed recovering from being thrown off and kicked in the head by his horse the day before.
- Frustrated Captain
Dear Captain
I can understand your pain. My best subordinate is a lack-wit who requires me to bail him out of trouble on occasion. Perhaps you can send the lad my way. He might still be salvageable. As for those three pain-in-the-necks, I recommend the hospitality of the Bastille's well-equipped torture chambers.
- Cardinal R.
Dear Whoever is running the column
I was arrested in a raid and hauled off on charges of indecency and corruption of a minor. I swear we didn't actually do anything yet. Well, we were naked and there was a bit of cuddling and tickling. Argh! I was just seeking out some female companionship. Now everyone thinks I am some cradle-snatching pervert. I am in a prison now and well, I fear for my safety as I was the guy who put most of the other chaps in here in the first place. Help me get out of this mess.
- Lonely Guy
Dear Lonely
You should have thought about that before hopping into bed with little girls. Sorry to hear you are sharing your cell with hardened scum who would like nothing better than to kill you slowly and painfully. Take it like a man. Well, at least you will be lonely no more with that august company.
- Cardinal R
Dear Comte
I am working as a powder boy at La Rochelle. When I signed up for this job, I had no idea how dangerous it was. There were twelve of us powder boys and now I am the only one left. The rest are scattered all over the sand with gulls pecking at their remains. I got into this for the food and shelter, not to be blown up as cannon fodder. I can't desert as that would be bad, wouldn't it? How can I stay alive to go home and see mama? I tried praying like Monsieur Aramis does but I never learnt my Latin proper. Does God take prayers in French?
- Little Soldier Boy
Dear Little Soldier
In all likelihood that by the time this newspaper reaches La Rochelle, you would have joined your fellows in eternity. As a cardinal of the Church I will pray for your sorry souls. And yes, God takes prayers in French, English and double Dutch, so long as you have paid your tithes to the Church.
- Cardinal R.
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Dearest Rene, I miss you so terribly. The bed feels so empty without you. Come back soon so that I may shower you with my love. – Duchess C.
Dearest D'Artagnan, I forgive you. Stay safe – Constance B.
Dear fellow musketeer Prothos, please return my sword to me. Methinks we both had too much to drink at the party. I have your letter-opener here and it made a lousy sword, as evidenced by the fact I am writing this from a hospital bed. – Sir Albert
Monsieur Athos, please settle your wine bill. You owe us for the last two months. – Pinot Vinters Fine Wines
Author's Notes:
How did the cardinal fare on the advice column? Rochefort simply couldn't catch a break, can he? At least Constance has forgiven D'Artagnan.
Historical fact - in medieval and early modern Europe, dwarfs were considered less than human and were often employed in noble households as court jesters if they were lucky.
