Alright, so I only have two reviewers right now, but they both responded so quickly to my new chapter! Thanks guys!
But I-Heart-Sesshoumaru13 said she NEEDED to find out what happens next, so I decided to keep her happy. :D
Here's an extra chapter, dedicated to I-Heart-Sesshoumaru13, who has so totally made my day on the last four stories I've put up!
Anywho, on with the show!
Disclaimer- What is a true smile, after all?
Chapter 12
Mattie was surprised when Ivan pulled back into the driveway by the time he'd finished his coffee. He hadn't actually started breakfast yet, but he didn't put things away, having no idea whatsoever what was happening. Ivan walked through the door with a giant box and glanced over with a frown. "I didn't know what you like, so I got one of everything, Da?"
"One of what everything?" He walked over and Ivan turned, putting the paper cup that was in his far hand into Mattie's hand and he could only laugh.
"You got one of everything from Tim Horton's?"
"Da! Come! Let's eat in the living room, Da?"
"Sure." Mattie shook his head, a smile creeping over his lip.
As they sat Ivan watched as Mattie relaxed, breathing out and sighing. "Now, if you don't want to talk it's fine, Da? But I would like to know about the hidden things around this house. The rooms, and the horrible pictures." Mattie looked up, his eyebrow quirked up and he looked down, sighing.
"I guess I owe you that much, you just spent a fortune on breakfast." Mattie put his food down, feeling his appetite slip away. "Originally there were only the images. I didn't do the sad ones at first, but after Arthur disappeared I guess I got angry. About a month later Francis forgot about me too. I was furious! I was just so pissed off! I drew Jean to remember that I wasn't the only one who could hurt. Every time I step into that study it reminds me that he's hurting too. I'm not the only one to be in pain, no matter how normally they may act. Francis is hurting too." Mattie started calming down after nearly yelling half way through. Ivan watched with an interested, but carefully affixed expression. He couldn't let his horror show. He couldn't let Mattie see how terrified he was. "Then came World War one, and Arthur just left. He completely forgot about me. It was always about Alfred. Everything was about Alfred. Just after the war, I asked him why he forgot about me. I asked him why he tossed me aside like that and he looked and me and simply asked me who I was." Mattie's shoulders fell. Even remembering, it was painful for him. "During World War Two, I worked so hard to get people to notice me. I fought so hard to make them see I was there, but no one ever did. No one remembered the man who was shot a hundred and sixty seven times and just kept fighting." Ivan's eyes widened, regardless of his care at the astounding number he'd stated. "I tried so hard to get them to see me again! I just wanted my family back! I just wanted them to see me again!" Mattie yelled out, tears finally starting in his eyes. "When the war was over, when we'd fought back and won, even then we lost. We made it all the way into Buchenwald and were able to take it over, but when we found the bodies, just a wall waiting to be burned, it was more than he could handle. At the time even I didn't know how to cope. It was terrible. I just stood there and stared as Al screamed. It's what most of us there did, either froze or fell." Mattie stared at his knees. His words at this point were little more than a whisper. "That's what's painted on the ceiling in the office. It's not Auschwitz, it's Buchenwald." Mattie said softly, his eyes shifting up to Ivan, who just stared. Neither of them really understood what the gaze meant. Mattie, now that he'd started, was oddly hopeful to just get it all off his chest. Ivan was just too shocked and horrified to respond anymore. "When the war was over and we'd made it back, I asked him if he wanted to get a drink with me. To try and catch up and stuff. He told me he was having some son and father time with Arthur and I told him I was Arthur's son too. He looked at me as if I were crazy. He didn't realize who I was. He'd been fighting beside me through the whole war, I was always out there fighting and he didn't realize who I was. He thought I was just another soldier. The work on the ceiling started two days later. The other one, on the wall, was Neuengamme. I started that one immediately after the first one. I just... I needed to remember their pain. I needed to remember that they had been hurt too, but after I'd finished the picture with Arthur the anger started to ebb away. I started to feel better. I was almost happy, then one day I walked into the library and I looked over and I saw that look on his face. It was like Arthur was right next to me and I was just... how could I draw that? How could I make such a horrible thing?" Mattie clenched his eyes. His hands on his knees balled into fists and Ivan watched. He hadn't seen the picture of Arthur.
He was almost too scared to now.
"The first room I'd built was the dungeon. It was where I went when I just wanted to get away, but I went in one day and just... forgot to come back out." Mattie didn't bother opening his eyes this time. "I didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't see any light for a week. I just sat in the chair or laid on the floor and cried. This was right after World War One, and I was just so pissed off all the time, and I didn't care what I was doing anymore. I just sat up there. I started waking up in the middle of the night, hearing scratching and I thought... something was trying to get me. Something was trying to get me and I was so scared!" Tears started down his cheeks. "I panicked! The knives I had on me I just started tearing at the walls, trying to figure out how to escape around it. How to get out without going through the door. I broke my arm and somehow had stabbed myself a lot, and I thought I was going to die. I just laid there and I broke inside. I just started laughing. I wanted to die. I wanted it to be over, but after I passed out I woke up downstairs, bandaged and healed. I still don't remember doing it."
"You didn't." Ivan stated flatly, subtle memories flashing across his mind. There had been scratch marks on the lower part of the outside of the door and Ivan knew instantly what had happened. "You're used to navigating the hallways in absolute darkness, so you didn't notice the scratches on the outside of the door, did you?"
Mattie's eyes shifted up, terrified. "Something really was trying to get to me?"
"Kumajirou. He was probably scared for you, and back then you would have had a telephone, so I'm willing to bet Francis called and Kumajirou took him to you. He was probably terrified by what he'd seen, so he hasn't mentioned it and has just hoped you'd recovered." Ivan stated and Mattie nodded, his bottom lip quivering. "If that's what happened, I'm happy. I'm happy you survived, and I'm happy you're doing better, but I don't think you're recovered completely." Ivan said, watching as Mattie nodded, agreeing. "You won't as long as you're in this house and have those memories." Ivan lost the control he had over his face. His eyes shifted to sorrow and fear, adoration and longing and Mattie looked down, his whole body trembling. "Maybe you should call Francis and ask him, Da? If it's true, we should both thank him." Ivan spoke and Mattie looked up, a little confusion slipping into his expression.
"Why do you need to thank him?"
"For saving you. You're the only friend I have. What would I be if I didn't spend the time since then with you? You know I'm lonely. I've chased everyone away. Even my family fears me, but you never minded. You'll just talk with me as if nothing else matters, and for the longest time that's meant everything to me, Matvey." Ivan watched as his words sunk into Mattie's head and he nodded, a sob breaking free. As soon as he heard it, Ivan reached down and lifted him, sitting Mattie on his lap and wrapped his arms around him, laying his head on the back of Mattie's while thin fingers wrapped tightly in his shirt.
"Thank you!" Mattie sobbed and Ivan realized what he'd done. He'd reminded him he wasn't always forgotten anymore. Someone remembered him. Someone acknowledged him, and for Mattie, that was terribly important.
"Thank you as well." Ivan nearly whispered, wrapped in the soft feeling of warmth that came from the man in his lap.
It wasn't too long after Mattie stood up and walked up to his room and Ivan waited for the outcome. Had he been right? He clenched his eyes and hoped. He actually really hoped that he was right this time. Mattie needed to hear someone had come to him, had reached out for him. He ended out chuckling at himself. How many times had he prayed that someone would reach out for him? How many times did he go to a meeting only to see if everyone was still scared, or if anyone had learned forgiveness? This was the first time in as long as he could remember that he really was hopeful for someone else's happiness without there being a hidden benefit for him.
Well, unless you counted Mattie's smile. Ivan felt the corner of his mouth lift. That bright smile he'd seen a few times on his face lit his heart, but Ivan froze. If he's been suffering like this, what are the chances that his smile was always fake? Had he ever actually seen him smile? Had he ever seen an honest grin on him, or were they all fake, what he figured he should do in that situation? Did he know Mattie at all?
No. He didn't, but Ivan smiled anyway. No better time than the present.
It was a few minutes til Mattie came down the stairs with a dazed look on his face. "Was I right?"
"No, not entirely. It was Arthur. He'd called me and Kumajirou told him I was sick, so he called Francis to come and take care of me, not knowing what was happening. Arthur called me." Mattie sat hard on the couch in shock and Ivan smiled.
"I'm glad for you." Ivan said watching as Mattie nodded, trying to hide more tears that wouldn't seem to stop coming to his eyes, but Ivan couldn't break his smile, knowing why they were happening. Mattie nodded, glancing up.
"I never would have known. Thank you so much!" Mattie cried and Ivan pulled him back onto his lap and just let him feel that he was there. He wanted the feeling of someone else's warmth to soak into him, to let him just get lost in it. Ivan was thrilled that he didn't move, he just sat there and rested his head on his chest. Though they chatted a bit, Ivan was happier the longer he didn't move, and was more than happy when he realized the man had been on his lap right from breakfast til lunch.
While Mattie poked at things in the kitchen, trying to decide what to make, Ivan slipped away for a moment. He needed to see. He had to find the other image in the office. He slid out of the doorway he'd come through the night before, glancing around for the markings when he realized he hadn't seen the eyes in the living room and frowned. How was he going to find it? He took a step back against the wall and slowly walked through, staring over the giant window. He figured it would be there, but he didn't see it so he walked over to the other side, looking above the door. He was only a quarter of the way across the room when the nicks started to show.
Bingo!
He walked slowly around, making sure he didn't miss it. He was still a quarter of the way across the walk when the marks came together. He shifted his head before the image really came into focus, but when it did he wished he hadn't seen it.
Arthur held a child's body in his arms, an eye hanging from the optic nerve down his arm. The bodies were lined up along the sides of the street and Ivan realized they'd gotten there just a bit too late. Everyone left had been executed. The thing that really struck Ivan wasn't the bodies, it wasn't the dead little girl, it was the look on Arthur's face. He looked so desperately lost, like he would never smile again. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, his lips curled into a silent scream as he sobbed.
Ivan looked away. He couldn't do it. He couldn't look at this horrible scene anymore. He raised his hand over his chest and made sure he still had a heart beat. He needed to make sure that the scene before him hadn't broken it to pieces.
It took him a few minutes to contain himself before he went back out through his room and down the stairs, taking off his shirt and just tossing it onto the dirty clothes, as if to give himself a reason to be gone into his room. He sat softly at the counter and watched as Mattie cooked.
His eyes shone. He was smiling, but it wasn't the normal smile he'd seen on him. It wasn't that casual, lip slightly curled facade that he was used to. His lip curled up slightly, but the corners of his lips pinched in, making his lip stand out slightly, showing off just a bit of the front teeth. His eyes didn't even look the same. The lazy, half lidded look now looked brighter, as if the smile he was showing pressed up, making his eyes open wider, taking in more of the world around him. Ivan couldn't do it.
He stood and walked over, wrapping his arms around the man, who turned, surprised to find Ivan's head pressed between his shoulder blades. Mattie just turned his head, confused for a moment before a slight sob was heard and Mattie froze. He lifted his hands, unsure of what was happening, but Mattie knew Ivan needed him and wrapped his arms over the hands that were nearly clenched to his chest. He started to try and turn and Ivan gripped him harder. "Don't look at me in such a pathetic state." Ivan whimpered and Mattie nodded. "I've never really met you, da? Just the plastic smile you've been using to cover up. I want to see you smile like this more often. I want you to be happy too, черт побери! You've tried so hard, and you have done so many things, you deserve to be happy, to smile like this more!" Ivan cried and Mattie let out a gentle smile. He turned and lifted Ivan's chin, looking him in the eyes. Ivan blushed at the closeness, but Mattie didn't seem to mind.
"I'm only able to smile like this because of you. I don't want to see you upset, either." Mattie spoke softly and Ivan nodded. "I don't want you to hide your pain, I want you to be happy, like you want me to be." Mattie nearly whispered, hugging Ivan softly as strong arms held tighter around his back.
"I'm happy I finally got to really see you smile." Ivan nearly mumbled out and Mattie grinned, an unfamiliar beat sounding off in his chest.
"Now if I could only get you to smile honestly for me as well." Mattie sighed, before running his hand over the soft hair of the head tucked under his chin so carefully.
Mattie heard the sizzle from behind him and sighed. "I need to turn back around. You can stay like that, though, if you want." He offered a final squeeze before turning around, honestly happy when Ivan's arms didn't move, his face pressing back against his back.
He felt so horribly content, knowing Ivan could be like this with him.
He couldn't break the smile from his face if he'd tried.
The rest of the day seemed to just slip by. Ivan was more normal after lunch, and Mattie couldn't stop smiling, but after the previous night neither really had the strength to do much. They just called out for a pizza for dinner, not bothering with cooking again and just sat, playing air hockey and making small talk, but even though nothing happened, no more hugs or caring words were shared, Mattie understood. He knew why things were going the way they were. He understood why nothing more than an air hockey game could make him laugh the way he was.
He'd fallen in love. It wasn't just a simple crush anymore, he loved the man who cared about him. Who paid attention and listened. Who was able to take something as simple as scratches on a door and make him realize people did pay attention, people did care. He loved the smiles, the tears, the chuckle that came from him. The fact that even though he was suffering as well, even though Ivan had suffered through such loneliness, he was still more worried about making sure that he was laughing instead.
Mattie decided that night, even if Ivan just wanted this, simple hugs, someone to be there, someone who understood, it didn't matter to him. Mattie wanted to be there. He wanted to see those smiles, that laughter and those bitter tears. Even if he couldn't kiss him, even if he'd never feel the passion he was sure Ivan had within him, he still wanted to stay. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was happy. Ivan needed to be as happy as he'd made him.
He would do anything to protect that smile.
Hope you enjoyed!
Hope to see you all back tomorrow for another chapter!
Later!
Jasmin
