READ THE A/N BEFORE YOU READ THE CHAPTER PLEASE!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of it…….I promise…well, I do own the plot….but that's it…sadly….
A/N: Ok, here it is. The chapter that I have been waiting to write since I started this story. In fact the paragraph of Ryan speaking was actually the first thing I ever wrote for it. Look, I usually don't pressure people to review my stories because my theory is is that if I deserve them then I'll get them, but this time I beg you, I you like my story please review for this chapter. It would make me happy beyond belief. I gave this chapter all I got and I really hope that it doesn't let you down. There is much angst to be found but of course I am sure that doesn't surprise. So here it is, and I really hope it is everything I've made it out to be.
As always:
Special Thanks to:
mordechaimalachai
Dark Angel Kira
Braids21
blazingfire03
death101
ANoRDaE
DarkPhoenix1987
oldincisions
Embry
pollypocket911
FallingWithGrace
Mondler4EvEr
MyFictionalAnnihilation
CSIslave
To all my beautiful angels that keep this story going. You don't know how much your reviews mean to me. Much love!
Danielle
WHEN YOU'VE GOT NOWHERE LEFT TO TURN
You're a beautiful
A beautiful fucked up man- Sarah McLachlan, Building a mystery
Ryan stood up from where he had been kneeling beside Troy and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He began to dial a number when Troy's strained voice cut him off.
"What are you doing?"
"What do you think, Troy? I'm calling for an ambulance." He was about to return to dialing when he felt Troy's hand grab onto his ankle.
"Don't" It wasn't a plea, for even though Troy's voice was soft, Ryan could tell that it was a command nevertheless.
"But Troy, look at you. You cant even stand for God sake."
As if in defiance to Ryan's statement, Troy slowly rose to a kneeling position, but as he tried to pull himself to his feet his knees gave out and Ryan had to bend down suddenly to catch him.
"God dammit Troy, I have to call." Ryan told him as Troy's head fell onto his shoulder out of exhaustion.
"No, please Ryan, just get me out of here."
"Troy-"
"I said no." Ryan didn't like this but against his better judgment he cautiously began to help Troy to his feet. "I can't go home, Ryan. I can't let my dad see me like this…..not yet."
"I'll take you to my house." Ryan said shortly as he, ignoring his own searing injuries, helped Troy into his car. During the drive home Troy seemed to pass in and out of consciousness. Ryan kept a watchful eye on him the entire time.
"Listen to me Troy, I didn't take you to the hospital, even though I should of, but you have to stay awake now." Ryan wasn't sure if Troy actually had a concussion, but he didn't want to take any chances. As Ryan pulled into his driveway he looked over at Troy and noticed that his eyes were closed. Ryan felt the panic rise in the pit of his stomach and he leaned over the seat and shook Troy by the shoulders.
Troy let out a small groan of protest and a grumbled "I'm awake dammit" and Ryan let out a sigh of relief. He stepped out of his car and went over to the other side to help Troy out as well. He found it difficult to get his front door open whilst supporting Troy at the same time.
Finally he managed to unlock the door . "Troy, I'm going to take you down to the basement. My parents will be home soon and they'd rather hire twenty maids than go down there." Getting Troy down the basement stairs proved to be a difficult task indeed. Ryan had to struggle not to drop Troy along the way and by the time they reached the bottom Ryan was gasping for air and his side was burning painfully.
"Troy, I'm going to have to put you down now." Ryan said in between gasps as he unwrapped Troy's arm from around his shoulders and sat him down on the cold, concrete floor. Troy's head fell back against the wall of the basement as he watched Ryan head over to a sink in the far corner and pull a rag from a cabinet, to wet under the cool water.
Ryan slowly approached him and knelt down until he was eye level with Troy. He reached out, with the damp cloth in his hand, and began to wipe away the blood from Troy's face. Troy winced slightly as Ryan cleaned his cut lips and bloodied nose. Ryan saw this and his frown deepened.
"Troy, I never meant for any of this to happen." He said in a quiet whisper as he continued to run the cloth lightly over Troy's bruised skin.
"I know." Troy assured him and that was when Ryan finally met his gaze. As Troy looked back into those eyes that seemed to pierce through every fiber of his being, that feeling began to take over. That feeling that Troy was finding harder and harder to control. No. He had to get out of here.
"Ryan, I should really be getting home." He said hurriedly as he tried to push past Ryan and stand, but as he did so he fell back painfully against the hard stone and he let out a small cry. "God dammit." He said under his breath. Ryan reached out to help him but Troy just pushed his hands away. Ryan fell back with a bewildered expression on his face, and it was that look, that look of absolute innocence and confusion that really seemed to infuriate Troy.
"Fuck Ryan, why are you doing this?"
"You're hurt Troy….."
"Forget about that Ryan! This isn't right. It's not supposed to be like this. My whole life is in shreds and you're the one to pick up the broken pieces? It shouldn't be you. It should be Gabriella, or Chad, or Zeke, or anybody, but never you, and yet, it always is. And that's what's fucked up. God, I can't escape you. You're like a drug that I never wanted in the first place and yet you wont leave, you wont get out of there." Troy beat his skinned palm against the side of his head as he said 'get out'. "How can you go on like this? Don't you see the way they look at you? The way they now look at me? Constantly judging. Constantly wondering what you are going to do next to fuck up the world. I can't stand it, Ryan. I can't stand feeling like this. Feeling like I have to see you when really that's the last thing that I need. "
Troy buried his head in his hands and Ryan had to strain to hear what he said next. "How do you do it, Ryan? Please tell me. God dammit, don't you ever want to just give up?….no, of course not, because you're so strong, Ryan. You're just so much stronger than me, and I hate you for that. In fact I've never hated something so much in my entire life, and yet…….and there always has to be an 'and yet' when it comes to you. I should just be able to say I hate you and be done with it, but I can't…Not with you…..because I hate you Ryan Evans, and yet….."
He didn't finish. He didn't have to finish. Troy's voice trailed off and he turned his gaze away from Ryan. Ryan threw the bloody rag that he had been holding to the floor and rose shakily to his feet, and when his voice fell from the confides of his lips it startled not only Troy but himself as well.
"What do you want me to do, Troy? Do you want me to sing you a song with fucking candy-coated lyrics about how the world is perfect and everything turns out the way it's supposed to? Is that what you want?…Well I wish I could give that to you. I wish I could give you everything you want and everything I know you deserve." A single tear slipped from the corner of Ryan's eye. He didn't move to brush it away and Troy wondered if he even noticed it at all. " I wish…I wish that I could tell you that everything would be alright. That you could wake up tomorrow and none of this would have happened. I wish I could give you back your world by taking me out of it, but most of all, I wish I could stop needing you this much. I was fine until that day in the bathroom. Yeah, life sucked but I didn't need someone to tell me to keep on going, and I need you to tell me that, Troy. Nothing seems worth it anymore unless you tell me that it is. And it hurts like hell to know that I'm hurting you because I can't stop needing you, but its all too much."
Ryan moved to place his hand on Troy's chest. Troy stiffened slightly but he did not pull away. Ryan could feel Troy's rapid heart beat pulsating against his fingertips. "This is too much, but no matter how much it always seems to be, it's never really enough, and I don't think that it ever will be. And yes, I want to give up. Everyday, I want to just throw it all away and just give up." The tears now flowed freely an unnoticed down his cheeks. "But then when I look into your eyes, I see……everything and nothing all at once. It all makes sense to me and yet I still have so many questions. Everything is so fucking perfect and at the same time it's all so wrong, and I feel like I'm standing on the edge and at any moment I could fall off and be lost forever, but that's ok……" From sheer exhaustion Ryan leaned his head against Troy's, and for a moment no words were spoken. For a moment there was no further need to explain. For a moment all they could see was each other. Sea green eyes against sky blue, and for a moment that was enough, but then Ryan's hoarse voice cut through the silence and it was so strained and yet so unbelievably beautiful. "But that's ok, because in the end all I want is to be lost in you."
There was a sharp intake of breath from Troy at Ryan's words and then Ryan reached out and brushed his fingertips against Troy's cheek before leaning in to place his lips upon Troy's, but just before their lips met Troy pushed him away.
"I can't"
Troy tried once again to get up but this time Ryan grabbed his wrists and held him in place. Ryan leaned in until his lips were brushing against Troy's ear and then he said the word that would be the end of Troy…..
"Please."
It was a simple plea in the most complicated of situations, and for the first time since he was five, the tears began to fall from Troy's eyes as well. "Please no Ryan, I can't. just let me go." Troy said in between strangled sobs. It hurt him to cry like that. As the sobs raked through his body he could feel the pain surge in his rib cage and he could feel the sting as his tears mixed into the cracks of his lips, but he didn't care. There was no more control. Ryan continued to hold onto him as his lips found Troy's forehead. "Please." he said for a second time. Troy's cries were now coming out in gasps as Ryan began to leave small kisses on his cheeks, and eyelids, and nose, leaving a burning trail of pleads along the way.
"God help me, I can't. I can't" Troy was absolutely shaking by now and his defenses were breaking down. However, there was one more thing left to say. One more thing that was needed. Ryan leaned in again. His blonde hair brushed against Troy's cheek and Troy had to suppress a shiver that ran along his spine as he felt Ryan's warm breath against his ear. Troy felt his heart stop as Ryan said those final words.
"Don't do this. Not to me…Not again." And Troy was lost as well. This time when Ryan's lips found Troy's they were met with no resistance.
There was no raw passion in the kiss. No grasps at clothing or muffled moans. Just two broken souls bringing comfort the only way they knew how. Their cracked and bruised lips brushed against each others in the most gentlest of ways, both afraid that if they pushed too hard the other might break into a million pieces. Their two worlds began to crumple right in front of their eyes until their was nothing left. No time. No space. Just them, and it was so beautiful, so fucking beautiful that the tears continued to fall from their closed eyes until all they could taste was bitter blood and the salty proof of the pain that they had endured. Of course it was wrong, and neither was sure that it would ever make sense, but that was ok because now they were drowning. Drowning in their pain. Drowning in the past, but most of all, drowning in each other.
