Tagline: It's not something to be denied; but it's something I won't say.

When was the last time you cared about your reputation? (I'm sorry it's incredibly late.) I will admit that I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do and I was actually excited to write it—I even had trigger words for it—but as I found myself typing away, my thoughts shifted and things began changing and now it's like a whole new idea has form and taken its place and this chain reaction is happening because of it and it's now blowing my mind. Because I was led astray from my original idea to this new one, it paved way to insert one of my favorite personal quotes (tagline) that just changed the entire definition of it. Ugh, I'm a mess as you can see; an emotional wreck, I'm sure you notice. Not in real life, but on fictions I'm quite miserable aren't I? Speaking of a mess, I actually started to focus on self-respect—don't ask me why—and the idea of how can someone have such a thing under such circumstances be allowed to have it, and I was talking to one of my friends about it and I said "why not?" of course she retorted by saying "Because you fucked up, you're not allowed to have self-respect." So with that in mind I naturally integrated it into this chapter and dragged it out in my own iconic ways of nothingness that eventually make sense. At least to me, because I like tackling subjects that don't make sense and try to find ways to justified it. Again, don't ask me why. If you are still reading this, you are beyond amazing and know that I love you from the bottom of my heart. And if I ever happened to teach you something within my fictions or at least shed some light into a subject you never thought about before, then I'll know this was all not in vain. I also hope you'll see why I decided to take this route and what the consequences of it can be afterwards. Oh the possibilities~ Everything is tied up, together if you looked closely. This fiction is anything but simple to write about, but you really need to be really fucking depress to write it. It's that emotionally exhausting, so again, I apologize for the delay, Enjoy reading!


When did being right became so Goddamn painful?

These are the thoughts of a very conflicted, dark-haired, girl running through dozens of people, trying to get to her target. Never mind those that wanted to offer some assistance at your pathetic display of emotions, you simply breeze through them for the sole purpose of not caring anymore about your reputation. For a moment you allowed yourself to believe that they won't understand you, that they simply can't help you. For the feelings of a young woman are anything but simple and worst yet, you can't simply allow yourself to speak.

Speak.

Mikasa had never valued the worth of speaking more than she does now. For speaking is of vital importance to get any message out. You can only go so far with just beingphysical, and that's what the root of all her problems.

But Mikasa didn't want to be right—she wanted to be wrong—she didn't want to believe that Annie was in fact, avoiding her, because if it she was, this was downright painful. Isn't that fair?Mikasa shook that thought away knowing that she deserved it. But she also knows what she deserves—to be liberatedfor you don't have to be right, as long as you're honest. And right now, that's all she wanted. Honesty.Mikasa just needed to wake up from this nightmare that she created for herself. And as soon as those thoughts came, one came crashing even faster. Closer to home. Stupid girl! It screamed at her as she came to a screeching halt crashing into one of her comrades getting the wind knocked out of her chest.

Knowledge was everything, and that was something Mikasa lacked severely upon the matter. There was no way Mikasa could have known that Annie didn't effortlessly waltz in last night to crash in her bed, having been stopped by Reiner and Bertholdt, who had questionable expressions on her poor demeanor. Had she known that, she would have known how Annie tossed them to the side as if they were nothing - because when you disregard those that care about you, you must have been in quite a shitty mood to actually act on it. And whose fault was it?Mikasa would have seen the chain reaction this would create between them.

Annie wasn't in the mess hall this morning. She was not in her usual spot. She was not anywhere near her usual suspects. Those that are always watching, perhaps? It's what Mikasa would use to identify them since she found it peculiar. The downfall was that she was so caught up in her own selfishness of needing her present to actually notice anything beyond that. Had Mikasa known that Annie hated being watched, she would have seen how this was not something personal against her, for Annie was just avoiding everyone around her. This was nothing new, but when you're feeling guilty, everything becomes personal.

Instead, Mikasa strongly believed that Annie hated her, and this was the reason why she wanted to run after her. To clear her conscious, to clear her name, and to really explain her reasons for doing what she did. What was the reason?If she was knowledgeable about all these things, she would have noticed that Bertholdt was never too far behind her. If so, then following Bertholdt was the best, secret way to finding out Annie's whereabouts and she would have done it long ago. Instead, she's reminded of one of her greatest flaws; what was that again? Oh yes.

STUPID GIRL.

It echoed in her ears loudly as she came crashing into Bertholdt, feeling a sharp pain as she tripped all over him, thus creating a scene for everyone to see. Her eyes were tightly shut through reflex upon impact, her right shoulder blade hitting him hard on the side with such force, both bodies hurled an impressive 10 feet through the air from where Bertholdt was originally standing to hit the ground harshly in a tightly tangled mass.

Any witnesses could testify that Mikasa had just injured his ribs, possibly even broke, based on the fierceness of her collision and the location of impact. Bertholdt's cries of agony did not help matters for her either. Mikasa's ears were now ringing, her body felt pain from a new source and was starting to tingle, her heart was still racing. There was absolute silence around them, the crowd more startled than anything else, and Mikasa was not one to speak up first. She was partially laying on his side, her knee scraped from dragging the ground after their landing. Both simply lay there, immobilized.

During the moments of shocked silence and catching her breath, unable to currently think about the pain shooting through her body, she feels frustration building inside, and dare she hope, asks herself this question now at all times: Is this even worth it?

Mikasa was floored, in more ways than she expected.

Annie.She thought with her eyes closed panting softly. You spent your morning chasing after her, you're running through the streets like a mad woman, and you dare question if she's worth it?

Stupid girl!It shouted back inside her. She forced her eyes shut. She was not sure where her pain was coming from at this point. The idea did bother her enough to let her focus on it.

But that's why it bothers you, is it not? Because you yourself aren't worth it, are you? Her voice mocked her for a minute. It was reassuring her at the obvious, just hoping for her to take the bait.

Pause.

This is not the time nor place to be questioning your self-worth.Quickly, it began knowing that it had taken her to a place she wasn't expecting. Focus on that when you explain yourself. Get up. Get on your feet. Focus Ackerman, focus.

She couldn't say anything to her inner voice, nor even argue. She couldn't even apologize to Bertholdt. She had not even cried out at the suddenness of running into him. Her goal at the time was that great of a focus that she managed to overlook someone as tall as Bertholdt in the middle of the street in plain daylight. With the wind recently knocked out of her, she was reduced to a panting mess, entirely shaken by the whole ordeal. New ordeal. She blinked, squeezing her eyes shut tight a few times, gasping for air before staring at the ground finally.

Once more, the ground was unmoving. It didn't sweep under her feet. And once again, it mocked her.

It never ends.

She groaned inwardly after reaching that conclusion.

But Mikasa was wrong. Again. Mikasa was so caught up with trying to see Annie that she failed to notice something important about herself: she had self-respect, and it allowed her to notice the harm she had caused her, and was willing to do something about it. Anything that would better yourself in morality must be self-respect.

She didn't care about her reputation when it came to others, she cared when it came to her. Self-respect lets you own up to your mistakes, it also lets you notice the harm and the hurt you have caused others. Mikasa was living and breathing it. She was the perfect example of it, as of late.

But there was one thing that she was certain about, she could very well damn her reputation if it meant getting in the way of her own happiness, that preservation was not an option.Mikasa didn't just want to wake up from this nightmare, she wanted to be happy. And how to achieve it was beyond her.

Be what it may, after saying your piece, you can't change anyone's mind in the end. If they end up thinking ill of you, they will. Nothing will change that. No matter how hard you try.

Mikasa hated her voice of reason at times like this. She may be stupid, but not enough to the point of arguing.

Because when you argue with facts, you never go anywhere. And right now you want to leave, you want to be happy. Pursue your own happiness.The thought alone actually started to weigh her down. It utterly hurt. To think that your simple thoughts cause you more pain than physical, was astonishing to her.

What was that again?She asked herself. Stupid girl. Yes.It was a nice reminder.

The silence between them was slowly broken as she hears Bertholdt groaning beneath her, trying to move, and suddenly the world was upon her again. As if that was the cue for the others to come closer and offer assistance.

"Are you alright?" They asked with great concern as they helped Mikasa get on her feet, making her place her arm over their shoulders. Only then did she realize how much her body was in pain. She clenched her teeth, biting down the pain coming from her leg—the other one this time—that broke her fall when she hit the ground with such force. It was now bleeding, her jeans ripped in place along her leg and she found it difficult to stand properly. She was grateful for the assistance, but she was now in no position to see her.

It truly never fucking ends.

Her shoulder was aching, her legs pulsating, and the more she saw Bertholdt struggling to stand up the worse she felt.

She glanced around and saw no signs of Annie, she was truly gone by now. Mikasa had been nowhere close to reaching her yet. Again. She really began to wonder if this was the right course for her. That maybe not missing him wasn't the worst thing that could happen to her, but rather catching it was because it may have killed him. Had Mikasa known about the truth about Bertholdt, she would have done humanity a great service. And Mikasa nearly did.

Knowledge was everything.

And she could have solved Annie's problem that way, but Bertholdt knock some sense into her as well, even if she was the forced behind it.

It stopped her.

Long enough to realize that she wasn't sure what she would say if she was within her presence. Mikasa was running on high emotions, running with her instincts, but her reason wasn't sound verbally. She wouldn't even know how to start any conversation, nor know what to say even if she had a voice. The whole thing was utterly frustrating that it greatly upset her feeling incredibly useless.

It's not something to be denied; but it's something I won't say.

Silence.

Feeling useless and having self-worth of respect in one isn't possible? Is it? Her eyes lowered, she felt all of those eyes of concern staring at her. Questionable looks, whispers of why she would run into him like that, allegations of it being an accident and not a brutal attack out of nowhere, the carelessness of it all and how bad both of their current conditions were meant that no one was to blame. Because at the end of the day, everyone wants to place blame on someone. Blaming is always easier than being held responsible for their own mess.Her eyes began to lower knowing she had no one to blame but herself.

Mikasa felt her heart aching once more, familiarizing herself with the same feeling from before. It wasn't enough that her body was in pain, she had to be emotionally compromised as well. She was genuinely upset, the void inside was growing, and she was trying her best to not tear up. She dropped her gaze, bowing under a sudden weight, feeling her chest tighten and her throat ache once more.

Everything just sucks. Doesn't it?

She didn't wish to agree, but her feelings made the decision for her as her vision became impaired. At least Mikasa was aware that she had an upper hand about crying, no one would think ill of her, she did just crash badly into a person, injuring each other badly enough that if she wanted to cry from any pain it was allowedat this point.

Her throat started aching, alarming her of what's to come. Don't. Don't do it. Hold it in. Don't create more of a bigger scene than it has to be.For the life of her, Mikasa really couldn't handle it anymore. There was only so much she could take. And now this. Her body betrayed her as tears came out, forcing her to sharply close her eyes and cover them up with her free hand. Away from everyone, for none to see fully.

Shame.

In a situation where embarrassment and shame are coincided, this was shame to her. For she didn't care about her reputation, she cared about the failure she had brought upon herself. And it overwhelmed her to the point of actually crying in public eyes.

"Mikasa?" Bertholdt mumbled as he tried his best to sit up with assistance from others. Mikasa knew she did a real number on him. She didn't need to see him to prove it. She knew that base on the impact she made with his ribcage. The height difference was the issue. When it came to brutality, she wasn't stupid. She knew what she had done.

Just how fast were you going? Did you want to see her that bad?She swallowed hard as she began to breathe faster still with her hand in place.

Just because you're trying to do the right thing doesn't warrant exception over your choices. You are still at fault and trying to make amends doesn't make it all go away.

"She's alright. We got her." She heard from the background, perhaps answering Bertholdt's comment. His voice was of relief, unlike her internal, raging one that was judgmental and harsh about everything. For a minute, she was thankful for his kindness and consideration, and that kindness manifested into more tears. She wasn't sure why she was crying at this point, but whatever the reason it wasn't stopping.

The need to cry. To wash away the shame. The pain. Everything.

Mikasa must have mustered all of her remaining strength to not burst out crying fully. If anything, she was having one of the worst painful types of cries imaginable. The silent ones.

Don't make the mistake of confusing anger with rudeness. Stop being selfish for once.She swallowed hard and took a step forward with the help of a trainee and rubbed her eyes, quickly placing her hand back down, and looked at Bertholdt who was also on his feet with a weary smiled. Confusion was written on his face.

It's not something to be denied—her thought quickly began and, just as quickly, stopped. A part of her was happy that it wasn't someone else. Grateful that it was a man at least to shoulder some of the blow that she delivered. She would never live it down if it was a female of a weaker, smaller structure. Her selfish needs could have easily killed someone.

She felt a sense of relief in knowing that things could have been much worse. She forced a small smile of understanding at him who smiled in returned.

—But it's something I won't say.She finished her thought with finality as she exhales, standing upright and bearing whatever pain her body will give her for making the effort. Can't say. She made a soft bow of her head to the trainee that was assisting her, alerting him that she was alright to be on her own. He too was also confused. She took a step forward, awkwardly and painfully enough towards Bertholdt.

Say what?

How much I need her.She quickly erases that thought and focuses on her current situation, full of determination to see it through.

Today is a horrible day. A horrible fucking day. She was now sorry for what she had done to Bertholdt, and she wishes she could apologize properly but the only thing she could do to make anything right was approach him. "Mikasa?" Bertholdt began, bewildered by what he was witnessing. Mikasa grabbed his arm and placed it over her shoulder. She wanted to carry him to the infirmary. It was perhaps laughable, especially with the obvious height difference, and incredibly selfish on her part to bear the weight of her fallen ally. But inside, Mikasa didn't wish to place blame on anyone. She wanted to confront her issues. She didn't want anyone carrying him and shouldering her own problems. Otherwise she would never save face when it comes to Annie.

Pride. That's what it was. Mikasa needed it. She knew that Bertholdt was one of Annie's friends. She had to make it right somewhere.

"Stop, you're both injured!"

She ignored that comment, among others, that were opposed, but she wanted to take full responsibility for her actions. Her selfish actions. She glares at Bertholdt, who remained quiet, since he knew he wasn't one to argue with her. He could understand where she was coming from, and no words were actually needed to get to that level of understanding. Training together, alongside one another, for a while now had its perks.

This was one of them.

"Mikasa!"

She quickly glanced up at the sound of her name coming from a distance and was shocked to see Eren running towards her alongside Jean at full speed. Her heart quickly dropped.

Damnit. It TRULY never ends.

While many would rejoice of the sight of the chevalier arriving to save the day, this was a fate much worse than Mikasa could precede. She was literally taken back by it.

For the last thing she wanted was to prove how much of a failure she can be to those closest to her.

Apparently your scene was so grand that he even noticed. Oh, that he noticed, but not the lack of scarf? Was I really running in circles to have come across them without even trying?She thinks as her temper starts to flare up.

I must have.

She quickly comes to that conclusion and moves on, knowing it was useless to think about. For she was defeated greatly this day, and she was in no position to run away. Her leg was injured, she was holding up Bertholdt, having him rest part of his weight on her, and feeling utterly trapped by her situation. She drops her gaze, quickly fighting the urge to cry again. Frustration. That's what this is. Desperation for wanting something so bad, but can't achieve it. She bites her lower lip feeling completely useless. She had wanted to prove that she wasn't, but that attempt was now obliterated by their presence.

Fuck this day.Was the only thing Mikasa could say to herself.


Final Note: I'll be lying if I said that I didn't agree with the way Mikasa was feeling at an end because really, fuck this day. But I needed to have him involved for obvious reasons. Wait, where you guys actually expecting her to actually reach Annie and tell her how much she loves her? Come on guys, that's not how RL works. That's some horrible cliché and I would be honestly disappointed in myself if I did that and made it look that easy. Do you not know me by now? Things happened for a reason, and eventually things will make sense. At least I keep telling myself that. I apologize for the angst, but apparently that's what FORCED is, just an orgy of angst and devastation. I, too, want happy chapters. But much like Mikasa, I'm trying to pursue the happiness of it. And that's never easy. The idea of having her crashed with someone wasn't done to purposely torture you guys, but because it usually happens; there is always an obstacle that prevents you from getting to where you want, that running through a town full of people it was bound to happen. However, running into Bertholdt was someone I wasn't expecting. I had someone else in mind. But picking him proved to be more logical.My decision to pick him actually came from the manga when Reiner accused him of always looking at her, believing that he may fancy her, (of course that is up to debate and fandoms) but I truly believe the reason he always was doing that was because Bertholdt sees Annie as this wild card and doesn't trust her at all that he is forever looking her way. The glance of insecurity per say. There is never a moment he looks at her with lust, but just with great concern of being edgy, yet again this is Bertholdt for fucks sakes, he's always sweating in the BG so this can be debated for eons on what that means. Now here's a fun thought, what would Annie do if she found out about that accident between Bertholdt and Mikasa? What a great misunderstanding that would be! Oh fun. P13 will be in the works. See you next chapter.