*** A/N: Hey everyone, thank you for you reviews and continued support!
ElementaryFan: I am not a counsellor or therapist, but thank you for the complement :) I'm glad you enjoyed the case, I was slightly unsure of it myself, I was not certain it would work! But it may not be over just yet ;)
Again, if there are any issues/problems/OOCness, please let me know :) Comments and criticisms are greatly appreciated.
- HQ21
Sherlock slowly looked up from the ultrasound picture and stared at Joan, who confidently met his stare. "I know this is scary, Sherlock. This is something which neither of us has any experience in, and was completely unexpected. But that does not mean that we cannot educate ourselves, and make ourselves aware of what to expect." She spoke softly but with a notable air of confidence, and Sherlock found himself drawn into her speech.
Sherlock nodded slowly, before running his finger alongside the smooth material of the ultrasound photograph, before placing his index fingers in the top corners of the picture, and tracing the border of the image. "I want you to know, Watson... I want to be very clear" he began, speaking in a calm and even tone, "that I intend on being with you every single step of the way. You are not alone, nor shall you be. Anything you need, anything you feel that our child needs, shall be yours. Theirs." His voice was kind and soft, causing Joan to smile at him without realising it.
"Thank you, Sherlock, that's..." she paused, unable to form words which were appropriate to convey her gratitude, before staring at him lovingly as he diverted his attention from her to the ultrasound photo, and back to her. "You can't imagine how wonderful that is to hear."
"Take your time" she stated quietly, tilting her head slightly to observe him, "it took my breath away at first too." He looked up at her and held her gaze, before nodding in agreement, and holding the ultrasound up in his hands.
"It's quite remarkable, Watson" he stated, his eyes transfixed on the image. "Quite remarkable." He stared at the picture for a few more minutes, before handing it carefully back to Watson, staring at it as she placed it in her purse.
"Sherlock, I-" she began, before once again stopping herself. He clearly wanted to be involved, which she was grateful for, but she did not want to make him feel as though she were making decisions for him. After a few seconds of uncertain silence, Sherlock shifted in his seat and leaned closer to Joan, staring up at her whilst he called her name gently, which drew her from her reverie. "I have a doctor's appointment next week. It's just routine, and I... I was wondering if you would like to come?" Sherlock leaned back in his seat, musing over the tentative way in which she posed the question.
"I would love to, Watson, thank you." He responded, genuine gratitude prevalent in his voice. He stared at the table immediately afterwards, as if fearing he had shown too much of his emotional side.
"Did you not think you would hear such words from me?" he asked gently, without remonstrance or annoyance in his voice.
"What? No, it's not that, it's just... I was worried that it would be too difficult, too much. Are you absolutely certain that you are alright with this?" She asked, fear present in her tone.
Sherlock moved his chair closer towards her, clasped his hands in his lap and faced her with confidence. "You're right, Watson. This is an unexpected situation, certainly not one which I ever considered myself being part of. But that does not mean that it is something I am averse to."
"That's not what I meant, Sherlock, I'm sorry, I just-" she paused, considering her words carefully. "You have a lot going on, personally and professionally, and I was afraid that... that you would feel overwhelmed." There was silence for a few moments, whilst both Sherlock and Joan considered the words which had just been spoken.
"I feel overwhelmed often, Watson. By my thoughts, my deductions, my work and my lifestyle." He paused for a moment, allowing her to take in her words. "But I never once felt overwhelmed by you. You brought to me a level of... of happiness and contentment which had otherwise alluded me completely."
"A baby is different." She stated simply, her mind not allowing her to accept his kind compliment. "Babies bring disruption and change to people's lives, which is often expected and welcomed. I... I don't know if we can... if we can ensure that the baby will be as welcomed and as happy in our world as we are in his or hers." Joan looked down at her clasped hands sadly, chewing on the side of her cheek before raising her head slowly.
Sherlock stared at her for a moment, considering her words. "Are you saying you do not wish to continue with the pregnancy, Watson?" he asked gently and tentatively. She looked up immediately, shaking her head.
"No, no that's not... that's not what I..." she paused, her sentence breaking off. She was becoming more distressed during this conversation, and Sherlock moved closer to her and placed his hand slowly upon her own.
"Watson, Watson it's alright, it's alright." He spoke quietly and gently, in a voice which roused her from her fear, and restored her confidence, just for a moment. "Please, Watson, tell me what it is you mean. It's alright, I assure you. It's alright."
"It's not alright, though, is it?" she asked, facing away from him as she tried to control her falling tears. "It isn't alright and it will not be alright." Sherlock kept his hand upon hers, and waited patiently for her to continue. He was nervous at her fear and agitation, and feelings of uncertainty and helplessness overcame him. "What if we..." she paused, breathing in sharply before continuing, "what if we can't make the baby happy? Secure? What if we mess this up?"
Sherlock waited for a few moments whilst Joan calmed herself, and he slowly removed his hand from hers, and reached across the table for the ultrasound picture, placing it on the table in front of her. She looked down at the image and her eyes widened slightly, before she closed them immediately in order to prevent herself from crying. The baby was beautiful, and she wanted to keep it more than anything, but she was concerned that their lifestyle and complex relationship would not provide the most stable upbringing for a child. She explained this slowly to Sherlock, who listened intently, nodding politely at intervals.
"I understand, Watson, I really do. There are certainly elements of what we do are who we are that we need to discuss. And we will, I assure you. But right now, after the day that you have had, we are not in the best position to have such a conversation." He paused, watching her as she shifted slightly in her seat. "Please understand, I do not wish to belittle or demean your concerns, which are very plausible and completely understandable. What I am suggesting is that we use the remainder of the evening to rest, to sleep, and we can approach this with clearer perspectives in the morning. You need to rest, Watson." He spoke gently and tentatively, watching her carefully as she processed his speech. Shortly afterwards, she nodded imperceptibly, and began to rise from the table. He rose with her and stood by her side, causing her to stop walking and turn to him.
"May I sit with you, Watson?" he asked cautiously, his eyes flashing with uncertainty.
Joan considered him for a moment, perplexed as to his request. She nodded slowly, before saying "sure", and they walked upstairs slowly, Joan leading Sherlock. She gently pushed her bedroom door open and walked towards her bed, running her right hand across the sheets, before slowly seating herself on the edge. She then began to remove her boots, kicking them aside, and she gently tapped the section of the bed next to her side. Sherlock approached her slowly, and by the time he reached the bed she had pushed herself back, and lay herself down gently, her head resting upon the soft pillows. Sherlock remained seated on the edge of the bed, turning his head slightly to watch her as she shifted slightly to the right. Joan then turned on her side, facing Sherlock, and watched him intently. "Would you come and lie next to me?" she asked, before leaning back against the pillows. Sherlock assented, and removed his own shoes before pushing himself upon the best, and moving slowly next to her. He was lying on his side to face her, and they stared at each other's bright eyes in the darkness of the room. Slowly, Sherlock drew the blankets over Joan, which she leaned into, murmuring in satisfaction as she did so. She sighed tiredly, placing one hand under her cheek and the other on the pillow, her gaze still fixed on Sherlock. A few moments later, Sherlock rose his hand slowly and gradually, before placing it upon her own, and moving closer to her. Her eyes shone, and she mumbled something tiredly, before closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep. Sherlock remained by her side all night, watching her sleeping for a few minutes, before immersing himself in deep thought.
As Sherlock watched Joan, he recalled the sudden shift in her conversation and demeanour a few minutes ago, and wondered what had caused such a shift. One moment they had been discussing things calmly and clearly, before something happened which altered her mood. He ran his mind over the conversation, remembering every word, every gesture and every look. Watson's behaviour began to change shortly after he had offered his unconditional help and support to her. But why? Did she doubt his sincerity? His ability? Or his capability? Sherlock considered each of these for a few minutes, before realisation dawned upon him. She thought that a baby would destabilise him and his lifestyle, and threaten his sobriety. Sherlock closed his eyes slowly, sighing gently at the realisation. Joan feared that the significant changes which infants caused in the homes of their parents would unsettle him enough to risk his sobriety and general well-being. He also knew that, based on her demeanour and responses to various questions and statements, that she wanted to keep their child. His eyes widened slowly. He could not imagine the internal torment she was battling, the invincible and completely selfless Joan Watson, who feared that the two people she loved the most would be unable to remain together. Sherlock watched her as she slept soundly, and was grateful that she was finally able to be at peace from her constant thoughts and fears. He closed his eyes slowly, not sleeping, but thinking. He had meant every word he had uttered earlier, about helping her and supporting her and their child. And he would start right now.
Joan woke from her deep sleep eight hours later, as light streamed through the windows and shone across her face. She immediately felt more awake and alert than she had done in several weeks, and sat up quickly, stretching her arms. She turned to her side and noticed that Sherlock was no longer lying next to her, but a small cough from the bottom of her bed informed her that he had not left her. She turned towards Sherlock, who was sitting in the chair at the foot of her bed, and smiled pleasantly. "Good morning" she mumbled tiredly, rubbing her eyes as she gathered the blankets around her. Sherlock nodded in response, clasping his hands together as he stood from the chair, and moved slowly to her side, before perching on the end of her bed.
"Watson, I... I appreciate that it is early, and that you have only just woken, but might I have a word?" His tone ensured that the remaining tiredness within her disappeared, and she stared at him with keen and alert eyes.
"Yes, yes of course, please." She stated amiably, watching him with interest.
"I have been considering what we discussed last night, particularly what you were afraid of" Joan shifted slightly on the bed, rolling the blanket in her hand anxiously. "I want to assure you, Watson, that my offer was sincere, and not ill-thought out. I have been considering some options, and have an idea, if you are feeling awake enough to listen? She nodded rapidly, and he continued to speak. "As you know, this brownstone has three floors. This is the top, the living area, kitchen and foyer are the middle, and then there are the rooms downstairs. Well, I... I have given this a lot of thought, Watson, and I... I believe that it would make a suitable... apartment, for you and our child." Joan stared at him curiously for a moment, her eyes narrowing as she moved to speak.
"Sherlock, what are you talking about?"
"What I mean is that I could have the entire bottom floor converted into a suitable apartment, if you would consent, of course, and were comfortable with the idea. The whole floor could be refurbished. There are six rooms down there, Watson. There could be two bedrooms, a nursery, a bathroom, kitchen and living area. The second bedroom would be for... for if you wished to hire anyone to assist us with the baby, whilst we worked, et cetera. That area would be free from cases and experiments and clients, and be dedicated solely to our child." He paused for a moment, turning to Joan to watch her reaction. She chewed on her cheek nervously, before parting her lips and beginning to speak.
"Sherlock, that is an incredibly kind offer. Really, it is. Thank you" she paused, and Sherlock watched her with care, knowing she was waiting to continue. "But a floor would not divide us from our lifestyles, or from the dangers associated with it."
"It could be sufficiently protected, Watson, I assure you. I could see to it personally." Sherlock responded immediately, but in a calm and reassuring tone. Joan considered this for a moment, before thanking him once more, and continuing to speak.
"Sherlock, would... would you like me to move out? Is that why you wanted a separate floor for-"
"No, no Watson, that was not my intention. I thought you would appreciate space, an area where you and our child could be away from-" he froze, unable to finish his sentence.
"From you?" Joan asked quietly, shifting in the bed and removing her blankets, before moving towards him. "No, Sherlock, that is not what I meant at all, I did not want to exclude you or be excluded from you, I just... I just don't want to intrude on you, on your life, on your work, and-"
"My dear Watson, I assure you, you are far from an imposition." They were now seated just inches apart, and she was kneeling by his side, her legs beneath her. "I was just trying to find a solution that would appease you, that would make you feel less conflicted and divided. Renovating the bottom floor of this building was not an attempt to remove you from the brownstone, but a demonstration of how it is possible for you to stay." He paused, watching her as she eyes him curiously. "I understand your fears, and your concerns, and I do not dismiss their validity or reality. But think of who we are, what we do, and what we have done. We can protect our child, Watson, of that I can assure you. There are security measures, protective individuals, and a multitude of other methods we can use to ensure that our child will be protected at all times. We face threats to our own lives on a regular basis, Watson, and we defeat them every time. We would be even more thorough and efficient with our own child." Joan watched him as he spoke, and admired his well thought-out plan and strategy. "I would tear this apartment to the ground if it would console you at all, Watson. I know you want to keep this child, and I believe that there are ways in which we can make that happen. I would be honoured if you stayed, Watson. Both of you."
"And what about you?" she asked, removing her legs from beneath her, and sitting cross-legged on the bed. "You're considering what is best for me and the baby, but what about you, and what you want? You matter too, Sherlock, just as much as we do."
"No, Watson, that is not true" he stated, rising from the bed, walking to the window and then pacing the room. "You and the baby are the priority, and I-"
"Sherlock, Sherlock listen to me" she spoke gently, placing her feet upon the ground as she rose from the bed and crossed the room to stand in front of him. "You can't put me above yourself, hold my needs above your own, we just-"
"But that is precisely what you have been doing, Watson, is it now? In fact, your concern for my well-being has pervaded every decision you have made since discovering your pregnancy." He spoke firmly but did not raise his voice. She watched him for a moment, before bowing her head slightly and then facing him once more.
"You're right. You're right, and we are both doing the same thing. It's sending us in circles, and it is not helping the baby at all." Joan ran her hand through her hair, and could feel the frustration rising inside her. "How can you be so sure that we can keep the baby safe?" She whispered breathlessly.
Sherlock took a step towards her and rested his hand upon her shoulder, before drawing her towards him gently with his other arm. "Because, dear Watson, the child will be in the company of the two people who care about them most in the world. And there is absolutely nothing we will not do to ensure their safety. I assure you, Watson, the child will be quite safe, and better protected than in any other household." Joan tensed slightly, and he moved back a few steps, clasping his hands in front of him. "If this is what you want, if you want the baby to remain with us, then we can make it happen. I would never suggest such a thing if the safety of yourself or our child would be put at risk. We have time to discuss this, time to think it through, to come up with a strategy which satisfies us both. Will you allow us that time?" he asked gently, tentatively. She nodded slowly, and he moved once more towards her, holding her tightly in his arms.
They remained standing like this for several minutes, until Joan tilted her head slowly away from his chest and began to speak. "What do you think about children, Sherlock?"
Sherlock opened his eyes slowly, and removed his chin from the top of her head as he stared down towards her. "What do you mean?"
"I mean... is this... do you want this? Would you be happy with a child in our lives?" She looked up at him, a concerned look upon her face.
Sherlock remained quiet for a moment, before placing a hand upon her cheek and stroking her soft skin. "The thought of our child fills me with a mixture of emotions, a confusion of thoughts. But they are not negative, Watson, I assure you. The thought of a child, of our child, amazes me. It amazes and astounds me, and seems to be almost beyond comprehension. It is truly incredible, and I would be honoured if I were able to take part in the life of such a remarkable human being."
"Remarkable." Joan repeated, smiling at Sherlock.
"My dear Watson, how could such a child be anything but?" She smiled once more, before nodding slowly and looking back towards him.
"Are you sure, Sherlock? Is there anything about the idea that frightens you, that makes you uncertain?" She paused for a moment, allowing him to think. "It's alright if there is, you know I'm not sure that I'd believe you if you appeared to be fearless. I'm certainly not." Sherlock cast her a concerned look, before staring at the ground for a moment, then looking up as he spoke.
"There is a lot that concerns me, a lot that I have to learn, to be taught. But do not for one moment allow yourself to even contemplate that that means that I do not wish this child to be here. I do, I really do." He was speaking more earnestly and sincerely than she had ever heard him, and she stared at him for a while, completely mesmerised.
Joan did not speak for a few moments, and she and Sherlock simply remained standing opposite each other, not touching, but staring at each other intently. It was Joan who broke the stillness of this remarkable scene. "It isn't always easy to talk about the things that we fear, especially when they are at the forefront of our minds. If you are afraid, Sherlock, if you have doubts or concerns, it is okay. Really. But it is important that we discuss them, okay? So when you're ready, when you're feeling able to, please talk to me." She spoke gently but imploringly, and Sherlock nodded mechanically at her request.
"And what else is there left to discuss, Watson?" he asked, taking a step closer to her. She felt her skin tingle, and her cheeks flush. She did not break his gaze throughout this remarkable sequel to the previous scene. "What else is there that we need to address?"
Joan was silent for several moments, before breaking the silence to speak. "As I said before, there are some things which are difficult to discuss, and are hard to explain. The time needs to be right before such things are addressed, for both parties." She paused, and Sherlock nodded, his eyes remaining on her face. "The baby needs to be the priority, Sherlock. We cannot risk anything which could draw our attention away from our child. Not until we can be absolutely certain that we can keep the baby safe." Sherlock nodded in agreement, taking a step backwards, light from the windows flooding the empty space between them.
