Aly stared up at the face of the incredibly massive Orc that towered over her, his teeth bared as he swayed back and forth, swinging his weapon dangerously close to her head. "I say GodDAMN, you are one ugly guy! Ever consider plastic surgery?"
"My. . . .PRECIOUSSSSS!" Boromir came out of nowhere and pounced on Aly, startling the Orcs.
"Holy mother of fuck!" Maggie yelled from the top of the hill. "Aragorn! Leggy! The Orcs are here! Do something!" Just as she said that 17 more Orcs appeared from behind trees, rocks and large shrubs.
Aragorn gave Maggie a quick nod, then jumped down the hill and began fighting the Orcs. Maggie had no choice but to follow suit. She grabbed Sam's pack, pulled out two forks, and dragged Sam down the hill with her.
One Orc immediately ran her way and began growling in her face. "Whew!" she said as she caught a whiff of the Orc's breath. "And I thought Frodo had ungodly bodily functions." She sank the forks into the Orc's kneecap, causing him to bellow in pain.
To Maggie's left, Legolas was trying to pull Boromir off of Aly. He succeeded, but then immediately fell backwards, Boromir falling on top of him. "Get the damn off me!" Legolas yelled.
"That's incorrect, Leggy!" Maggie yelled. "You have to use 'hell' or 'fuck' there, darling!"
Legolas sighed. "Well, then hell the damn off me!" Legolas jumped up and started shooting arrows left and right, looking incredibly manly as he did so.
The tall, incredibly massive Orc turned to his comrades and spoke. "Get the little ones!" Several Orcs followed him up the hill to where Frodo, Merry, and Pippin were milling about with their thumbs up their asses.
Legolas noticed that three Orcs were surrounding Aly. "Maggie, to the other faller of the sky! She has the One Ring! Run!"
Maggie raced toward her friend. "That wasn't very smart, Leggy! I think we probably should've withheld that information. Now all the Orcs know who has the One Ring!" Maggie lunged toward one Orc that was about wallop Aly, who was crouched in a ball near a patch of bushes. Instead of tackling the Orc, Maggie sailed right into the arms of another Orc.
"Ah, another little one!" he growled. He grabbed her by the hair and swung her swiftly into the nearest tree.
Maggie crumpled into a heap atthe foot of the tree. She let out a cry, then jumped to her feet, her eyes blazing. "Oh, now I'm mad."
Since the Orcs were pre-occupied with Maggie, Aly seized the moment to stand up, put the Ring safely into her purse, and threw her fists into the air. "Okay, that's it!" She delivered a nasty punch to one of the Orc's cheek.
He cried out in pain. "Jesus!" he snarled. "You don't hit like a girl. You hit like a man named Bubba!"
Maggie tapped the Orc on the shoulder, but before he could turn around, she delivered a blow between his legs, praying that he had reproductive organs. Apparently, they do because he dropped to his knees and began crying.
Maggie and Aly took a brief moment to slap hands and do a little touchdown end zone dance. Suddenly, two Orcs came out of nowhere and wrapped their massive arms around Maggie and Aly. The Orcs took off toward the dense part of the forest.
"Get the little ones! All of them!" the head Orc snarled. Frodo and Sam heard this and went dashing into the bushes, out of sight. Merry and Pippin were engaged in a game of leap frog, and were quickly hoisted away, the Orcs following after the ones that had Maggie and Aly.
"G-o-o-o-o-d Da-a-a-a-amit!" Aly sputtered as she and Maggie bounced up and down, their captors dodging bushes and trees. "What the hell are we gonna do now? This wasn't supposed to happen this way!"
"I know!" Maggie yelled back. She tried to speak some more, but got a little Orc hair caught in her throat and went into a gagging fit. She recovered after several seconds. "Are we the only ones they took? Have you seen the Hobb's?"
A piercing shriek caused Maggie and Aly to look to their left. They saw Pippin and Merry being carried by an Orc. Pippin was near tears. "I'm gonna, I'm gonna. . . .no, I did. I wet myself," he wailed.
"Cool it, Pipster," Maggie said. "You're all right. Don't worry. The boys will come after us."
* * *
Aragorn dropped to his knees, watching sadly as the last of the Orcs fled in terror. He threw his sword down beside him and ran a hand through his hair. Just then, Gimli came walking up, a pink fluffy bath towel wrapped around his naked body.
"Where the FUCK were you?" Aragorn shouted.
"I was bathing. What'd I miss?" Gimli said.
"Dwarf!" Legolas appeared, his face dirty and sweaty. "We could have died here and you were bathing?!"
Gimli shrugged his shoulders, and let out an "Ack!"
Legolas placed a hand on his shoulder. "But thanks for taking a bath. You really needed it, my smelly friend."
Frodo and Sam meekly stepped out of the bushes. "Are they gone?" Frodo asked.
"Yes, my Hobbit-ly comrade," Gimli answered.
"They took Pippin, Merry, and the fallers of the sky," Aragorn said.
Boromir jumped down from a tree branch, startling everyone. Instead of landing smoothly, though, he slipped on some leaves, and his head went crashing into a rock. "Oh! My head! I'm bleeding!" he said, no longer speaking in a Gollum-y voice.
Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas gathered around Boromir, who was writhing in pain. "They took the little ones," Boromir gasped.
"Stay still," Aragorn told him. "Legolas, help me keep him awake. He might have a concussion."
"Frodo! Where is Frodo?" Boromir hiccupped, tears beginning to run down his face.
"Uh, I'm right here, dude," Frodo said, stepping forward.
"I tried to take the Ring from him. I have failed you all," Boromir said dramatically.
"It's all over now, Aragorn. It's getting dark," Boromir whispered. "I would have followed you, my brother. My captain. My king."
Legolas sighed. "Boromir, you're not dying. You are just slightly concussed." Legolas tied a strip of cloth around the wound on Boromir's head, although the rock had barely broken the skin. "There? Does that feel better?"
Boromir sat up quickly. "Yes, yes it does."
Aragorn was no longer pretending to be strong. The tears slid one by one down his face. "It's all my fault. If I hadn't been so mean and yelled at them this morning, none of this would've ever happened. Now Aly has the One Ring, and they're all by themselves in this strange land."
Legolas crouched down and wrapped an arm around Aragorn. "There, there. Maggie and Aly are smarter than they look. They'll be all right."
Aragorn wiped his tears with one dirty sleeve. "You are right, Elf."
Gimli sat down on a rock, pulling his towel close to him. "The One Ring is lost. It has all been in vain."
Aragorn picked his sword back up. "Not if we hold true to each other, my stout, hairy friend. We will not abandon Merry, Pippin or the fallers of the sky to torment and death. Not while we have strength left." Aragorn raised his head high, regaining his confidence. He smiled wisely at Frodo and Sam. "Leave all that can be spared behind. We travel light. Let's hunt some Orc."
As Gimli dressed, and the others began lightening their packs, Sam noticed Frodo standing perfectly still, staring calmly at the dense forest beyond. Frodo's shoulders seemed to be shaking slightly as though he was crying.
Sam put down his pack and joined his friend. "What is it, Mr. Frodo?"
Frodo turned to look at Sam, his eyes full of tears. "I fear for Merry and Pippin."
Sam smiled slightly. "Miss Maggie and Miss Aly will look after them."
Frodo's bottom lip poked out a bit and he sniffled. "I don't suppose we'll ever see them naked again."
Sam rested a hand on Frodo's shoulder. "We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may."
THE END
*Maggie, Aly, and myself would like to take the time to thank our loyal readers for always reading and reviewing our little story. I hope that you all enjoyed it. As for a sequel (and you know there's going to be a sequel!) it may be a little while (a week or so) before we get started on that. So, please check back often for the new story (still untitled). Once again, thanks so much!*
