I lied again. I wanted to Update 'SmutFest' first, but with all the threats I've gotten, I could not let you gals wait with the next chapter :P
Hope it's what you expected!
I love all of you for the awesome reviews you're giving me. My ego's soon about to explode! :D Sorry if I don't reply to each and every one of you.
PS: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the Draft results, and my Candy-bunnies do, too!
Chapter-Title: Regret
Warning: Angst, Fluff, Slash
Same Night
Randy had tucked the little squirrel in about thirty minutes ago, reading her a good night story until she had fallen asleep. The afternoon and evening had been filled with an uncomfortable silence, not in the house, but in Cody's and his conversation. They had not talked a word since the very short argument in the kitchen, only ever communicated over gestures and mimics or even over Alana.
The little girl had sensed the change of mood in Cody immediately when he had returned from the kitchen, even had asked twice what was wrong with her 'uncle' but neither of the young man had told her the truth. Still not. Not about Cody's heartbreak, not about her dad's feelings, not about their relationship.
While Randy had prepared dinner, Cody had played with the sunshine and even though her giddiness had lightened him up for a while, he had not been able to completely push the dark thoughts of a possible wrong decision aside.
During dinner they had sat in complete silence once again until Al had had enough and demanded of them to be happy and smile. They had both obeyed her 'order' instantly but as soon as the last bite had been eaten, Randy had gone back to the impossible task of getting through to Cody while Cody had gone back to avoiding him.
Now that Alana was safely tucked in her own little bed, Randy was leaning against the door-frame of THEIR bedroom and watched his younger lover begrudgingly zap through TV channel after TV channel. He could not help but to smile at the antics of the younger man, the annoying ones as much as the funny ones. It was what made Cody the man he was; it was what made him love the young man so very much.
Snapping out of those thoughts, he sighed designating and scratched his head, seriously not knowing what to do or what to say. He had never been in such a situation before. Sure he had had fights, with Sam, with his friends, with his family. However, this here was different. He felt worse for what he had done and said than he had ever felt before. Not because it WAS worse, but because he had truly hurt Cody with his actions and his words. Something he had sworn he would never do.
Pushing himself away from the cold wood, he slowly moved towards the bed his lover was propped up on, seeing the younger man flinch as he caught the movement out of the corner of his eyes. Silently praying for a civil conversation and for Cody to give him a fair chance, Randy plopped down next to him, one leg at the edge of the bed, one leg crossed in front of him.
Cody's gaze flicked over to him for just a second, the cold, almost blank expression in his else so sparkling blues making Randy's heart ache even harder. Swallowing down the lump that had formed in his throat, he reached out to take the remote out of his lover's slender fingers, actually surprised when the younger man did not protest.
A pang of hope flashed across his features as he shut the TV off and placed the remote on the bedside-table before facing the younger man again who was still laying on his stomach, legs stretched out, elbows on the mattress, head in his hands and staring off into space.
Sighing deeply, he looked down at his lap for a few seconds trying to decide how to start this conversation.
"I'm sorry."
That would have to do it for a start. Chewing the insides of his cheeks, he looked up again to see if Cody had made any move so far but found him in exactly the same position as before, seemingly bored and distant.
"Codes, I really..."
"You're sorry. I've understood it the first time you said it and now, too. What I wonder is if you even know WHAT you are sorry for?"
The harshness in the younger mans voice made him inwardly flinch and he swallowed hard before shrugging.
"For not telling Al about us... for the guns... for hurting you?"
Though it was supposed to be an answer, it rather seemed like a question that was now left hanging in the air as both of them grew silent again. Sighing seemed like the only thing he was capable off as of late, that and to rake a hand through his short stubbles.
Finally, he caught a move out of the corner of his eyes and -looking up from his lap- realized that Cody had shifted into a sitting position, half facing him, half trying to avoid his gaze.
"You know how it made me feel that you did not even have the guts to tell your daughter?"
God, he hated it when people asked him questions he could only answer wrong. Questions that did not really request an answer. Rubbing his thigh to get rid of the sweat on his palm, he chewed his bottom-lip in and decided to stay silent, waiting for Cody to answer instead.
"It made me feel completely worthless. Unwanted. Out of place. As if I'm just your friend. Nothing more."
As Randy wanted to object, already opening his lips to speak up, eyes wide with surprise, body tensing in defence, Cody raised his hand and shook his head, sighing silently.
"I know it seems to you as if I'm overreacting. But... those past few weeks I just got a bad feeling. Something I couldn't shake off. It started with our argument about Ted. With that whole situation involving Ted. And then the guns yesterday. That... that hurtful stammering today. And I've just grown tired. Those past weeks have just exhausted me to a point where I feel as though I'm on losing ground. As though I can't go on like this anymore."
He had thought about his words for the past half hour. Ever since Randy had gone off to tuck Alana in. What to say. IF to say it at all. But he felt as though Randy deserved the truth. No matter if he was currently over-reacting or not. It were his thoughts and Randy needed to know about them.
"You..." Blinking, swallowing heavily, sweat breaking out on his forehead, Randy tried to process the words that had just been coming out of Cody's mouth. "You... don't want to break up, do you?"
Shit, he sounded like a heartbroken teenager now. A GIRL. An insecure, little, naive girl. But he just couldn't lose him. Not yet. Not ever.
"I dunno."
"You're having doubts?" Though those two words had made him want to vomit, he had kept his expression as calm as possible, pressing his shaking hand underneath his thigh to hide it from the sight of the younger man.
Cody nodded his head as he turned away from Randy's boring gaze again, not able to face him, not wanting him to see the tears once again creeping their way into his eyes. Damn him for being that weak, that vulnerable these days.
"I just..."
"What is it you're doubting?" His voice was almost desperate now, fearful and shaking as he reached one hand out to brush Cody's thigh. "Tell me what you're doubting, please Codes. Maybe I can make this right then."
"This... Us... Our relationship... Us moving in together... just everything."
"Because of our fights lately?" Randy was having serious trouble to understand his younger lover, reading him almost impossible since Cody had his head lowered, fingers playing with the hem of his shirt. He felt helpless. Completely and utterly helpless; and he hated that feeling like a bitch.
"Partly... yeah... It's just everything..."
Before Cody could continue though, voice shaking with emotions, Randy placed his hands onto his cheeks and turned it to face him. It was hard to do with someone who reluctantly struggled to get free, but he finally managed to do so, seeing the tears silently running down the younger mans cheeks.
"Baby... I know it gets a bit overwhelming at times. Especially with all the stress you had over the past couple of weeks. And, YES, my jealousy and stubbornness weren't really helping the matter, but... You're just tired. You're just exhausted. You're not..."
"Yes, Yes I am. I am tired and exhausted. Maybe I'm even irrational at the moment, but... Maybe I jumped into something new too soon. Too quick. Maybe I didn't think back then either. Maybe I should've waited..."
"No! You shouldn't!" They had both started to raise their voices during their argument, both unwillingly, both unintentionally. But Randy stopped himself soon enough to take a few deep and calming breath's before shaking his head. He was honestly at a loss for words. So many questions and good argument FOR their relationship on his mind, but nothing coherent wanting to make it past his lips. "Just... No."
He felt weak; desperate, weak and vulnerable. All three were qualities he hated, despised even. They just were not him.
"Codes, please... Maybe we did start this too fast, too soon... but... that does not mean it's wrong. It doesn't mean it won't work out. If you..." He swallowed hard again, almost choking when he took a deep breath "... If you want to, we can slow down now. Maybe... have a few weeks break. Or... we can move your stuff out again... I dunno. I just... I don't want you to do so, but... If you want it. Just don't call things off completely. Please not. This can work. This WILL work. I know it."
He ended his desperate plea with a heavy sigh, Cody's face still in his hands, own eyes now -despite his tough exterior- slightly clouded with tears, too. He hoped, he begged, he prayed. And if that was not enough, he would even sell his soul.
The seconds ticked by slow, painful, tortuously, making them feel like hours as they stared at each other and finally, hesitantly, slowly, there came a single nod from the younger man and a croaked "Okay."
The weight falling off his chest was enormous and in an instant he leaned forward to press a kiss onto his lovers trembling lips. Pulling back again only seconds later to look into those clouded baby-blues, his lips quirked up into a small smile.
"That's all I wanted to hear... And I promise I'll behave around Ted... and get the guns out of the house by tomorrow."
Cody nodded again, the smile on his lips forced and strangled, sniffing away the last of his tears. He was not entirely happy with the situation and still had a feeling he would regret it, still knew it was all too fast, too soon, but he would try. He would try not only for Randy but also for his own sake. He just needed the older man to breathe, to eat, to live. If he ended things now, he doubted their friendship would survive. Randy was not Ted, nor him. He would not forgive that easily.
"Can we... Can we just sleep now?" There were still topics he wanted to discuss, Alana, moving in, Randy's insensibility, but he was just tired, so very tired.
Not even needing to ask twice, Randy rumbled a low "Yes" before ushering Cody under the sheets. His chest pressed close to the younger mans back, one leg draped over his thigh and one arm wrapped tightly around Cody's wait, so very tight it hurt, not wanting to let him go, not able to loosen the grip in fear of Cody slipping out of it, Randy tried to found sleep for the night. However, while Cody drifted off into a restless slumber, he lay awake for hours to come, pondering on how he could ease Cody's fears away without pushing him too far.
The next morning came too soon, Cody awaking with a start and to an empty bed. The dream he had had been vivid, a flashback of something that had happened only a week ago. He could remember that talk with Ted so clearly, see him right in front of him with that sweet smile of his, hair and body still soaked in sweat from his match earlier on.
"Codes, you love him. You've said it so often now. You said he makes you feel safe. You trust him. You can see your future with him."
"I know, I know... but... It just doesn't feel right anymore."
While the memories flooded his mind, Cody slowly made his way to the bathroom, wondering where Randy could probably have gone before remembering that Al was there. His lover had probably been waken up by the little sunshine and decided to make them breakfast.
Ted's hand came to his shoulder, squeezing it gently and he leaned into him, the comfort his body gave him something that would never go away.
"It's only fights, baby-boy. Only fights. Every relationship has those. You should know that by now."
"It's just weakening... and frightening." His voice had almost gotten stuck in his throat as he fought the tears that once again wanted to get out, wanted to fall. Pressing himself closer to Ted, he closed his eyes and fought them to go away, the tears, the problems, the fear.
His morning-routine took longer than usual, his red, puffy eyes needing extra care this morning, his hair sticking to his head as if he had sweat, heavily, during his sleep. His body was aching and his muscles sore, his features looking as if he had aged 10 years over night. A 'Good Nights Sleep' was surely something different.
Ted had pressed his lips to his forehead then, his arm protectively wrapped around the younger male's waist to pull him close.
"If you love him as much as you said, you'll get through it. It's just a tough phase, Codes. It'll get better again." Leaning down, he turned to look into Cody's eyes, brilliant bright smile lightening his features. "You said that he's the one. You can picture getting old with him. That's something you never thought with me."
"I did." It was so silent, so mumbled , that Ted had barely registered the words, his heart clenching the second they sunk in.
"I'm sorry."
He took his extra time in the shower, letting all his emotions and feelings swirl around his mind until he felt dizzy. Hands braced against the shower-tiles and head sunk low, a choked sob escaped his lips before he lunched out to punch the wall with a silent scream. He did not want those feelings. He did not want to feel weak and vulnerable. All he wanted was to be happy, to be safe, to be with Randy.
"You don't have to." He was still pressed close to Ted, face buried in the older man's chest as he whispered those words, arms wrapped tight around the blonde's waist. "You know I forgave you."
"I've fucked you up. Because of what I did to you, you're now scared to lose Randy for the same reason, right? You're scared he'll leave, too?"
And Ted had been right then. That was the main reason for him to back-pedal. The reason why he doubted their relationship, what they were doing. He was scared, afraid, not wanting to feel anything like that ever again. Them being still partly a secret was not helping those fears the least.
After finally getting done in the bathroom, and rummaging through the little belongings he had managed to unpack already to pick something to wear, he finally made his way downstairs, brave smile in place as he took the last steps.
"Morning Uncle Cody!" Alana was already wide awake, sitting on the counter-top in the kitchen, legs dangling off it as she flashed her teeth at him in a wide smile.
"Morning, beautiful." His voice still showed evidence of the emotional roller-coaster he had gone through those past hours, still croaky and raw, but he managed a smile just as wide as hers, until his eyes met Randy's that was.
With one look exchanged between them, so many words were spoken, so many "Sorry's" and "It's okay", that the muttered "Good Morning" by Randy almost lost it's intensity. However, Cody soon looked away again, feeling the water in his eyes rising as he swallowed down the lump in his throat.
"Uncle Cody?"
Thankfully, the little blond distracted him again, and he met her eyes with a crooked smile. "Yeah, sunshine?"
"You gonna mawwy daddy one day and become my daddy, too?"
The words -though spoken quickly and clearly- took ages to sink in, his eyes widening the instant they finally registered and his jaw going slack as he opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. 'WTF?'
Confused beyond believe, shocked to say the least, he blinked rapidly to progress what she had just asked, turning his head to look at Randy in hope of some help from his older lover. The tattooed male, however, just stood in place, still busy with the meal he was preparing; the only answer given to him a shrug and that a so devilish smirk of his.
He'd told her. That sparkle in Randy's eyes was the answer to his unasked question. He had told her, about them, about him, about their relationship... and fuck him if her question did not mean she understood.
"Uncle Codes?"
"I... well..." Without breaking eye-contact with Randy, he tried to form some coherent words together, some answer that would not suggest too much but also not disappoint, brain reeling, heart hammering, breathing laboured. "Maybe... Maybe yeah, one day."
The smile on Randy's lips and the bop of his Adam's Apple showed clearly the relief the older man was feeling, and though Cody knew that they still had a lot to talk about, the smile on his own lips soon resembled that of his lover. For the first time in many days though, it was sincere.
Okay, now I really gotta update 'SmutFest'. Buh Bye!
