Chapter Twelve

I woke up to the whining and groaning of a very hung over Billie and Lily.

"Does anyone have a potion that will stop the room from spinning?" I asked, covering my head with my blankets, I knew I didn't drink enough water last night.

Iggy poked in his head the room and said, "It's almost seven girls get up, get up, get up!"

"Why isn't he miserable?" Lily asked, getting out of bed.

"He doesn't do the whole hungover thing," Billie responded, getting out of her pjs and pulling on her robes. "And that is why we hate him."

Lily laughed, she was already dressed so I assumed she had got up and got ready then got back into bed.

"I'm going to go throw up," I informed them before getting out of bed and then walking out of the room and across the common room. Not caring that all the boys were sitting around one of the tables and that I looked like shit. I went straight to the bathroom and did just as I said I was going to. I felt better afterwards and hoped that it would be the only time that I would puke that day.

I brushed my teeth thoroughly though I didn't even bother brushing my hair I just gathered it onto my head and put it in a bun, my bangs falling messily into my face. I went back to my room and changed into robes and grabbed my bag.

Walking back into the common area with Lily and Billie I saw James walk right up to Lily, pick her up and kiss her. He put her down then grinned widely at her, "Good morning Lilyflower."

"If you know what's good for you, you will never do that to me again while I am hungover, I promise that next time you do I will throw up on you."

James looked put out for a moment but then Lily rolled her eyes, grabbed his hand and they walked out of the portrait hole together. I looked around for the first time and noticed that it was only Peter and Iggy left, apparently Sirius and Remus had left already. I was definitely put out not to get the same greeting as Lily did. Although if Remus had done that to me I definitely would have thrown up on him.

"Shall we go then?" Iggy asked.

Neither Remus or Sirius was at breakfast, which worried me even more. My two best friends were definitely starting to notice my odd mood. Billie ate a huge breakfast, which was normal for her in a hung-over state. Iggy ate like normal and I had half of a cup of coffee before giving up with the whole breakfast idea. Lily did not eat either and she looked just as bad as I am sure I looked. James and Peter ate very lightly.

It was Friday and I could not wait till classes were over and they hadn't even started yet. Luckily I had double Charms with Ig and Billie first. On the way I told them everything that had happened between me and Remus last night and they understood why I was worried about his absence this morning.

My day was looking up apparently as we were working on a Charm from last class that I had already mastered. I put my head down and closed my eyes. Iggy actually worked and Billie sat there looking so hung over I'm surprised Flitwick didn't say anything. I'm sure we both still reeked like alcohol as neither of us had showered.

"Do you think that we only hooked up 'cause he was drunk? Maybe he doesn't actually like me..."

"That can't be it, you guys spend so much time together nowadays and I see the way he looks at you," Billie said.

"I agree Sone, I think he really does like you."

"Then why is he avoiding me?" I whined.

I spent the rest of the class dosing on and off and being grumpy and upset. I spent the rest of the morning like that and didn't see Remus at all. I ate a little bit at lunch then went up to the common room for my spare period after lunch.

Walking in I heard voices coming from the kitchen and automatically stopped to eavesdrop. It was Remus...and Sirius and James by the sounds of it. I immediately disillusioned myself and thanked my aptitude for charms.

Standing there and listening I heard Remus say, "Well I feel really bad about it but I can't keep doing this!"

"Why not?" Sirius asked, "We know you like her!"

"Give it a chance," James added.

"Oh common, you both know I cannot do that! It could never work and it's best to just stop anything right now 'cause it's not going to happen. Ever. There is no sense leading her on when I know for sure that I will never be with her."

"You can't know that for sure!" James said.

"Not until you give her a chance."

"Yes I can know and I do know it. You both know what the problem is so I don't see why you are trying to convince me otherwise, it will never happen."

I didn't want to here anymore and I walked straight to the girls' room and shut the door behind me. I fell face down onto the closest bed, curling onto my side I fell asleep without having to think about what I had just heard.

I was confused and disorientated when I woke up. It only took a couple seconds for the panic to sink in. Looking at the closest alarm clock I jumped up and regretted that motion when my stomach gurgled unhappily in response. I missed a class! Holy shit I slept through a whole class. For some reason my stupid brain wouldn't function properly and I couldn't figure out which class I had missed, it was a double period of...something.

I leapt up, grabbing my head when it throbbed in objection, to grab my bag. Which was not in the room, damn it! I walked quickly into the common area and looked around. Didn't see my bag anywhere until, oh shit!

I was staring at my bag, on the ground inside the entrance to the common room, where I had been hiding and listening to that horrible conversation, which was all coming back to me now. Going to grab my bag I blinked hard to keep the tears from falling. If they never left your eyes then it didn't count as crying.

I tried not to think about the fact that the boys must have seen my bag and known that I was eavesdropping when they left the common room as I dug out my schedule. Finally, something was going right today. It was history of magic, thank Merlin it wasn't anything important!

Although I noticed that if I didn't get to the dungeons in the next four minutes then I was going to be late for potions again, which meant that Slughorn would murder me. Or give me detention every weekend for the rest of the month.

This panic immediately stopped the tears that were still threatening and I got up and started jogging as quickly as my stomach could handle to the dungeons. I didn't think that I could make it and I didn't think about Remus as I used many short cuts that I had picked up by going to classes and hanging out with the Marauders.

I was at the end of the corridor leading to the potions class when the final bell rang. Completely out of breath I continue to jog and managed to skid into the room as Slughorn was starting roll call, I stopped just inside the door, bending over, holding my chest and trying to breathe. Everyone looked over at my dramatic entrance.

Slughorn raised an eyebrow and said, "I suppose you have a good reason for being late Miss Elliot?"

"I...ye.." I couldn't breathe yet which means that I couldn't talk either. As I continued to wheeze and try to explain he just looked at me and finally said, "Please just take your seat."

I did as I was told and when I was seated I promptly stuck my head between my knees and tried very hard not to vomit. The feeling was just passing when I heard Remus' name called and his answer come from directly behind my assigned seat. The feeling returned full force. This was going to be a long period.

As everyone collected supplies for the potion we were making, I should probably find out which one that was, I stayed as far away from any and all Marauders as possible, not even making any eye contact. I was chopping up some random root when I heard them.

Remus and James hissing at each other behind me, I couldn't figure out exactly what was being said but I understood that whatever they were talking about they were not in agreement. My suspicion that they were talking about me was confirmed when a little ball of parchment landed on the side of my desk.

I stared at it for a second and didn't know if I wanted to read it or not. I made my decision when I put the ball into my potion and it was disintegrated in seconds. No wonder I was failing this class. I heard a sigh and more hissing.

Another note landed, this time on the other side of my desk. The side that James was on and I figured this one was from him. I opened it, it read:

We no that u heard us talking in the kitchen, its not as bad as it probably sounded u should hear him out pls J.

i got the message - S.

U gotta talk to him let him explain. I promise u wont regret it! J.

no thanks ill leave u all alone from now on - S.

pls talk to me James was right i didn't mean it how it sounded! R.

Urgh, I didn't answer, just threw the note into my potion again. Although I have to admit that I was feeling hopeful, if he really wanted me to just leave him alone he wouldn't try to convince me to hear him out. But that meant that he did like me. As a friend. I was too humiliated to talk to him right away though. For him to sit me down and tell me that he liked me but not that way, for him to let me down easy and say he still wanted to be friends. That conversation would suck and I wanted to put it off for as long as possible.

What I really needed was a muggle boy. Well okay he didn't need to be muggle but it would be harder to get one for this purpose that wasn't a muggle.

I needed a pick-me-up boy. You see, I felt rejected, unwanted. It was not a good feeling. I needed a boy to hook up with to make me feel good. I would have absolutely no emotional attachments to this boy, he was purely there to boost my confidence and make me feel wanted.

Me and Billie both had these guys at home. Because every year we would come to school and be unpopular and feel like losers 'cause no boys here liked us, they all thought we were weird and stuff. So we each had a boy that we felt nothing more than friendship for that we would spend the summers snogging and such. So that when we went to school and felt like no boys wanted us we could just send these boys a racy letter and they would send one back telling us how much they missed us. Well, not us really but all the physical stuff we would do with them.

Both them and us knew that nothing we did would turn into a real relationship. Although over the years we'd become quite good friends with them. They would generally have different girl friends throughout the school year and that was fine with me and Billie. Although if they still had significant others when we were home then tended to cheat on them with us. Which we felt bad about, but not enough to stop them from cheating.

Apparently muggle girls are quite prudish. Not that me and Billie were complete whores or anything. Billie has never shagged anyone. That's where she drew the line with her boy, and he was well aware of that and was fine with it. I had drawn that line also. But me and Grant had crossed it last summer one night when we were really drunk.

I didn't have any regretful feelings about the emotionless and meaningless sex and we had therefore continued to shag throughout the summer. Billie thought I was a whore but I was okay with that. I thought of sex as a physical act and did not see reasons to have emotional connections with this boy just cause he'd put his penis in me. Big deal.

I decided I would write him tonight. Screw Remus Lupin, I didn't need him to make me feel wanted I already had a boy for that.

Too bad that what I wanted was for Remus to want me on an emotional level. Which was obviously something I did not already have.

A/N – Sorry, I think that it's been a little longer of a wait then normal! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and aren't too mad about it. Please tell me what you think, review review review =D