"So... I was up thinking last night..."
Pierre's lying on his side on the bed, head resting on one hand while the other is drawing lazy patterns on Sebastian's chest, and Sebastian turns his head to look at him, taking a deep draw from his joint before he replies.
"It didn't hurt too much, did it?" he asks. "Because I never thought I'd say this but there's only so much head I can kiss better in one day."
"Oh grow up already," Pierre says faux indignantly, and then proceeds to pinch one of Sebastian's nipples, making him squeal. "Will you listen to me?"
"I'm listening!" Sebastian shoots Pierre a murderous look as he rubs over his painful nipple. "Look at me: I'm listening. I listen. I'm trying to listen but you're not talking."
"I would talk if you'd shut up," Pierre replies matter-of-factly and Sebastian pushes himself up against the headboard, raising his hands in surrender.
"Please," he says. "Talk."
"Thank you," Pierre says gratefully with a nod of his head, but instead of talking he turns onto his stomach, his fingers fiddling nervously with the pillow case. "So-uhm... I- well, I got my monthly test results back yesterday. And they're- well, they were clean. Obviously. And it... it got me thinking. Because... well, obviously we need to keep safe when we're seeing our boys, but... I just- I thought... I thought maybe we could... like... forego the safety procedures? Just between the two of us?"
"What, you mean like bareback?"
Pierre nods, the hope clear on his face, and Sebastian shakes his head decisively.
"No."
"Wh-" Pierre pushes himself up on his knees, looking at Sebastian in confusion. "But why? I'm clean, you're clean... don't you trust me? Because I'd never do that with any of the boys, mon coeur, I swear, I-"
"Hey, hey - calm down, all right!" Sebastian leans forward, pressing a soft kiss against Pierre's lips. "Of course I trust you. I'd trust you with my life, you know that. But I'm not clean."
"Excuse me?"
"I got HIV."
For a good five seconds, Pierre just stares at Sebastian in astonishment, mouth opening and closing without any sound coming out, and Sebastian almost bursts out laughing at the comical sight.
"You-," Pierre tries again, "I... I mean: what?"
"I'm HIV positive," Sebastian repeats, taking a last draw from the joint before he pushes it out on the bedside table, and then turns back towards Pierre, who's still staring at him. "What?"
"You're positive."
"Yeah."
"And you didn't think that's something I needed to know?"
"Uhm, no?" Sebastian shrugs. "I mean, we've always been safe, what's the difference if I could have been positive or if I actually am?"
"What's the..." Pierre brings his hands to his head, shaking it disbelievingly. "What's the difference? You're asking me what's the difference?" He gets up from the bed, running his hands through his hair as he tries to find his words. "That you have freaking HIV!" he finally yells. "That's the freaking difference! Mon dieu, Sébastien, how can you just forget to mention that?"
"I didn't forget," Sebastian tries to explain. He's used to being yelled at when he discloses, it's one of the reasons why he'd stopped doing it in the first place, but he'd expected Pierre of all people to be a little more... understanding. "And it's not like I was purposefully hiding it from you or something... I just... I don't know, I didn't think it mattered?"
"Well, of course it matters!"
"Why?" Sebastian straightens himself, watching as Pierre paces around the room. "We've always been safe, you've always been safe."
"My safety is not the point here, Sébas!" Pierre exclaims. "I know we're always safe - I was there. But I'm your boyfriend. I'm your boyfriend and I thought that meant something to you."
"Of course it means something!" Sebastian exclaims, scooting closer to the edge of the bed to reach out to Pierre, but Pierre just pulls away. "Mon coeur, it means everything!"
"Oh really?" Pierre says challengingly, eyes squinting and his hands in his sides. "Then don't you think maybe you should have mentioned the part where you're suffering from a terminal illness?"
"I'm not-" Sebastian rolls his eyes. "I'm not suffering from 'a terminal illness' - jesus, Pépé, you act like I could drop dead any minute. It's almost 2020, you know?"
"Yeah, well, newsflash for you: even in 2020 people will still be dying from AIDS."
"Newsflash for you: I'm not one of those people."
"Sébastien!"
"What?" Sebastian stares at Pierre, challenging him to say more, but nothing comes out. "See, this is why I didn't say anything - people always make such a fuss about it when, really, it's not that big of a deal."
"Oh no," Pierre amends, raising his hands as he takes a step back. "Nono - you don't get to decide whether or not it's a big deal, ok? Because it is to me. It's a big deal - it's a huge deal, and I can't believe you're not seeing that."
He storms out of Sebastian's room and into his own, slamming the door behind him, and even though Sebastian immediately sprints after him he only reaches the door in time to hear the tell-tale sound of a turning key.
"Pépé!" He bangs on the door. "Let me in! Come on, don't be like this... please... Please, mon coeur, let me in, let's talk about this... Pépé... please... let me in..."
But no matter how much Sebastian begs and pleads the door stays shut, and when the music starts, loud enough to drown out his calls, he sighs, dropping his head against the door.
He just doesn't get it. He knows HIV was a big deal at the end of the last century, when it had only just been discovered and there was little to no treatment available, but this is the new millennium! He gets tested regularly, he is followed up closely, ... there is basically no way he'll ever get actually sick. Which just leaves the issue of safe sex, but really, with the amount of casual sex he has he has to play it safe always anyway, not just to protect his partner but also himself. After all, HIV is not the only -nor the worst- STI to look out for. Plus - Pierre had admitted himself they'd always been safe.
And so he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand why Pierre seems to try his best to be home as little as possible over the course of the next few days, or why he ignores Sebastian whenever they both do happen to be home at the same time. What he does understand, however, is that it's slowly driving him crazy, and when on the third day Pierre refuses to even try the mac'n'cheese Sebastian has made for dinner -granted, a bit burnt, but he'd tried, even remembered to use vegan cheese even though he hates it- he finally breaks - and calls Jolene.
He regrets his decision almost instantly when she spends the first ten minutes of their call yelling at him -'You're a selfish piece of shit, Sebastian Eric Smythe, and you don't even deserve that I help you!'- but once they've both calm down a little -because nobody's calling him a piece of shit no matter what he has or hasn't done- and actually talk... Sebastian still doesn't understand. He does take away one thing from the conversation though: he'll have to apologize. And then maybe -hopefully- Pierre will want to talk to him.
.
"Get out."
Pierre enters the room, sliding his messenger bag onto the floor as he walks to his desk and sits down, and if he hadn't said anything Sebastian could've just as well not have been there.
Well... so far so good, I guess, Sebastian sarcastically thinks to himself. Here goes nothing.
"I want to talk to you."
"Oh look, it has deemed me worthy of telling me something!" Pierre says sarcastically, though he doesn't turn around. "Well then - go on, don't let me stop you: talk away. Just don't expect me to listen."
"I want to apologize."
That seems to get Pierre's attention, because even though he still refuses to look at Sebastian his hand stills, and when he nods Sebastian can feel the hope flare up in his chest.
"I'm sorry," he says carefully, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier that I'm positive."
But Pierre just huffs out a laugh, shakes his head and then continues whatever it was he was doing.
"Not good enough," he says. "Not even close. Now get out."
"No!"
They might end up fighting again, but Sebastian doesn't care. This is the closest he's been to Pierre in days - even just hearing Pierre's voice again makes his insides burn with longing, and not even for sex. There's no way he's going to walk away from him now.
"You do realize we're going to have to talk about this some day, right? We can't just... live in the same apartment and ignore each other for the rest of the year!"
"I don't see why not," Pierre replies dryly, and Sebastian rolls his eyes.
"Yes, really helpful, thank you for your input," he says sarcastically. "Never mind me trying to have an actual conversation here."
"Hey, don't look at me," Pierre shrugs, "this whole situation is your fault, not mine."
"Which is why I'm trying to to do something about it, but you're not exactly cooperating!" Sebastian exasperates. "Look, Pépé, I get you're upset and you're angry with me, but don't you think three days of silent treatment has been enough punishment for me? I mean, if you don't tell me what I did wrong how am I supposed to make it right?"
"Seriously?" Pierre swivels around on his chair. "You're seriously going to make this about the fact that you feel like I've treated you unfairly?"
His eyes are blazing with barely withheld anger, his jaw set, but it's the disappointment in his voice that really gets to Sebastian. But there's no turning back now - the music has started and Sebastian has no choice but to face it.
"But don't worry, Sebastian," Pierre continues, emphasizing each syllable, and god Sebastian hates it when Pierre uses his American name. "I'll tell you. I'll tell you exactly what my problem is with you. First of all - I'm angry. I'm angry because you're a selfish little prick who doesn't think about anyone but himself. I'm disappointed, because I thought you are a compassionate, honest human being when clearly - you're not. And I'm hurt, Sébas, I'm hurt because right now I feel like you don't trust me."
"Mon coeur..."
"I'm not done yet!"
Pierre sniffs and wipes his nose on his sleeve, furiously trying to get rid of the tears that stream over his cheeks.
"But most of all I'm angry - I'm furious, because it took you freaking three days to come talk to me and it's just... it's like you don't even care how I feel."
"Of course I care!" With three large steps, Sebastian is kneeling in front of Pierre, and he reaches out to cup his face, wiping at his tears with his thumb. "Mon coeur, please... look at me. I'd never do something to hurt you, never. I've always been super careful, Pépé, I promise - I know what I can and can't do, I'm not taking any risks; not with anyone and definitely not with you."
"Are you talking about sex now?" Pierre asks incredulously, wiping at his cheeks again. "Do you really think that's what this is about? Mon dieu, Sébas, I can't even believe you right now!" He traces his hands through his hair in desperation and then presses the heels of his hands against his eyes. "I know how careful you always are, Sébas, I'm usually there when we fuck, remember? And I know you're careful with the boys as well, do you really think I would've proposed going bareback if I didn't completely trust you'd always be safe?"
"Uhm... no?" Sebastian replies unsurely, because if it's not about sex he really doesn't know why Pierre is still so upset.
"No," Pierre confirms with a sigh. "Mon dieu, I'm really going to have to spell this out for you, aren't I? Okay... tell me: why didn't you tell me you are positive?"
"Because I didn't think it was important? Or like, relevant?"
"And why exactly did you classify that particular tidbit of information as 'not relevant'?"
There's a certain exasperation in Pierre's tone, and Sebastian hesitates. He's glad he's finally gotten Pierre to talk to him, but right now it feels like he's being quizzed without knowing what he's supposed to have studied, and he's terrified of giving the wrong answer.
"Because... it doesn't have anything to do with you?" he tries. "Because it's my problem, not yours. Well, I mean, it's not a problem, it's just something I need to keep an eye on. Like... like you know how they say when you got a mole, you don't need to worry so long as you check it once in a while to see it hasn't grown or anything? And only if it does you should have surgery? It's like that. HIV is my mole."
"Okay," Pierre says slowly. "So... if I had an invisible mole, and I didn't tell you about it, you wouldn't be offended?"
"Of course not," Sebastian says immediately, although the thought of Pierre having a congenital skin defect that could very well be malignant makes him feel queasy. "I mean... I don't think so."
"And if that mole turned out to be skin cancer and I had to have treatment, I wouldn't have to inform you, would I? Because I would be the one needing surgery, not you, so it wouldn't really affect you, would it? As long as I'd let you know you'd have to take care of your own dinner that evening, of course."
"I... guess?"
"I'd probably go home to my parents for a few days," Pierre continues. "I mean, I wouldn't want to burden you with taking care of me after an operation that is entirely not your problem because what kind of a boyfriend would I be then?"
"I wouldn't mind," Sebastian says quietly. "Taking care of you. I know I'm not the greatest cook but I can make soup. And breakfast. I'm pretty sure I can find that shop where you get that stuff you use for eggs."
"It's called tofu," Pierre says with a smile, "just for future reference. And that's really sweet, but you really don't have to do that. It's my mole, my surgery, my problem. I can handle it. And I don't need to tell you when I'm declared cancer-free, either because that's my victory to celebrate. And neither do I need to tell you how I'd be scared everyday it might come back, because that's my burden to carry."
"But I-"
"-feel like that sounds like I don't trust you to take care of me? Like I'm excluding you from parts of my life? Like I'm not taking how you might feel or what you might want into consideration at all?"
"Pépé..."
"Because if you do you got entirely wrong," Pierre continues sweetly. "I am merely keeping my problems to myself, see?"
"All right!" Sebastian's hand shoots out almost of its own accord to close over Pierre's mouth. "All right, I get it! But I'm not gonna need surgery, I'm not actually gonna get sick - this doesn't need to have any impact on either of our lives."
"Promise me that," Pierre challenges him. "Only you can't, can you? One day your body is going to lose the battle and you're going to have to start taking drugs, and unless science has made some giant leap I'm not aware of, they still have to be taken with a meal at the same time every day. Which means we'll have to organize our lives around that, and I'm not sure if you've noticed, but we don't exactly have a very regular lifestyle now. So one way or another, sooner or later, it will have an impact, Sébas, no matter how much you're trying to deny it to me or to yourself, and if nothing else I would've just really appreciated a heads up."
There's that disappointment again, and as if that's not enough to feed Sebastian's growing feeling of guilt it's as if Pierre's last words have finally switched on a light bulb in Sebastian's brain. And suddenly he gets it - really gets it. That it hadn't been so much about the fact that he's positive and everything that comes with it, but rather because he simply didn't tell. That it hadn't been because Pierre didn't want to deal with an HIV positive boyfriend, but because he wanted to deal with it - because he wanted to be allowed to be there for Sebastian if he needed him. But most of all that it had been because by not telling Pierre something Sebastian had decided was irrelevant, he'd taken away Pierre's right to make up his own mind.
"I'm sorry," he chokes out, trying and failing to hold back his tears. "I'm sorry for not telling you when we got together. I'm sorry for not considering your anger justified. I'm sorry for making you feel like I didn't care. I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so, so, sorry."
"I know," Pierre tells him, kissing him softly. "I know. And I accept your apology. Mon coeur à toi."
"Mon coeur à toi," Sebastian replies, but when he looks back up at Pierre his his face has turned serious again, and he takes Sebastian's hand.
"Can I just... can I ask you one thing?" he asks, and Sebastian nods. Pierre could ask him anything right now and he'd do it ten times over. "If- and I'm saying if here, not when, god forbids I ever lose you but... if something ever goes wrong between us... and you meet someone else... promise me you'll tell him."
"But-"
"Promise me, Sébas. I know you - you won't tell him first because you won't know how much he means to you, and then when you do you won't tell him because you'll think it's too late and you'll see a repeat of the past couple of days, but without the happy ending. So promise me. If there's ever anyone else who you're proud to call your boyfriend... promise me you'll tell him."
"Mon coeur..."
"Promise me."
And so Sebastian nods, croaks out "I promise.", and hopes Pierre hears how much he hopes he'll never have to keep that promise.
And when he finally dares meet Pierre's eyes, Pierre is actually smiling at him. Five minutes ago Sebastian would've probably grinned back, pulled Pierre over to the bed and showed him just how happy he is their fight is over, but now, with his newfound revelation still fresh on his mind, all he can think of is how lucky he is to have found this man, and how incredibly blessed he is to be allowed to call him his boyfriend. And in that moment he swears he will never, ever, do anything to hurt this man ever again.
"You're looking way too serious for someone who just made up with his boyfriend after a three-day fight, you know?" Pierre pulls him out of his thoughts, giving Sebastian a little push against the shoulder, and Sebastian gives him a crooked smile.
"I just... feel like a jerk," he says and Pierre laughs, lifting his chin with two fingers.
"That, mon coeur, is called knowing yourself," he teases, "and I've been told it's the source of all wisdom."
"Asshole," Sebastian says, but his voice lacks snark and he can't hold back a smile.
"Impossible," Pierre says sweetly. "You see, I've also been told that opposites attract, and right now I am really, really attracted to you..."
He's letting his hands ghost over the front of Sebastian's shirt, teasing with his fingers along Sebastian's waistband, and Sebastian shakes his head in amusement.
"You really were serious when you said you didn't care about the sex, were you?"
"Mon coeur, please... ," Pierre whines, "if you want more making up I promise we can do it later, but I haven't touched your dick in three days and I just really missed you, okay? So from one horny man to another... please-please-please have sex with me tonight?"
