Author's Note: CRAP, I forgot to upload this chapter today! Sorry guys, I was just so excited about today. It's the Fall Festival and all! Ah, the marvelous parties that small towns can put on… well, I won't bore you with the only thing that makes living in this redneck center bearable. And now, we're back with Paulo and David! Enjoy!
Chapter 12: Volcano
Enter Paulo:
"Ah…" I swallowed a grape fed to me by a native. "This is the life…"
The natives were carrying me and David on a bed above their heads, feeding us and basically treating us like Gods. The entire village was carrying us and marching up the volcano, probably to bring us to a temple and worship us some more.
"…hey Paulo?" Dave asked, poking me in the arm.
"Dave, I'm trying to enjoy being worshiped here," I replied, eyes still closed. "You should do the same."
"But what about Daisy?" Paulo asked.
"What about… she's with Abby," I replied. "She'll be… safe."
Damn. Dave brought me back down to Earth (or wherever the hell this was) by reminding me about that. We were almost slaughtered by a giant bug these natives summoned, who knows what kind of dangers they would face? And I guess Mike's in trouble, too. Plus, he was alone, while Daisy and Abby were together. I was even with Dave, but Mike… and even Lucy was totally alone. I started to worry-
"What's an Abby?" Dave asked.
"What's an… Dave-" I started, turning my head to see he was holding up a Daisy.
"…where did you get that flower?" I asked.
"I picked it!" he said cheerfully.
"But… when?"
"When that bug was attacking you!"
"There weren't any flowers there!"
"Well obviously you didn't see them, otherwise you would have picked them," Dave said in a final tone, sticking his tongue out at me. I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose.
"Just… look," I said. "We'll relax at their temple or wherever they're carrying us for a bit, then we'll see how much info we can find about this world. Maybe we'll find out where our friends are."
"Temple?" Dave asked, tilting his head.
"Yeah," I nodded. "You know, like, a temple to worship I. C. Weiner or something. I mean, why else would they carry us up to the top of this hunk of rock?"
"Maybe to throw us in so we can join the Volcano God in the glorious other world?" suggested Dave. It was about then we were helped off the bed and shown to the mouth of the volcano.
"…whoa," I gulped, looking down at the magma inside the volcano. Heat was pouring out of the top, making me sweat just by being near it. "Why are we here?"
"We throw you in so you join Volcano God in glorious other world!" the chief said.
"What?" I asked in alarm, stepping back. "Why?"
"It say so in prophesy!" the chief said. "When Prophets come from heaven, we must send them to Volcano God's world so they may obtain powers of heaven to save world!"
"So we WILL be Superheroes?" Dave asked in excitement. In response to this, I slapped my hand over his mouth.
"What if… er, and this is COMPLETELY hypothetical…" I said slowly, thinking. "Just… what if it turned out that we weren't really prophets? That we were just faking it the whole time?"
"Then we not deliver you to Volcano God," the chief said.
"Oh, okay!" I said, relaxing. "Then-"
"Instead," the chief continued, "we drag you back to town and brutally tear you apart before letting monsters consume your corpses to please the Volcano God for you being damnable blasphemers."
"…oh," I gulped. "Right…"
The Natives "helped" us to the edge of the volcano. Both Dave and I looked down to see the magma bubbling under us.
"Come on, Dave…" I muttered to my friend. "Help me think of a way out of this…"
"We could tell them we're not really who we lied and said we are," suggested Dave.
"…that would mean they'd SLAUGHTER us," I said slowly.
"Well that makes things simple!" Dave said. "Being slaughtered is bad, so we'll jump into the volcano!"
"…Dave." I put my hands on his shoulders. "We'd fall into magma. It would burn us to a crisp. That would ALSO be bad."
"Boy, you have a tough time making up your mind!" huffed Dave. "If it's not one thing, it's another!"
"You okay?" asked the chief. "You take long time to enter."
"Er…" I thought fast, and suddenly, an idea came to me. "Mortals! Do you have ANY idea how painful it is just to suddenly swap between the Lava God's heaven and this world?"
The Natives looked between themselves in concern.
"…we never thought-" started the chief.
"Never thought… of COURSE you never thought!" I barked, throwing my hands up in the air. "The swap between our two worlds is much too painful to swap between at a moment's notice to any but the Gods themselves! If we just threw ourselves in suddenly, who KNOWS what could happen to us? Do you WANT to disappoint I. C. Weiner by damaging his most beloved prophets? Do you want him angry? Do you want the LAVA GOD angry?"
"I… no!" the chief winced away. "Forgive us, we didn't know!"
"That's what I thought," I huffed, crossing my arms. "Now… there is a way around this. Do you have any SLOW way we can go down?"
The chief shakily pointed to a winding path near the mouth of the volcano that could be walked and climbed down.
"Better," I nodded. "Let's go, Dave."
"Yay!" Dave clapped, and ruined my awesome exit by wrapping his arm with mine and forcing me along the path as he skipped.
"We're off to see the God, the wonderful Lava God!" he sang as he skipped along.
"Farewell, prophets!" the Natives waved, and we were soon out of sight of them, climbing down the path into the volcano.
"Alright Dave, let go, let GO!" I said, yanking my arm out of Dave's grip.
"Aw, but the Lava God…" whined Dave.
"There IS no Lava God!" I sighed in exasperation. "I only said that so we could climb down, wait for those Natives to leave, then climb up and escape!"
"…so you're a dirty liar?" asked Dave, pointing at me. I face palmed.
"…yes, Dave," I growled. "I am a dirty liar."
"But that makes me a liar, too!" Dave gasped. "Mommy says lying is bad!"
I felt like hitting my head on a rock until I dropped unconscious.
"…listen," I finally managed, wrapping my arm around Dave's shoulders. "Buddy. Friend. Amigo. Sometimes, lying is the best thing to do."
"Like when?" asked Dave, blinking.
"Let's say, oh for example…" I said, pretending to think. "You get sucked into a black dome and wind up in a strange alternate world knowing fuck all about what's going on or where you are, and then natives come around and threaten to kill you. If you don't lie and say that you're really just a prophet from an angel acting under a God, then they'll murder you. And being murdered is bad, right?"
"Well… yes…" Dave said.
"And then, another example," I continued. "If said Natives are going to kill you if you tell the truth and kick you into a volcano if you keep with the same lie, you have to come up with ANOTHER lie to keep yourself from being slaughtered or from being burnt to a crisp."
"…well a Volcano's better than a snowy field!" Dave said.
"Dave. Focus."
"Right! Focusing…"
"Good," I nodded. "Now… do you know what we have to do now?"
"Bake cookies?" suggested Dave.
"…no Dave," I said, repressing a twitch. "We do not bake cookies."
"Jump into the lava?"
"That would BURN us."
"Explore the volcano?"
"Dave, do you have ANY idea how hot it is in here? I can already feel myself dripping with sweat."
"Uhhhh…"
"I'll give you a hint," I said slowly, pointing to the mouth of the volcano. "It involves going up there."
"…leaving the Volcano?" asked Dave.
"YES!" I said in exasperation. "Yes Dave, that's exactly what we're going to do!"
"And then jump back in?"
"NO! We leave, then go AROUND to avoid the Natives, then put as much distance between us and this place as possible!"
"Oooooh!" Dave nodded. "I get it!"
"Do you?" I crossed my arms.
"Yup!" Dave nodded.
"…alright," I said. "In that case, tell me what I just said."
"You said-Ooh, Shiny!" Dave said, eyes sparkling as he looked over my shoulder.
"Wha… I said nothing about-" I started, but Dave ran past me and into a cavern on the side of the wall of the Volcano.
"DAVE!" I shouted after him. "COME BACK HERE!"
He didn't come back. I bit my lip and looked between the mouth of the volcano to the cave and back.
"…that guy's gonna be the death of me," I muttered, chasing after him into the cave. "DAVE!"
Author's Note: Ah, idiot friends… sometimes you like 'em, sometimes you wish you could strangle them. Well, that's it for this chapter, so until next time, this is Pax the Dreamer, signing out!
