Sincere thanks to my inspirational beta, Con
Broken
Chapter 12
Night had wrapped itself around the hacienda, a waning moon highlighting the empty corral and the solitary figure now exiting the barn.
Jelly watched from the shadows, noting with dismay the young man's bowed head and slumped shoulders, the familiar cocky stride was strikingly absent, in its place a weary gait. The aging handyman's heart ached for his friend, for the burden he seemed determined to carry.
He'd seen precious little of Johnny these past few weeks. He'd had virtually no opportunity to talk to him, what with the boy helping care for his injured brother, and working what hours he could fit in in-between. Jelly too had been busy, with all three of the Lancer men virtually housebound, he and Cipriano had been shouldering more and more responsibility, where running the ranch was concerned. Neither man minded of course, both taking pride in the fact they were trusted and respected enough to be handed the reins. Things were running smoothly too, so far. They hadn't had to trouble the Boss with anything, and hopefully they wouldn't have to anytime soon, as the rancher had so much on his plate as it was.
Shivering in the cool night air Jelly fought the urge to move indoors, into the warmth and comfort of his room, where his bed impatiently called to him. His old bones were aching something rotten tonight and his eyes burned with fatigue. Still, he knew he wouldn't rest until he'd spoken to the desolate looking form, slowly approaching the front door.
Stepping into the moonlight Jelly ambled towards his friend. Forcing some cheer into his voice, he called out "Evenin'"
"Evenin' Jelly." A small smile accompanied the boy's greeting, but it lingered only fleetingly on his lips. Gloom quickly settling on the handsome face. Then, as the two men came face to face, Johnny added a concerned "You ok?"
"Got me a problem!" Jelly declared solemnly.
Johnny's brow furrowed "You want to talk about it?"
"Ya think it would help?"
"Yeah! Sure I do Jelly." Gesturing towards the porch, Johnny then wrapped an arm around the smaller man steering him towards a bench, "It helps to get things off your chest, ain't you always telling me that?"
Seated, Jelly gazed sideways into a set of expectant eyes "Well go on then, git it off yer chest!"
"Me?" Puzzlement settled on the brunets face.
Glancing theatrically around the empty night, Jelly stated, "Well I can't see anyone else around here with a face as sour as week old milk!"
Johnny's eyes flashed in consternation. It seemed 'he' was what was weighing so heavily on his friend's mind! Jelly had set a trap and he'd walked right into it. The old man didn't play fair! Well, he was in no mood to talk about himself, "Jelly, I'm tired…"
"And feelin' about as low as a man can git ain't ya?"
The dark haired man bowed his head, but there was no hiding the truth and so Johnny nodded. He had known misery before, umpteen times; black moods he'd found almost impossible to shake off. Life had dealt him many a blow, some knocking him to his knees. Still, he'd always found a way through, life never quite as bad as it had seemed at the time. But now life had again lost its sparkle. Each new day something to endure, rather than to enjoy. To make matters worse, that was also how his brother now appeared to view life, and Scott's despair compounded his own, making him more heartsick than he had ever been before. He knew he couldn't change things. It was impossible to turn the clock back; but he just wished he could do something, anything to make it up to Scott, even in some small way.
Johnny raised his head to look at the old handyman. Before he could say anything, Jelly spoke.
"I knowed it! Ya gone and got yer spurs all tangled up over what happened to yer brother…"
"It's my fault Jelly." Johnny interrupted quietly.
"'peers ta me, the only one blamin' you is you!"
"Yeah well they've gotten so used to excusing the stupid things I do it's become a habit I guess!" The brunet spat bitterly.
"I thought they meant more to ya than that boy!" Disappointment echoed in the older mans voice.
"What do you mean by that?" Johnny demanded.
"All they've ever tried ta do is understand and support ya, it ain't right that ya should do them down fer that!"
"Sorry Jelly! I…I didn't mean…it just seems I'm forever sorry for something and they're forever having to forgive me!"
"Ya've done a lot of forgivin' too boy! The Boss he don't always taste his words fore he spits 'em out, and I know they've cut ya up a time or two…"
"That ain't the same thing Jelly!" Johnny snapped irritably, why couldn't the older man see that? "Scott ain't ever going to walk again because of me…"
"Not because of ya Johnny! A stallion broke his back, not ya!"
"A stallion 'I' was chasing…"
"Scott was chasin' him too, it was his choice, and he made it freely…"
"If I hadn't been there, he wouldn't have been there…" Exasperation rang in the young man's voice, why couldn't people see he was at fault here?
"A set of circumstances led ya both ta that point, ta Scott doin' what he did. Yer brother did somethin' mighty fine that day, somethin' special…somethin' he won't never regret! By lettin' what happened eat at ya like this, yer making what he did meaningless. Now, that ain't right and that's all yer have ta be sorry fer Johnny!" With a reassuring pat to his young friend's back, Jelly got stiffly to his feet and made his way inside.
JMLJMLJMLJML
"I was just coming to look for you." Murdoch looked up from his book, eyeing his younger son with concern. "You said you wouldn't be long, is everything alright?"
"Yeah…no, not really!" Johnny admitted flopping down beside his father on the couch."
"John?"
Blowing out a shaky breath Johnny shrugged. He needed to talk to his father, but just wasn't sure what it was he wanted to say, so a little sheepishly he began to explain what was troubling him "It's just something Jelly said..."
"Ah!" The patriarch's eyes widened, certain a mystery was about to be solved. "Was it John 15:13?"
"What?" Johnny eyed his father, totally perplexed by the older man's question; he decided it best to just plough on "No, no nothing like that! He said…well he said I'm making what Scott did meaningless, by blaming myself."
Fighting down a sudden rush of indignation Murdoch slowly absorbed the words then looked across at his desk. The handyman had passed through the great room just ten minutes ago , eyeing him gravely and uttering something that had deeply puzzled him at the time…"John 15:13" But now putting it together with what his son was saying, he finally understood what Jelly was trying to tell him, or at least he thought he did!
"I'll be right back" The patriarch stood and strode purposefully towards what had suddenly drawn his attention. Pulling open the top drawer of his desk, he removed the large leather bound book that nestled there. Then turning on his heels, he moved swiftly back to sit beside his son.
Johnny knew what book it was and grew increasingly uncomfortable; surely the Old Man wasn't going to start reading to him from it now?
Flicking knowledgeably through the well-thumbed pages, Murdoch soon found what he was looking for. Setting the book in his sons reluctant hands, he pointed at a particular passage and gently urged, "Read it son"
The blue eyes stared at the page, at the mass of words gathered there, inexplicably scared of their significance. He read them silently to himself, but suddenly he felt the need to say the words aloud. In a voice as soft as an Angel's breath the words flowed hesitantly, "Greater love hath no man than this that a man…lay…lay down his life…"
Seeing that his son was struggling with some strong emotions, Murdoch clasped his arm and squeezed reassuringly
"You see John, your brother knew what he was doing that day, and that was his…his gift to you. So it's not something you should regret, but rather it's something you should respect and honour. However, to do that you must let go of the guilt. By no means is this a debt that needs repaying, but… by helping your brother to accept what has happened, and to enjoy life again, you are helping give back the life he was willing to give to protect you. Your gift to him. John?"
Johnny's gaze slowly met his father's, eyes unashamedly moist, a small smile played on his lips as he nodded his understanding.
TBC
Molly
