A/N: Ok, readers, it's time to rein this thing in and start turning it around. Thanks for the thoughtful reviews! :) I believe I said something about this in another author's note, but you'll notice that Mac continues to be hard on herself. Please know that that is not what I think about her, but what she thinks about herself. I do have experience being the child of an alcoholic—we do tend to be rather rough on ourselves and blame ourselves for things not of our doing or things out of our control. Thankfully, my father stopped drinking, is so much better now, and our relationship is solid. I'm also nicer to myself these days, but those old habits get pretty well ingrained. The character of Mac never got to have the kind of resolution with her father that I had with mine, so I would imagine things would be much worse for her.

PS: I have never made tea in my life, so I apologize if I'm way off—I know it involves hot water, usually some little white bags…a teapot, some people put lemon in it, milk…honey? I personally find tea…unpleasant.

Delicate

Chapter 12: I Know

0704 Local

Mac's Apartment

Georgetown

Mac moved nervously about the kitchen, gathering things to make tea for her and Clay. She wished he would have called first; she could have had some time to prepare.

On second thought, it was probably better that he surprised her. She was afraid if she had time to dwell, she'd find a way to avoid him. She sighed. No, she wouldn't have. She had created this mess, and it was up to her to come clean. She didn't think it was necessary to tell him all the gory details, but it was time to acknowledge that she did not feel that kind of love for him. She would have never have done what she did with Harm if she had. She brushed aside the images of a kiss on an admiral's porch that flashed through her mind, trying to ignore the little voice inside telling her that there was a pattern in her behavior.

Of course, not loving Clay as more than a friend was still no excuse for sleeping with Harm. In her mind she could hear the voices of her father and Chris whispering to her from their graves, calling her all those hateful things that she had thought she'd long since put behind her. Tramp. Slut. She had never come as close to believing them as she did right at this moment.

The kettle whistled and Mac removed it from the stove, then poured the water into the pot. She added that to the tray she had prepared, took a deep breath, and carried it out to the living room. Clay had settled on her couch; as usual he was impeccably dressed despite the early hour. She sat next to him, and he brought one arm around her shoulders and hugged her to his side. "It's good to see you, Sarah."

"You, too, Clay." And it was. She was happy he was safe, she was glad to have what was now pretty much her only friend back at home, and she did miss him. Knowing their friendship was undoubtedly not long for this world was painful. She busied herself with pouring the water into both their cups, and each chose a tea of their liking.

They let their tea steep, sitting in silence for a few minutes, while Mac gathered up her courage to speak. She was just about to ask him how his mission went when Clay spoke first.

"Are you okay, Sarah? You're so quiet."

"No, I mean yes, I'm fine. I just haven't been sleeping much lately."

"Nightmares, again?" He shifted slightly, turning a bit to better face Mac.

Mac nodded. "Some."

"Have you thought about talking to—"

"No, it's fine, they're getting better." Not entirely true, but as long as she was sleeping some, eating some, and work wasn't suffering, she figured that was good enough.

"If you're sure, Sarah." He sounded skeptical. "By the way, the mission went off without a hitch—we did, well we did something classified, followed by something 'need to know,' and then something…well you get the idea." He grinned at her.

She smiled a bit at his non-description of his most recent success, but it did not quite reach her eyes.

Clay's eyes narrowed fixed on Mac's. "Sarah, spit it out. What's wrong? I'm sorry I wasn't able to call you more. I wanted to, but I was rarely in a place where I could."

Mac shook her head quickly. "Clay…please don't worry about that. I've told you before that I understand. It isn't that."

"So, there is something going on." Damn his astuteness.

"Clay…"

"It's Harm, isn't it." It wasn't a question.

Mac had been looking down at her hands, but when Clay mentioned Harm, her head snapped up. "What?"

Clay had gotten up from the couch and was pacing about the room, much like Harm had earlier this morning. He stopped in front of her.

"You heard me. Harm. Tall guy. Flies jets."

"Clay, it's not what you think."

"And what do I think?"

"You think Harm and I are involved."

"Well, aren't you?"

Mac truly did not know how to answer that, now that the question had been posed to her directly. She didn't say anything for a minute, trying to think of a way to put it that would be factual yet not so painful for Clay. Face it, there is no way to make this less painful. She opened her mouth to speak, but Clay interrupted her.

"I guess that answers that." To her surprise, he sat back down next to her on the couch. "So you are involved."

"Clay, Harm and I, it's not…we're not…she made a vague motion in the air with her hand. "But it isn't going to work with you and me."

"Because of Harm."

"Yes…no…really, Clay, it's not in the way you're thinking."

"And again, what am I thinking? That he doesn't deserve you? That he only seems to hurt you?"

Mac shook her head. Clay wasn't entirely wrong in those thoughts…but the fact was she just didn't love him like that and he deserved to be with someone who loved him with her whole heart.

"Clay…you know I love you, too. We've been through a lot together. You are a great friend…"

"But?"

"But I shouldn't have started that kind of relationship with you."

Clay sighed. "No, you shouldn't have."

Mac's shoulders slumped. Tears filled her eyes. "I'm sor—"

"But…I shouldn't have started that kind of relationship with you either. Sarah, I love you, but I always knew I was second to Harm. I had thought…I had hoped that with everything that went on between you two and his subsequent behavior, that maybe you could let him go. But the way you 'casually' ask me about him, the way your whole being relaxes when you find out that he's safe-I knew he still had a hold on you, and yet I still pursued you. Don't get me wrong, I am hurt, I am angry, but I have to take some of the blame here, too." He got up and grabbed his jacket. "I need to go."

"Clay, you aren't responsible for any of this! I'm—" I'm the one who always does this. Starts a relationship with someone because I can't have what I really want. I did it with Mic, and now with Clay. I truly loved Mic, and I do love Clay, but never the way I should.

"I'm so sorry, Clay."

"I know you are. And I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Sarah, I'm sorry, but I can't stay here any longer. I still value your friendship…but I don't think I can be around you for a while, okay?"

Mac nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek. He was being so damned understanding. She didn't deserve it.

"Dammit, Sarah, stop sitting there looking like everything that's gone wrong in the world from the plague to the rise of communism is your fault. I knew the score—I knew how you felt and still feel about Harm, who is, by the way, the biggest moron to ever walk on this earth."

Her lips quirked up a bit at that…Clay did have a point… "Clay, I'm really not in a relationship with Harm."

"Then he's the biggest moron in the entire universe. And just so you know, obviously I'm not dead, nor do I wish to be. So don't let anyone, and by that, I do mean Harm, tell you any different."

Mac had forgotten she had told him about Harm's twice uttered sentiment.

Clay shrugged into his jacket and put his hand on her doorknob. He paused there, turning back toward her. "Sarah, I am upset right now, and yes, I am mad at you, Harm, the situation, but please don't sit there thinking it's all your fault. We're all adults. We all make our own decisions, we all bear some responsibility in this…I mean, me, probably not as much," he smiled a bit. "But you do not have to accept all the responsibility for this. I'd like to believe by now I know a little about how you think—so get the thought that it's all your fault out of your head right now." He pulled open her door.

She could only nod again. She didn't completely buy into what he was saying, but she appreciated it.

"And Sarah," he said, still poised at the threshold of her apartment. "I don't know what all you know…that stunt that Harm pulled on the Seahawk—all the publicity, his face plastered everywhere…that doesn't fly with the agency. And now, neither does he. Not anymore. We fired him, Sarah. Per my recommendation, I might add. So...I...well, goodbye, Sarah." With that, he left, closing the door behind him.

Mac sat there on the couch, stunned. "Fired? Was that why Harm was acting the way he did? Or did that just push him over the edge? Harm had certainly been in a state this morning and she'd never be able to forget the uncharacteristic and cruel things he said to her that other night.

Mac did have a hard time believing that getting fired from the CIA would upset him that much. Which of course brought it back around to it being her fault. No, no matter what had happened between us, he still had no right to act that way with me. I need to keep Clay's words in mind with this one. He's being the rational one here.

Harm had said he was sorry, and she truly believed he had meant it, but it was one thing they were going to have to discuss if they ever found themselves heading back toward friendship. She had doubts that that would happen, but if it did, he would have to understand that her trust in him was shaken.

As she rested back on her couch to regain some of her equilibrium, Mac knew she didn't feel any less guilty about either Harm or Clay. She did, however, vow to try to let go of some of it. Clay was right, not everything was her fault…and she needed to find a way to believe that.

But of course, wasn't that all part of being an alcoholic?

She felt guilty about everything.

End Chapter 12