Change is terrifying, and scary. While being apart from Cain may be very beneficial to me, I'm trying to figure out the pros and cons. It's hard, when I don't even know where to begin. What will change and how much will change, once we are inevitably apart? What can I discover about myself without him, that I can't with him? Mom told me about her time in New Vegas, away from my dad. While she did seemingly have a great time, there was a sad undertone to it all. That while she's happy she got to do it, she would have enjoyed it better had he joined. Can I have the strength my mom had? Can I part from Cain as easily as mom did dad? I know there won't be a reunion with him if we part. Mom claimed she wasn't sure she'd ever see my dad again either, after leaving for New Vegas. I think she lied to me. I think she very well knew one day she'd see him again, and the only reason she came back was for him. Sometimes, maybe in this world, it's okay to have someone and be together with them for a while. Maybe being alone and fiercely independent in this world isn't as important as everyone claims. Maybe it's okay to lean on someone, and grow together, rather than grow alone and merge later. I don't know. My head hurts.

Absentmindedly lost in my own thoughts, I don't realize I act on impulse and reach for Cain's hand. I don't realize I'm holding it until I feel his fingers wrap around mine. Slowly, I feel tingles go from my fingertips to my chest. We walk, neither one of us missing a beat, but I feel his hand around mind, and a light squeeze as his thumb tickles the back of my hand. We don't look at one another, we don't change our pace. We don't do much of anything, and yet, we both accept this small token of peace. I don't know what it means, as Cain is hard to read, but I'll take what I can get, and accept that maybe he will miss me when we're apart. And maybe right now, we need a small reminder of the lives we had before we set forth on the lives we're supposed to have. I miss him, though. I miss him so much, it hurts inside. Because I truly did love him. And maybe, in some small way, I still do.

We slowly head south, towards the Super Duper Mart, and near Grayditch. I know I should let go of his hand, but the comfort it offers makes me not want to. Although it's going to make it even harder to part when we get to the Citadel.

"Cain?"

He grunts, acknowledging my words.

"…how do you know there's even a way to separate? What if there isn't one?"

Cain releases my hand, and the wind blows cold. It's a simple action, a simple move, but it makes my eyes water.

"They wouldn't create me, without a way to stop me."

Silence. The silence and stillness after his words echo softly, frightens me. The Capital Wasteland is different than the others. In the sense that you seek comfort in silence here, rather than danger. But now, in contrast to last night, I feel only emptiness and sorrow. The silence doesn't bring comfort this time, and the dust that picks up and swirls with the wind doesn't make me smile. I can nearly hear my heart beating.

"Where will you go after? What will you do?"

I want to know. I want to know what's so eager and important to him. I want to know why I've fallen from a place of importance in his mind.

"That's none of your business. It won't matter to you. Rather, it shouldn't matter what I do without you."

"…Yeah, I was just curious."

Cain carries on, while I stop and look out behind me, at Megaton slowly fading in the distance. In my mind, I beg my mother to give me advice. I plead with invisible forces to just let her talk to me. Let he give me whatever words of comfort or solace she can offer. The only person in the world who could guide me through this has passed on, and I'm not sure where to turn to. I'm not sure who to turn to. Would Gob know what to do? Could he have answered all of my questions before I left? Maybe it's not mom's advice I'm really after in the end. Maybe it's just hearing the sound of her soothing, serene and familiar voice that will comfort me. Maybe, I just wish I could be brave like her.

"Dizzy. Keep up."

I jog to catch up to Cain, and this time I purposefully reach out to take his hand. But, instead of accepting it, he pulls it away from me. It hurts more than him letting it go.

"We should rest when we get to Falls Church. You didn't sleep, and if there's enemies at the Citadel Ruins, you'll need your energy to face them."

He says while I'm still busy wondering why he's being so cold. I mean, him being cold isn't anything new to happen in the past few years but…now it's just starting to really bother me. I guess I'm a bit delayed in these reactions.

"Enemies? What kind?"

I'm so used to viewing the Capital Wasteland as my home, that I've forgotten it's still a dangerous place to inhabit. That there's still slavers and raiders and a few big bugs and maybe some other new enemies. Maybe I shouldn't let my guard down so much.

"The same as before. The kind I was raised with."

Right. Last time we got to the ruins, there was a slew of people from there that Cain had grew up with. Well, not 'grew up' per say, but lived with. Cain was the only one taken to an actual 'home', thanks to mom and dad. The rest were destined to fend for themselves, and subsequently harbored anger towards Cain about this, despite him having no choice in the matter. Most became raiders, but I'm unsure of what happened to those who didn't. Maybe they died? Regardless, Cain is right. The closer we get to the Citadel, the more danger we're in.

"Wouldn't they have destroyed everything by now, though? I mean, beneath the Citadel. It's been decades, so there's probably not much to go through."

To me it seems obvious. The Citadel ruins weren't in any lockdown after we had left before, and things were just lying about all willy-nilly for anyone to loot or trash. It just seems unlikely that anything of value would still have survived.

"You're wrong."

Cain states with no explanation. Well. Alright then.

"How do you know?"

"Because where I was created, where the research was held, is locked away from the rest of the facility. It's behind a thick, steel door, accessed only by password and protected by security."

"And you don't think some jacked-up raider didn't smash the keypad to get in?"

"You'll see, Dizzy."

Plan B to convince Cain to give up this asinine trek has failed. Great. In the still silence as we walk, the only thing that makes any noise is our footsteps, and the wind hitting my ears. At first the silence was a welcome comfort. But now, I'm not so sure. Ahead of me, Cain walks with stiff stillness, and I wonder what it is that pulled us apart? What happened exactly? I want to, need to know so that maybe I can find a way to fix it. So that maybe I don't have to do it alone. Is it dependence, or fear that makes me want him to stay? Or is it because I'll just genuinely miss him? Because deep down, I love him still, and don't want to lose him. Maybe the sooner I accept it's that, the sooner I can find a way to repair everything that's happened.

"Cain?"

Without words he looks back at me, walking, straight towards his goal. Sleepiness overcomes me but I drudge onward. I've slowed him down enough, and if I have to force him to stay then it defeats the purpose. I want Cain to stay because he wants to stay. Not because I'm forcing him.

"What happened? Why…why are we doing this? I just want to know. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this yet."

There. There I said it and goddamn if it wasn't hard. I stop walking and let the heavy wind hit me full blast. If it wasn't for my armor, I'd have a chilly shudder. But I feel nothing but warm radiation and tears welling in my eyes as I water waiting for him to answer.

"Cain!"

I shout this time, growing impatient. Cain stops walking and stands with his back to me. The wind picks up. There's a storm moving in. It's never this windy unless there's a storm.

"We don't have time for this."

He says, still not facing me. Still not looking back.

"I just want to know what happened. I just want a chance to try."

"You're only scared because soon you'll be alone. You don't want to try, Dizzy. We don't have time for this. Come on."

Time. It's always about time as if we're not some ethereal beings meant to outlive any human. As if we're not ageless like my mother and father. I need mom and dad right about now. Looking up to the sky, in a bizarre mixture of tired and stressed, I yell. Not at anyone or anything in particular but because sometimes, you just need to. You just need to yell and let it all out.

But my yelling causes Cain to stop walking once more and turn round. He's not worried, worried isn't the expression shown on his face. It's concern, mixed with hurt, and a bit of pain, too.

"I just wanted to get it out."

I tell him even though he doesn't ask. He says nothing for the moment, but stares me down with those icy eyes. We share those eyes. Looking at Cain, I feel like I'm looking at myself.

"You need to rest. When we get to Falls Church, we can stop for a few hours."

Falls Church Metro. It's right beside the Citadel. Resting there would ensure that when I woke, we would be at the ruins in less than an hour. Why? Why can't he let me rest now, so I can just put off this entire ordeal while I figure out what I want? While I try to determine if I'm truly just scared of being alone, or if I still love Cain as I once did? But I know I've wasted enough of his 'time', and he won't play by my rules. He needs me, but this far away from Megaton, I know that he'll continue on without me and risk shutdown if I don't follow. He won't comply with me out here, on his terms. I have no choice but to keep following him, yards behind, begging my mother and father to please, please just help me. I need them. I need them so much.