I'm back, bitches! I finally finished all of my (bleeped words) finals! That means I can update for you guys again with our reularly scheduled programming. I'm sorry finals put the story behind, but now they're OVER FOREVER (except, you know, for next year). As always, thanks for all the reviews, you guys are all totally super awesome. And now, the reason why you came here: THE NEW CHAPTERS!
Also more swearing. Enjoy.
Hannibal's idea to go for a walk had seemed like a good idea at the time, but as Abigail, Hannibal, and Will moseyed into the garden Will realized he had no idea what to talk to Abigail about. What did he know about teenage girls?
"So... Abigail... do you like Justin Beiber?" asked Will hesitantly.
"I'm seventeen, Mr. Graham," Abigail replied disparagingly.
"Ah. So you like Mads Mikkelsen, then?" Will tried again.
"I like Benedict Cumberbatch," Abigail told him.
"Oh. Isn't that a brand of British biscuits? Or do they call them chips?"
"I believe they call French fries chips. The British are a strange, unlikable people," Hannibal added helpfully, side glancing at Will who flicked him off while Abigail wasn't looking.
"Wow, you know so much about Europe, Dr. Lecter," Abigail said admiringly, with only a hint of sarcasm. "What else do you know?"
"I know I'm definitely not going to murder you later on in the series," Hannibal assured her.
"Thank god," said Abigail, looking relieved. "I was worried about that. You guys need a strong female character, right?"
"I believe that's why Alana Bloom changed genders," Hannibal told her. "That makes you expendable and perfect for my evil plan that I have definitely not started yet. I am definitely not going to make Will swallow your ear, Abigail. There is no chance of that."
"Good," Abigail said with a smile. "That's swell, Dr. Lecter. And also not a strangely specific denial."
"So, Abigail, I'm sorry your mom died and stuff," Will said, making everything all awkward.
"I saw him kill her," Abigail said, making things even more awkward, plus depressing now.
"He was loving up until the second he wasn't," Abigail continued.
"This is really depressing, can't we just talk about football or something?" asked Will.
"What's football?" asked Hannibal curiously.
"Oh come on!" yelled Will. "You fricking know what FOOTBALL is! They have football in Bosnia and Herzegovina, I know it!"
"Oh, you're Bosnian?" asked Abigail. "I thought you were from Yugoslavia."
"That's not even a country anymore," Hannibal said, barely hiding his anger. "I am from...! I'm from..."
Hannibal face turned blank.
"Uh..." he continued, looking desperate now. "It's- it's one of the Baltic states!"
"The what?" asked Will and Abigail simultaneously.
"There's Latvia... Estonia... and- and Lichtenstein? Lebanon? Fuck, I forgot!"
"Ha! Hannibal forgot where he's from, Hannibal forgot where he's from!" Will sang, jabbing his fingers at Hannibal and making rude noises.
"It's not funny!" Hannibal yelled back.
"It's a little funny," Abigail muttered.
There was a lull in the conversation as Hannibal departed from the room, in the middle of an existential crisis.
"So, um, you uh, doin' fun stuff in the crazy hospital?" asked Will.
"I'm worried about nightmares," Abigail said distantly.
"I am, too," Will told her.
"So killing someone, even if it's for the right reasons, really feels that bad?"
"It's the ugliest thing in the world. Except for Jimmy Price."
"Yeah, he's pretty ugly," agreed Abigail.
"HEY!" came Price's offstage voice as the scene changed, because that's what happens when you run out of deep, trippy things to say on your weird, artsy horror TV show.
Will and Hannibal left the hospital together for reasons that the producers merely called 'slash bait.' Freddie Lounds was waiting with a stack of CDs.
"Hi, want to buy some of my CDs? I've left the fanfiction business, the world wasn't quite ready for Jack CrawfordXWinston."
"Of god," Will muttered, looking as though about to vomit.
"So now," Freddie continued without heed, " I'm singing covers. Here's my cover of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit.' I think I could be the next Kurt Cobain."
"Uh, Ms. Lounds-" Hannibal began.
"Don't," Will said. "Don't tell her. Let her find out on her own."
"But-"
"No..." Will whispered. "No..."
"Uh, right, well, I also have version of Blitzkrieg Bop," said Freddie, fishing out a CD.
"Now she's just making shit up," Will muttered to Hannibal. "Plus CDs are a dying medium. Get onto iTunes like regular person."
"iTunes is for pretentious douchebags. DIY, bitch!" yelled Freddie.
"I no longer have any idea what you're talking about," Hannibal said. "This is my TV show and you are ruining it, Ms. Lounds. Let's cut to the next scene while I figure out where the fuck I'm from."
The next two scenes were stupid so Hannibal skipped them, too.
"Here we are at Abigail's house with Abigail!" Will announced.
"Why're you telling everyone that?" asked Alana Bloom from the backseat.
"Cuz Hannibal cut out all of the exposition."
"It was boring and unnecessary," Hannibal said. "And you all are behaving most rudely. And you know what I do to the rude?"
"Have sex with them?" asked Alana.
"Pin your crimes on them?" suggested Will.
"Murder them and feed their ear to their father figure?" Abigail guessed.
Hannibal sighed. "I remembered where I'm from, by the way. It's Lithuania."
"That sounds boring," Will said dismissively, exiting the car that they were in that had not been previously mentioned but will now be mentioned because of the need for some sort of environment. It had been mentioned Alana was in the back seat so through inductive reasoning you probably could have figured it out but now it has been explicitly stated and will no longer only be a hypothesis in the mind of the reader.
The other three exited the car.
"You hear Freddie's cover of Voodoo Chile? It's actually less racist than I initially assumed it would be-" Abigail began but her mouth snapped shut as she saw the graffiti on the garage door of her garage.
CANNIBALS
In the background Hannibal put on a pair of rad sunglasses, gave a nod full of swag, and muttered, "hashtag yolo, hashtag eat the rude."
"Screw you," Abigail muttered back. "Creepbag."
"Accomplice," Hannibal countered.
"Murderer."
"Fatso."
Hannibal looked genuinely offended by the last one and looked in the mirror of the car window.
"Maybe I should swim more... That could only end well for me."
"At least you don't die," muttered Abigail.
Inside the house everything was really depressing and bloodstained, mostly because Hannibal kept coming back to kill more people there since his house was getting crowded. He was sure Garett Jacob Hobbes wouldn't have minded.
Abigail wandered around numbly while the three adults watched her with varying levels of concern.
"If you ever want to go, just listen to Alana's flow. Just say the word and we'll leave here like a bird," Alana told Abigail sort-of comfortingly.
"And go where? The hospital?" asked Abigail listlessly.
"Yeah sister homie, that'd be the plan. Unless of course you wanna go to Bob's Funland."
"Wait, we could go to Bob's Funland? Why the hell aren't we there right now?" asked Will angrily.
"Budget," said Alana with a shrug.
"You didn't rhyme that with anything," said Hannibal.
"It's cuz of the budget, damn we broke like the pudgeit."
"You just made a word up."
"Rappers do it all the time, and they say I got sick rhymes," Alana countered.
"The only person to say you have sick rhymes would be Helen Keller," muttered Abigail.
"What was that, spit it back?" Alana asked.
"Oh, nothing. Maybe you should collaborate with Freddie and do an Eminem song or something is all," suggested Abigail with an evil smile.
"Oh, god no, she's gonna do it now," groaned Will as Alana hurriedly pulled out her phone to call Freddie Lounds. Cuz she totally has Freddie's number. I see you questioning the logic. Stop it... Stop it. Relax. This is a break from the real world where things suck all the time. Just sit back and enjoy the crackfic. Enjoy not doing school/work right now. Relax. Take a few deep breaths. In... Out... How was your day today? You feeling alright? It's good to see you here, I'm so glad you're reading this. You're looking good, too, reader, have I mentioned? You're so very attractive and wonderful. I'm glad we're all here on this planet today. It's a good day to be alive. Take another few deep breaths. Okay, let's get back to it.
"What did it feel like? To be him?" asked Abigail, referring to her cannibalistic serial killer father who murdered her mother and then attempted to murder her.
"It felt like," Will began thoughtfully, popping several pills, "talking to a shadow suspended on dust. Or something. Who the fuck writes this, anyways? A shadow suspended on dust? Really? What does that even mean?"
"It's deep," Hannibal said with a shrug. "And it sounds very intelligent."
"But it doesn't mean anything," Will pointed out.
"Why're we here again?" asked Abigail.
"Oh, right!" said Alana. "I'll spit it tight. Your pop had to kill ya cuz he was feelin' the heat. Another serial killer was callin' him on repeat. Turns out Hobbes isn't the only killer in the house, cuz we still got the Chesapeake Ripper and he's deadly and silent as a mouse. You heard him on the phone wantin' to talk to yo pa. So tell me, who was he and did he know ya?"
"There's more than one serial killer on the loose?" demanded Abigail. "What're we doing in my house? Shouldn't you guys be out fighting crime?"
"I can't catch a serial killer every single episode," Will said. "I mean, how many serial killers are there? Seriously, if you watch the show there's like fifty in any given city."
"Maybe we should just sort through some boxes," suggested Hannibal. "I believe that we are only achieving further alienation from the actual storyline."
"Well, you should never disagree with someone from Germania," Will said.
"I AM NOT FROM ROMAN TIMES!" yelled Hannibal.
"Technically he's from the tail end of Nazi power and WW2. Isn't that how it is in the original storyline, where he's got that sister and stuff and the movies were really bad?" Abigail wondered.
"Stop lampshading everything!" Will yelled.
"I want to yell something, too!" Alana screamed.
The group then descended into random squabbling from which they never recovered.
Abrupt ending is abrupt! I'll have the next chapter up in an hour or two.
You guys know what to do (:
