A/N: I am so sorry for the delay getting this chapter up. Part of this story is me actually going back and re-watching the episodes for plot points and I hadn't had the time in hectic schedule to properly sit down and do that (let alone get all the notes typed out into something coherent) This story is probably one of the hardest I have taken on, but I'm dedicated to seeing it through. It is all your reviews and follows that keep this going because I never honestly thought there would even be remote interest in what is going on in this story. That being said, we are finally getting through the emotional upheaval and should be back on the track for a body count. After this chapter it will skip ahead a few episodes. My biggest concern has always been with the story arcs in the show, I want to stay true to them but keep the AU that this story is going. Everything is Rizzles and nothing hurts (unless Maura wants it to)
Physical remnants are what we cling to. They are found in every desperate touch and breath shared between us. Gone are lingering, loved filled gazes and caresses that set fire to skin. There is no longer the commitment to memory of every curve and dip of our bodies. Her eyes stay hidden. They no longer find mine in precipice moments. Lips no longer soothe hot, grazed skin; marks stay in their place instead.
Shades of black, red, and blue.
It is wanton. It is a desperation to feel anything; to provoke something tangible. That maybe in the abject parts of this we can find a way back to what we once were. And as each day passes, I'm afraid that I am coming apart. Words between us have yet to give way in the days since I came home to find Jane. Every construct we have built and pieced together is unraveling. The whites of her eyes stare into the darkest nights at their core. And in brief instances where they meet with mine, I can catch glimpses of her; bits of lust and fear mixed. A reminder of what we have left.
We once burned bright, but we have burned out.
We are ashes.
Our bodies stay tangled in place until she pulls us apart. And I'm not sure it is relief I feel or fear as being left alone settles around me. If hanging on to this is worth the growing void between us or if I'd rather her desperate breaths beside my ear tell me that I'm not welcome here.
But I'd steal her tongue before she could ever utter the words.
I press my palms hard against my eyes until bits of light spark in the darkness to quiet the voice that has grown louder in my head. In a perfect world my name would never fall from Jane's lips and her mind wouldn't be burdened by my misgivings.
So instead we hold in this pattern with no discernible beginning or end to us. I am stranded in memories of what we once were and I can't be rescued by the one person I need most. And I fear as the vacancy beside me grows, the tendency for nights of violence do along with it. The ache in my chest is sharp. It closes in around me; gathering and weakening me. It has set me adrift and I fear for what may come of it as it steals any ounce of will that I have with every beat.
Jane is gone, likely on the couch, and this is how we spend our nights; crossing each other in the dark and yet I can't leave. I can't walk away; not fully. So we carry on, another episode, fooling ourselves into an idea of a happy ending.
I begin to gather my clothes and as I get dressed I question where Jane fell in love with me. At what point her heart shifted. I wish I could pinpoint the palpitation, understand the moment and bury it away deep in locket to wear around my neck and keep it close to my own heart.
I want to understand when every word that passed her lips became poetry and every cell of my being was ingrained with hers. I want to make sense of all things I have no answers for.
Frustrated, I run my hands through my hair before slipping my shirt over my head and wish for soft kiss from her lips so that I may sleep; a silent plea I yearn for to quiet something lethal building inside of me.
The light from the TV flickers in the living room. Boxes have gradually begun to disappear. I would like to believe that it is because Jane is feeling better, feeling more like herself, but the reality is she needed the room after a delivery from Frost and Korsak.
I stand in front of the dummy. Life size with no real chance of living. I push my finger into its chest. It swings back at me lifelessly and an image of Crowe invades my mind; his body swinging like a pendulum.
I notice a box on the ground. It holds a tangle of Christmas lights. I nudge it gently with my foot and wonder if Jane had intended on getting a tree only to abandon the idea.
Kneeling, I pull the string of lights and quietly begin circling a silent partner in the corner of Jane's living room. I have never taken much stock in the idea of Christmas. My adoptive parents were too busy with their own lives to notice the holiday.
I was eight. I sat in my room with my nose cold and pressed against a fogged window while my parents played hosts downstairs. I watched Paris through a twinkling of lights and snow. I listened to carolers sing L'enfant au tambour' and wished for my father to come to my room and ask if I wanted to go outside. In my fantasy he would hoist me up on his shoulders and we would sing along as I tried to catch snowflakes on my tongue.
I would wish and daydream, hoping for a knock on my door that never came.
I begin at the head, wrapping from its crown to neck and tighten. I can feel a small snarl tug at my lip as I move on to the torso and then around each joint until it is bind and bound. I plug in the lights and a flickering of colors light up the the corner. Behind me I can feel Jane; the warmth of her body against my back as her arms circle my waist and small kiss presses behind my ear.
I stiffen at the contact. It is a burning moment and for once it is not one fraught with lust or abandonment, but rather one of compassion and love.
It is a moment threading us. Something we had lost and have only found in pieces.
"I like this." she says quietly against my ear.
I hum in agreement as I lull my head back against her shoulder. Her grip tightens around my waist and soft lips press against my neck.
"This seems more your style than a tree."
Jane chuckles and moves around me; her fingertips moving slowly across the small of my back.
It feels so natural.
"It does, doesn't it?" she flashes a small smile as she moves around the dummy, examining it; "I was going to get a tree, but-.."
She waves off her thought.
"But what?"
Jane pokes absently at a small light; "But I wanted to-.." she lets out sad sigh; "I wanted to get it and decorate it with you but what would be the point if you weren't going to be around?"
"And why wouldn't I be?" I question.
She shrugs and takes my hands into her own. Her eyes stay fixed on the ground. Jane is strong and decisive regarding so much, but matters of the heart leave her lost.
Open and vulnerable.
A notion of empathy swells inside me and the feeling is familiar.
"I feel like I've used you." she says quietly.
I dip my head to meet Jane's eyes. My thumb runs over the back of her knuckles.
"I know that isn't the case."
Her eyes flick up to mine; "That doesn't take away from the fact that I feel like I did."
I sigh; "Then if that is the case, I used you as well. We've been lost, Jane."
I can see the slightest quiver of her lip.
"But that doesn't mean we can't find our way back. We coped. We were hurting and we coped."
Jane remains silent and I wish to arrange these crucial parts of us. That we can find the other and we can be guided back to what we were together months ago in a life that seems distant.
"You almost died." I say.
Jane looks at me. She truly looks at me as the words hang in the air.
She nods and I pull on her hands gently and she steps towards me. I cup her cheek and my thumb traces the line of her jaw.
Jane pulls me into a tight hug and kisses my temple.
"I'd die for you." she says resolutely.
Lost hours and days are gone. Deconstructed parts of us move in a chaotic state. They form and fuse back together, piece by piece into something new.
"So would I."
She leans back and midnight eyes search mine and I hope she can see the honesty of my words reflected back.
We stay silent for a moment, lost in a look as we sway in each other's embrace. I know there is more. It is Casey and every ounce of loss that she won't speak of. I give the subject a wide berth for her sake and my own. If Jane wishes to talk about it, I will listen but exercise silence when the time comes.
For now this is about the shooting.
His body burns likes a bridge.
About us.
She kisses me and I can feel her smile. The skin and muscle over her bones move and contract into something joyous.
We have found our way back.
"I love you."
I want to hold on to the words.
I want to wrap my hands around her throat and capture every word and breath there.
I clench my jaw, forcing a smile and push the intruding thought away; "And I love you."
She wraps her arm around my shoulder and places a chaste kiss on top of my head.
"Stay tonight."
I hesitate. My mind reels and races back from dark recesses. I can feel myself grow anxious.
"The gala is tomorr-"
She silences me with a kiss.
"That is tomorrow. Let it stay there. Right now I just want you."
Her hand cups my cheek and she gently sweeps strands of hair away from my forehead. Her features soften and she smiles.
And Jane see's me. She looks through me to the darkest parts whether she is conscious of it or not.
There was a time I was able to carry a look so deceiving, but not anymore. I watch her eyes search mine and the feeling warms me. Jane see's me. I show through cracks and she has taken on the bloodied parts of my past and only loved me more. She has put parts of me at rest and has left me to question who I am. It is confusing and liberating the upheaval she has caused. I want to beat down the urge pulling at me. She trusts me, and it is such a difficult idea to take on. She has laid herself down broken at my feet and looked for forgiveness but carries no fault.
I put the weight entirely on myself and bear it. It is the least I can do. That if I can protect Jane in the ways she has protected me that I set some part of this darkened life right.
"You have me."
Intrinsically.
