UPDATE: Nothing new, just went through and fixed some spelling/grammar errors. I'm hoping to have another chapter ready for you guys by the end of April or begining of May. I apologize a million times over for being so slow in updating, but thank you so much for your reviews and support.
Peeta is cautious when he begins to explore my body with his hands. His eyes never leave mine as he leaves trails of goose bumps behind with every touch. I let out a squeaking sound when his fingers reach my lower back. He jerks his hand away looking preoccupied but I give him a reassuring smile.
"It just tickled." I say letting out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding.
"You will tell me if any of this makes you uncomfortable, right?" he asks.
I nod and lead his hand back to the last spot it touched. He continues to draw paths with his fingers and they fingers trail the seam of my shirt and linger there for a while until he moves elsewhere. It's like this for a few nights before his hands finally wander under my shirt.
We don't do anything past exploring each other's bodies under the covers and shed a few items of clothing during hot nights but with every touch I feel something inside me stir and soon enough I long to have him closer, I feel the hunger growing. I decide to take the pills my mother sent me but make no mention of it to Peeta.
I wake up one morning to the sound of knocking at my door. It's one of the days when Peeta doesn't open the bakery so his arms are still tightly wrapped around me. I try to untangle myself from him but he just pulls me closer, a gesture that brings a smile to my face.
"Peeta…someone's at the door…" I say softly.
"Let them knock. They'll leave eventually. It's probably just Haymitch anyway."
"I don't want to be rude. I'll come back to bed when I see who it is and what they want okay?" I say and he finally lets go.
"I'm holding you to that."
Peeta sits up and I feel his eyes on me as I get dressed.
"What?"
"You're beautiful." He says.
His words are so simple but they still manage to make my cheeks burn furiously because I still find it difficult to take compliments, especially from him.
I give him a smile before walking out of the room.
When I open the door my heart almost stops and my mind goes blank.
Her gray eyes have a spark in them, and she doesn't look as tired as she did last time I saw her.
"Hazelle—" I barely manage to choke out her name before she has me wrapped in a hug.
"Katniss! It's so good to see you."
She looks different, less worn, and younger. I'd almost forgotten how much of a looker she was because her beauty had been eclipsed by her fatigue, her struggle to keep her children fed.
"I hope I'm not intruding, Gale is here on business, and I thought I'd come see how you were doing."
"Gale…he's here?"
"Oh, he said he might give you a call. Guess he didn't." She says.
There's an awkward moment between us as she stands at my door and I struggle to process the fact that she is actually here until we hear Peeta's heavy steps on the stairs.
"Katniss? What did Haymitch want?"
"It's…not Haymitch." I say.
"Sorry, I'm being rude, come on in Hazelle." I say opening the door wide for her to finally come in.
When Peeta sees her, his eyes widen but hers light up. From what I understand, when we were in 13 she became fond of him.
"Peeta! Look at you, you look so healthy!" she says and wraps him up and a hug.
Peeta finally smiles and returns her hug.
"Rory, Vick, and Posy with you?" he asks but she shakes her head.
"The kids stayed back in District 2 with Johanna."
I struggle not to burst into laughter when she mentions Johanna and the image of her taking care of children makes it's way into my head.
"Johanna is in 2 as well?" Peeta asks.
"Yeah she joined us a few weeks back when a job opened and Gale offered it to her."
"Gale is here?"
"Yes, he's at the new Justice Building right now. I'm so sorry to show unannounced but I thought he'd called." She says sounding mortified.
"It's not a problem, it's good to see you."
I'm thankful for Peeta's ability to hold the conversation because it seems I've forgotten how to talk altogether. I leave them in the living room and make my way to the kitchen where I take deep breaths and pull myself together before returning with a cup of tea for Hazelle.
"Oh, thank you, Katniss, you needn't have bothered."
I giver a weak smile as I take my seat next to Peeta.
"Katniss, I was just telling Hazelle, she and Gale are more than welcome to join us for dinner tonight. Maybe we can all catch up?" he says.
I nod, afraid if I try to speak my voice will betray me.
"Are you sure it's no trouble?" she asks looking at me.
I know what she is really asking though. She wants to know if I've forgiven Gale, if I'm okay with seeing him.
"Yes, I'll have Haymitch and Greasy Sae and her granddaughter stop by too." I say and hope that my voice is steady, because to be honest the answer in no, I'm not ready to see Gale face to face, but I decide it's now or never.
When Hazelle leaves Peeta turns to me and I can see he's worried.
"Peeta, I'll be fine." I tell him wrapping my arms around his neck.
He nods and places a kiss on my forehead.
"I know you will." He says pulling away from me.
"I'll go see Haymitch, hopefully he can sober up enough to join us tonight." I say before walking out the door.
Haymitch's place is still a dump. The smell of spoiled food and alcohol saturate the air and I have to pinch my nose in order to stop myself from gagging.
"Hey, sweetheart. What brings you here today? Fight with your boy? Bringing your old mentor some gifts in the form of clear liquor?"
"None of the above."
"Well, if you ain't got liquor, you might as well leave."
"Hazelle and Gale are in town." I say and he raises an eyebrow.
"Are you ever going to stop having boy problems?" he says shaking his head.
"We're having them over for dinner, and Peeta and I would like you to be there." I tell him.
"Well, well, this should be awful entertaining. You going to come drink with me afterwards like you did when Blondie was visiting? Or will it be Peeta's turn?" He says.
I shake my head and groan just thinking of that night and the massive headache I endured the morning after.
"No one will be drinking."
He gives me a questioning look.
"You don't count." I say and I hear him chuckle before I leave.
When Hazelle and Gale arrive I'm still upstairs getting dressed. I'm so nervous I can feel myself shake, and the fact that I've spoken to Gale on the phone does nothing to ease my anxiety. I take a few deep breaths and tell myself that everything will be fine, before making my way downstairs.
I find Gale sitting on the couch helping Greasy Sae's granddaughter draw something. He looks up when he hears me, and his gray eyes meet mine. My heart stops and I find myself wanting to run back upstairs to hide, but he gives me a soft smile and it makes my anxiety disappear.
"Hey there Catnip, you didn't think you could sneak up on me did you?" he says as he stands up and walks toward me.
"I wasn't trying to." I say before we wrap our arms around each other in a tight embrace.
Suddenly, with Gale's arms around me, I'm aware of how empty a part of my heart had been. The part reserved for my hunting partner, my best friend. We are still hugging when Haymitch walks in the door.
"Oh, goody, just in time for the show am I?" he says loudly.
I let go of Gale and give Haymitch a glare.
"Hey there old man, you're looking rough as usual." Says Gale.
"And you're looking less broody than usual. Weird, is it this girl or did you finally find yourself a different one?"
Gale let's out a nervous chuckle and dismisses Haymitch's comment.
Haymitch takes a seat on the couch and Gale joins him when I excuse myself to go help in the kitchen.
Peeta has just put a batch of rolls in the oven, Greasy Sae is busy cooking some meat and Hazelle is chopping some onions and carrots.
"Would you like some help?" I ask.
"How about you and Peeta start setting the table? This here should be ready to serve in a few minutes." Says Greasy Sae.
Peeta and I grab a few plates and take them into the dining room.
He looks at me tentatively and I can feel he wants to say something but he keeps quiet. When the table is set I grab his hand and give it a small squeeze to let him know I'm fine.
"Peeta," I begin, but he stops me by placing his lips on mine.
Something about the urgency behind his kiss unsettles me. He holds me tightly against him as his lips move against mine and he hesitates to let go, as if he thinks I will disappear, as if he thinks this kiss might be our last. That's when I realize he's not worried about what Gale's presence might do to me. He's worried about what it might do to us.
Everyone talks during dinner; I mostly just keep quiet and listen to what they have to say. Peeta asks Gale about his job in District 2 and I must admit I'm surprised by how civilized they seem around each other. Hazelle discusses her job and the well being of her children. Peeta mentions Johanna and I notice Gale's cheeks turn red which takes me by surprise. The only time I ever saw him wear his emotions on his face was when he'd speak ill of the Capitol, and the one time he told me he loved me.
Gale offers to help clean up and refuses to take no for an answer.
"Have you told him yet?" he asks as he puts food away in the fridge.
"Have you told Johanna about your little crush?"
"What?"
"Don't play dumb." I say laughing.
"Jo and I are just friends." He says.
"Jo huh?"
"You jealous?" he jokes.
"No." I say becoming serious.
"I'm glad you came though." I say and turn to face him.
"I'm glad I came too."
He takes me in his arms, and I notice he doesn't radiate the anger he used to.
"Catnip…" he whispers and when I look up again into his gray eyes, I know what is about to happen, but I do nothing to stop it.
My mind goes blank and when Gale's lips touch mine, I feel nothing. The kiss is brief and I can't help but compare his lips to Peeta's, and the biggest difference is that Peeta's are the only ones I want to be kissing.
He pulls away and I avoid his gaze.
"I just had to know, I had to make sure there was nothing left."
"I love him." I whisper and he nods.
"I know."
I hear a loud crash outside the kitchen and when I walk out I discover Peeta has dropped the plates he was carrying and his mind has left him. His eyes are dark and he is looking at me like he did when he was first rescued from The Capitol, like he despises me. Peeta's flashbacks don't come often and when they do he recovers quickly, but this one is different. Haymitch holds him back as he tries to lunge at me and I break down in the corner of the room, closing my eyes and trying to tune out all the harsh things he is saying to me.
Gale is at my side trying to calm me down but I push him away. Greasy Sae grabs her granddaughter and Hazelle and they step out of the house when they realize what is happening.
"Mutt! You'll never change! It wasn't enough when you broke my heart, you won't stop until I'm dead!" he keeps saying and struggling against Haymitch.
Peeta turns his gaze towards Gale and the fire in his eyes is terrifying. I've never seen him so angry, he is so far gone I'm afraid I'll never get him back.
"He's here to help you finish me off, isn't he?"
He continues to struggle against Haymitch and when it seems the old drunk has had enough he punches him knocking him unconscious.
I hear him hit the floor and even after all the angry words he's just said to me, I worry that he's really hurt and I run to his side pushing Haymitch away.
"Get away from him!"
In the back of my mind I know there's no way Haymitch's fist could cause that much damage but I press my ear to his chest listening for his heart.
"That boy wasn't going to stop, don't be mad at me for saving your ass, sweetheart." He says.
"Help me get him upstairs." I say through my tears.
Haymitch and Gale carry Peeta upstairs and lay him down on the bed.
"Katniss," Gale begins when we are downstairs again and Haymitch has left. I know that tone, I know what's coming and I don't want to hear it.
"Don't." I say glaring at him.
"You don't know what I'm going to say."
"You want to say this is no place for me, you want to say he's dangerous, he could kill me."
His eyes bore into mine but I don't look away.
"I gave up on him in District 13 but he still found his way back to me. He's always found his way back to me." I say.
"So what happens when he's so far gone you can't get him back? What happens if when he wakes up he still wants to kill you?"
"I will look after him until he returns to me."
"You really do love him then?"
I nod. Hazelle walks in the door looking worried. She asks how Peeta is and we tell her he should be fine once he wakes up. Gale tells me they will be leaving for District 12 at sunrise and they stay with me until I begin to nod off on the couch. I hear Hazelle say goodbye as she covers me with a blanket.
"Take care of yourself, Catnip." Gale whispers before he place a kiss on my forehead.
"Gale," I say grabbing his hand and pulling him close.
"Tell her." I say looking into his eyes.
"She's so difficult." He says letting out a sigh.
"Tell her." I say again before closing my eyes and falling into a deep sleep.
I wake up covered in sweat throughout the night, each time from a different nightmare. I want so bad to walk upstairs and lie down next to Peeta and have him wrap his arms around me, but he needs sleep and I don't want to wake him up. When I finally wake up in the morning I hear his footsteps upstairs and decide to check on him. I find him pacing in our room.
"Peeta, are you alright?" He stops becomes still at the sound of my voice.
"I suppose so." He says and I notice the edge in his voice.
"You kissed Gale last night, real or not real?" he asks looking up at me, his blue eyes clouded with confusion.
I feel as if his words have knocked the wind out of me. He saw us. He saw that meaningless kiss.
"Peeta…" I whisper and he flinches at the sound of my voice.
"Real or Not Real, Katniss?" he asks again.
I don't blame him for being jealous. I don't blame him for being angry; I don't blame him for the disappointment and hurt I see in his eyes.
My eyes begin to fill with tears and his question goes unanswered.
"Guess you're still not interested in asking for permission." He says recalling the conversation we had when he was trying to figure me out in District 13.
"No, that's not it, Peeta. That kiss—It wasn't what you think…it didn't mean anything" I struggle to find the words to explain what exactly Gale's kiss was.
"It was goodbye, Peeta. He knows…"
"He knows what Katniss? What is it he knows and I don't? Please explain it to me because I am tired of being kept in the dark about every thing." he asks raising his voice, frustrated.
"He knows I'm yours!" I fire back and he meets my gaze with wide eyes.
"He knows I'm yours, Haymitch knows I'm yours, Hazelle, Greasy Sae, her grand daughter, all of Panem knows I'm yours. Why don't you?" I say, my voice barely a whisper by the end.
He stares at me and I hold my breath as I wait for a response. In the blink of an eye he crosses the room, pinning me against the wall. For a second I think he might be having another flashback, but those thoughts disappear as his lips crash hard against mine. It's not like the others, this kiss, it's not gentle or cautious; it's hungry and desperate. He presses hard into me, every part of his body touching mine, and still somehow it feels like we cannot get close enough. The heat radiating between us, combined with the hunger that's been growing inside me, sets me ablaze and this is how I know that I'm ready, that I can't wait any longer to be his…all his. I had always looked at sex as a primal instinct sometimes driven by lust. But as my hands slip under his shirt, feeling every scar, every muscle I realize this is more than that, I need to be close to him.
I don't know how to let him know except by pressing my hips into his and pulling his shirt over his head. I kiss him everywhere, his neck his shoulders, his cheeks and he must see the wheels in head turning because very suddenly he stops and gently pushes me away.
"If you think you owe me something…you don't" he says looking into his eyes.
"I do. I owe you my life." I whisper.
He takes a step back.
"That's not why I'm doing this…" I say taking a step closer.
I grab his hand and place it over my heart. I'm no good with words; I'm better with actions so when I know he's felt how fast my heart is beating I place my lips on his again. We shed our clothes and for a while I become conscious of the hideous scars that cover my body. I lift my arms to cover my self up but he stops me.
"You are beautiful, your scars are beautiful."
We find ourselves in our bed, our bare bodies touching. His frantic kisses become cautious, tender, and when we finally become one and I let out a whimper, he places the the gentlest kiss on my forehead.
"We can stop." He says looking into my eyes.
I shake my head and biting my lips. I've felt pain before, the kind of burning pain that made me wish I were dead. This pain is different; this pain makes me happy to have survived. So I pull his lips down to mine and encourage him to continue.
He whispers words of reassurance in my ear; he tells me he loves me and eventually the pain goes away.
I think about how right this feels and this is how I know this would have happened anyway. That what I need to survive is not Gale's fire kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again and only Peeta can give me that.
So after when I'm wrapped in his arms and he whispers, "You love me. Real or not real?"
I tell him, "Real"
