A Time for Joy
"What the hell is that?" Lou asked around the peppermint stick clenched between her teeth, hands on hips, as she stepped out on the bunkhouse porch.
"What the hell is what?" Jimmy asked from the ranch yard.
"Jimmy Hickok," she threatened.
"It's a dog," Jimmy said defensively, reaching down to pat the giant head that was as high as his hip.
"Mmm...if you say so." Lou continued, "I guess my actual question is why?"
"Well, cause that's how God made him."
"You are a funny, funny man," she said in a voice that sounded anything but amused.
"I know it. Some might say hilarious."
The dog whined and Jimmy looked down at him and explained in a voice intended for her ears, "Women are superficial creatures, Zeus. The sooner you learn that the better. I'm not gonna lie. You ain't got good looks. That's true enough, but we can't let that get us down. Some of us got to work harder for a lady's attention, that's all. We gotta prove our worth over and over again before they see our true value."
He thought Lou could probably see the back of her brain by rolling her eyes that far. "Jimmy, you ain't never had to work to get a lady's attention a day of your life with that pretty face and you know it."
"Damn it Lou, you're just gonna make him feel bad about himself if you keep pointing out how much more handsome I am."
Despite what he could tell was her absolute determination not to, a laugh got past her. She glared reproachfully at Jimmy and sat down on the bunkhouse porch, clicking her tongue once.
It was all the encouragement Zeus needed and he abandoned Jimmy's side and bounded to Lou joyfully, collapsing on his side and presenting his belly in wiggly anticipation.
"Jesus, Zeus you ain't got a shred of dignity, you know that?" Jimmy muttered as Lou rubbed the ecstatic dog's belly. "How are you supposed to claim your place as her respectable guard dog actin' a fool right in front of her?"
Lou giggled without restraint as she continued petting the dog. "Some killer..."
Jimmy sighed and crouched on the porch, scratching the dog too.
"You got me a guard dog?" she finally ventured and he looked up from the enormous mutt to find Lou studying him with an unreadable expression.
"Figure ain't nobody gonna sneak up on you day or night without Zeus here having something to say about it. And figure a body might hesitate or change his mind about causing trouble if he gets a look at him," Jimmy shrugged and was surprised when Lou's eyes filled with tears.
"Look, it ain't no big deal if you don't like him...I can find him another home," he said in dismay.
She sniffled, "No, you fool. I like him very much!"
"Then why are you crying?" Jimmy asked, confused. The dog sat up and whined in concern.
"Because I'm pregnant, damn it!" she growled as if that explained it, throwing her hands up and wiping her eyes.
"Oh," he said inadequately and tried not to make any sudden movements.
"Where did you get him?" she wondered when she brought herself under control.
"When I ran to town this morning to drop off my letter to Teaspoon about the Warners, I saw a man take a cane to him for no reason. Dog was just cowed down. Pitiful. I just...well, let's say that man now has twice as many canes, one less workin' eye for the next two to three days, and one less dog."
This time the tears actually escaped her eyes as she hugged the dog whose head was higher than hers as they sat side by side on the porch. Jimmy could feel the vibrations of the porch under his boots as the dog thumped his tail.
"Still pregnant?" he guessed this time about her outburst.
"Very," she sobbed, nodding.
And thus Zeus, who seemed some mix of wolfhound, shepard and possibly coyote, began his life as a ranch dog.
Later that day, she sat beside Jimmy on some hay bales in the barn as they ate the sandwiches he had made them both for lunch. She saw him sneak the dog the crust from his bread and cursed herself when the thought that she might cry again occurred to her.
Jimmy had not stopped trying to feed her since finding out that she was pregnant, or that she had a fear of running out of food, or some combination of those two things. His eyes were softer when he looked at her. Lou was pretty sure he was going to become unbearable quickly, but for now she would tolerate it.
It was actually nice that someone finally knew she was expecting and that he understood without her saying so that the stakes were extraordinarily high. He understood the pressure on her given this child would be all that was left of Kid in the world. She had been afraid that the knowledge of the pregnancy and her admission the baby was Kid's would loose a torrent of questions from Jimmy, but he had held his tongue thus far.
Zeus, after seeing Jimmy had nothing left of his lunch to share, had sprawled on his back with all four legs in the air. However, not much later, with no warning and speed that shocked Lou, the dog was suddenly up on his feet and barking madly as he ran out of the barn.
That deep-throated and powerful woof that seemed to resonate in Lou's own chest made Jimmy glance over at Lou smugly before they exited the barn to see what had the dog riled up.
She crossed her arms and walked out half a step behind Jimmy, letting his broad shoulders shelter her as they watched the approaching buckboard.
"I'll be damned," Jimmy said and Lou heard the smile in his voice without seeing his face. He let out a piercing whistle and Zeus turned on a dime and came bounding back to them, growling under his breath as if offended he had not been allowed to demonstrate his worth by eating the trespassers.
Lou squinted into the sun and recognized Paula from the store yesterday. Beside her was a tall, skinny man that immediately was familiar to her.
"Is that…" she began.
"I think it is," Jimmy still was grinning as they walked out into the yard to greet their visitors.
"But I thought…" Lou began and then said, "Didn't she call him Ned?"
Jimmy nodded. "She's gotta have ten years on him!" he grinned, and the smile on his face grew wider and wider as the wagon pulled up to them.
"Mrs. Paula," he nodded pleasantly and then, "Barnett...that really you?"
"Hickok?" he said in disbelief, but that was nothing compared to the shock on his face when he looked at Lou. Though he had known she was a woman, or at least Lou thought he had, he had only ever seen her fully disguised. "Lou?"
"The same...or mostly the same," Lou smiled and shielded her eyes from the sun. "It's been a long time, Barnett."
Paula had watched this exchange with fascination. Finally she looked at Lou, nodded at the pile of charred wood that was the old house and said, "Oh, honey. We heard about your home after you'd ridden out of town yesterday afternoon. We came to see what we could do to help. But first, well, I guess you better invite us in that little cabin so you can all tell me how in the world you all know each other!"
It took a good half-hour to sort things out. Jimmy, Barnett, and Paula carried the weight of the conversation, and Lou's eyes shifted from one to the next to the next, surprised at how easy it seemed between them. Jimmy and Barnett explained how they had met through Sam and Teaspoon. Barnett told them that he'd quit as deputy several years back because he didn't see eye to eye with Marshal Warner. Jimmy took the opportunity to let them in on his suspicions of the Warners being behind firing the house, asked Barnett what he thought of that theory.
"The Marshal makes the devil look like a schoolboy," Paula had put in and remembering his leering face, Lou had felt her skin crawl again. "And his Uncle and Cousin are as bad, if not worse...the elder has some control, but those younger two... It was a terrible day for Sweetwater when they rolled into town. They been buying up land...under the guise of grazing but I think it's speculation about the railroad."
"Great," Jimmy muttered, and she felt his worried gaze on her.
"Barnett, I never knew you was married," Lou said shyly as talk shifted.
"I wasn't back then. Me and Paula only been married about three years now. We got two little boys, Jake and Hunter-that one is named after Teaspoon...Paula wouldn't let me name him Teaspoon if you can believe that. Paula has three girls pretty as her from her first marriage."
"I was widowed," Paula explained.
"Sorry to hear that," Jimmy murmured and Lou again felt as much as saw the sidelong glance at her out of concern. She wanted to tell him that she was strong enough to hear a word without falling to pieces, damn it, but in fact her heart had thudded hard. Widowed.
"Don't be. He was an ass and I ain't missed him a minute. He wasn't like my sweet Ned is," Paula smiled and the look they exchanged was so full of love that pain clawed along Lou's insides.
"Ned?" Jimmy asked, trying to change the subject for her sake, which she appreciated. She flushed as she caught his eye. He shifted a little at her look of gratitude. "How you get Ned out of Barnett Hamilton?"
Paula smiled. "You know how he mutters. The first time I asked him his given name he was about too shy to croak it out, so I just caught, and misheard, the last bit; I thought he said Ned. I guess it was about three weeks before he found the guts to set me right and by that time he was just Ned to me. Never thought you could fall in love with a body and not even know his proper name."
Lou smiled automatically in response to Paula's grin, but her emotions turned precarious; she'd been feeling tearful all day and wasn't sure whether to attribute it to the baby, or the house burning down. Paula, for the first time, seemed to notice too. "What's wrong honey? You seem a little sad. The house?"
She shrugged and nodded, "Yes, just worried about the house I guess."
"Don't. Your man and Ned can have it fixed up long before that baby comes along."
"Paula...there's something…" Lou began with a helpless glance at Jimmy.
"We aren't married, Paula. We're just friends...more like family I guess," Jimmy supplied for her and when Paula cast a fiery glare at him, Lou quickly came to his defense.
"I was widowed too, Paula. Jimmy isn't the father of the baby...he...my husband also was an express rider before the war...Jimmy just has come to help me with the place for awhile."
She raised her eyes hesitantly to Paula's, wondering what the woman would think of her, a pregnant widow living alone with another man. It surprised her that she wanted Paula to think well of her. Other women, aside from Charlotte, Rachel and Emma, had always been a mystery to her, and she was not accustomed to kindness from other members of her sex. She usually didn't mind it so much any more; she felt alien and awkward in the presence of other women, but there was something about Paula that was tough and steady and admirable and Lou realized she wanted this woman as a friend.
Paula didn't say anything for an uncomfortable moment, then with tears rising in her almost violet eyes she rose and slid beside Lou on the bench at the table. She put both arms around Lou and drew her close in a hug.
"You poor, brave girl. And me and my big mouth. Ned's always warning me to hold my tongue and stop making assumptions I ought not make...I feel just awful for gushing on about Ned and how glad I was my first husband was dead...though it is God's truth...but I wouldn't have carried on so if I had known you were still nursing such a heartache. And to lose your man at such a time! You poor, sweet, darling girl."
"You couldn't have known," Lou said quietly, still held hard by the older woman.
"No, but that don't make me feel better about it." Paula sighed. She sat back a bit and Lou watched as she gave Jimmy a long, assessing stare. Jimmy fidgeted restlessly under her scrutiny. At length she murmured with approval, "I guess you're lucky to have such a good friend to help you."
"Yeah," Lou met Jimmy's eyes and smiled. "I am."
Jimmy decided that Paula could see straight into his soul after her appraisal of him during the conversation in the bunkhouse. Felt she knew every thought and secret he had, particularly in respect to Lou. He held his breath when he read the knowledge in her sharp eyes and felt nothing so much as relief when she opted to simply comment on his friendship with Lou. She then urged Barnett to get up so they could have a look at the burned house and see what they could do to help moving forward.
He and Barnett walked around the ruin, with Paula, Lou, and Zeus trailing along behind. There was not much in the way of salvageable material left. It would have to be cleared before they started anew. Barnett told him he'd come by tomorrow for a few hours to help him get started.
After he gave Paula a hand getting up on her wagon, she leaned down and patted his cheek with a wide smile. "Before I forget, you two, there's a social and dance in town on Saturday night. Might be a good way to reintroduce yourselves to Sweetwater, particularly if you are looking for someone to buy those horses you are planning on raising and training."
"That's a good idea, Paula," Jimmy acknowledged and glanced at Lou. "What do you say?"
"I...I don't know," she murmured, wiping her hands on her trouser legs as if they were suddenly dirty. Jimmy studied her closely, trying to pinpoint the cause of her reluctance.
"It might do you good to have a little fun, sweetheart," Paula insisted.
"It's just...it hasn't even been half a year since my husband died…"
Paula waited until Lou finally raised her gaze to hers before saying softly, "Louise, honey, I can tell by the fact a good woman like you grieves him that your husband was a good man who must have loved you very much. You think he'd resent you dancing a little, laughing a little? Just for one night?"
"No...he wouldn't...but what would people in town say if they knew?"
"First of all, I ain't sure how they'd know, and even if they did, who the hell cares what they think?"
"It just...I...I don't know if I can do it. If I'd feel right."
"You show up, we'll see if maybe the fun follows, how about that? Worst thing that can happen is that you don't like it and your friend here brings you right back home. Best case, you kick up your heels a little, smile for a little while...you're just a girl, honey. It's right you should have some joy, even if it don't feel right to you now."
"Come on, Lou. You been working so hard...let's give it a shot." Jimmy urged her, throwing his lot in with Paula.
Lou shrugged at last. "All right."
She had tried to back out of going at least three times, but Jimmy wouldn't hear of it and kept telling her she was going, for at least a little while. Friday, she found a package propped up against the bunkhouse door. She glanced around but Jimmy was not in sight; he'd mentioned he was riding the fences this afternoon. She'd been keeping the horses in close since the fire, but they'd need more grazing soon.
Zeus, who was forever at her heels these days, followed her into the bunkhouse where she untied the ribbon on the large box. Inside the package was a beautiful blue-green taffeta gown with black piping details. The bodice was cut off the shoulders, the skirt full enough to require two petticoats. It was cut high under the bust, it looked forgiving though the waist; she'd been worried that any of her old dresses would be too tight on her with the ever, and quickly, growing curve of her belly.
She found a note under the dress.
Believe it or not, I used to be able to squeeze myself into this dress back when I was a girl in Georgia. Like Dixie itself, those days are gone for me. I took it in a bit in the shoulders and hem, and removed the hoop, but I believe you might find it fits you well enough. If not, send for me and I'll make alterations; I'm handy with a needle.
Your Jimmy came by our farm the other day to ask me for help buying a dress for you (he turned red up to the top of his head when he tried to explain to me he didn't know how to buy a dress to accommodate your changing figure which gave me a chuckle and I do admit to deviling him about it some...a boy that handsome blushing is about the sweetest thing I ever saw), but I just thought you'd be so lovely in this color, so I asked him to let me give you this one as a gift. I hope you won't mind a hand-me down, but it's such a lovely dress and it would make me so happy to know you were enjoying it. -Paula
Bemused, Lou read the note several times, not sure how she felt about Paula and Jimmy's unholy union to get her to the damned dance. Still, it was a beautiful dress...finer than even her wedding gown and she took a moment to wonder a little about Paula's past. She seemed salt of the earth, a simple woman and a farmer's wife, but a dress that fine spoke of less humble beginnings. Maybe someday Paula would tell her about it...but she wouldn't ask. She knew the pain of thinking of the past acutely now, if she didn't before, and it was not in her to be intrusive.
The next night she stood staring at herself in front of the mirror in the bunkhouse for a very long time. The dress fit her as well as any she had ever owned in her lifetime. The color was the deep mysterious turquoise that she'd seen in paintings of restless seas. She'd pulled the sides of her hair up and away from her face and secured it in back with one of the silver hair combs Kid had bought her when he bought her the brush in Richmond, before the blockades had gotten under way and such frivolous things could still be found in the South. The comb had spent the last three years buried in the ground along with anything else of value she had.
She still looked too thin, but maybe not so gaunt as she had the day Jimmy had arrived in Sweetwater and she'd met her wild stare in the mirror for the first time in months. She'd been out in the sun with the horses lately, so her skin had lost the terrible gray pallor she'd had after the long, brutal winter and spring in Virginia, and the time after she'd passed grieving inside her house without thought to the number of times the sun rose and set outside her drawn curtains. Now, her cheeks were pink, her lips fuller and redder, and her hair shone with better health than it had in the last years.
A tear unexpectedly rolled down her cheek. Here she was, healing, getting better, getting stronger, even though Kid never had, never would. These days she laughed sometimes, felt the satisfied weariness of a hard day's work, gloried in the feel of sleek horsehide beneath her fingertips, savored the flavor of just the right food she had a taste for.
And there with her always was Jimmy. She had caught herself contemplating his thoughtful care for her. And more damning than that, had caught herself studying the line of his jaw, the play of muscles in his forearms when he swung a hammer. It was the worst sort of betrayal of Kid, and she felt her stomach hollow with compounding guilt.
She was going to dance. Going to dance in a town where he had first asked her to dance, because it had hurt him to see her sad. She was going to dance across the dirt while he mouldered under it.
How did people do it? She wondered. How did other people just carry on with life when it seemed so unfair that they had to...or maybe the unfairness was that they got to and others didn't? She was a survivor. She didn't know how to do anything else but survive out of simple habit her whole life. At one point it had shocked her when she realized she would survive losing Kid even if she desperately didn't want to. She'd had no choice because of who she was at her center. Now she found herself wondering what would happen to her if she did more than survive. What if she felt happiness again? What if her life was someday colored with joy and laughter and love? Was it possible? Could she feel those things the way she once had, and if she did, did it mean she hadn't felt enough for Kid, hadn't loved him enough?
And what if she dared to feel any of those things and it all came tumbling down around her?
Again.
She scrubbed her hands over her face for a minute, trying to erase the dark thoughts from her mind, then looked back at herself in the mirror again, appraising. Her gaze seemed harder than she was, tougher. There was something proud about her stare, something ruthless and determined, if a little sad. She'd been thinking of herself so long as a boy, then more recently as a girl, it surprised her very much to discover that sometime during the journey from Rock Creek to Virginia and back to Sweetwater, she'd acquired a woman's eyes.
Zeus, laying by the table, let out a low growl the second before there was a knock on the bunkhouse door. His tail began thumping when the knock was followed by Jimmy's voice. "You ready, Lou?"
She watched herself for another long moment in the mirror. "I don't know," she told her reflection quietly before turning to open the door.
A/N: Getting this chapter out was a little bit like trying to milk a rock, I decided about six slow-coming words in. But onward.
