A/N: life is distracting sometimes and work is really busy and I'm trying here but I'm even losing interest in this story only because it isn't going where I intended for it to in the beginning but I think I like it?
Week 3: Tuesday March 4
"Have you talked to her?", Finn asks as he enters back into the kitchen. I'm stirring my pan of chicken curry and don't fully register what he asked, so I ignore it. "Peeta? Hello?"
"Hmm?", I turn my head toward him prompting him to ask me again.
"I asked if you had talked to her. As in Katniss. The girl you're madly in love with", he says gesturing wildly. I hear him chuckle a little and I go cold. "Oh, c'mon man. This is nothing. Her kissing another woman is going to bother you? She is single and can do whatever she wants."
"Yea, well a warning of her sexuality would have been nice", I say shrugging my shoulders.
"Nope. That isn't fair. She doesn't owe you anything", he says pointedly, and I turn toward him. "What? She doesn't. She can be who she wants, when she wants", he says as Annie strolls into the kitchen.
"Who can be whoever she wants?", she asks before planting a kiss on Finn's cheek.
"Katniss", I mumble.
"Oh, are you talking about the article? Because, according to my sources, she was extremely drunk and was talking about you a lot", Annie says raising her eyebrows.
"Wait, she was?", I ask, my eyes going wide. I then realize how stupid that sounds as Annie starts to laugh.
"Hey, now you know you like it when she talks about you", Annie chuckles. "Just talk to her let her explain what happened. Guaranteed that kiss meant nothing, and she was just drunk, kissing the first person that let her. I'm only saying this because it once happened to me in college, before this goof ball finally opened his eyes", she shrugs popping a tomato in her mouth.
"Hey! Those are for the salad", Finnick playfully yells at her.
"I'm growing a person inside me. Don't tell me what to do", she says right back, leaning toward him for a kiss. I shake my head at their interaction.
"You two are going to make great parents", I chuckle, trying to sound genuine.
"If you say so", Finn shrugs his shoulders with a smile plastered on his face, resting his hand on Annie stomach. We're silent for a few moments, taking in what was just said. I take a hefty swig of my beer and turn back to my curry to see if its ready.
"You should text her, if she hasn't already", Annie says gently as I turn off the stove.
"Yea, well I don't know where to start. She hasn't texted me since I texted her yesterday before I knew about the article", I say, taking the large skillet to the table.
"So? Are you afraid of double texting or something?", Annie suggests.
"I, what?", I ask curiously.
"Double texting. Basically, the other person hasn't replied so you text again to try to get the other person to respond. C'mon Peet keep up with the times", Finn jokes, passing the rice bowl to me.
"I don't know how to respond to that", I say and turn my attention to the happy couple across from me. "But enough about me, tonight we're celebrating life. The life that some how this fool is going to bring into the world with this gorgeous woman", I say pointing to them respectfully. "May this journey be wonderful, blessed and everything you ever wanted", I finish by tipping my beer toward Finn for a 'cheers' and he complies.
"Thank you Peet", he says gratefully. He leans over and gives Annie a kiss on the cheek and we dig in. We eat in silence for a few minutes before Annie speaks.
"I know you don't want it to be dinner conversation, but Peeta do tell about Katniss", Annie asks politely.
"Ann, I told you he wouldn't want to talk about her, even if he isn't talking to her", Finnick pleads toward her. I contemplate my earlier statement of not wanting to talk about me, but Finn is the only person I trust currently, and I guess now is as good as any to start figuring out Katniss and I.
"No, no its okay. I don't know what you've told her", I start and wipe my mouth clean before continuing. "but basically, I'm in love with Katniss and have been since kindergarten. The fake relationship screwed everything up and I don't know if I'm going to ever be able to have Katniss for real. Happy?", I ask with a raise of my eyebrows. Both Finnick and Annie have blank expressions on their faces, obviously stunned at my response.
"You love her?", Annie ask gently after a few awkwardly silent moments, with only the music of some weird country song playing about tequila.
"Yea, I do", I state firmly.
"Dude, we've been dancing around that subject for weeks and you just blatantly say it? Do you even realize what you just said?", Finn asks.
"Um, yea?", I question back.
"Now you have to text her. I don't care if its just asking her how her day was. We are making this happen", Annie insists.
"I don't know about that. I don't even know if Katniss wants me in her life", I start but am interrupted by Finnick.
"Of course she wants you in her life. She wouldn't have told you everything she did or even constantly try", Finn says evenly. "You gotta put forth an effort otherwise there really won't be a you and her."
"Yea, I guess", I say and just stare blankly at my plate.
"Don't yea I guess us, Peet. Text her", Finn insists and slide my phone toward me.
"What do I even say?", I say, searching for Katniss in my messages.
"Just ask her how her day was", Annie says, helping herself to another portion of curry.
"Do I mention the article?", I ask, looking between the both of them.
"No!", they yell at me at the same time.
"Just ask her how her day was. Jeez is that so hard to understand", Annie says slightly frustrated.
"Okay, okay. I sent 'hey, how was you day?', I say, hopefully pleasing them.
"Perfect! The first step is done", Annie sighs out.
"You make it seem like the its going to be a lot harder after this?", I question.
"Well yea probably. She most like won't reply for a while. And then we won't", Annie starts but is interrupted by my phone pinging. "Did she just reply?", Annie asks shocked.
"Yea", I say staring down at the notification.
"You idiot, open it!", Finn yells at me.
KATNISS: pretty shitty, how was yours?
I read the message a loud to Annie and Finn and wait for them to react before I do.
"Okay, great. Answer the question", Annie insists so I do.
"So?", Finn questions as I hit send.
"I said 'I'm sorry it was shit, what happened? And mine was kinda boring'."
"Kinda boring? You were hitting 400 feet plus homers constantly today at batting practice. I highly doubt that qualifies as kinda boring", Finn says rolling his eyes.
"Well did you really want me to start off with 'I found out yesterday coming back from our fake relationship is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be?' Hmm?", I retort back.
"I, uh, well, I guess not", Finn leans back into his seat, pushing around the last bit of food on his plate with his fork. My phone pings again and we all perk up.
KATNISS: I didn't do so well at my tasting group, Haymitch is on my ass about continuing my modeling contract and other shit you probably already know about.
"How do I respond to that?", I ask, grateful to have people to talk this over with.
"Well, you could play idiot to it", Finn suggests weakly.
"Cato and Haymitch talk constantly. Katniss knows I know", I say.
"Oh", Finn sighs.
"Yea there's no easy way of texting about it. Why don't you ask to call her?", Annie suggests, getting up from the table.
"I don't know", I mumble.
"That might actually work. Texting can get misinterpreted. Ask her when the best time to call her is so you can talk", Finn practically yells at me.
"Okay, okay, jeez. Chill", I say and type quickly back to her.
PEETA: Can we talk about it over the phone? As you and I both know texting can skew words and I think talking about it aloud would be better.
I put my phone on the table as I also stand to help Annie in the kitchen.
"No, no. Get. You made dinner, I can clean up", she says shooing me out.
"Okay, okay!", I say grabbing my scotch from the cabinet and two glasses. I lift and nod my head toward Finn on my way out of the kitchen, as I make my way toward the balcony. I pour myself and Finn a shot, waiting for him to enjoy the first sip.
I check my phone to see if she replied and she hasn't. "Ah, none for me", Finn says as he closes the porch door behind.
"Well then, I guess more for me", I sigh out.
"Peet, calm down. Everything is going to be fine", he says patting me on the back.
"Is it really though?", I ask after a few moments.
"With that attitude? No", he says flatly.
"Great", I say into my scotch.
"What's so great?", I hear Annie ask. I look up from my drink just as she's taking her seat next to Finn on the porch couch. She curls up her feet and snuggles into his side. I watch as he takes a heavy breath in and then kisses the top of her forehead. She closes her eyes and sinks deeper into his side. I finish my drink before responding.
"Not my attitude about this", I say setting my empty glass down.
"Don't be so hard on yourself Peeta. You and Katniss both made this mistake together. And now you're dealing with the consequences", Annie says evenly. I never told her the full story and can only assume Finnick confided in her when I confessed to him. "I personally don't know what you're going through but Finn and I had our problems", she says trailing off. Finn's eyes go wide for a brief second and then close tightly in frustration.
"Ann, please not now", Finn says, shifting uncomfortably.
"Did you not tell him?", Annie asks, slightly confused.
"Tell me what?", I ask curiously and cautiously.
"This one here", Annie says poking him on his arm, "cheated on me."
"You what?", I ask astonished.
"I didn't cheat on her", Finn tries to deny but Annie keeps going with the story.
"He slept with another woman while we were separated", Annie says with a shake off her head and my eyes go wide, listening to the story unfold. Finn is shaking his head, but Annie is still pressed into his side. "I told him that we were moving too fast, we were both 23 at the time and I thought I still had more to do on my own than be engaged to be married to a baseball star. Which now sounds extremely idiotic of me but the time we spent separated, I believe actually benefited our relationship."
"That's it? That was the problem?", I ask and then laugh. Finn and Annie look between each other and then to me. "Oh, oh I'm sorry that isn't funny", I say trying to collect myself.
"Actually, if you didn't hear her, the real problem was the engagement part" Finn says softly. "I told you we just hadn't gotten around to it, which is true now, but we were engaged briefly. And like she said she needed to explore and I loved her so much I let her go, thinking she was going to come back within a few weeks. Then a few months passed, and she hadn't so I caved. I slept with a girl named Rose, only once, just as a rebound really. It ended up being really big eye opener actually because it made me realize that Annie was the one for me. I kept telling myself after that, that she would come back to me because she loved me. About a month later, Annie called me and told me she was ready to get married. As relieved as I was, I didn't want to walk back into our relationship without her knowing what had happened. She called it cheating, I called it moving on, since I didn't believe she was going to come back to me. I tried to explain that it didn't mean anything, and it made me realize who I really loved. She didn't buy it and said I broke her heart but mine was broken the day she gave me the ring back. It took her another week to forgive me because while she was off exploring city after city looking for whatever she thought she needed, at the end of the day all she wanted to do was share it with me. We just picked up where we left off, no talk of engagement, no talk of marriage, just us being happy.
"Us getting back together happened just before my first pitcher of the year award season started and all conversation turned to that. I was then traded to the Careers and I asked her to move with me. Her response is still the reason we don't currently have plans on a marriage but are having a child together", he says resting his hand on Annie's stomach.
"I don't even know what to say", I say slowly.
"Yea well, now you know", Finn says, and we fall into silence. I pour myself another shot of scotch as we all watch the last few moments of the sunset. Our silence is broken, however by my phone pinging.
"Aren't you going to check that?", Annie asks when my phone pings again after two minutes. I shrug as I take a sip of my scotch.
"Then I will", Finn says reaching for my phone. "She says 'you can call whenever'. Well there you go Peet. You can call her", Finn says handing my phone to me.
"Yea I don't know if I should", I say, staring blankly at my half empty glass of scotch.
"Well you sure as shit won't be doing it drunk", Annie scolds me and shifts herself off of Finn. "C'mon Finnick I need a massage and then sex because my hormones are crazy right now", she says walking back inside.
"I'll be ready in just a minute", Finn yells after her. He looks around awkwardly for just a moment like he wants to say something but doesn't know how.
"Dude go have sex with your girl. I'll be fine", I say doing my best to convince him and myself.
"Yea, yea okay", he says standing.
"Don't sound so disappointed to have sex, at least you have someone to relieve stress with", I mumble into my glass. Finn slaps me quickly on back and I almost spill my drink. "Hey!"
"Having sex with my pregnant girlfriend only reminds me that I'm gonna be a dad in a few months. Not exactly stress relief", he says to me and turns to yell inside for Annie. She returns moments later with her bag in hand.
"You are going to call her, right Peeta?", Annie says leaning down to hug me.
"I, uh, yea. I think I will", I say softly.
"Great!", she says and grabs Finnick's hand.
"Have good night Peeta!", the say in unison as they make they're way down the stairs. I wave to them and watch as they make the short walk over to Finn's house.
I stare at my phone and then to my scotch side by side with each other hoping some type of answer to this whole mess will come to me. "Oh, for fucks sake", I mumble to myself as I realize how ridiculous I'm being. I put my phone in my pocket and grab the two glasses and bottle and head back into my house.
I pace for a few moments in my kitchen while having a conversation aloud to myself. "Hey, Katniss how's it going? Wait I already know she said it was shit, I'm a horrible person at this. Fuck", I curse in frustration. I stop my pacing when my phone starts ringing. I look down at it slightly relieved its Cato.
"Peeta, we need to talk about how you need to handle the press from now on", he states immediately ignoring all pleasantries.
"I don't want to talk about this right now. Can we just meet earlier tomorrow before batting practice?", I say and wait for a response.
"I guess but we really", he starts but I cut him off.
"I really don't want to deal with this now. I also don't think I need coaching from you about how to handle the media because honestly look where that got me", I say with a huff and hang up. I slam my phone down on the counter and try to control my breathing. My phone starts to ring again and thinking its Cato I pick up quickly.
"God damnit I really meant we could meet and discuss this tomorrow morning before batting practice", I say and wait for his response but there's an awkwardly long pause.
"Well, I'm a few districts away so I don't think that's possible", I hear her voice trail off. I'm so caught off guard by the sound of her, I'm stunned into silence. "Can I assume you thought I was Cato?"
"I, um, yea. Yea I thought you were Cato", I say. "Sorry, I just hung up on him harshly and I thought he was calling back", I say awkwardly.
"Its fine", she says softly. We're silent for almost a minute and I had to check to see if she hung up before she starts talking again. "So," she starts but doesn't continue again.
"So what?", I ask trying to encourage her to bring the topic up.
"I, uh, why did you want to call me?", she asks.
"I, um, I thought it would be easier to talk about the article that was posted yesterday over the phone than through text", I confess and hear a long sigh from her.
"Oh, well what did you want to know?", she asks calmly.
"I, um, uh, well", I start but stumble over what I want to ask.
"Has me publicly kissing someone else undone your ability to formulate words?", she asks, almost sarcastically.
"Uh, I, yea, wait no I mean", I stumble again, pressing my hand onto my forehead.
"Out with it", I hear her hiss.
"You want to hear the whole story?", I ask, diverting to how I thought this conversation might go last night.
"There's a whole story?", she asks skeptically.
"Well, no not really a story. I think it'd be better if I tell you everything that went through my head than ask you really the only question I want answered", I confess.
"I don't need to hear the whole story Peeta. Just ask me your question", she hisses again.
"I, uh okay", I say and already this conversation is going downhill. Before I chicken out again I ask her. "Why did you kiss her?"
"Um, excuses me? That was your burning question?", she asks, and I can hear her slightly offended by it.
"I told you everything would be better than just the question", I state.
"Then give me the whole story than because you don't deserve that answer", she hisses, and I'm taken aback and remain silent for a moment. "Oh, oh god that was bad. I'm sorry Peeta but I'm under a lot of stress and you just doesn't help. You do deserve that answer, but I don't know if I'm ready to tell you", she says softly.
"Its fine Katniss", I say starting to pace around my kitchen. "Is there anyway I can help?", I ask unable to think of any other way to keep the conversation going.
"I guess you could tell me the whole story", she says softly.
"I don't exactly think that matters now", I say, and she remains quiet, I guess so I could elaborate. "Okay, um, basically I had a lot of wild theories going through my head about why you would kiss someone else. But really it comes down to you being single, were probably drunk and it really not being my business. So, I really was just curious as to why you kissed her. I don't really know why answer I'm after but now you know I'm curious about you kissing other people", I sigh out.
"Would you be willing to play a game with me?", she asks after a moment of silence. Her voice is shaky, and I believe it took a lot for her to ask.
"I, uh, sure?", I say skeptically. "What were you thinking?", I ask, already regretting saying yes.
"Sorry for changing the subject but I think you can get your answer if we do this. Basically, we'll ask questions to each other and figure out what is real and not real about one another", she says. "I know it sounds stupid so if you don't want to do it, don't worry", she adds the last part almost as an after-thought.
"Uh what?", confused over what she would want to know was either real or fake.
"I guess to be more specific, we ask each other questions about the past nine months, about what was said, what was done, to figure out where we stand", she says quietly, her voice shaking more. "It's really fine if you don't want to Peeta. You don't have to. I'll understand if you don't want to hear from me again. It was stupid of me to ask anyways", she says mumbling the last part. I let her finish mumbling some other things about her being fine, everything happens for a reason. We're quiet for a moment and I let her breathing settle slightly before responding.
"Okay", I say.
"Really?", Katniss says slightly happier than before.
"Yes really. Katniss, I want you in my life. I want to explain everything. I want this to work and I guess the start is right now, with this game, to figure everything out that happen over the past nine months", I say, surprising myself with my honesty.
"Peeta," she starts and takes a long pause before continuing, "you were always better at words than I was."
"That is very real", I chuckle slightly, already playing into this weird game she has started us on.
"I see what you did there", she laughs slightly before we fall into another silence.
"Now how do we really start this?", I ask, more out of wanting to hear her voice than to actually play this game.
"Um, well I guess I went first so your turn", she states confidently.
"Ah, well then", I say, starting to pace around my kitchen again. "Um, okay, your favorite color is green right?" I ask and immediately regret asking such a stupid question when I hear her laughing.
"I give you an opportunity to ask your burning question again and you go for my favorite color?", she says continuing to laugh.
"You said it once in an interview when we first started this whole thing and I kinda want a baseline on you. I want to know if even the little details you told during interviews were really you or if you made up a whole person just for this", I spit out faster than she can stop laughing.
"Oh", she stops abruptly. "I'm sorry. I just, I didn't. I don't know what I was expecting but yes that was real. My favorite color is in fact green. More specifically," she starts but I cut her off.
"The color of the forest leaves in midsummer", I state over her. "That's what you said in the interview." She quiet for a few moments before she talks again.
"Are you looking at the magazine that its printed in right now?", she asks skeptically.
"No, Katniss I'm not. I told you I paid attention", I start and continue before she can interrupt. "I wasn't just a lifeless person next to you in interviews, I listened because I wanted to get to know you. It wasn't exactly the circumstances I was hoping for, but I guess if that's true, I probably know more about you than you think I do."
"So, you were being serious the other night", she starts, and I can tell she's contemplating what to say next because the last word trails off. "But you, you always acted like you hated me from the start?", she hesitantly asks.
"Uh, yea I acted so that's real, but I never hated you. I hated the circumstances we were in" I say and pause and let my confession sink in. She doesn't respond so I continue, "I hated that you were with someone else. That you only signed on because you were getting paid. I hated what I did to get me in this situation. I have never once hated you. Wait, not real. I probably hated you for a few weeks after I tripped over you", I say laughing slightly.
"I just don't understand," she whispers, and I can feel myself growing angrier because she's going to have to make me say it.
"God, Katniss. I was jealous. I was jealous of Gale. That he got everything. He got the real you. All I got to do was kiss you. I never got to appreciate you. Treat you like you should be treated. I was jealous and still am. And I hate myself for that. I hate that I was jealous. I hate that I agreed even after you showed your disapproval. I hate myself. Okay Katniss? Does that clear things up?", I say, almost yelling into the phone.
"You were jealous?", she asks weakly.
I let out a large sigh as I realize how oblivious she really is to everything. "Yes, Katniss I was jealous. So jealous in fact that when Gale asked me to out ourselves, I did it because I didn't want to hurt you anymore. If I didn't care at all for you I would have let Madge leak the photos and quite honestly, she might still go to the press and unveil the other side of the story. Have you talked to her lately?"
"No and I don't exactly plan on it", she says flatly. "She would have been better off revealing this story two weeks ago when it was new instead of waiting. It won't have any merit now. Or she's waiting", she says stopping mid-sentence.
"She's waiting for what?", I ask her frantically unsure of what exactly Madge would be waiting for.
"She's waiting for us to be together. She knows everything. She would ruin both of us. Oh god, Peeta. This is never going to work", she says quietly, confessing her fears.
"You want us to be together?", I say stunned.
"That's what you got from that?", she says quickly, slightly angry.
"Well yea. Would it be so bad if she ruined us, but we were still together?", I ask, slightly confused at her anger.
"I, I don't know Peeta. I still need time to figure this out, but I did enjoy our conversation. Can we do it again sometime?", she asks quickly.
"Always Katniss", I breathe out and am about to say goodnight when there's a weird sound from her side.
"One second!", Katniss yells and then I hear a door open. "Gale?"
"Gale? What is he doing there?", I say angerly into the phone.
"I have to go", she says softly and then we're disconnected.
"Well shit", I sigh and pour another shot of wh for myself before heading off to bed.
Session 4: Thursday March 6
"Katniss, I know you're distraught, which is obvious from your demeanor, but I need to know exactly what is bothering you", Cinna says again gently. He's been trying to coax me out of my silence, but I don't know where to start. Gale showed up to my apartment unexpectantly when I was on the phone with Peeta and our conversation has kept me from sleeping the past two nights.
"I don't know where to start", I say quietly, and I can feel tears pricking my eyes.
"Just start from the beginning", he encourages.
"Well I was on the phone with Peeta", I start, and he cuts me off.
"You were on the phone with Peeta? That's wonderful. What did you talk about?", he says a little too happily which infuriates me. I try to hide it but his slight smile fades away just as quickly as it appeared. "You aren't upset over Peeta and you, are you?", he asks.
"Nope. As I was saying I was on the phone with Peeta when Gale knocked on my door", I say completing my previous sentence and watch Cinna's eyes go wide and then watch him nod his head to encourage me to continue. I take a breath in before telling him my conversation with Gale.
"I have to go", I say into the phone and hang up on Peeta quickly as Gale and I continue to stare each other down.
"May I come in?", Gale asks weakly.
"Um, yea, sure", I say, surprising myself at my acceptance of him.
"Who was on the phone?", he asks awkwardly, obviously trying to start a conversation.
"Joanna", I lie.
"Are you sure it wasn't Peeta?", he accuses a little too quickly.
"So? What if it was?", I retort back.
"I, I don't know", he says quickly.
"Exactly", I say moving back into my kitchen. I had just finished cleaning up from dinner when I built up the courage to call him, instead of him calling me. Our conversation didn't exactly go as I had planned but I think Peeta and I are on the same page about being together. He may want us now, but I need more time to process what that would mean. Which I guess seems silly, but I think he understands. "Why are you hear?", I finally ask Gale since he's being quiet.
"I wanted to ask you something and I thought it would be best asked in person", he says.
"That seems to be the topic of the evening", I mumble.
"What?", Gale asks quickly after.
"That's very logical of you but a heads up would have been better than you showing up at my door", I say, crossing my arms and leaning back against the counter. I watch as Gale takes a seat at the bar top. There's only a small kitchen between us but it feels like more.
"I know but I want your honesty. I didn't want you to dwell on our meeting or over think it, so I just showed up", he says shrugging.
"I guess that makes sense?", I ask skeptically. We stare at each other silently, neither of us wanting to break eye contact.
"Katniss?", he asks to break the silence. I remain silent and watch as his eye shake slightly. "Did you ever really love me?", he asks quietly, almost in a whisper. His question catches me off guard and now I know why he showed up unannounced. My arms and mouth drop in shock of his question. Waves of emotion come over me as I try to process what he's asking of me.
"Gale, I", I fumble on my words for a few seconds, unable to complete a sentence.
"Because that's what I've been asking myself these past few weeks. And if I'm being honest, what I was asking myself deep down for months", he spits out, his sadness turning to anger. "I should have listened to myself a year ago when you said you didn't want marriage. I should have left. Because that's what I want. I want to marry someone and have a family with them. And you didn't want either of those things but you said you loved me so I stayed because you wanted forever. Then you turned around and accepted this ridiculous contract. You hurt me Katniss. You hurt me more than you could know.
"You signing that contract was you saying we didn't matter. We weren't real. But I was the idiot that thought deep down you still loved me and you did this for your family and that was all. But the god damn pictures were so hard to get over. I kept telling myself it was acting. You were acting like you were in love with Peeta. However, I knew you were lying to one of us and I was so convinced it was me. So I cheated on you with Madge. It was hard the first time, but she convinced me wasn't cheating since technically you were with Peeta. After that it was a lot easier. I still regret it, but she made life easier. She at least listened to my concerns about Peeta. You never did.
"You hurt me Katniss. I don't care what you say, because I know even if you say you did at one point in our past four years together love me, I'll know it wasn't true. Because who accepts a contract like you did when they are in love and want to spend the rest of their life with someone? You can say what you want but I needed you to know this. I needed you to know I am going to hate you for the rest of my life. That you hurt me more than you thought you did. That I know you love Peeta and you need to accept that now before you lose him too.
"Katniss, I really wish we could go back a year ago, to when I wanted to propose knowing that you didn't want to get married. But then again I don't. I'm so happy now I don't have to be burdened by you not wanting what I want. That I don't have to settle for less than I deserve. You destroyed a part of me when you said no Katniss, did you know that? I know you wanted forever but I thought if I could just get you to marry me, maybe kids would be in our future, which I know is selfish but god damn I wanted a life with you. I wanted it all and almost had it. But Peeta. Peeta walked in to your life and swept you right off your feet in front of me and you didn't even realize it. Or at least not until now.
"So, Katniss. Did you ever love me?", he asks, sighing heavily.
"Of course I loved you" I say weakly, tears pricking my eyes. "I loved you the only way I knew how and obviously it wasn't enough."
"And that's exactly why we were never going to work even if you wanted forever. The way you knew how was never going to be enough for me", Gale says gently back. He's looking away from me, trying to hold back tears.
"Gale, I", I start but end up crying. I try to collect myself enough to say what I want to but resort to saying it through sobs when obviously I can't control myself. "The way I knew how was because I didn't want to lose you. I loved our secret at first because I was able to keep you from the world, that if we broke up it wouldn't be a huge mess to deal with. As time went on though I realized our secret wasn't just a meaningless relationship and you wanted more, you wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I wanted to stay in our bubble, and I was scared. I accepted that contract so we could stay in our bubble a little longer. I know you wanted to tell people and I did too, but it gave me an out. Which sounds so pathetic but it was going to delay things for six months.
"I never planned for things to go the way they did with Peeta because I thought I hated him. I thought it would be easier to get through it with someone that hated me. I was wrong, he never hated me. And his over zealous self has gotten us into this position we're in now. So, I apologize Gale. I apologize for putting you through this. For thinking that after six months with Peeta, we would have been able to go back to normal. But I was wrong because I extended our contract. And now were here.
"Gale, I loved you and never meant to hurt you, but I did. I did this. You may have cheated but that was probably the best thing you could have done for us. I really hope that answers that", I say wiping my tears away.
"It does Katniss. Thank you", he gets up and starts towards the door. "And Katniss?", he asks turning back toward me.
"Yea?"
"Don't be as naïve with him as you were with me in the beginning", he says smiling weakly, nods his head and then walks out the door.
"Well your homework for this weekend is already complete", Cinna says nonchalantly afterward.
"Excuse me?", I say slightly offended.
"I was going to tell you to talk with Gale but obviously you, or at least he took care of that", Cinna says shrugging his shoulders. I narrow my eyes at him because he's ignoring the biggest part of the conversation I had with him.
"You do realize I told him I was the reason for all of this?", I ask harshly.
"Oh trust me. I'm extremely pleased at your conversation with him. Mainly because you are finally accepting responsibility. Honestly I don't think you would have done that two weeks ago", he says calmly. "This is the second part of what I wanted you to realize. You needed to come to terms with you hurting someone else. The next is for you to be open to Peeta", he says casually.
"Oh well I think I covered that with my conversation with him before Gale's", I say.
"Well you did this backwards", he says chuckling. I narrow my eyes at him, confused by what he means. "Okay, I thought you would have come to terms with hurting Gale before opening up to Peeta", he says, calming himself. I'm still looking at him skeptically because he's stilling confusing me.
"We've barely talked about Gale. How did you know I had hurt him?", I ask cautiously.
"You accepted a contract while still in a relationship. Of course, you hurt him. You may have thought you were protecting what you had and that made you blind to what you did to him. Now that you have had time to look at everything, realize what happened, you understand you hurt him", he says harshly. "Katniss, you were placing blame on others. You needed to understand that this was on you. And now that you finally understand why you're here, hurting Gale and wanting to be with Peeta, we can finally start on putting you back together."
"What?", I ask after a few moments trying to process what he means.
"You. You lost yourself did you not in the last year?", Cinna questions. I nod in confusion and curiosity. "Stop me if I'm wrong but you let yourself be controlled by an outside force and from the last two weeks with you, that doesn't exactly seem like you. We have to work on you, why you lost yourself, how to not let it happen again and most importantly what you want now and in the future."
"That seems like a lot", I say softly, taking in what he's suggesting.
"I know but you've done the hard part. We have the fun part ahead of us", he says, smiling softly.
"Fun part? Trying to figure out why I lost myself hardly seems like fun to me", I say weakly.
"The fun part means us not dwelling on the past but learning from it", he says nodding.
"And to think I was starting to like you", I sigh, slumping slightly into the couch.
"Well I'm not here to be your friend, Katniss", he says firmly, looking at me over his glasses. "As I've said before I'm here to listen and then tell you what I think,"
"And if I take the advice is up to me and has no real effect on you other than you having to change your course of action for me. Yea I remember", I say cutting him off.
"Good", he says and readjusts his glasses. He leans back in his chair and probably writes down what I told him about Gale. I look around the room again, not knowing what to say next. I contemplate telling him about my conversation with Peeta but knowing Cinna that's his next question. "Now did you want to tell me about your phone call with Peeta?", he asks, breaking our silence. I have to refrain from rolling my eyes because I was right.
"It didn't go as I expected", I say quietly, rubbing my palms on my jeans. I don't know why I'm nervous to tell Cinna everything when it hasn't really been a problem.
"You're going to have to elaborate on that Katniss", he says, nodding his head for encouragement.
I sigh heavily before telling him everything. Cinna is relatively quiet while I talk and is actually paying attention and no writing ever word I say down. "And then Gale knocked on the door. I haven't texted Peeta since nor has he texted me", I say, closing my eyes and shaking my head.
"Are you disappointed with your conversation with Peeta, Katniss?", Cinna inquires quickly.
"No?", I say confused as to why he would suggest that.
"Then stop acting like it", he says harshly.
"I,", I start, stunned by his response.
"Katniss, you ended your explanation but shaking your head at everything just because of your conversation with Gale", he says softer but still with urgency. He takes a noticeable breath in before continuing. "Which, by the way, you handled remarkably well. I can't tell you to be happy about it, but you talked to Peeta, granted you yelled at him, but you recovered. Be happy with the progress at least.
"You also need to get over the fact that someone might want to ruin you. Madge clearly has no more intentions of doing so and even if she did, you and Peeta have started the game. Focus on that", he says, gesturing his hands to know one.
"You really think that?", I ask temidly afraid of saying what I told Peeta out loud again.
"I do", Cinna says reassuringly.
"Okay, then I want to be with Peeta. I want to be with Peeta no matter what happens", I say strongly.
"I don't think I'm the one you should be telling this to", he says lightly.
"Right", I say smiling.
A/N: Please review, fave, follow because idk if I'm going to continue this story or if I do there's going to be a jump forward and by that I mean probably two or three months...I'll keep writing and go from there. love y'all.
