005: Seeking Solace - Will/Alyss (angsty angsty angst ;) )

"Will, get up," Alyss leaned over the bed to shake her husband's shoulder. She was already concerned with how late he had slept, but now he wasn't even responding to her. "Will."

"Mmm," Will groaned, rolling over to cover his head with a pillow.

This isn't normal, Alyss knew, but didn't say anything of the sort. Instead, she said: "Will, Halt's been waiting for you outside. I told him that you were feeling ill. He wants to talk to you."

When he didn't respond right away, Alyss leaned back over the bed, and grabbed a fist-full of the pillow, before ripping it out of his hands. Rather than respond, Will groaned louder, turned over in the bed, and pulled the covers over his head.

"Will Treaty, you are a grown man, get the hell up," Alyss hissed, swinging the pillow around to hit him. Despite the impact, he still didn't move.

Silence was the only response.

Seething, Alyss spun on her heels and walked out of the room. After quickly apologizing to Halt, and saying that Will wasn't up to getting out of bed, or even opening his eyes, she went back inside. While listening to Abelard's receding hoof beats, the courier filled a cup with water, and went back into their room. She raised the glass, ready to toss it onto Will and get him to follow after Halt and have him explain the situation. But before she even raised her arm, a muffled voice sounded from underneath the blankets. "Please don't throw that water on me."

She scowled. "Then tell me what's going on," she said, setting the glass down on a nightstand. She hadn't meant to set it down so hard, but nonetheless, the water splashed up her arm and, of course, all over her side of the bed.

There was a pause, in which neither her nor Will moved. After a full minute, Will sat up suddenly, pushing the covers off of his chest. He must've changed late in the night, because he wasn't wearing his normal bedshirt, but instead didn't wear a shirt at all. He sat on the bed, considering her.

"Can I tell you something?" he murmured, a surprising amount of despair in his eyes.

Slowly, Alyss sat down on the side of the bed, facing him. She tilted her head to the side, before saying, "You do realize how convoluted that sentence is, right?"

Will paused again. "I would if I knew what convoluted meant," he said, eyes narrowing with a frown.

Alyss sighed. "Twisted. Convoluted means twisted, Will."

His eyes narrowed again. "Why not just say twisted, then?"

Glaring at him, Alyss raised her eyebrow, setting her hands on her hips.

After a moment, Will said, "Either way, do you mind?"

"Will," Alyss said, laughing a little, "I'm your wife. I wouldn't be here if we didn't tell each other things."

Looking away, Will glanced out the window, seeing the sun, and it's noon position. He seemed to consider his words, and in this moment, Alyss saw something that made her heart crack. There were dark circles underneath his eyes, and there were solid frown lines forming right around his laughter lines. How had she not noticed that something was wrong earlier?

"Will?" Alyss whispered, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. At her touch, Will turned his head to look at her, but kept his eyes downwards. His eyes seemed to follow his hand as he reached out to take her other hand in her lap.

"Do you know what we were going to do, Halt and I?" Will murmured, his thumb going over Alyss's knuckles.

She shook her head. "No, neither of you said anything about it. I assumed it was something you had to keep quiet."

Will snorted, his head dropping further. "No, not exactly. Halt just didn't say anything because he's like that. I . . . I didn't want to say anything . . . Mainly because the fact that we had to do something like that kills me inside." He wiped his nose, sniffling as he looked out the window again.

Alyss considered her husband's face for a moment, before pursing her lips. "Tell me," she said, tugging his hand to pull his attention back to her.

"We . . . We had found a small group of bandits, and one thing led to another and today we were going to either catch and turn in or . . . Or kill." Will slipped his hand out of Alyss's and wrapped his arms around his abdomen.

Opening her mouth to respond, Alyss paused, not really sure what to say. It was basically Will's job, what he was describing, so she didn't really see why it bothered him. She knew that similar circumstances were normal for him, happening on a regular enough basis to be considered "normal". What was different about this one?

Before she said anything, Will answered her question. "I—I realize that it just sounds like I'm making something out of nothing, and why should I be worried about something that happens normally, in a job like mine? But, but, Alyss—damn it, I don't even know how to describe it." At his voice cracking, Alyss's head snapped up, just in time to see a tear fall from his face and splash onto the blanket on his lap.

She was to stunned to interrupt.

"Look, I know what my job is, and I knew what it entailed when I accepted the silver oakleaf," Will said, keeping his voice low but no longer whispering. "But that doesn't brush aside my personal opinions or beliefs. The way I saw everything, I tried to get out of every scrap with the least amount of bloodshed as possible. And sometimes that just wasn't possible. Sometimes shit ended with a bloodbath, and I would have to wash in a river for an hour or two before I felt comfortable coming home to you." He took a deep breath, his voice wavering. "And every time that happened, I would have to take a few extra minutes to get control of myself, because I knew it would be worse coming home having a damn panic attack than coming home covered in blood.

"I don't want to hurt people. But sometimes it's just like people want to be hurt. And since I'm where I am, who I am, people use that to their advantage to get hurt. To get killed. And, inside, every time someone dies because of me, I die a little inside.

"It makes me feel almost dirty, having to do these things and then come back to you. I know that you know what I do, and what I have to do. I know you don't care, and, if I asked, would be there for me. But I feel like because of this, I don't deserve you. I don't deserve to be comforted, I don't deserve to have everything made better, because of what I do. I end lives. I literally end lives for a living. Maybe that's not all I do, but I either end lives, or figure out why a life was ended. And if you want to talk about what's convoluted, then how about that shit right there."

Will gasped for breath, his voice having gone faster and faster as he talked. He had barely stopped for a breathe either, and during that, the tears had started to fall freely.

His voice went quiet again, but he continued to speak, this time at a normal speed. "It almost feels like I have to handle two lives, one in which I'm—I'm what I hate, and another where all I fear is the other life. The only reprieve is spending time with you or Horace or Halt or Gilan or Jenny or anyone really, as long as I didn't have to focus on whatever happens while I'm out."

Alyss didn't say anything. She reached forward, taking Will's hand, and covered it with both of hers. "I'll keep it simple, darling," she murmured, and looked to him. She lifted a hand, and touching his cheek, drawing his attention. Their eyes met. "One, I would be worried if you weren't concerned about this honey. It's a problem when you're not worried. And, two, Will, baby, you don't need to ask me for comfort," she paused, letting him take it in. She smiled, "Just come to me, gorgeous, and I will be there. Nothing has to be said or explained. I will be there, whenever you need me, for whatever reason."