Okay, so here is chapter twelve. This fic is getting longer and longer for no particular reason, apart from the fact that I feel like it. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed, and to those who added me to their faves and alerts lists. I really appreciate it. Also, I've made some fan art for this fic using the Game of Thrones Doll Maker at the link to my gallery for this fic on Deviant art is below. Just remove the spaces. LOL!
lady blade waragnel. deviantart gallery/ 41607343
So on with Merlin and Mordred's life outside Camelot. (nods)
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History is What You Make It.
Chapter 12.
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"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut,
My weakness is that I care too much,
And our scars remind us that the past is real,
I tear myself open just to feel.
I tried to help you one,
Against my own advice,
I saw you going down,
But you never realised,
That you're drowning in the water,
And I offered you my hand,
Compassion's in my nature,
Tonight is our last stand." Scars – Papa Roach.
It had been a year since Olwen had joined Merlin and Mordred on their travels. Slowly but surely, Merlin and Olwen had built up a strong friendship, that had grown into something neither of them really defined. The only ones who defined it were Mordred, Kilgarrah and surprisingly Hunith. The last two months, had been spent in Ealdor. As Merlin and Olwen walked off to get firewood, bickering as they went, Mordred watched from the window. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked at his grandmother.
"Grandma?" Mordred questioned.
"They look happy." Hunith said softly.
"I think they are." Mordred replied. He knew it would be difficult to explain to his grandmother what his motives were. But Hunith didn't ask him any questions about that. She tousled his hair gently.
"I think you're right Mordred. Maybe this is a good thing." Hunith said softly. Mordred nodded. He knew that in a week, the anniversary of his older self's death would be here. Three years since older Mordred died. Every year, on that day, Merlin shut herself off from the world. That was why she came to Ealdor. She knew Mordred would be safe with her mother. Mordred knew this and didn't question it. His older self had told him not to question her sadness. It was normal to be sad when you lost someone you cared about. But Mordred also had a feeling that Olwen would question his mother. He wasn't sure whether to try and stop him or not.
xXxXxXx ONE WEEK LATER xXxXxXx
Arthur woke that morning and dismissed George for the day. This was the third anniversary of older Mordred's death. He had already informed the council that he would not be attending any meetings today. He sat in his chambers, thinking about everything and nothing, mourning a son he'd barely known. After a while, Gwen came to join him. She would always join him on this day every year. She would sit by his side and she would stay quiet unless he spoke to her. She too felt the pain of losing Mordred keenly. Not as keenly as Arthur, and never more than Merlin, but she still felt pain at the loss. She also knew her husband well. She knew he didn't want anyone to speak to, though sometimes he wished to vent. She knew that he did want her company, if it was just to know she was near, to hold her hand, he still wanted her there. Of course, the children would go through their normal lessons. None of them really remembered older Mordred, not even Elyan. Also it was too painful for Arthur to see them on this day. He would always think about the son he had lost, and the terrible way in which he had treated his son. It may not have been intentional, but Arthur knew he had treated Mordred unfairly. His prejudices, long ground into him from birth, had taken over his judgement. He wished he could go back and change things. He'd wished this many times when thinking about older Mordred. But it wasn't possible. So he spent this day in mourning every year. It was the least he could for his lost son.
xXxXxXx EALDOR xXxXxXx
Merlin had started to travel towards the lake of Avalon, where she had buried so many people that she loved. Freya, her dear friend, had been first. Freya with her kind brown eyes, and trusting spirit, and the curse that she couldn't escape. It was her, that Merlin had bought there first. Then it had been her father, Balinor, who she had believed to be the last Dragonlord. She had barely known him, yet it had hurt her to lose him. All those good times that could have been made, all the things she could have learned about her father, were lost the moment he died. But the important thing had been that he cared enough for her to throw himself in front of a blade to save her life. Then Lancelot, her closest friend apart from Arthur, and the only other person apart from Gaius and her mother to know all of her secrets. Burning his body had hurt her deeply. It had wounded her, just as it had wounded her to burn Freya's body. These wounds never healed. They never did when you buried or burned the bodies of people you loved. The last one she had burned, had been older Mordred, her son. She had never know she could love anyone so much before she had become a mother. She had never known she would love Mordred so much despite how he came to be. But meeting older Mordred and getting to know him and see him had made Merlin love him, whether it was the older or younger Mordred. They were the same person, and yet Merlin felt they were different too. But that all consuming love that she had had for her son, her desperate need to protect him, had bought her the greatest pain when he died protecting her. She knew that she could never get over that. Forgiving Arthur, Gwen, Gwaine and those she had left back in Camelot had been surprisingly easy. Oh they had earned her harsh words to be sure, but when she burned her son's body, all her anger washed away, and she knew it wasn't really their fault. Of course Arthur, Gwaine and Gwen had all treated her and Mordred terribly. But had Mordred not died, would she had had the same reaction to everything? She knew she would not have. But she would not return to Camelot. She couldn't do that. Not yet. She didn't take notice that she was being followed. Olwen, was curious as to where Merlin was disappearing to. It was in his nature to be nosy. Especially when he noticed that neither Mordred nor Hunith had paid too much attention to where Merlin was going. It made him wonder what it was Merlin was up to that reduced her family to silence.
xXxXxXx LAKE OF AVALON xXxXxXx
Merlin had picked four white lilies on her way to the Lake of Avalon, along with other flowers. She made a bouquet, using one of the lilies as a centre piece. The other three she kept loose. She had finally made her way to the Lake of Avalon, where she stood with the flowers. She selected one single lily.
"For you Freya." Merlin said softly, as she threw the first lily into the lake. She took the second loose lily. "For you Lancelot." Merlin said sadly, and dropped that into the lake as well. Then the third, she threw into the lake. "For you, father." Merlin just about got out. Then the bouquet was the only thing left in her hands. "And for you, my sweet Mordred. I'll never forget you. You know by now." Merlin sobbed out. Her tears dripped down her cheeks, as she threw the bouquet of flowers into the lake. That was when a ghostly apparition appeared from the water. "Freya? You don't usually appear like this." Merlin said to her old friend. Freya smiled.
"I just thought that you should know that a part of Older Mordred lives within little Mordred. You've grieved for so long Merlin. You lost your son, even he wouldn't deny that. But older Mordred, is a part of the lake and a part of little Mordred. He'll always be connected to you. Until it is time for his younger self to cross to the other side, he'll always be here, waiting for you all." Freya told Merlin gently.
"That doesn't mean that I don't miss him Freya. Every single day I miss him. If I could I'd give my life to bring him back. But I can't. I've tried. What's the point in having power over life and death if you can't bring someone you love back?" Merlin asked. Freya gave Merlin a sad smile.
"The point is that it isn't your time. But it was his. He knew that. He knew it was a big possibility that he would die that day. But he was willing to sacrifice his life so that his younger self could grow up with a mother. You know, Merlin, you can be very silly for someone who is so wise. Trust that Mordred is with you always, and he always will be." Freya said gently. Merlin nodded her understanding. They had had this conversation before, but Merlin still felt the need to come here on the anniversary of Older Mordred's death, just to feel closer to him. "Also, you should know that you're being watched. It's not fair for your friend to spy on you without considering your feelings first." Freya said softly and pointed towards a small outcrop of trees, where Merlin spotted a head of red hair ducking down. Merlin growled out angrily and charged over to Olwen.
xXxXxXx EALDOR xXxXxXx
"Do you think Mother noticed that Olwen followed her this morning?" Mordred asked his grandmother. Hunith dropped the bowl she had been cleaning, her mouth gaped open in shock.
"Mordred! Why didn't you say something earlier? Your Mother will be very angry that Olwen followed her." Hunith scolded. Mordred shrugged.
"It's time that Mother let someone else into her heart. Not just us. She needs to be happy again. Older me said I'd know when it was time. It's time now." Mordred replied. Hunith looked at her grandson and frowned, wondering how on earth he knew this was the right time. However, Hunith didn't question the nine year old boy. She had learned that his instincts were usually right. She went back to cleaning the dishes from lunch and trying to ignore the feeling that something strange was about to happen.
xXxXxXx LAKE OF AVALON xXxXxXx
"Olwen!" Merlin yelled at him. The red head sighed and stood up, knowing he'd been caught.
"Merlin? Nice day for a walk?" Olwen tried. Merlin had a face like thunder and Olwen was struck by the notion that while Merlin looked absolutely terrifying, she also looked breathtakingly beautiful at the same time, it made his breath catch in his throat.
"This is not a day to try my patience Olwen." Merlin said angrily.
"You're grieving a dead son. I heard. Why didn't you tell me? How old was he?" Olwen asked. He truly wanted to know. He could see Merlin's sadness so clearly and it wasn't something he was used to. He was used to the woman arguing with him, and he was used to sharing insults and witty humour, not this sadness and anger. Merlin clenched her fists as she looked at Olwen and not knowing why she did it, what made her do it, she grabbed hold of his collar and smashed her lips against his. It wasn't a gently kiss, it was filled with all of Merlin's pent up rage and anger and frustration. Olwen's eyes were wide open in shock, the moment Merlin's lips touched his own. But soon he wasn't concerned. He kissed her back just as fiercely, a year's worth of frustration worked in to it. He'd wanted to kiss her for a long time, now he was. He didn't object when Merlin began to pull off his clothing. Maybe he should have, but it was too much like a dream come true for him to stop her.
xXxXxXx CAMELOT xXxXxXx
Arthur and Gwen had not left Arthur's chambers all day until now. Arthur had taken Gwen down to the burial vaults.
"Why are we coming down here Arthur?" Gwen asked gently. Arthur licked at his lips nervously as he bought Gwen to stand in front of a new tomb. The tomb had the likeness of Mordred's face etched into it. "Did you have this made Arthur?" Gwen asked. Arthur nodded.
"Even before I knew everything, before I knew he was my son, I always loved him like he was. I was proud to be his favourite Uncle Arthur, and with Older Mordred," Arthur rested a hand on the tomb. "I was proud to call him one of my Knights. He was my friend, and I treated him like a son too. Something about him always called to me. Even though Merlin took his body, I... I wanted to commemorate him as he deserved. He was my son, he deserved a place here just like all the other Pendragons." Arthur said. Gwen squeezed his hand. "If Merlin comes back, you don't think she'll be angry about this do you?" Arthur asked Gwen. In that moment, the grown man, nay, the grown King, looked at Gwen with such a look, it was almost like looking into the eyes of a child. Gwen looped her arm around his and looked down at the tomb.
"No. I don't think she'll be angry. I think she'll appreciate that you remembered Mordred and acknowledged him as your son. She won't be angry." Gwen reassured. As they left the burial vaults, the sun was starting to set and the pair decided to go back to Arthur's chambers for the rest of the night.
xXxXxXx LAKE OF AVALON xXxXxXx
Merlin and Olwen were sat beside the lake. Merlin's thick black hair was in a tangled mess after their earlier activities. Olwen draped his green jacket around her shoulders as the sun started to set and the breeze became chilly.
"So are you going to talk to me now?" Olwen asked. Merlin arched a brow in a very Gaius like manner.
"What makes you think I will talk about this?" Merlin asked.
"Well we've seen each other naked and done things that would probably make your mother furious. So I don't think there's much else to hide." Olwen replied. Merlin smiled then, one of her old smiles that lit up a room. Then she frowned as she looked into the lake, and finally, after three years of being unable to speak of it, Merlin told Olwen the whole story. How she had come to Camelot, how she had hidden her gender and pretended to be a man, and how she had become Arthur's manservant, and all the adventures that came with it. She told him all about those people she had loved and lost, and whose bodies she had burned here. Then, finally, she told him about Mordred, everything about Mordred. Olwen had a dark look on his face by the time Merlin had finished her tale. "Merlin, I'm sorry." Olwen said gently.
"For what? None of this is your fault." Merlin replied. She felt lighter, for the first time in years, freer, as though she had managed to lift a great weight from her shoulders by speaking of older Mordred to Olwen.
"I'm sorry that you've had to suffer so much. I'm not going to promise that you'll never suffer any pain ever again. I won't promise that your life will be easy from now on. What I can promise is that as long as I'm alive, I'll always be here for you. If you ever need me, I'll be waiting. Always." Olwen told the woman next to him. Merlin smiled at him and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
"I never doubted you would be." Merlin said softly.
xXxXxXx SIX MONTHS LATER xXxXxXx
Merlin and Olwen were on a small boat, Hunith and Mordred were with them, as they floated over the water to the aisle of the blessed. Merlin wore a dress of white, which was shoulderless but not strapless. Long, draping sleeves hung from her slender arms, and only if you were looking, could you see the tiniest, tell-tale roundness of Merlin's stomach. Mordred and Hunith were to be the only witnesses of a wedding performed by an old Druid friend, Iseldir. Iseldir waited for them in the old castle. Hunith and Mordred watched as Merlin and Olwen walked to the altar, standing opposite each other, in front of Iseldir.
"I am here to oversee, from this great seat of the Old Religion, a ceremony of Handfasting between Olwen, son of Dobhailen, of the last Dragonlords, and the great Emrys, Merlin the daughter of Balinor, of the last Dragonlords. I witness this union of the last two Dragonlords in existence. May they be blessed by the Triple Goddess, the Gods, and Old Religion, for all eternity." Iseldir said formerly. He looked at Olwen and Merlin. Olwen held out his hands, palms up, and Merlin placed her own hands within his.
"I, Olwen, son of Dobhailen, do take thee Merlin, daughter of Balinor, to be my wife. I pledge to her my loyalty, my fidelity, my love and my trust for as long as we both shall live." Olwen said solemnly. Merlin smiled as she gently squeezed Olwen's hands.
"I Merlin, daughter of Balinor, take thee Olwen, son of Dobhailen, to be my husband. I pledge to him my loyalty, my fidelity, my love and my trust, for as long as we both shall live." Merlin said. Iseldir smiled, and pulled out a red and blue cloth, woven with gold thread, and he entwined the cloth around their hands, tying a knot at the top of their joined hands. Then at the same time Merlin and Olwen began to speak.
"I promise you friendship when you feel alone, I promise you comfort when you need a home, I promise to care for you when you are unwell, I promise your secrets, never to tell." Both Merlin and Olwen said at the same time. Iseldir took their joined hands, and raised them to the sky.
"May the blessings of the earth be upon both of you." Iseldir said. The ceremony was at an end. Olwen leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Merlin's forehead. Then the group left the old ruined castle, ready to celebrate their marriage.
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Okay, so that's the end of this chapter. I'm not very good with romance. So if it all seems a bit... well not right in some way, I do apologise. Please R&R and let me know what you all thought. The handfasting ceremony was completely made up, except for a cloth being tied around their hands, that's true to life. (nods) I didn't know that people still performed handfasting ceremonies now. But they apparently do. Also I did NOT write a lemon between Merlin and Olwen for two reasons. 1 is that this fic is NOT rated for mature content. LOL! 2, lemons are just... not my thing. I don't think I'm any good at them and I know I hate to read bad lemons, so I won't subject anyone to reading my bad lemons. LOL! See you tomorrow people.
