The Banana Slug: Yep, after re-doing the whole "Meet the Clayface" chapter, I had an idea for another TF2-based rip-off, this time including our old creator of Arkham City, you know him as the balding nutsack who tried to blow you up!
Don't know? Boy, I am truly sorry for you. ):[
You Got BatRolled!
By The Banana Slug
CHAPTER 12: I am ze UberBat!
It was a peaceful day in Gotham City, with the birds singing and the sun shining from the east. However, it was not all peachy-keen. You see, the police decided to raid Arkham Asylum after the inmates, led by the Joker, started a riot and took over the entire complex.
However, Joker was shot in the chest with a shotgun, and is currently in Medical Wing, in critical care. Meanwhile, Harley and Two-Face were running from missles being fired by the GCPD, excessive force much?
"Come on, pizza-face! Move it!" screamed Harley, covered in bruises and missing a tooth. Two-Face, in a wheelchair and half his body covered in bandages, vertically, not horizontally like it really should be.
"Hurry up, you WAH!" Harley was throw to the ground by an explosive, only to get up and see a cloud of mortars shoot out right at her direction. She replied with an exacerbated, "Ah, crap!"
Soon after, a large explosion sent her flying and wailing at the asylum medical buidling, landing face-first into one of the windows, cracking it against her soft make-up ridden face. Before she went under, she moaned, "…Medic…"
She slid down the glass as a large flying fox looked out the window at the poor abused girlfriend.
Meet the Strange
In the very room the window Harley hit was, the Joker and Hugo Strange were laughing as the crazed doctor preformed surgery in the Joker's open chest…who was still awake!
The Joker was strapped in the operating table for his own good, his chest wide open, and a large devious machine in front of him from the ceiling. He had two tubes pumping blue liquid in his mouth that seemed to be keeping him alive
"Wait, wait, it get's better!" laughed Hugo Strange, wiping his tears, "The doctor made the patient eat his own tongue through hypnosis…and the doctor was never heard from again!"
At the punch line, Hugo Strange wildly laughed as he swung the scalpel in one hand and Joker's heart in the other hysterically. The Joker responded with an even wilder laugh and began to bang on the metal platter full of sharp and bloody surgical tools.
The two began to calm down, now sighing and chuckling. "Anyway," sighed Hugo Strange, wiping his brow, "That was how I lost my medical license. Heh."
The Joker didn't have time to respond, as something was in his guts, causing a burst of blood. From the blood was a small fruit bat, poking around."Silverwing! Get out of there!" shouted Hugo Strange, shooing the bat away from Joker's innards, "It's filthy in that clown's rotted gullet!""Ten years of booze and candy can do that to a person!" joked the Joker, still in high-spirits even at near-death.
"True, true," sighed Hugo Strange, who dropped the scalpel and grabbed a device from the small table in the far right corner.
"Now, most hearts couldn't withstand voltage as strong as this," explained Hugo Strange as he plugged the device into Joker's heart, then pressing it near the green mist emanating from one of the tubes in the dark machine, "But, due to your years of cheating death, I am certain yours will…"
And with that, it exploded, shooting bits of Joker heart everywhere. The Joker was looking at a picture of Amadeus Arkham so he didn't notice, but then, of course, heard the bloody splatter.
"What was that noise?" asked a concerned Joker.
Hugo was silent for a long time, then turning his head at Joker with a dark smile, "Hm, hm, the sound…of progress…" He rushed to the fridge and opened it, which was full of hearts from patients all over Gotham. He looked through the list, then gasped with pride as he saw a heart labeled, "SOLOMUN GRUNDY".
"Here it is!" he laughed, grabbing it and revealing the disembodied head of Ra's al Ghul, still alive.
"Write me," demanded the Demon's Head.
"Later," responed Hugo Strange, closing the door on Ra's al Ghul's face. He turned to Joker and wiped his nose, "Where was I? Oh yes, your new heart!"
He plugged the bloody device into the giant heart and placed it against the green mist again, glaring at it as it began to beat again.
"Yes…Yes!" hissed Hugo Strange. As the heart beated faster with a green light inside, he began to laugh maniacally. The Joker laughed to, only more confused and worried, wondering exactly what Hugo is doing to his new heart.
Hugo Strange stopped laughing and just leered at the heart, then gave a dark smirk as it stopped growing and maintained a green and semi-transparent form.
"Hm, looks healthy," remarked Hugo, simply letting it fall down onto the Joker's open chest, red blood splattering like a rock on a puddle.
"Uuuuhh, should I…be awake…for this?" stammered the Joker, looking at his new heart with suspicion.
"Aha, well, no," replied the strange man named Hugo, then asking, "But as long as you are, mind holding your ribcage out for a bit?"
"Strapped down, buddy!" yelled the Joker.
"Oh, too bad, this is going to heart," sighed Hugo, who began to push the heart into the Joker's ribcage, groaning as the Joker grunted.
Hugo finally pushed the heart in after much resistance, Joker yelled in pain as he felt something break. He looked to see Hugo holding one of the Joker's ribcages, already with cracks from many skirmishes with Batman.
"Don't be such a baby, Joker, ribs grow back," assured Hugo, who turned to one of his bats and whispered, "No they don't."
The bat flew away as Hugo grabbed the evil machine and pointed it at the Joker, turning a knob quickly. It shot a beam of green mist onto the Joker, his wound beginning to heal back quickly.
The Joker smiled as he looked at the wonder, seeing his open chest become a normal chest again, and proving that ribs do in fact, grow back. Hell, he even proved clothes are organs, for the Joker's clothes grew back as well!
The Joker sighed as Hugo undid the straps, patting his chest and feeling his own heartbeat. The clown inhaled deeply, then asked with a smile, "What now?"
"Now?" replied Hugo, smiling and grabbing the Joker's hand, "Let's go practice…medicine!"
With that, Joker and Hugo got ready to fight. The clown grabbed his gun and knife, with Hugo grabbing a handheld version of the dark machine that fixed the Joker. He cracked his neck as he led the Joker out the Medical Facility, a cloud of bats exiting as the two walked out the front doors.
Hugo Strange watched as he saw mortars across the sky as Harley was on the ground injured, Scarecrow and Mad Hatter hiding behind a rock, and Two-Face wheeling down the hill, screaming, "Coin says Medic!", before flying into the air as a mortar hit the ground behind him, landing on the dirt roughly.
One would be afraid, but not Hugo Strange, due to his obsession of being better than Batman, he pushed up his glasses and scratched his magnificent beard. With a roll, he rushed to Two-Face and shot a beam right at his hurt body.
Two-Face quickly got up and ripped the bandaged part of his body, revealing his scarred side again. Don't ask my why it couldn't just heal his whole face, I don't care, I'm tired.
The professor then shot the beam at Harley Quinn, who got up and grabbed her hammer, fully rejuvenated and ready to kick ass! She and Two-Face ran back to the front lines, Two-Face shooting at the GCPD with his shotgun as Harley bashed Harvey Bullock in the face with her gigantic hammer, laughing out loud.
Joker barricaded behind an overturned po-po car and saw a large crowd of filled with the men-in-blue. Joker turned to Hugo and yelled out, "Hey, Baldy! Are you sure this will work?"
Hugo laughed insanely, and then yelled out with a nutty gleam in his eyes, "I HAVE NO IDEA!" Strange flipped a switch, and shot a more concentrated blast of green goodness at the Joker, who stood in front of the crowd with a pose.
He flinched as he felt the beam hit him, then laughing madly as he stretched his arms and his body began to pulsate. His green heart began to pump wildly, causing his muscles to grow and bulge.
Joker's muscles began to bulge, his muscles increasing and his teeth turning jagged. And before you could say, "Nutsack on a haystack", Joker turned into a large muscular beast with long claws and green glowing eyes, his shirt ripped to reveal his pecs.
The Joker laughed in a dark and monstrous tone, rushing at the cops as bullets bounced off the flesh of the Joker. It did not even hurt the Joker, who laughed at their puny attempts at pain, with the professor of strangeness pumping him full of dark green mist. Not even a mortar was hurting the monster Joker.
"I AM BULLETPROOF!" laughed the Joker insanely, "JOKER SMASH! JOKER SMASH!" He began to tear and bash GCPD officer's like crazy, rushing through them and killing all that stood in his way.
Scarecrow and Mad Hatter watched this display of badassery, the Hatter clapping and laughing as the Scarecrow grew jealous and hateful.
It only took the newly empowered Joker to kill all the GCPD officers and laugh on top of the mountain of their bloody corpses, Hugo Strange standing beside him, pumping him with constant feel-good mist…the dawn approaching from behind…enhancing their feeling of victory…
Pyg's New Friend!
Batman and Robin were playing chess in the park, and as always, Batman was white and Robin was black, because Batman must always, and I do mean always, move first.
They both groaned as Professor Pyg stumbled to the two, not sure if he was drunk or drugged right now, most likely both.
"Hey! Hey! Listen!" snorted Pyg, waving his arms wildly, "You need to meet my new friend!"
Batman groaned again and turned to Pyg, "Listen here, you fat bitch! I don't want to hurt you today, because I can't tell if you like that or not!"
"Nooooo! You must meet him! He's so beautiful!" squealed the Pyg, rushing away from the two.
"What the hell is wrong with that…that?" let out Robin, sighing and slapping his forehead.
"I really….really, really…REALLY don't know," sighed Batman. They both saw him come back as he dragged a man wearing a pink version of Prince's outfit, having pink spiky hair and sharp teeth, white eyes that stare at your soul.
"This is my new friend, Flamingo!" introduced Professor Pyg, putting his arm on the Pink Prince's shoulder, "He's a new villain!"
Batman gave a wide-eyed response, but Robin began to laugh hysterically. "Are you kidding me? Flamingo? That is so god damn stupid!" Robin continued to laugh as Batman nudged at Robin as he continued to stare at Flamingo, who stared back at him, grinning and showing off those chompers of his.
"Robin, shut up, now," warned Batman.
"Okay, okay, what does he drive around in?" teased Robin, "A pink scooter?"
"No, a pink motorcycle!" revealed a proud Professor Pyg.
Robin laughed harder, slapping his thigh as Batman sighed and tried to stop Robin from laughing by shaking the boy's shoulder.
"Robin, shut up!" growled Batman.
"Oh, please! Are you intimidated by this?" laughed Robin, then asking Pyg as the boy was still laughing madly, "So, what does this Flamingo dude do?"
"He's a mafia hitman!" proudly and loudly shouted the professor.
"Are you serious?" laughed Robin, "He's wearing all pink, he drives around in a pink motorcycle, and he is named after a pink bird! That is so gay!""I'd shut up if I were you, Robin!" grunted Batman.
"Okay, okay, so what is his, dare I say, trademark? What is his modus operandi?" teased Robin, "Does he tickle them to death with pink feathers?"
Professor Pyg shook his head and stated, "No, he eats people's faces." Robin then instantly stopped laughing, his face frozen in a smile. Batman nodded with closed eyes and a frown.
"Are you…serious?" asked Robin, his frozen smile slightly going down.
"Yes, my sexy little friend," added Professor Pyg, "My friend Flamingo eats the faces of the whores of Gotham! He once invited a bunch of terrible actresses and ate all of their faces after forcing them to strip to their underwear and killed all but one with a serrated knife!"
"Oh," was all that Robin said, obviously disturbed and misjudging of the sadistic creature based on the pink bird. The Flamingo darted his head at Robin's direction, causing Robin to jump as the pink foe gave a deep grin with his razor-sharp teeth glistening in the sunlight.
"We, uh, we need…to…go…" let out Batman, getting up slowly.
"Uh, yeah, we need to…find…the Joker!" made up Robin nervously, getting up with Batman.
"Yeah! Yeah…the, uh, Joker…stole…cakes," lied Batman, backing away with Robin, "So, we will…just…"
"Go! Go away!" snorted Professor Pyg, "Cause mayhem and mayhem! Me and my new friend are just fine without you! Begone! Post haste!"
Batman and Robin bowed and left the creepy bastard children of Grant Morrison. Robin then whispered loudly to Batman, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I tried, but you didn't listen!" hissed Batman, both of them power-walking away in great speed.
Professor Pyg and Flamingo watched them leave, Flamingo reached into his pocket and pulled out a bloody face. He put it into his mouth and loudly chewed it with his sharp teeth, blood gushing out his teeth.
Pyg looked over and watched Flamingo gnaw on the dead bloody face, the professor licking his chops as he watched the man eat.
"Can I…have some?" asked Professor Pyg shyly. Flamingo replied with a shake of a head, apparently liking the taste of face.
EPILOGUE
The inmates have taken the asylum, and everyone wanted that new mega-heart Hugo was offering. Many of the asylum inmates waited outside Hugo's office, they included Scarecrow, Mad Hatter, Firefly, Killer Croc, Two-Face, Black Mask, and Mr. Zsasz.
In the office was Harley Quinn, shaking Hugo's hand after a successful operation and then bursting out the door with a joyous and triumphant laugh.
"Wow! Amazing!" laughed Harley, "You would not BELIEVE…how much this hurts right now!"
Suddenly, she felt a bulge in her chest and heard a chirp inside of her. Causing her to shriek and look down, seeing something push inside of her.
"Silverwing?" shouted out Hugo, "Is that you?"
Harley sighed and walked back into the office, closing it behind her.
The Banana Slug: I was just watching "Johnny Test", and it turns out the dad is kinda abusive. Not physical, of course. Verbally, debatable. Mentally, definitely. Why the constant punishment? Why the antagonism? Why the meatloaf? Are you trying to make a second Jeffrey Dahmer?
CALL CHILD SERVICES!
