Can't Help It
Chapter 12
"OMG I F-ing LOVE IT!"
"Do you speak entirely in capital letters? Like seriously?" Darcy asked, her face devoid of expression as she stared into the wide-eyed girl before her, currently seconds away from twirling in circles around Darcy's apartment.
Rich chuckled from where he was perched on the arm of Darcy's new couch, downing a beer he'd quietly poached from her fridge. Good god, who were these people.
Anna finally stopped jittering in place and forced herself to hold still for a hot second. "I am sorry, I'm being obnoxious aren't I? It's just that I've been looking for a place for weeks and, while I have gotten some really nice offers for people to eat my face I still haven't found a place—"
"What she's trying to say is that she really wants to live here," Rich interrupted. "And she is, shockingly, very excited about it."
Darcy couldn't help but give a skeptical wince. Anna seemed nice enough, pretty, with long, dark hair she had braided down her hip like a Disney princess, but she seemed… overwhelming? Yes, very overwhelming.
"I promise I'm not actually crazy," she replied, as if Darcy had spoken her thoughts out loud, looking up at Darcy with her wide, brown, Disney princess eyes. What was she some sort of animated character?
"Listen Anna, I'm not even sure—"
"Oh, god. Please don't tell me no," Anna suddenly gulped, almost pouncing on Darcy in desperation. "I've been living with Rich for almost two weeks now, and while The Return of The Frat House sounds like a title of a really good horror movie, I can't take it anymore!"
Darcy tried to shake the other girl's grasp on her arms, Anna having grabbed her somewhere amidst her monologue. "Ok, Anna, I'm gonna need you to take a deep breath," Darcy instructed slowly, taking hold of Anna's hand and making her take a slow soothing breath with her. "And calm down."
Anna did as instructed, slowly releasing her breath, her eyes losing some of their shiny, rounded, baby chipmunk qualities.
"Now," Darcy asked slowly, "do you have any pets?"
"No."
"How do you feel about red wine?"
"Most-assuredly pro."
"Do you listen to Ke$ha and/or Taylor Swift at an ungodly volume late into the night?"
Anna cracked a small smile. "Occasionally."
"Fair enough." Darcy almost smiled back—we all had our weaknesses. "And finally and most importantly: How do you feel about the male gender as a general populace?"
She could hear Rich snort from her perch, but Anna and Darcy remained locked in their serious conversation.
Anna stared at Darcy seriously. "They suck."
"Excellent. You're in."
By the time Anna had lugged all her stuff, one carload at a time over the span of about three weeks, we'd managed to fill our recycling bin with conspicuously empty wine bottles and bonded over countless nights on our leather couch googling Jon Hamm's penis.
"Question: is this dress trashy?"
I looked up from my Vonnegut novel to see Anna standing in my doorway, a dress still on it's hanger wedged around her neck so it hung loosely across the front of her body, falling about a foot above her knees.
"Follow-up question: are you going to be paid upfront by the strip club or only on a tip-basis?" I asked, smirking at her.
She purses her lips, slightly frustrated. "It's that short?"
I nod solitarily. "I can almost see your ovaries."
She puffs out a breath of frustration and falls unhappily onto my bed beside me. "God, I'm so bad at this. They should teach you valid life skills in college. Like tax returns, and what dresses are wedding appropriate."
I grin and tuck my hair onto the other side of my head so I can look at her, sprawled miserably beside me.
Living with Anna for the past three weeks had actually turned out to be fairly exciting. I hadn't been forced to make new friends since freshman year. It was an experiment in sociability that was proving most interesting. Turns out, I can be a moderately nice human being when forced. But the best part of Anna was that she'd grown up with Rich and nothing I could do would possibly offend her. This abject, natural inclination towards honesty had put us on wonderfully equal footing. Once the more Disney (she sings to birds. Like really? No one actually sings to birds!) aspects of her personality had been curbed by my natural cynicism; we'd realized we'd get along famously.
"So you're going to a wedding?" I asked, as she groaned in frustration and attempted the extract her head from the coat hanger.
She finally got the thing off her head and flung it unceremoniously across my bedroom. "Yeah, Matt's. You know, one of Rich's roommates? The quiet one. Rich wants to take me so he can prey on unsuspecting, desperate girls. It's like he thinks he's a character in a Vince Vaughn movie."
I grinned. "He does have his skeezy moments."
The biggest downfall to living with Anna was that Rich now felt it was his brotherly right to come over unannounced and clear out as much food from our fridge as was physically possible. Anna didn't seem to think much of this, but I was contemplating writing my name passive-aggressively on all my food or maybe changing the locks. All I know is that it's mostly upsetting to get out of the shower and find someone who hadn't been there previously lazing on your couch eating all your chips.
As if on cue, we both hear our front door open and close and simultaneously groan, rolling our eyes at each other. "Speak of the devil," I mutter under my breath while Anna rolls over and muffles her giggles face first into my pillow.
"Hel-lo, ladies," Rich said, squirming his way through my door just as I tried, unsuccessfully, to slam it in his face and wedging his unwelcome form into my bedroom. "Mind if I come in?"
I roll my eyes at him and try not to growl while Anna continues to giggle into my pillows. "What if we'd been naked in here?" I ask, staring at him coldly.
His eyebrows just shoot up and a Cheshire grins crosses his features. "Well, you wouldn't want me to miss the show, would you?"
Anna sits up. "Gross. I'm your sister."
"You were adopted."
"We shared a womb, you idiot."
"And I've been emotionally scarred ever since."
I interrupt before one of their infamous sibling squabbles can break out (just yesterday I cam home to find Anna sitting on Rich's chest, battering him with his own arms while simultaneously commanding him to stop hitting himself). "Why are you even here, Rich?"
Rich makes a deep sighing noise, and flops down on my bed, almost crushing poor little Anna in the process. She smacks him on the stomach in retribution, but he doesn't even flinch, rather stretching himself out lazily across my bed and fluffing my pillows under his head. "Can't a guy just drop by and see his two favorite women unwarranted?"
Anna and I'd eyes meet and we both simultaneously roll our eyes skeptically.
"How utterly benevolent of you, Richie dear. While you're here," Anna begins, smirking at her brother mischievously, "would you mind horribly doing a few things us poor, little, helpless, women can't seem to do for ourselves?"
I light flashes from behind my eyes like a toaster-oven going off with a ding! "Oh, yes, please, big strong male, could you save us from these difficult manly activities?"
Rich sits up, cracking his knuckles happily. "Have no fear, ladies. Just call me Prince Charming."
An hour later and we've coerced Richard into snaking our bathtub drain, changing all the outdoor light bulbs and cleaning the filters on the dishwasher while Anna and I sat nearby sipping strawberry margaritas and cheering on his grumbling masculinity.
"You two are evil," we hear him grumble from his knees, his upper body almost entirely obscured by the dishwasher.
Anna and I almost collapse on the floor in giggles, impressed that we've managed to keep him at it for so long and also giddy from the margaritas. Rich crawls back out of the dishwasher and collapses from exhaustion on our kitchen floor, pressing his reddened face against our cool tile floor.
"Malicious. You're horrible, horrible people and I hate you," he continues to grumble.
"Well. That's what you get for eating all our food!" Anna almost shouts back, having lost control over the volume of her voice after the second margarita and sticking her tongue out at her brother.
I suck down the rest of my glass before hopping unsteadily to my feet and proclaiming my need or another round.
"Can I at least have one now?" Rich asks, face still pressed to the floor. "I think I've earned it."
I reach down and pat him on the head like a puppy as I cross by towards the blender. "Good boy," I chuckles as I head off and begin dumping stuff unceremoniously into our blender. I finish and take a sip, tasting my concoction with a wince before shrugging and pouring it into cups for Rich, Anna and I. I try to hand him his, while he feebly attempts to hoist himself up before finally giving up. I place his cup beside his head and he holds up a weary thumbs-up of appreciation.
Anna and I head into the living room to perch ourselves happily on the couch and begin to browse through the latest array of Disney movies to arrive on our Netflix account. We still haven't settled on anything in particular when Rich wanders into the room with his margarita, staring deeply into the contents.
"How much booze did you put in this, Darcy?" he asks, looking up to eye me hesitantly.
I shrug. "What? Was I supposed to measure? I just pour until it looks pretty."
Rich grins at me and takes a sip of his drink with a wince. "It's revolting."
"Drink up, Frat Boy," I command.
"You're one of a kind, Darcy. Truly."
"I like her," Anna slurs from the other end of the couch while Rich joins us, plopping himself down directly between us.
"You got my sister plastered by 5 pm on a Sunday."
I grin. "Whoops." I throw a shrug in there and blink at him innocently to which he only responds with a chuckle.
"Did she tell you about Matt's wedding in a few weeks?" he asks.
I nod. "Yeah, she's struggling to find a dress. I'm sure she'll manage though."
"I like you two becoming friends," he says, his voice dropping as he looks over at his sister, who has drifted off to sleep, hear head against the arm of the couch, and is snoring softly. "She's never really had a ton of female friends."
I nod slowly. "Girls can be bitches."
He prods my arm. "And girls who pretend to be bitches can actually be pretty awesome." He grins at me playfully.
"Don't go saying shit like that, Rich, or I might have to start actually being nice to people."
"Don't balk," he orders gently. "You're a pretty cool girl, Darcy. Defensive as fuck, but pretty cool."
"What are you getting at here?" I ask, eyeing him skeptically, unable to feel comfortable in his analysis.
"Oh, I just need a tiny favor—and before you say no, just hear me out!"
I wince but motion for him to continue.
"A good friend's date just pulled out of attending Matt's wedding and we think maybe it'd be good for him to have a last-minute replacement. You know, no one should have to face that shit alone and whatnot. Especially on the tail-end of a break-up."
I wince again. "'Last-minute replacement?' You sure know how to flatter a girl."
He knocks my shoulder. "Come on. It'll be fun. All expenses paid. Fun little road trip. He's in the wedding so you won't even have to spend too much time doing the whole—"
"Pity date thing?"
Rich shrugs. "Essentially, yeah. But Anna and I will be there. It will be cool, I promise. You and her can even have your own hotel room."
I take a deep breath.
"Anna would probably really appreciate having a female ally. It would mean a lot to her."
"Low blow." I scowl at him, but look over at poor little, Disney Princess, Anna. Maybe it wouldn't be so horrible? To make new friends for a change. I take another deep breath. "Yeah… I guess that could be—" I wince again— "fun?"
Rich grins. "Awesome! You're the best! I'll tell Ethan tomorrow that he'll be covered." He grins at me wickedly and my mouth drops open in shock as I try immediately to protest, but I can tell he's already won.
That evil bastard.
"You're really going to trick me into being Ethan Bennett's date to a wedding."
"Yup." He nods happily.
"Fuck."
I'm alive! Yayyyyyy! You can thank my boyfriend for getting into a huge fight with me and causing me to hide out in a coffee shop all day for the creation of this chapter. I'm sorry it has been so effing long! (Also said boyfriend's fault) since I last posted. I'm going to make a point of getting back into again though. I promise!
Reviews always help speed things along. Don't let me make it another 4 (5?) months! Please. Encouragement is necessary!
Hope you enjoyed it
