A/N: I'm not going to say much, just thank you so much for the comments! Is great to know there are still people following this hahaha. I hope you guys like this next one! :D
Chapter 12
You stare at Chloe's apologetic face for a second or two before rushing to help her bring Gail back into your apartment.
"What the hell happened to her?"
"Fight night." She grunts under the blonde's weight as you kick the door close behind you.
"Are you kidding me?" You side under one of Gail's arms and help Chloe carry her to your couch. "Aren't those for rookies?!"
"Our rookie bailed, she took his place."
You take an annoying sigh, feeing the anger starting to bubble under your skin. "Of course she did."
The two of you carefully deposit her on your couch and you already know is going to be stained with Gail's blood. You hear her grunts as she shifts on the cushions but Chloe's voice distracts you before you can get too immersed in her pain. "I'm so sorry Holly but the only way I managed to get her out of there was by promising I wouldn't take her to the hospital." She opens her arms helplessly. "You were the first person that popped into my mind."
"Yeah." You gulp down the icy feeling on your stomach and get on your doctor mode. "I'll take care of her."
"Hey, I'm here you know?" Gail's voice is strained but it makes you feel a little better to see her talking. And a little angrier as well.
"You sure?" The redhaired woman asks playing with her hands. "I know you two aren't in the best of terms now, do you want me to stay? Can I help with something?"
"No, no it's ok I got it." You stare at the blonde woman laying on your couch, gripping her sides with a frown. "I'll drag her to the hospital myself if I need to."
"I'm not going to the hospital!" Her voice is stronger this time, but you keep ignoring it. If she wasn't so broken already you would love to punch her.
"Ok." Chloe walks past you shooting one last glance at Gail and places a hand on your shoulder. "Please let me know how she is later?"
You keep nodding when the door shuts close behind you.
Taking a deep breath, you turn around and find Gail staring at your floor. Both of her hands are folded over lap and she is blinking rapidly but you try not to overthink it.
You can feel your insides shaking with confusion as it is.
Part of you wants to throw a box of band-aids at her and send her home to deal with this by herself. This isn't your problem anymore, you had your fair share of picking up her pieces but it doesn't seem fair to you that she keeps coming back all bloodied and beaten when she will just get up and leave the moment you are done patching her up.
Part of you wants to smack her on the forehead, scream and shout at her to get over herself. To tell her to just gather all her shit and fix it one way or another. You want to scream at her until all her walls crumble and them you want to beat some sense into her because you are just sick and tired of seeing you best friend hurting like this.
And there is another part of you who just wants to hug her. Who wants her to feel safe and sound. Who wants to take all of the pain away and make it all better again, or at last. Who wants to go back in time to the days where she was happy and you were...dealing with it.
There may be tinny part of you that just wants to crawl into bed and sleep, to pretend this isn't happening and that you don't have to be in her presence. But it is too tinny and it end up lost among all the other thoughts and feelings that are fighting among each other inside you.
It is obvious that none of those parts win.
This is Gail and this is you. Of course, you will help her.
Or course taking care of bruised knuckles is the only thing you can do.
She hisses for the tenth time that night and you stop for a moment, until she nods you to go on.
"Jesus Gail!"
You can help but to mutter under your breath as you carefully wipe the caked blood from Gail's lips, gently holding her chin between your fingers as you press the gauze over her skin.
She has a split lip. A small cut over her eye brown. Another one on the top of her cheek. A black eye. And dark, angry, bruise on her jaw. Without mentioning the bruise that surely must be forming over her ribs, if the way she clutches to her side is anything to go by.
After Chloe had left, you had rushed to the bathroom to retrieve your 'upgraded' first aid-kit (perks of being a doctor) and started to assess Gail's injures. She didn't had any major wounds, they were all superficial and wouldn't even need stiches, but she would definitely be sore for a while.
Knowing Gail, and being familiar with her lack of hability to follow any medical advices, you were sure she'd be sore for even longer.
You felt the skin stretching under your hands as she shot you a smirk. "You should see the other guy. I won."
You repress a groan and simply stare at her incredulously. At least Gail has the decency to shrink under your gaze and avert her eyes. The silence hangs over the both of you and only after she gulps down her embarrassment and looks back at you expectantly is that you realize what she just said.
"Guy?" You gasp as your eyes widen. "How about Oliver? Chris? Nick?! I can't believe they let you do this! I can't believe HE hit on you!" The volume of your voice makes her cringe and you know she must be sporting a headache already, but you can't help it. Has everyone around you going mad? "Who the hell is HE?"
"Holly..." She whispers once your hands started to shake. You release her chin and take a few deep breaths to try and calm down.
How could they let her do this? You trusted them to take care of her, you always did, how could they have allowed this to happen? She could have been seriously hurt. It was way too easy to have a serious head trauma during a fight!
You never really trusted Gail when it came to her safety, you knew she was careful and didn't had a death wish but you also knew she was prone to put her job above all else and sometimes that scared you.
No, you had always trusted her friends to keep her safe. To have her back and make sure she'd always come back home in one piece.
Rationally, you knew they didn't had the power to control Gail's actions or tell her what to do, no one did. But you had expected them to at least drag her away from meaningless, stupid, absurd situations like that.
You made a mental note to call Oliver first thing in the morning and finally managed to swallow the lump that had formed on your throat.
Dropping the used gauze somewhere near the first aid-kit, you grab the ice bag that had been sitting beside you by the coffee table, and handles to her. "They should have stopped you."
"To be fair I didn't really gave them a choice, I just got up there and started hitting him" She carefully applies the bag over her lips.
"Why the hell would you do that for?" Your words may be harsh but your tone is softer than you intended.
"I...I don't...know." Gail mumbles and you sigh.
"Sure you don't."
Moving back to your first aid-kit you pick up another piece of gauze and start cleaning the cut over the cheekbone.
"Where is Taylor?"
Her eyes run over your room as if she's expecting the woman to pop up from thin air at any minute, and not for the first time it makes you wonder if her aversion to Taylor is simply a reflection of her normal aversion to people in general, or if there is something more to it.
You wish you could ask her, but even if you could you doubt she would give you a straight answer.
"Did Chloe mention if you were unconscious?"
If Gail was surprised by your dismiss of her words she didn't show it. Maybe she wasn't even expecting you to answer it on the first place.
"No."
"No, you weren't, or no she didn't mention?
She brings down the ice bag and it accidentally bumps into your knee. "No, I wasn't."
"Ok." You shift a little, sliding backwards on your coffee table to try and put some more space between the two of you. "Do you feel sick? Any nausea? Dizziness? Blurred vision?"
"Just a little dizzy. Ouch!" Gail hisses as you apply some cream over her wound, making you roll your eyes.
"Oh, I'm sorry did THAT hurt?!" Once again she averts her eyes and you softens a little, placing a small bandage over her cut. "Did you drink tonight?"
She shifts forward as you move to tend to her eyebrow. "Just one drink."
"How long ago?"
"A few hours." Gail shrugs and immediately wince at the movement. Her hand pressing against her side once more.
You finish applying the last bandage and closes your first aid-kit, discarding all the used items on a small plastic bag. "Raise your shirt, please."
She does as you ask and all the while you have to fight the urge to help her.
Once her ribs are exposed and you can have a good look at her torso you bring your hands to rest against the big purple bruise that has started to form. You press a little harder and she gasps, pulling away from your touch, but only for a minute.
You can see Gail closing her eyes and nodding for you to continue. Is only then that you resume your movements, carefully running your fingers over her skin and trying to feel anything out of ordinary.
Her skin is warm even through your nitrile gloves, and in the back of your mind you mourn the fact you can quite feel the smoothness of her skin under your fingertips. You know this is not the time, not the place to be having these kind of thoughts but you also know you can deny the effect Gail still has over you.
Still. Will you ever be able to detach yourself from it?
You feel her breathing getting caught up on her throat for a moment as your hand travels north, but she soon manages to get it under control.
Once you're sure there are no bumps over her side and no badly broken bones. You take the hem of the shirt from her hands and pulls it down again, causing her to finally opens her eyes.
She has a slight flush over her cheeks and you think the pain is finally catching up with her now that the adrenaline has passed.
You take off your gloves and checks your clock before fetching her some analgesics. She gladly takes them from your hands and gulps them down with a bottle of water, watching as you clean up the mess that is your coffee table.
"You're not going to ask me what happened?" Her voice is raspy, falling heavy against the coldness of your living room floor as you focus on cleaning every
You shrug your feeling away. "None of my business."
You are pissed at her for so many things, your anger is boiling inside making your entire body burn, but as she sits there looking so broken and so small you need to fight the urge to comfort her. You don't even know if she would want you to.
"I'm an idiot, you know."
Picking up the last of the dirty gauze, you make your way to the kitchen are so you can throw it the trash can. "Given all the different shades of purple on your face and your sides, I think that goes without saying. "
"No, I mean...I've being an idiot for a really long time now." She sighs and you come back, leaning against your kitchen counter to look at her. You have no idea where this is going and, to be honest, you are not quite sure you are ready to find out. "I..." "I don't even know how long exactly."
You frown and she plays with the water bottle. "If you don't start making sense soon I may actually drag you to the hospital."
"The blackout night." Icy blue eyes burrow into yours, so full of things you rather not name. So heavy and tormented you don't know how she manage to stay still, to be as quiet as she is, when there is so much screaming to be unleashed.
Taking a deep breathe you peel your eyes away from hers and wrap your arms tight around yourself. You need to keep yourself together, you need to keep yourself still. Resist the pull. Fight the lump on your throat.
"Gail..." You don't want to do this now. You can't phantom how you would be able to do this now.
She either doesn't listen to your soft words or they get shattered by weight of her own.
"You were going to kiss me." You can hear the shakiness in her voice, the frenzy. Gail's words spill from her lips in a rushed succession, stumbling upon each other as they try to make their way to you. "I know you were. I knew you were and it just...scared the living shit out of me."
There is no way to stop the blue from raising a storm within, you don't even need to look at her to know the intensity behind her eyes. Still, you need to try. You are not ready for this.
It is selfish but if there is one thing Gail has shown you is how self-centered you can be.
Once upon a time you were greedy for anything and everything that may involve her. Now you are intolerant, hasty in your need to stop her from saying all the things you once longed for.
"This is not the time to talk about this."
"Maybe not, but I can't go back in time." You can feel her gaze on you, but she remains silent for a few moments, until you finally raise your eyes to meet hers once more. "That night, you were going to kiss me and I freaked out. I panicked. I lost it. I panicked because you made me realize just how much I wanted that kiss. How much I still..."
Her voice cracks and you crack along with it, taking a deep breath to keep your tears away.
This isn't fair.
She can do this. Not now that you finally managed to untangle yourself away from her. Now that you have moved on. That you convinced yourself to move on. That you forced yourself to do so.
Gail has no right to throw you back into that same path again. You have Taylor now. You have a girlfriend that has given you nothing but good things.
This isn't fair.
You shake your head and press your fists against your eyes, to keep the tears from running free, to keep the anger from poring out. "Don't do this. Please don't do this…"
"I'm sorry it took me so long..."
"Gail, please stop." You speak a little louder this time, rooting your feet to the ground. To keep yourself from running, from dodging into your blankets wishing they could keep the world away.
"No, no please just..." The leather of your couch creeks but you don't hear any footsteps. At least she hasn't made a move to come near you. You don't think you would know how to deal with that right now. "Please, let me finish. Ok?"
You answer doesn't come but Gail doesn't waste time waiting for it. "Holly we've been friends for a really long time now, you're my best friends. You became such a huge part of my days, of my thoughts, of my actions, of my life, that I never realized..." She breaths and you rub your eyes harder, feeling all the small white dots behind your eyelids.
"All of my relationships were built out of thin air. Chris, Nick...we were never friends before we started dating, not really. Only afterwards, and even then, it was a bumpy ride from disliking each other to being friends, you know?" You do. You want to scream at her that you do. You were there through it all. Always have been. "The point is, all of my love life was built on effort. Picking up the right clothes. Asking the right questions. Trying, struggling even, to get to know each other. Fitting each other into each other's lives. Always something to be worked on. For me love is...was...a constant work in progress and yes, I did love them despite what anyone may say." Gail scoffs and you your heart pounds harder. "It was hard work, and it was tiresome and it was way too easy to blame the other person for not putting as much effort as you did. For not trying as hard. It never occurred to me that love could be easy, painless. I never believed that falling in love could be as simple as a slip."
'Love'. You feel the word hitting you in your chest. Taking the air out of your lungs and the ground from beneath your feet. Your knees are shaking but you force yourself to be upright. You can fall apart afterwards.
Once the tears start to ran pass your hands, though, you know you are crumbling even so.
"And I'm an idiot, such an idiot, because somewhere along the way I slipt." Her voice is softer now, watery. "I just...I was so focused on not building anything with anyone that I never realized I never had to build anything with you." You know she is crying as well and deep down you want to tell her it will only make her headache worse. But you can't bring yourself to speak. "Loving you was so easy and so natural and so comfortable that I never realized I was in love until the day you got a little too close and I realized it wasn't close enough."
The hurt implodes in your chest. Clutching at your heart as her words keep mocking you. Why did this had to happen now? She had years to realize her feelings. She had months to deal with it. Weeks to figure everything out.
You were fine.
You were getting fine.
It wasn't hurting as much. You finally had a life outside her grasp. Why did she had to do this to you?
This wasn't fair.
You had kept so many things inside, had restrained yourself from telling her so many things. Why couldn't she have done the same for you?
"You were going to kiss me and I freaked out because there was nothing in this world I wanted more than to close that gap between us and kiss you too."
Finally, you take your hands from your eyes, banging your head against the wall and shaking you head.
"Gail. Stop." Your tone was harsher now. There were too many things stirring inside you now. But the anger was starting to win. You were so angry. At her. At you. At life. "Don't do this, please don't do this."
"I know I fucked up." Her shoulders sank and her ran a hand over her face, not even bothered by the bruises and cuts. "You have Taylor now, you're happy with her and she is...she's really good for you. But God I wish I had said something sooner."
And so you reached your breaking point. Not the point in which you collapse, though, but the point in which you explode.
"Why didn't you?!" You looked at her, noticing how startled she had become as your features get harder.
It took her a moment of two to gather herself before she was speaking again. From the first time since she had started you had actually engaged in this conversation, so far you had only been listening, and you can tell it scared her more than anything. "I told you, I didn't know what I was fell..."
"That's bullshit!" You gulp down and lower your tone. You don't want to scream at her, but if her words had been rushed out in a jumble mess, yours have been lining up for too long at the back of your throat. "You can say you didn't knew. That you were trying to rationalize it. To understand. You can say you were confused about me being a woman, being a friend. You can say all that you want but that's all bullshit Gail and you know it." She doesn't even blink at your accusations. "Why haven't you said something sooner?"
Gail doesn't skip a beat. "I was afraid."
"Of what?"
"Of getting hurt."
The chuckle that leaves your mouth leaves a bitter taste behind. "So you hurt me instead? You push away and cut all ties with me? Ignore me as if I didn't exist anymore?"
She gulps down and you can see her jaw clenching. "Why didn't you?!" "If you liked me THAT much, why did YOU said something?"
For a moment you can see that Gail is just as angry as you are. Just as frustrated. At you, at herself, at the way things happened. At how stupid you both were. This is enough to cool you down, and just like that, the tiredness and the sorrow take over you once more.
"What if I had?" You say softly, but she flinches either way. "Be honest with me. Be honest with yourself. If I had told you right from the start that lo...that I liked you more than I should, wouldn't you have run away? I didn't say anything and you still ran away." Shrugging, you see as she stares at her feet. "I never said anything because I rather have you as my friend, sneaking into my bed after your hookups so I was sure you were safe, than not to have you in my life at all."
"But it didn't work all that well."
Sighing you pull your sleeves over your hand to keep the cold from getting in. You are shaking already as it is.
Empty minutes pass by the two of you, filled only with the gloomy beats of your clock.
"I'm sorry." She whispers tiredly. "I'm sorry for being a jerk. For making you feel you had scared me in a bad way. It was just...so, disturbing I didn't knew what to do. What to think. How to act…so I did what I'm good at and I shut off." Sniffing she rubs her eyes, and you see her flinching as her skin hits one of her bruises. "Took me a while to process everything."
"But I think I have now? I mean, I've cried. A lot. And I got angry. So, so angry at myself because...you have Taylor now, and you're...you're happy with her. She's good to you, right?" The word echoes in your mind, she IS good to you, right? "I missed not only my chance of loving you but I also lost my best friend."
"That's why you got on the ring?" You whisper back.
Blue meets you again and she gives you a sad smile. "They say you can't hurt in two places at the same time and I can't stand this ache anymore. I needed a pain a could understand." Shaking her head, Gail repeats your words. "But it didn't work all that well."
Nodding you pull away from the wall, testing the strength of your legs before starting to make your way to the bedroom. You are tired, God, you are so, so tired. But somehow you know you won't be able to sleep.
You just need an excuse to hide yourself away.
"I don't think you have a concussion but you should crash here just in case you feel bad during the night." Pointing towards the closet behind your front door you stop by the side of the couch. "You know where the extra blankets are."
"Holly?" Gail's hand shot up, but she restrains herself before she ca wrap her fingers around your wrist. "She is good to you, right? Taylor? You are happy, aren't you?"
Taking a deep breathe you nod, she is good to you. For so many reasons.
Taylor is good to you and that is all there is.
"Good." Gail nods too before bending to the side to rest her good cheek against the arm of your couch. "I think I'm going to lay down now."
You don't turn back as you make your way towards your bedroom, trying to run away from the cutting sounds of your clock.
It is too late now, far too late, and you can't help but to wonder if there was ever a time when it wasn't.
