- Shizuo -
Affection? For... me? What the...?
"I don't understand it either if that makes you feel any better," he says dumbly.
I want to punch him so badly right now. He's telling me all this and he still won't even look at me. "Well, it doesn't," I grumble.
The look I catch on his face is... heart-wrenching. I can't believe that I'm the reason he looks so miserable right now. I shake my head vigorously and lean forward to put my cigarette out in an ashtray on the coffee table. I lean back again, looking at him in confusion. "Wait a minute... what about the person you were talking about earlier? Shouldn't you be saving all this, you know, for them? If this is still practice, it's a bit heavy handed," I mutter feebly.
"You're lucky you're so pretty because you really are a moron, Shizu-chan," he mumbles into his lap.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I ask angrily.
"You still don't get it, do you?" he whispers.
"What are you...?" I start, the words die on my lips when he finally raises his eyes to meet mine again.
"It's you, you idiot. It's always been you." He chuckles and smiles weakly, forcing his eyes to stay on mine.
My heart lurches in my chest and my breath catches in my throat. I can feel my mouth moving as if to say something but no words come out.
He blinks at me slowly. "Did... did you hear me, Shizu-chan?"
"Um... yeah... I did. I just. I'm processing. I don't. I don't know what to do with this information," I sputter.
He chuckles softly to himself again. "I had the very same reaction earlier."
"But... wait. When did...? You hate me. When did you... not?" I force out.
"Wow. Eloquently spoken, Shizu-chan," he teases, earning a glare from me.
"No. What I meant was," I shake my head, finally able to clear my thoughts. "When did you start NOT hating me?"
"If I'm honest with you, and myself, I don't think I ever truly hated you, Shizu-chan," he admits, looking away again. "I think I knew you were special from the moment I met you and - like I figured out for myself earlier - I didn't know what to do with my feelings. So, they just twisted into... Well, you know the rest of that story, don't you?"
I continue to stare at his profile and sit there dumbly, trying to absorb what he's telling me and piece together everything he had said throughout the night. When I don't say anything, he fidgets in his seat and resumes his explanation. "Shizuo... I think my feelings were so strong that I couldn't admit what they really were. I had never felt anything like this my whole life... it confused me. Such a strong feeling for me had to be hatred, right? It wasn't fear because you didn't scare me... you still don't. At least not in a formal sense of the word."
I drop my gaze to his hands and see that are trembling. Before I realize what I'm doing, I reach my hands over to grasp his, trying to stop their shaking. He looks at my hands in disbelief. "I... I'm sorry to put all this on you like this. I must sound ridiculous," he says sadly as he starts to pull his hands away from mine, emotionally backpedaling.
"Izaya. Damn it. Look at me," I say firmly, trapping his hands in mine. Finally meeting my gaze, his garnet eyes sad and full of questions. My heart pounds in my chest, so loudly that I swear he can hear it. "Why do you look so sad?"
"I... I don't know. I'm just getting ready for your reaction. Your... rejection. At least I got to be your friend for a few hours," he says shakily, with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes as he tries to sound like the normal carefree Izaya I know. He fails miserably.
I shake my head at him and my eyes soften as I give his hands a small squeeze. "Remember earlier when you caught me talking to myself at my door?" He nods, eyes confused at the seemingly abrupt change of subject. I take a deep, shaky breath before continuing. "Well, I was talking about you. So I guess what I technically said was 'what are you doing to me... Izaya?'"
His mouth drops open slightly and he snaps it shut before saying anything. His eyes drop back down to where my hands are holding onto his firmly then look back up at my face. I smile softly as I watch him trying put everything together.
Something finally clicks and Izaya grasps my hands tightly. "What... what do I do to you, Shizuo?" he pleads, eyes begging for me to clarify.
"Do I really need to spell it out for you?" I ask as he nods eagerly. I sigh and pull him over into my arms, holding him close to my chest. He stiffens slightly as if unsure of what to do. "I don't know... I guess you're not the only one who feels that way, you idiot. You make me feel things that I don't really understand... but I guess they're not completely unenjoyable. At least they aren't now. Since that they're straightened out and in the open."
I feel him relax and turn into my embrace. His hands tentatively wander up my arms and clasp behind my neck as pulls himself in closer. "That's exactly how I feel, Shizu-chan... I just didn't expect to be able to talk to you so... openly. Nor did I expect this outcome," he mumbles against my neck. "You know... I was terrified when I realized why I wandered back into Ikebukuro. Now, I'm really glad I did."
"So am I," I murmur, my arms wrapping tighter around his frame, almost possessively. I feel him laugh lightly against my neck causing me to shiver slightly. "What is so funny?"
"This," he says plainly.
Chuckling in response I run my hands soothingly over his back. "It really is... but honestly this is much better than fighting."
"I'm sure this isn't the end of that, though," he claims as he pulls away from my neck and backs out of my embrace slightly. "I always did enjoy our battles, Shizu-chan. It would be a shame if they stopped all together."
"Yeah, it would." I pull my arms away from him and he frowns slightly. "What? What's that face for?"
"Shizu-chan let go of me..." he whines.
My face deadpans before I burst out laughing. "God... who knew you were this needy?"
"Really?" he inquires incredulously with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah... You always needed to be the center of everything. I don't know why it would surprise me that you would be like that in a relationship," I declare.
"Relationship?" he whispers in disbelief.
"Well... um... you know what I mean... friendship?" I stammer, trying to correct my obvious misstatement. "We're... friends right?"
"Is that really what you want?" Izaya asks quietly.
"I... don't... I don't know," I mumble. "What is it that you want, Izaya?"
"You," he says with a serious face. "I thought I was clear about that."
