Blood and Tears

Chapter 12: Screaming Inside

The palace couldn't stay in complete lockdown so they kept a high security restriction and only let certain people leave. I was not one of those people. Rules were made that everyone had to follow, especially Zuko and I, which made my days utterly boring. So I spent my time either in the practice room working out, or hanging out in the kitchens with all of my old friends. Sokka and Ari kept me well informed on what was going on throughout the city and Katara and Aang kept me company.

"Why do you work out so much?" Aang asked me as we were walking from the practice room early one afternoon. I wiped my brow with the back of my hand and grinned with a slight satisfied sigh. Katara was walking next to Aang panting, because I had kicked her butt in a friendly sparring match.

"Well, a habit I learned in the war was always staying in shape, because we had to carry big packs and fight on top of that. So working out is just an everyday routine for me now," I replied as I stopped to do a quick stretch. I sent the two ahead and told them I'd meet them in the dining room after I had changed and finished up stretching in the hall way.

"Why the hallway?" I heard Aang ask.

"Better flat surfaces!" I called back flipping a leg up flat against the wall over my head. As I cooled down and did my stretching I heard voices coming from a nearby room. I stopped what I was doing and walked over to the doorway and stood outside it, listening.

"I'm so glad you're back, it wasn't very much fun here without you," A female voice said. I recognized it as Mai, one of Azula's friends and my temper flared. Why were we letting people like her into the palace? For all we know she could be a spy. Then it dawned on me, all of Azula's friends had turned on her.

"I was gone a little over a week," Zuko's voice replied and my heart dropped. Of course I shouldn't have expected us to just pick right up where we left off, especially since he had pushed me away before I had even left, but I still had hope.

"Well it was a week too long."

"Look Mai, can we talk?" There was a pause and a giggle, I was sure she wasn't capable of laughing or giggling. I frowned as I listened.

"We are talking," She told him being a smart ass about it. I heard Zuko begin to say something when he made a funny noise. I tentatively peered around the corner only to see that they were now lip locked. Before I could even react with anger Ari spoke from behind me, scaring me half to death.

"Raine, Iroh and I need to speak with you, if we could," He said blowing my cover. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Zuko pull away and look at me, his expression reading something like that of remorse. I didn't care though; currently all I wanted to do was rip his face off.

"Yeah, just let me change really fast," I told him walking steely faced back to my room as I held in the pain. I repeating told myself I wasn't going to cry as I silently fumed in my room. I kicked a few things as I pulled the small sports bra type leather shirt off and pulled on a long comfy robe. I left the shorts on underneath it though.

"God, how could I be so stupid to think he still loved me?!" I yelled kicking a couple more things. Ari knocked on my door and I composed myself enough to go out to the throne room with him. He knew something was wrong but he didn't dare ask me. I kept my face staring straight ahead; knowing full well the look on my face was one that was cold and harsh. Iroh was waiting with tea, and it made me feel a little bit better.

"We need to come up with a plan if Azula attacks us."

"Ask Sokka, I can't really focus right now," I told them both. They didn't listen to me, but they also didn't ask what was wrong. Instead, they pushed me for answers; they were as desperate as I was.

"We need something Raine!"

"Have Aang rally an army, I know he's plenty capable of that. I can't do it, I can't even leave these walls," I told them. I felt like I was dying inside, or that I was screaming, but I couldn't make a sound, so I was just screaming inside.

"Oh, we could set a trap!" And like that they began to plan without me. I don't think they even noticed when I set my untouched tea down and walked out. I made my way out to my favorite spot, underneath the biggest tree in the courtyard. There I lost myself in thought.

"Why is it that I am constantly reminded of how fragile happiness is?" I asked myself.

The sun rose blood red the morning I left, the same color as Iroh's eyes last night. I had gotten up early to wander about the place I grew up in and lament about my life here. There was a chance I was never coming back, and that scared me a little. I paused under a giant elm tree, which happened to be Zuko's favorite spot, and the favorite spot of my own. I looked up and gazed at the red through the branches.

"You know, they say a red sunrises when a heart breaks," his voice was faint and quiet from behind me. I spun quickly and faced him, tears now running down my face. He would be the only one today to see my tears.

"Zuko, I'm scared, I so utterly scared and alone. I'm afraid that I won't feel your embrace, ever see your smile, or hear your voice again. I don't want a world without you, because that world would be a living hell," I cried. He smiled, it playing softly on the corners of his mouth and wrapped me in a loving hug. He lightly kissed the top of my head.

"I know you'll be okay, because you aren't weak and you never give up. You were born a fighter, and the Devil himself would personally have to fight you for your soul, and trust me, it'd be one hell of a fight too," he began. "You're always giving me words of wisdom from what you remember of the water tribe, and I think it's time I gave you some advice. Don't do what you think is right do what you feel is right. The outcome will always work out in the end." We stood there, staring at one another until finally I spoke up.

"Zuko, promise me something…"

"What?"

"Promise me that you'll wait for me, that you'll wait for my return. I know I will, forever, until this war is over."

"Of course Raine, I promise."

"I love you," I said, and when he wouldn't say it back I knew that the promise we just made, had been broken.

A sound broke my train of thought and when I looked up I saw Zuko walking toward me.

"What happened to our promise? Why were you so quick to replace me? Was I just not good enough for you?!?!? I knew something was up, but I figured that if it were someone else, you would have just told me. Guess I was wrong," I snapped as him jumping to my feet. Zuko was now in my face, looming over me by two inches.

"Because I thought you died Raine, and when I found you again you acted like you changed."

"A promise is a promise, the kind of stuff that's suppose to be unbreakable!" I replied. But his best defense was that I changed. He just kept saying that…

"I changed huh? Death does that to people you know. How many people you've cared about have died in your arms, how many lives have been taken on your accord? How much blood do you have on your hands? Of course I changed, a war changes people, is there anything I can do about that?"

"I'm still better off than you are."

"How is that, by blaming Ursa's death and the death of my mother on me? Or removing me from your life? Oh yeah Zuko you've really changed!" I quipped. He mumbled something along the lines of 'removing you was the best thing I'd ever done' and I slapped him hard across the face. There was a shout and Mai began running out toward us: most likely to the 'rescue'.

"Don't touch him!"

"Back off bitch, this has nothing to do with you!" I hissed turning my back on Zuko. Mai was furious and I found myself shaking with rage.

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Well if you would stay out of my business then I wouldn't have to tell you what to do!" I hissed in reply, my voice getting to the scary low register. For the moment Zuko had pushed aside our fight to break up what could be a fight between Mai and me.

"Mai, stay out of this, please?" he asked her. But I wasn't about to let that fight go so soon. The instant he touched my shoulder I turned on him, lashing out with more harsh words. I should have just hit him again.

"Just tell me why I wasn't good enough for you: was it because I'm a waterbender? Or was it because I was just too good for you?"

"Maybe it was because you took everything too seriously?!"

"Oh, now I'M the serious one?!?!" I shook my head scoffing at him and storming off. This wasn't worth my time. I grabbed my cloak from my room and began to head outside to the gates. Katara and Aang tried to stop me and I yelled at them.

"Don't touch me!" I hissed, my hand slapping them away from me. Sokka then tried to help.

"If anyone tries to stop me again, I swear you will die. Just leave me the hell alone!" With that I flipped up the hood of my cloak and strode out the gates. No one tried to stop me.

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As Raine began to leave I let out a heavy sigh. 'Good going Zuko, look what you did.' I thought. Mai tried to give me a hug and I pushed her away. She gave me an odd look, acting hurt.

"Are you upset with me?" She asked. I nodded.

"Why?"

"I don't want to talk about this right now.'

"Zuko, you have to tell me what's going on here or I can't help you," Mai said her arms folded across her chest.

"I used you to fill an empty void in my life after Raine left. You were my pain killer, to keep it from continuing to hurt me, but that can only last so long. Pretty soon you get and overdose and get hurt more than you intended. I made a mistake Mai. I did one too many stupid things, and it's time I fix them while I can." Mai stood there staring in pure disbelief. Slowly she shook her head.

"No, no, you can't do this to me again!"

"Too late I just did."