I don't own ASOUE, but I do own Emily.


"You bitch!"

"YOU'RE a bitch!"

"Skank!"

"Road whore!"

The Baudelaires and Quagmires collectively rolled their eyes at the ruckus coming from the other side of the cafeteria. It had only been two days since the last fight had broken out, and they were growing very tired of the violence.

"Looks like Carmelita and Emily are fighting." Isadora sighed.

"Again." Violet added with a bored groan.

"Emily's gonna lose what's left of her weave." Klaus deadpanned. "I'll bet this applesauce." He pointed at the small cup of applesauce on his lunch tray.

"Done." Sunny mumbled, which meant something along the lines of, "I'll take that bet." She and Klaus shook on the deal.

After watching the fight for ten more minutes, there was a faint ripping sound and a scream.

"Pay up."

Sunny eagerly handed Klaus the applesauce next to Violet's tray.

"This is getting boring." Duncan yawned and moved to get up. "I'm going to the computer lab, does anybody want to come with?"

"I do. As entertaining as it is to watch them fight, I've had about enough." Violet got up out of her seat and picked Sunny up.

"I'll go too." Klaus got up and picked up his tray.

"I'm always up for lab time." Isadora followed suit. "Let's go."

The four of them bussed their trays and headed to the computer lab.

Once they were settled in and gathered around a computer, they let themselves relax. Since they were the lab's only occupants, it meant that they could do whatever they wanted, which in this case was looking up internet memes of the past on Google Images.

"Ooh, Bad Luck Brian!" Violet squinted to get a better look at the picture of a red-headed boy with freckles and a red sweater. "Haven't seen that one outside of Reddit in awhile."

"I like Insanity Wolf." Isadora pointed to a photo of a roaring wolf on a gray background. Duncan clicked on the 'view page' link, only to be led to an Instagram page.

"'Thetic!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something along the lines of, "Wow, pretty pictures!" The photos in question were mostly comprised of aesthetically pleasing food, sunsets, and nail art, as well as a blurry picture near the bottom of the page.

"What's that?" Klaus pointed at the blurry picture. Duncan clicked on it, and immediately recognized it as their lunch table.

"That's us!" He said, outraged. "'Look at these losers, ew kill yourselves"?!"

"Ugh, who posted this?" Isadora asked before glancing down at the username. "Oh. Of course. This is Carmelita Spats' account."

"What?" Klaus followed Isadora's gaze to blue lettering that read 'xXPinkPrincess98Xx'. "Oh."

"She posted this?" Violet looked disgusted.

"This is just an old one." Duncan clicked on the username.

The profile page was a bright, oversaturated mess filled with a mixture of meals, outfits of the day, duck-faced selfies, and many unflattering pictures of various students. The Quagmires were in at least seven of them, and the Baudelaires were featured in at least four.

The first photo they clicked was one from just a few days ago, and it was a side shot of Violet sitting at the lunch table with Sunny in the seat next to her. She was deeply hunched over as though she were picking something up off the floor, and there were obvious folds in her stomach that could be seen through her blouse. The caption read something along the lines of, 'lol U CAME 2 THE WRONG SCHOOL lmao fatass bitchhh'.

"What the fuck!" Needless to say, Violet was outraged. "Okay, fuck her, I am not fat."

"There's this one too." Duncan clicked on the next photo, which was from two months ago. It was a shot of Isadora in an unflattering gym uniform, sitting on the sidelines and holding a wad of tissues against her nose. The caption read, 'lol i hope ur nose is broken dumb bitch lmao'.

"That was the day I got hit in the face with a hockey puck!" Isadora's eyes widened. "I can't believe she photographed that!"

"I can." Duncan clicked on another photo from the previous week. This time, the subject was Klaus, seconds after being hip-checked by another student. This time, the caption read, 'lol sucks 2 be u lmao TWEAKER BITCHHHHHH'.

"That's fucked up." Klaus shook his head in disgust. "Why would she post this stuff on Instagram of all places? And where the hell does she get off, calling me a tweaker?!"

"Because she's a bitch, and that's what bitches do." Isadora sighed. "We're not the only ones she's done this to, but we seem to be her favorite subjects."

"Why is she even allowed to do this?" Violet asked.

"It's a personal Instagram account. The school can't really do anything about it. Besides, even if they did find a way to punish her, she'd probably still do it. That's just the kind of person she is."

"They never punish her for always having her cell phone out, even though we're not even supposed to have them in the academic buildings." Duncan scrolled down the page and stopped with the cursor resting over a photo of a bright pink, sparkly iPhone case. "I never could figure that one out."

"Actually, she got detention for it when we first started here." Isadora interjected. "She skipped, and kept doing it anyway. Now the teachers don't even bother."

"Funny how the only rules they actually enforce are the ones that don't make any sense." Klaus grumbled.

"I guess they got a lot of shit from parents about punishing their little angels." Violet rolled her eyes. "Because enforcing rules is child abuse, I guess?"

"And these rules aren't?" Klaus raised an eyebrow.

"No use trying to figure out Nero's logic." Duncan shook his head in resignation. "To be honest, I'm pretty sure he's on something."

"Ugh." Sunny grunted, which meant something along the lines of, "At this point, it wouldn't surprise me."

The bell rang, signifying that lunch was over.

"Shit." Violet groaned. "Well, it was nice while it lasted." She picked Sunny up and pushed her chair in. "We'll see you guys at dinner."

"See ya."