Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I felt when you left me
A rose in the rain
- Cradle of Filth, Nymphetamine
Rin shuddered at the memory of last night. She had woken up in the afternoon, her mouth very dry and her head aching. She eventually slipped out of bed, peeking out the window. It looked lovely outside; the sky was filled with a thin film of mist that cast a dusky hue over the landscape. She longed for silence and freshness and decided she would go for a short walk.
Kagura and Sadao were out. Her friend had left a note on the bench, letting her know they had gone to do some food shopping and to ring her if she needed anything. Oh and there were tablets and food for her on the table. Rin smiled; she was lucky to have a friend like Kagura. She must do something for them to repay their kindness. But what could she do? She felt Sadao would be overjoyed only by her presenting her husband to him. Rin blushed at the casual thought of Sesshomaru running through her mind. She sat down to eat the fruit and tea her friend had left for her and wondered what the Lord Sesshomaru could be up to; what was he thinking - who was he with? Her curiosity diminished as she thought of the tall lady with brown hair. Rin switched off her dangerous line of thought.
Kagura liked spiritual things, like Daruma dolls - it seemed like the ones Rin had seen in the house were quite faded. She might go down to the local temple to buy one and pray. It had been a while since she did anything like it - she was always with a Prince of Demons and had little need for prayer. But it would do her no harm to pray to the local spirits that guarded her friends.
She dressed herself, washed her face and headed out of the house. She walked down the quiet streets, winding her way down to a road that was bordered by forest, and she loved to gaze within the green shade and imagine the ancient spirits of the place shifting silently within the trees, whispering like the wind through the leaves. There was a sudden breeze that breathed an earthen sweet smell to Rin in the cool of the evening and her soul felt revived. This - this was where she was at peace, where she felt at home - in the ageless face of a forest that stood before the buildings around it, and would continue to stand even after the buildings were rotten to the ground. Just like one of these trees, she thought how Sesshomaru also saw the passing of many settlements and cities through his lifespan, and like the fathomless trees he stood almost silent, just as still, and evergreen and youthful through the window of time and age.
Here was far more poetry, far more beauty in her eyes, than in all the lights and sounds of the city. She stepped closer to the treeline to feel the long grass against her legs, and the tips of the tree leaves brush against her face. The temple was down a path through the forest, and she gladly stepped on to the walk way of stones that led her in to the heart of the evergreen glade. The constant hushing of the leaves and the distant sound of water rushing somewhere, coupled with the song of birds and crickets, pleasured her ears far more than the booming beat of a club. It had its place but - this was tranquillity defined.
Rin came to the Torii and went through the ritual before paying her respects to the gods. There were a few people milling around, either admiring the atmosphere and taking in the splendour of nature, or quietly chatting to each other. Rin walked to the little stall that sold charms and household items. She bought a few Daruma dolls and also a fan, and paid the lady extra. She sat by a fountain and wondered why she hadn't come to temples before - their peace transcended even the quietude of a housed street. Even though she had a very Great Spirit of the gods living alongside her for most of her life, any purity was shrouded by his form as a Demon, and his own unique nature. Rin felt security in his presence, and a sort of safe comfort, but not quite the elevated peace of this place. Maybe she did need an objective spiritual influence; she had fallen deeply in love with a member of heaven's High Spirit's, but it clouded her experience of any spiritual connection.
Her spirit sought Sesshomaru in a very different way to the way in which one sought a more belief driven experience. If she were to ever hope to continue with Sesshomaru - she hoped she could feel towards him as she did toward the green trees of the forest - pure, peaceful - transcendent. Yet it would always be coupled with such fervent, consuming desire that could only be quenched by the object of her also pure love. It was the light and dark of love that troubled her - she could not rid herself of the passion that ran like fire inside her whenever she was in the presence of - even thought of - her soon not to be husband. Nor had he inspired her with the divine clarity that true loves bestows. He was a great murky mist of grey to her, a creature of utterly veiled intention and emotion, as Sadao had also deducted. Rin gazed hard in to the emerald haze of the forest around her and sighed. There had really never been any hope, of a Great Demon and a small mortal ever meeting upon the eternal plane of love that equalises all.
'Oh but there is'
Rin jumped as the old lady who had served her at the stall stood next to her, bent, withered but with a smile as old and fresh as the trees around them.
'You knew what I was thinking?'
'Perhaps. Or maybe the charm you absently bought alongside your other trinkets told me something.'
Rin frowned suddenly, looking in shock through her bag. Sure enough, there was a charm there she had not intended to pick up let alone buy. It was for the hope of a god to reconcile with the holder of the charm.
'You are the Great Dog Demon's mate, are you not?'
Rin could only nod, slowly replacing the charm back in the bag.
'Well my dear' the old woman sat next to her, her back creaking slightly. 'As you say - love is an equalizer - upon it Kings have sacrificed their thrones for a low maid, and servant boys have slain beasts to gain a Princess's favour. You cannot tell me a Demon and a girl are any different if they meet upon the same divine platform. One rises, one lowers, both become one. In fact, let me tell you something - ' the old woman shuffled a bit closer and dropped her voice a little lower. 'If you fear the passing of your life so quickly in the face if a timeless spirit, have you not considered the very connection that binds you? Your body may be earth bound, but what is within you, and what sets your soul in to fire when you think of your husband - those things are as eternal as the Great Lord Sesshomaru himself. I am surprised he has never told you this at all - folly to the characteristic pride and silence in his family line. What I am trying to say is - if he meets you equally on the divine plane of love - if it is bound and consumated, you, the human, and he, the Demon, will become one - half and half of each other - both living and dying at once. That is how it is in the realm of gods. Love binds the souls and the bodies. The earth and its laws have no power over such a union.'
Rin was listening with such incredulity that her eyes filmed over with tears. She felt as though a door from heaven had cracked open, and one of its eternal secrets had been bestowed on her. Could this be true?!
Despite this, Rin eventually shook her head sadly.
'I thank you deeply for your wisdom and kindness - if only it were true. Even if this were to happen, it cannot. I love him, but there is no such emotion in the spirit of the Demon. I - I must move on, and not dwell on these things that may give me even more vain hope to torture myself with. Please, may I return this?' Rin held out the charm for reconciliation with a god to the lady 'I have no need for it'
The old lady's gaze went from studying Rin's face, to the charm. After a moment her wizened old hand took it from her. Rin waited, feeling as though the lady had more to say.
'You know' the lady sighed, her tone considering, 'I have met the Demon Prince many times in my life.' She glanced up shrewdly at Rin to register her reaction. She was satisfied with the little woman's look of amazement and interest. 'I was a priestess for his mother's shrine in my youth. I honour your feelings, my Lady, and I also read deep hurt in you. But let me leave you with this. When I was a girl, Sesshomaru was a very feared, hated and ostracized being. But ever since you entered his life, he is a different creature. Rarely has a woman of mortal kind affected an eternal being in such a telling and powerful way. You may want to reconsider the idea you have of his utter control of you. From what I have seen and heard, it is - quite the opposite. The tides of his eternal spirit which I see in my journeys to the realm above flow only to you.'
Rins breathing was shallow and her head swam. This was surely beyond coincidence. Had someone sent this High Priestess? If so, who? How was she here, at the local shrine in the town of her best friend? It was strange, and her words were stranger, Rin shuddered and cowered as they seemed to glow with the weight of a truth beyond bearing. Her heart was hammering. Her brain had switched in to a very haywire gear as the old lady continued looking at her, as though she were fascinated by the little woman.
'He doesn't care for me!' Was all Rin could manage, in a hollow tone. She backed away, as though trying to tear herself from a magnetic field pulling her inwards. 'He doesn't - care - for me - ' Rin finally turned and ran, stumbling, as though a hound of hell was after her.
When she exited the forest path, she felt as though she had just torn through a veil that she did not remember entering. Her head and heart pounding, she dared to dash back to the shrine to see if what had happened had indeed just happened. She saw the Torii - and the people milling about. But there was no stall, no old lady. Rin looked in her bag frantically. The charm she had returned was there. Rin felt very unwell. She could not allow her passion to return to the surface. She could no longer tear herself in shreds over her ardour for the Demon. She could not believe the woman, despite everything - the words of eternal life with the one she loved, the suggestion that she - Rin, orphan, small little mortal, controlled the very spiritual energy of such a great and powerful Demon? No. No no.
When she made it back home, Kagura cried out in relief that her friend was ok. It was almost dark outside. Rin was very altered and Kagura immediately asked if she was ok. All Rin could say was:
'Who is the priestess down at the shrine?' She absently handed the bag of trinkets to Kagura - the charm was already in her hand.
'Oh that old bird! She died two years ago.'
Rin, in stunned silence, walked zombie like to her room. Sadao narrowed his eyes, not saying anything.
Rin tried to relive the conversation she had had with the spirit of the priestess - why had she returned from the spirit world to speak with her particularly? What was so important? It made no sense. Perhaps her words bore even more weight than before, knowing they had come from a soul beyond the grave. But after all her thinking Rin could not accept it despite the truth in the ladys very eyes and spoken words, because she knew Sesshomaru - she knew the cold eyes and the stern face, the commanding voice and the dismissive presence.
It was borne upon her day after day after day with painful force.
That proved to her his feelings toward her far more than the potent and spirit speaking words of that High Priestess. For so long she had been hurt, ignored, that alongside her conviction of her deep love for Sesshomaru was another just as deep, of his not loving her at all. Rin's chest heaved silently with broken pleas from her soul. She had come here to escape him - and yet - and yet, it was as though he surrounded her.
