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Chapter 12

The tears are falling over Shepard's face like a waterfall, while her hands are covered by Kaidan's and her gaze is locked in his.

"Wh… at…?" she tries to speak but her chest is shaken by her sobs.

"Hey." The man's voice is husky and quiet. "Try to inhale."

Her mouth is dry, her eyes burn and her crying doesn't want to stop.

"Shepard, inhale. Please."

She bites her bottom lip and tries to take a deep breath. Her throat hurts badly, though she continues.

Inhale, exhale. One, two, three.

"Very good, Shepard. Don't stop."

Six, seven, eight.

Alenko moves his thumbs to dry her cheeks, sighing softly.

Ten, eleven, twelve.

Slowly the Commander begins to regain control over her body and her mind.


Kaidan is hypnotized her blue eyes, the despair in them making him want to embrace her, to whisper in her ears to calm her down.

Thankfully, it seems like she's starting to relax, as he keeps looking at her. He's feeling a little guilty because he's enjoying being so close to her, feeling her skin under his hands and smelling her sweet scent.

Then, abruptly, she breaks their contact and moves away from him, yelling, "EDI!"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Why did you lie to me?" She gets up and turns her back to Alenko.

"I did not lie to you, Commander. You asked me if there was someone in the mess and I answered correctly."

"You told me that all the crew was sleeping." Her voice is shaking for her long weeping.

"I said almost all the crew was sleeping. And you didn't ask me about the Port Observation."

"Shit," she curses, "Ok Edi. I'm sorry, it's my fault."

"No problem, Shepard."

The Major is still sitting on the floor, astonished because of her reaction. He can't believe it – is she really so angry at him?

"Now that you're in her life again, she's confused and afraid of you."

"Only you can find the answer."

Garrus' words come back to him. He was right; it's definitely time to clear up the situation, once and for all.


How could I have been so naive not to look over the room before drinking? Oh my God. Was he here from the beginning? Fuck. The Commander thinks dismayed.

All her efforts to avoid running into him went wasted as he saw her crying like a child. What the hell! This must be a nightmare. I want to wake up. She pinches her own hand but nothing happens.

Shit. She has to do something to escape from this situation. She swallows hard, trying to gather all her remaining strength, and starts to speak.

"I– I am sorry. You weren't… supposed to… see me… like that. It's my fault. I was… focused on… my thoughts… and I didn't… notice you… here. Sorry Kai– Major." She doesn't even spare a glance at him, embarrassed.

"Please… forgive my… carelessness… and… forget about… everything… please." She walks toward the door, sensing her limbs and her head heavy.

"Don't try to run away from me now, Shepard!" Kaidan shouts unexpectedly, making her freeze on the spot. The red-head doesn't have time to react – not even to ponder about reacting: he jumps in front of her, preventing her from exiting the room.

"EDI, lock the door. The Commander and I are busy right now. No one is allowed to disturb us, not until I tell you. Unless there is an emergency, of course. Is that clear?" His authoritative tone and the stern and bothered look on his face worries Shepard.

"It is, Major," the AI answers.

The woman opens her mouth to rebel against his orders, but he cuts her off. "There's no way I'm going to let you out of here, Shepard. Not before you explain to me what's happening to you."

After a moment of silence, she moves past the shock and begins to get angry. Her biotics sparkle from her hands closed in fists, and her muscles tense: she is ready to attack him.

"Are you sure you want to have a fight with me on your ship, Commander? Do you think I won't react?" His eyes turn to azure while his own powers show up, enveloping him.

They stay motionless, glaring at each other menacingly and silently. Shepard is exhausted because of the loss of sleep and her crying, while Alenko seems to be absolutely firm and determined, standing in front of her. This is a battle she can't win.


No way, Shepard. If you want to fight, I will fight. I will fight till the end to regain your trust. I can't get over the fact that I didn't realize you're terrified by me. How could I have been so blind? Oh God, I am a terrible man. I have to fix that, no matter what I've to do to succeed in it.

"What do you want from me, Alenko?" She asks exasperated, her biotic aura fading away.

"I want to understand what's on your mind, and finally resolve the mess between the two of us." He replies without lowering his defenses.

She turns her attention to the view outside the huge window. "I've nothing to say to you, Major. We already talked at the hospital and also in front of the Normandy. We have resolved it."

"That's bullshit!" he yells, "I tried many times to tell you what I feel, yet you never gave me a straight answer. All I had from you was 'we're good'. No, we aren't good at all! I know you, I know–"

"YOU KNOW ME?" The Commander's shout resonates in his ears like a gunshot, interrupting his speech. "Are you fucking kidding me? You don't know me! Garrus knows me. Tali knows me. Joker knows me. But you… YOU DON'T!"

Kaidan, upset, releases his own powers, and follows her movements with his eyes as she begins to pace around the room in a race, away from him.

"I thought you knew me. I've opened myself to you like I've never done with anyone else in my entire life. You were the person I trusted more than ever, and I was completely wrong!"

Here we are, finally. Don't stop, Shepard. Hit me with that. I'm ready. I will never give up on you again.

"When we met on Horizon, you were awful! I was dead, for God's sake! And all you could do was to make me feel guilt for my own death!" She stops and stares back at him, her gaze burning with anger.

"You're right, Shepard. I was awful. Nevertheless, I reacted like that just because seeing you in front of me in the flesh, was– was unbelievable! So, I ended up thinking that you had not died at all, that Cerberus somehow managed to convince you to feign your death to work for them. God–" His voice breaks painfully. "I spent the two worst years of my existence certain that you, the love of my life, were dead. That I couldn't ever embrace you again, kiss you again, see your smile again. And then you were standing there, alive, with Cerberus. Even when you told me that you really were dead, and that they rebuilt you– how– how could I believe your words without meditating about it? I was– I– I suffered too much."

Somehow Alenko's speech manages to strike the woman's heart, because her expression turns sad. "A few days after our meeting, Garrus and Joker talked to me about my death," she explains, "It was so awkward listening to the story of my own funeral. They told me how– how you looked like a ghost yourself, and what happened to your biotics when you realized that Jeff was alone in the last pod, without me."

"Honestly, I don't know how I survived all the pain I suffered from losing you. I spent several weeks of shore leave at my parents' house without saying a word to them, to anyone. All I wanted was to be dead as well. Every night I had nightmares about you. Then, one night, when I woke up screaming, I suddenly realized that I was wasting time. The Reapers threat was still a reality, and if I didn't do anything about it, your death would have been wasted. That's why I returned on duty, and I began to work harder, with that goal in my mind. Otherwise, I don't know what I would have done." He swallows hard the lump forming in his throat.

"I– Well, thanks." She stammers.

"You don't have to thank me. I don't deserve it from you. As you said, I was awful on Horizon, even if I explained you why. And–" He puffs. "Crap. Actually, that wasn't the only reason why I acted like that." Kaidan's stomach twitches at the idea of confessing all his weakness to her, but he has to go on.

"What else?"

"I went a little crazy when I noticed Garrus with you. You contacted him and not me."

"No! That isn't true!" Shepard splutters. "I met him by chance; the Illusive Man gave me some dossiers of the people I should recruit for my new squad. One of them was a killer of mercs named Archangel, who was operating on Omega. Only when I went there I found out that it was him. You– You were the first person I thought about when I woke up from my coma, and you were always the first person I asked about, both to Anderson and to the Illusive Man. However they didn't tell me anything about you. 'Classified Alliance data'."

The Major nods. "I know that now. When I returned to the Citadel, I went straight to Anderson's office. Talking with him made the whole concept of you being rebuilt by Cerberus less… absurd. He also told me that you asked about me, though he couldn't answer you. That day I wrote you an email, and I never received any reply from you."

"Oh no, I replied a lot of times. Thousands of times." She laughs sarcastically. "I just never sent them."

"Wh– what? Why?" Alenko questions her, surprised.

Her cheeks blush. "I was confused. I was so angry and hurt by your words on Horizon. Yet, at the same time, Garrus and Joker's words made me somehow sympathetic towards you. All my messages were totally a mess and I didn't have the heart to send them to you. And–"

"And what?"

"Well. You wrote that you were dating a doctor. So I deemed… I was too late." Her voice is barely a whisper.

"Oh no, Shepard. I didn't mean it. I met that woman only once because some of my colleagues forced me. I told it to you because I didn't want to hide anything from you."

"I understand. Still… It's been two years for you, while, for me… When I read your mail it was like only a few days had passed since the moments when you and I… we were trying to find a quiet place in the old Normandy to stay together, to embrace, to kiss each other, to–" her voice trails off, and she bites back a gasp. "Thinking about you and another woman… No, I can't even tell how I felt." She turns her head and resumes to stroll around the room.

Oh my God. Alenko can't believe he hadn't ponder about that. She is right; for him it was two painful and endless years spent without her, but for her… She was in coma all the fucking time.

"I am so sorry Shepard. I didn't realize that. Damn it. I am really awful."

She keeps pacing back and forth, saying nothing else for a while, and he just stays there, waiting for– for what? He doesn't even know.