Chapter 12 – Doubt

EPOV

"PLEASE! Oh God Bella I'm so sorry! I'm so fucking sorry! Please talk to me, let me know you're alright, love. Please!"

Seconds after I hear her begin to wretch, I hear someone knocking on her door. "Bella, please! I, I..I c-can't be without you." I'm as close to hysterical as I've ever been, finally the enormity of my crimes is staring at me.

"Edward", I hear her whisper into the phone, and I fall silent, waiting for her to continue. For some reason I can't stop the hitching of my chest and throat.

"I have to...I have to...go. I'll call soon but I can't do...do this right now." She's crying so hard that her words are stunted, I continue to beg for...anything.

"I c-can't do this right now. I'm sorry...I'm going." I hear her bedroom door open, and then the line goes dead, and she's gone again.

I drop the phone into the dirt at my feet and let out a scream that so loud I instantly fear Bella has heard it inside. But I can't contain myself. My hands migrate up to my hair absently, and I grip it firmly, squeezing my eyes shut and fighting against the monster inside of me who wants - demands - absolutely undeserved absolution...unconditional submission. I remind myself once again that all this was brought on by my actions.

I should have known that she would react the way that she did. Killing innocents, to someone like Bella, would be unforgivable. And as always, I know that she'll take the burden of their deaths onto her shoulders and carry it for the rest of her life. She'll always feel guilt that is rightly mine.

I don't think there's anything I can do about that now.

Other than scream like a wounded animal and nearly pull out my chaotic hair.

I need to be closer to her. I can smell her from my perch but I need to see her, and I'm not close enough to hear Carlisle's thoughts. I approach the homestead slowly, nearly stumbling under the grief and shame that I feel. I have no right to go to her.

I get closer than I should, standing just outside the outer edge of the garden. The others are gone, and only Carlisle remains to deal with the aftermath of my confessions. When I see her through his clinical eyes I feel positively sick. She's thin and exhausted, her pallor is nearly identical to ours, and she has the same tale-tell bruises under her eyes of those of us who crave, but fail at, sleep. She's got an oxygen mask on her face, which is turned away from Carlisle who is still intently monitoring her pulse and breathing patterns. Her arms are wrapped around her middle and she's crying loud, tortured tears.

After a few more minutes she turns to Carlisle, and the heartbreak in her eyes causes an ache deep in his chest, an echo of what the look does to my insides. He raises his hand and brushes a strand of her lank hair her out of her face, and without conscious thought a deep, territorial growl rolls in my chest.

Carlisle jolts a bit at his he notices my presence, how close I am to the house. However his thoughts soon turn back to Bella, who has removed the mask from her face and is staring at him, obviously unaware of my proximity.

"How do you feel, dear?" His voice is soft and comforting, but Bella still flinches and sobs.

"I feel sick. Absolutely s-sick. And I feel guilty that three people had to die because of this. I never should have came to Forks."

I expected that, but it still burns me.

"And I'm angry at him for making me feel this kind of guilt. That he's put me in this position at all. What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to accept this?" Her voice cracks and her whole body shakes under the weight of my crimes, and I'm seconds away from bursting through the window and begging for forgiveness at her feet.

"You can't allow yourself to feel guilty for the things he's done, Bella. You couldn't have stopped any of it, you couldn't have known what waited for you in Forks. If anyone should feel guilty it's me. I was supposed to protect him from all of this."

His confession stuns Bella, and as is her habit, she waits silently, offering unspoken support while he tries to formulate such complex emotions into words.

"I failed him, in so many ways. Maybe most detrimentally, I've somehow allowed him to believe that he's alone in this. He's isolated himself."

I am surprised by his observation, but it rings true.

"When he wanted to leave, I contemplated sending someone to shadow him, maybe at some point join him. He insisted that he needed time alone, but I should have fought against that harder. I left him alone to battle demons and circumstances that were beyond him. And of course, I'm responsible for leaving Forks at all. The family should have stayed, tried harder to convince him to stay."

"Bella, Edward has been with me for a long time. He's helped me raise all of my other children, even my wife, he's cleaned up messes that weren't his to erase and he's consistently used his powers to protect us. He rarely asks to anything in return. And when he begged us to leave, we allowed him to decide what he thought was the best."

Bella's breathing has returned to normal while listening intently to Carlisle, and I listen to the explanations as well, familiar yet different than what I'd expect him to tell her in this moment.

"The decision I regret the most was allowing Alice to travel to Brazil with me. We decided as a family that I should go search for him as I had the most experience with hunger and vampiric illness, from my time in Volterra. Alice knew his general location, and at first the plan was for me to travel alone."

"But when Alice decided to tag along, she had a vision that implied that if she accompanied me, she could convince him to return with us. Her reasoning was that he would be so enamored with seeing you again through his sister's gift that he would allow us to lead him back to the family. Then Alice saw him returning to you, under the pretense of a wellness check but ending in your reunion. The second premonition was at least two years in the future, but the prospect of Edward going back to you – being happy again – was enough to convince me that Alice should come to me with Rio."

Carlisle glances up at Bella's face, and she's got her eyes closed, even though tears push out from between her lids and her shoulders still shake.

"Of course Alice can't predict the repercussions of her own visions. And when I saw the look in his eyes as he watched it, I knew that I'd made the wrong choice. A deadly choice."

"Bella, all of my children have made mistakes. As their sire, I feel guilt for every one of those accidents and I have never condoned the actions of one of my family members if I considered them morally wrong. But I do offer forgiveness, every single time. Because some of the blame has to lie with their nature, and I'm the one who forced that on them."

For the first time in a while Bella speaks, and her voice is barely a whisper. "When you say accidents, you mean murder? They've all killed humans?"

"Yes, they have, even before this situation. All of them but Rosalie have drank human blood as well, whether by conscious choice or in a moment of uncontrolled hunger. It is a fact of our lifestyle that is tragic, but we have always dealt with as a whole, loving unit."

"It might be impossible for you to understand this sentiment as a human, but for us, instincts run deeper than self control or learned habits. No murder is right, but its unreasonable to apply human criminal terms because they were created for the human psyche, not ours. Murder is not the same thing for us. The intent is different, the motive isn't the same. So yes, sometimes 'accident' is the best way to articulate what the others have done. Bella, has Edward ever told you about my track record, so to speak?"

"Yes", she answers quietly. "He said that you've never killed a human."

Bizarrely, Carlisle chuckles. "That's partially true. I have participated in human deaths, although it's usually from the other end of a scalpel. I've also bitten four of my family members, and I drank from their bodies. I took their lives."

"But I haven't ever killed for food, or vengeance. It's always been with compassion, never instinct. Of all of my accomplishments in my long life, my self-control is what I am the proudest of, and I don't consider myself a murderer because of the killing that I've done." Carlisle is quiet, as if letting the idea settle.

"But even with that will-power Bella, I still know temptation. I still know bloodlust, and I still know instinct. I am not above my nature, nor immune to it. Because of that, I can sympathize with my son's choices, even if I can't agree with them."

"Can I ask you one more question, dear?" Bella nods absently, her eyelids beginning to droop.

"If the situation were reversed, and you had murdered innocents...if Edward were the human – what do you think he would do?"

She's silent for a long moment, then finally sighs. "I'll call."

"I know dear. Maybe you should get some rest first. You're obviously exhausted." She nods again.

Carlisle walks over to my desk chair, a few feet from the couch Bella is still lying on. As he sits she whispers, "It was never a question of loving him, you know. It's just that I don't know what to say. I don't know how to live with this guilt, how to move forward."

Carlisle smiles at her sadly, "I'm sorry, but I can't answer those questions for you."

Her eyes finally close and Carlisle and I both listen to the sounds of sleep taking her.

I literally in awe of the conversation that has just taken place. Carlisle's love for me shines through all of his words, and he very well may have given me another chance at this. She's going to call me, and that's already much more than I deserve.

"Thank you." I say rather loudly, sure that Carlisle will hear me.

He doesn't answer except in his head, mindful of the sleeping angel on the couch. I didn't say anything that wasn't true, son. I told you that I wanted to help, and I meant that. But for now you should go, because I expect the others back soon, and they wont be as understanding of how close you are right now.

I want to get angry at my siblings for their interference, but the truth is I deserved it. Besides, after what Carlisle has done for me I should at least give him the courtesy of avoiding the conflict. Instead I answer him, "I'm sorry for all of this, I'm just starting to see how deep this all goes. It's like I'm waking up from a weird, violent dream and I still feel desperate and possessive, even though I know that Bella doesn't deserve it – that's it supposed to be wrong." I sigh heavily. "Um, really Carlisle, thank you...for the things you said."

It's going to be alright son. We'll get through it, and we'll try to make it right. Now go.

I nod and run from the house. I know what I should be doing, but I want to just run for awhile. Everything is happening so fast now, faster than seems normal.

I should be finishing the preparations for our departure. Even more pressing, I should be taking care of the mutt.

There isn't really any other options for the dog other than death. The risk of Charlie becoming a vampire is an unthinkable one, something that I'm sure would traumatize Bella and destroy the Charlie that we all knew. The problem, of course, is that Bella will never truly understand that, and after the things that I've done, killing her childhood best friend could very likely be the breaking point for her.

A catch 22. Kill him and she will hate me. Free him and kill her father, she will hate me and herself. The choice between his life or her father's seems clear to me, but even I can see that my opinions are somewhat biased, and have not, for quite some time, been accepted as logical in the eyes of others.

Suddenly I know. It's so obvious. I'll tell her. All of it, especially Charlie's involvement. I'll let her decide on the next course of action, the right course of action.

And so that leaves the preparations, something else that I'm not entirely sure of anymore. The truth is that after hearing Carlisle's words, I almost want to abandon them altogether. Honestly, I wish I could just step back from all of it. But that would mean continuing to stay away from her, at least in a physical sense. It will mean accepting that other people will continue to be closer to her that I am. It will mean continuing to endure the hollow pain in my chest that is the physical facet of my need for her. I don't know that I am capable of promising that. The idea of going to her, taking her away with me, from all of this, is so enticing.

I'm not unaware that something is off inside of me. Some switch has been flicked, some breaker has blown, some wire has become frayed and is misfiring inside of my head. Even though I try, I can't stop the monster inside of me from believing that if I could just be with her, just touch her, that the unlatched gate would snap into place, that this hole in my chest would stitch up, that I would be right again.

Pushing those fantasies away, I force myself to think of the much more probable ending to all of this – Alice's vision. Bella's death. A thousand times I've replayed the end of her life on that roughly-cleared airstrip, I've stared at her crooked arm and watched her chest rise and fall jaggedly, brokenly.

Thinking of Alice makes me decide on my first order of business, at least until I can speak with Bella. I turn toward the kennel and soon I'm stepping through the door to be greeted by the smell of rotten food and fear, overpowered by the snarls and thoughts of hate that are slung at me. For the most part I ignore his noise, reminding myself that Bella alone will decide what becomes of him, of all of us.

Instead I quickly walk to the table, dumping all three teeth out into my palm and stuffing them into my jeans pocket. Then I head back out the door and toward the town, having finally decided on the next item on my agenda.

I will tell Bella about the preparations as well. I'll tell her about my plans for the end of her life, of our escape together. Until I know of her choice, I will proceed as planned, I have to be prepared for whatever decision she makes.

Could she possibly accept my drastic measures? After she knows about Jacob, is there any chance at all that she'd come with me?

How could she possibly come with me?

/MM\

When my phone rings, I'm still finishing up in town. I nearly rip a hole in pocket trying to get it out, and I greet her with my usual relieved and reverent sigh of her name.

"I'm so glad you called, love" is the next thing I say, incapable of forming more complex thoughts quite yet. I step into a nearby alley that empties out into the deserted street behind the row of shops and restaurants.

"I'm sorry that I hung up on you the way that I did earlier. I just needed some time to digest your story."

I groan. "No, love, please don't apologize. Please don't be sorry. I'm the one that should be sorry. I'm the one responsible for all of this. I'm sorry that I hurt you, that I hurt others. Most of all I'm sorry for leaving Bella. I'll regret it forever, because it started all of this."

She's silent, because it's true. I don't think she will ever fully understand why I left. It definitely doesn't make sense to me anymore.

"I'll never kill another human, Bella, if that's what you want. You tell me what you want. I can't make decisions any more. I know something is wrong with me", my voice cracks, "so for now you have to tell me what to do. Tell me what's right and what's wrong. I'll do whatever you ask."

She's crying again, and the sound of it makes me crazy. I'm so angry at myself, at this situation. I feel so helpless.

"I'm so sorry, love. I'm sorry that I'm putting you through this. I'll never be able to apologize enough", I whisper.

"Edward", she begins, and my heart jumps into my throat, "Carlisle asked me a question, and now I want to ask you."

"You can ask me anything."

"If our situation had been reversed, and you were the human and I was the vampire, do you think you would have forgiven me?"

"I don't think I can answer that, love. I don't really remember what it's like to think like a human."

"Well then if I were changed, and I wanted to hunt humans, would you let me?"

At first, I'm dumbstruck that she just insinuated that she may not be changed. It occurs to me then that she may not want this life anymore, after what I've done. Panic begins to rise but I force myself to focus on her question. It's simple, really.

"Yes", I say resolutely.

"You would let me kill humans?" She reiterates incredulously, and I agree again.

"And would you join me? Give up your family?"

"I would follow you anywhere Bella. Even into the dark." Her breath hitches and it's immediately clear to me that my answer is not the correct one. I just told her that I'm not capable of making decisions like these anymore, was this a test? Had I failed?

"I just need to follow you", I continue quickly, my anxiety rising, "Please let me stay with you, Bella. I can't let you go. I can't be without you."

She exhales shakily, then sniffles a few more times. The time passes slowly for me, but I try to wait patiently on her reassurances.

Finally, she whispers, "We can't be without one another anymore. That's not an option."

My being floods with relief. Then guilt in response to that relief. Is is possible to feel elation, warmth and shame all at once?

All that I can do is sob dryly into her ear, I can tell her over and over again that I love her, need her.

I know that I have to tell her the rest of it. If she's to make decisions for us, then she has to have all of the information. I have to provide her with the facts, no matter how it hurts me, what it costs me. Her answer seconds before gives me hope that she'll still accept me when all of this is over. That shred of hope allows me to press forward with the second and last confessional.

"Bella..."

On her side of the phone I hear a door slam, and the abrupt noise causes Bella to gasp sharply. Immediately I am wary, "Who is that, love?"

"I don't know", she begins absently, and I hear the rustle of her unfolding her legs and standing from her perch on the couch.

"Carlisle!" I hear Jasper scream somewhere on the first floor, "Carlisle we found something! We know how he's hiding from Alice!"

As he yells he begins ascending the steps, surely confused on why Carlisle doesn't seem to be present in the house. I am already full of dread, my heart seems to drop into my stomach. His voice is louder as he passes Bella's door and I'm sure she hears him when he continues, "He's got a captive!"

Before he reaches Carlisle's study the french doors off the kitchen open and close, and I hear Carlisle greet Jasper from downstairs. "I was in the garden on the phone. What's happened?"

Jasper doesn't answer. Instead I hear his footsteps approach my mate's bedroom and a feral growl begins rumbling from my chest. Without bothering to look around first I take off running back toward her.

I hear the bedroom door open violently and Bella gasps again. Jasper continues to advance on her, and when they are only inches apart I hear him whisper, "Is that Edward?" His voice is flat and angry.

I hear the rustle of Bella's hair when she nods her head, and then I hear a sharp whisper of air and a final startled gasp from my Beloved. Then the phone is snapped shut.

A/N: YAY for getting a new laptop! And YAY for my review count rolling over into the triple digits, which I must thank Rebadams7 and Keyecullen for. My ultimate ffn goal would be to receive a QUADRUPLE digit review count, but 'tis a lofty goal, and one that I'm not sure this story will achieve. We've still got a long way to go, so we'll see what happens I guess.

Shoutout and thanks to linnfromia, adeli, and last but not least, Saritadreaming and all her insightful friends.

I'm working on the next chapter now, also a EPOV (it goes 2 EPOV then BPOV, in case you haven't figured it out...) Hopefully I'll finish it in the next few days but maybe tomorrow if the reviews are particularly inspiring...*hint hint*

Now that Edward is starting to come around, do you think he'll accept the distance in their relationship? How will Bella and the rest of the family react to Jasper's discovery?

Thanks again.

MM