Chapter 12:
Thor searches all day for his brother, covering what he is sure is near every square inch of the forest floor, and above, up in the canopy, looking for him there as well.
He calls Loki's name over and over, and as the hours drag on with no success, the sun moving higher in the sky, Thor's voice grows broken and frantic, and he begins retracing his steps, searching over areas he's already been.
At times, he isn't able to help the rush of tears which come to his eyes and blind him momentarily, having to brush them away to see where he is going.
And as the sun finally begins to set, the sky melting from its soft blue to deep purples and pinks, Thor is certain he's frightened Loki off completely. That his brother has teleported himself away from here. Perhaps even off the realm. And a sickening despair grips him with the thought he may have lost Loki forever. That he may never see him again. For he knows not how to find Loki now. He knows not how to follow him, if Loki does not wish to be followed. Or to be found.
He curses himself for his stupidity.
Those men…
Those ridiculous, cowardly men. Thor had turned to them after Loki had vanished into thin air, face grim and lined hard, and he had told them to run. To run away as quickly as their feet would carry them, before he changed his mind and crushed their skulls to fine dust.
They hadn't needed to be told twice, and yet still, Thor found himself almost regretting letting them go now. For it was their interference which had led to his having lost his little brother. Which led to his current state of overwhelming anxiety and dread.
Perhaps Loki had been right. Perhaps the mortals had deserved death for their daring to raise arms against them.
Thor didn't know. He didn't know anything.
And if Loki was right, he feared… oh, he feared he would never again have the opportunity to tell him so.
To tell him anything ever again.
And he near keened with sorrow at the thought.
Loki was so very fragile. Thor knew this. He knew. And yet for some misguided sense of duty towards the protection of a people who, in all truth, he knew little of, he'd allowed himself to threaten his brother, and swear to take up arms against him. To express loathing and distain towards what had only been Loki's attempts to protect him.
Thor was not delusional.
He was not in denial with regards to his brother.
Loki had grown violent, and unstable. He was not as he had been when they were children. So very gentle. Soft of word and action.
He had not been that way for many a century past.
Now so quick to anger, and filled at times with such deadening hate. There had been bloodlust in Loki's eyes when he had had hold of those men. Thor had seen it. He had wanted to smite them. Desired it, even.
He still held such disregard, such contempt for beings weaker than they. And it was something in Loki Thor could still not understand. Something in his brother which even he despised. Which made him recoil and ill to his stomach at the thought there could be such horrific venom in the boy he had grown up with. Who once had laughed so freely and true. A kind laughter. And whose eyes had once shown with such light and purity of heart.
Those qualities seemed now extinguished in him.
But Thor was neither blind to the things which had made Loki this way. To his own contributions to Loki's precarious and volatile state.
Loki was dangerous. And he needed help. He needed guidance. Those were things he was owed. Things he deserved. And it was to Loki Thor was duty bound. He should have remembered that. Before the humans, his allegiance was to his brother, to his family, above all else.
And in all his foolery, for Loki shielding him, for displaying his loyalty and doing for Thor what only should have been expected, what he himself would have done, he had chastised and threatened the younger god, and made him feel… made him think…
Thor shakes his head, growling in frustration.
It was never any wonder then why Loki had turned out as he had.
Even now, in trying to do what he believed in his heart right, he was met with rejection and disapproval.
And Thor only wants now to find him, and to hold him tight, and say to him again and again that he is sorry. That he is so very sorry.
But he cannot find Loki. He cannot find him.
And he knows it is his fault.
Those men, they will have told others of he and his brother by now. And there will be more of them.
Thor knows if he cannot find Loki, he will be forced to abandon this place without him.
The thought alone makes him feel nauseous.
The thought of Loki still being here when more men come, hunting for him…
The thunder god feels his teeth clench.
No…
He will not abandon Loki.
He will not leave this place until he is certain Loki no longer resides.
He doesn't care how many men there are, what weapons they bring.
He will not leave until he is sure.
/
By the time he reaches the cave again, the sun has dipped fully beneath the horizon, and darkness envelops his surroundings, the air more frigid with cold.
He is exhausted from searching, and yet he knows he will not be able to sleep, his mind consumed with thoughts of his brother, out there and alone.
The way the wind had begun to kick up, he knows there will be a storm tonight, and his worry increases tenfold. He knows the cold does not really bother Loki, but still…
The temperature is dropping, and he will be forced to build a fire for himself. He can only hope it will not attract the attention of the mortals.
The cave is pitch when he enters through the mouth of it, and he advances slowly, counting his paces towards where he and Loki have set up the beds and supplies.
He is nearly there when he hears a scuffing noise some feet ahead, like a boot scraping stone, and immediately he reacts, dropping to a crouch and taking up his hammer, ready to spring forth as he listens, his own breath seeming too loud in his ears.
Whoever is here, they must already be aware of his own presence, and so he sees no reason to hide.
"Who goes there?" He calls, voice booming and strong.
For several seconds, there comes no reply, no sound, and Thor feels his fingers grip tighter the hilt of Mjolnir, frame tensing, ready for a fight.
But then he hears it.
His brothers voice.
Strained and whispered, like he's trying too hard to keep it steady.
"… It is me." He says.
Both relief and confusion flood Thor's senses, and immediately he lowers the hammer, straightening up.
"Loki?" He asks warily, straining in the dark to make out the younger gods figure.
He strains not long, as suddenly there is a small burst of green light, too bright a moment before settling into something dimmer and small. And Thor sees his brother, cupping the little flame in the palm of his hand, holding it there a few, long seconds before letting it go to float in the air, waving a hand to send it off to the nearest corner an instant after.
The light isn't much, but it is enough for Thor to make out Loki's position. The way he's sat up against the caves back wall, knees drawn to his chest and arms around his legs. The way he rests his chin atop his knees, and his eyes shifted away.
He says nothing, and Thor moves closer.
He hadn't even thought to check back at the cave. He hadn't thought…
"… Loki." He repeats. "Loki, I did not… I did not know where you had gone. I searched all day for you through the woods. I was…"
Still, Loki won't look at him. And Thor's words halt in his mouth as he comes nearer and sees the younger god draw in on himself, pulling his knees tighter against his chest, turning his face away fully.
"… Do you hate me so much?" He hears Loki say, and now the tears are clear in his voice.
Thor feels his heart drop into his stomach.
"Loki, I…"
"It is fine." Loki cuts him short, finally looking up, and even in the dark, Thor can see the way his eyes shine with tears. "You should." He goes on. "You should hate me. It is natural. It is the order of things."
"Loki, I do not hate you." Thor interjects.
Loki turns away.
"You cannot love a god of lies." He says, as though he hasn't even heard the elder prince. "You cannot love something essentially false."
"I love you Loki." Thor replies.
"No Thor. You delude yourself. You revile me, as you should. As you would any monster."
"Loki, stop this. Please."
"It is fine Thor." Loki goes on. "It is fine. It is fate for me. I understand now. I accept that. It was incorrect of me, foolish to ever expect anything different. Or to blame you. You were never at fault for my own shortcomings Thor. It was never… never you. It was me. My failure. You hate me and you… you should. You should Thor."
Thor shakes his head.
"Loki, no… no. I do not. I love you brother. Please, understand. I love you."
"As you loved me this morn, when you fought so vehemently for the lives of those mortals?" Loki spits, anger now seeping into his voice.
"Loki, yes." Thor counters quickly. "My love for you will never change. It is only that you frightened me brother."
Loki scoffs.
"The mighty Thor, as though there could ever be anything to frighten you."
"The thought of losing you frightens me Loki." Thor says, softly now.
Loki's face twists in seeming disgust, shaking his head.
"Why will you not just admit it?" He asks hotly, looking back to the elder god. "Why do you cling to this lie? Why do you make me suffer your proffers of false hope? You must truly hate me Thor, to torture me so."
"Loki, I do NOT!" Thor at last loses his patience, voice rising in frustration.
Loki flinches back at the sudden violence of his reaction, but Thor is not deterred.
"Brother, I love you. I do not know how else to say it, how else to prove the sincerity of my words. I am trying. But you refuse to listen. What happened with those men, I am sorry Loki. I am sorry if I made you feel… whatever this pain it is you are feeling. I am sorry for hurting you the way I have, and in my ignorance continue to do. I am sorry for ever making you feel as anything less than me. For ever making you feel anything less of yourself. It was not my intent brother, but I have wronged you when you sought only to protect me, and I am sorry. I beg your forgiveness. Please Loki. Do not allow my stupidity to lessen the regard you have for yourself."
Loki stares back at him a long moment, face lined hard in some encompassing, raging emotion. His eyes shine with unshed tears, his frame wound tight and trembling, hands clenching to fists.
"… You think…" his voice is stilted and sharp. "you think I… I hate myself?"
Thor frowns.
"I did not mean to imply…"
"That I think so little of myself. As little as do the rest of you?" Loki cuts him off.
"Loki, that is not…"
"No, I… I hate YOU Thor!" Loki's voice rises suddenly. He is shaking violently.
Thor stops, staring back at the younger god.
He swallows thickly.
"You do not mean that brother." He says after a moment, voice quiet.
"No… I do." Loki snaps. "I hate you. I hate you Thor. And you hate me. You hate me. I know you do. I know it. Only you lie to yourself because… because you cannot bear the burden of your own guilt. Because... Because you… just… No. It matters nothing. I want… I want you to go away. I want you to leave me alone here. Leave me alone Thor. I want…"
"Brother, stop this…"
"I AM NOT YOUR BROTHER!" Loki screams.
He falls back, hitting the wall behind, and Thor feels tears well thick in his eyes as he watches Loki begin to scramble along it, tearing at it with his bare fingers, as though he were looking for escape. He is panicking as he rises to his feet and moves, making it only a step before his legs give way beneath him, and he falls back to the ground, his hands coming up over his head, fingers burying in his hair.
And such a terrible, broken sound comes from him.
An anguished whine unlike any Thor has ever heard in him. The sound of a pain he can never hope to understand. Never hope to fathom.
And he cannot take it.
He cannot…
"Loki…" the thunder god rises to his feet, stepping to him, and Loki curls on himself, fingers digging, tearing into his scalp. "Loki, my brother…"
Thor drops to his knees before him, hesitating not as he reaches out, taking hold the younger prince, pulling his hands from his head, pulling him in.
Loki struggles.
"NO!" Loki cries, pushing against Thor's chest, trying to shove him away. "No, I HATE you! I HATE YOU!"
But Thor holds on. He holds on, and draws Loki to him, wrapping his arms around him.
Holds him still, leaning down and resting his cheek along the crown of Loki's head, even as he fights further.
And he whispers gently…
"It is well Loki. Be still. It is well."
And he feels Loki shake his head, his tears wet and soaking through his tunic.
"… I hate you." He mutters uselessly, his struggles lessening, growing weaker. "I hate you…"
Thor cups softly the back of his head, kneading thick fingers through his hair.
"Be still brother." He only says. "Be calm."
"… hate you…"
"Be calm…"
Until, eventually, Loki is.
Until Thor feels him grow slack against him, the hard coiled tension going out of his thin frame, the only thing left the violent shudders as Loki sobs into his chest.
For so long he sobs, and no words escape him.
For so long, until eventually, that too ceases, and Loki only lies with his face buried against the elder god, hands brought up and curled into his tunic, his trembling something almost imperceptible now.
But he makes no attempt to shift away, and Thor keeps his arms around him still, face still rested along his crown, hand still cupped along the back of his head, supporting softly.
For so long, they both remain as that.
Both still and silent.
It seems hours.
And when Thor finally speaks, he is sure to keep his voice quiet. To keep it low.
"We will need to leave." He says.
For long seconds, there comes no reply.
Briefly, Thor thinks Loki has fallen asleep.
But then he hears his muffled reply, his voice dry and cracked…
"… I know." Is all he says.
Thor pauses.
"… In the morn?" He asks.
Loki nods, and Thor feels his fingers grip harder.
"… Where will we go?"
Silence a long time.
"… Where you decide." Loki answers.
And Thor only nods, arms curling tighter round his little brother as they listen to the sound of the wind, whipping against the snow, and howling against the dark.
/
AN: Thank you to everyone for all the lovely reviews last chapter! I appreciate them more than you know, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you think!
