Chapter 12 – I do believe

"Did you slept well?" Cyrene asked when Xena walked to the kitchen next morning. She had been a little bit afraid Xena would take off again. When she had been little she had always walked her own path and had never cared about any rules or forbidden areas.

"Well yes, my night was decent. Hey do you have any breakfast I'm starving", Xena murmured and leaned to the counter where last night's dishes were piled up to a huge stack. "Sure. Go to the dining room and help yourself", her mother answered and returned to stir her porridge. "Oh c'mon mother. Don't you want to spoil me? I would love to just wait here while you go and grab me something to eat", Xena laughed.

"It depends if you want me to act like you would still be four. Of course if you do that then I would keep that up for the rest of my life but it's your call. Choose wisely." When Xena had been young she had always complained when she had been treated like other kids of her age. "Oh yea and what would that mean, bedtime stories, housework, babysitter? Nah, I'm not interest but I'm still waiting that breakfast", she answered and picked up one dirty plate. "By the way mother you were lazy last night. You haven't even washed these and the sun is already up", she continued and laughed to her mother's look.

"Dear daughter of mine, I will kick you out of here without any food if you keep that up." She was happy when she saw Xena smiling and joking for her. It had been so long since she had seen her daughter happy. "Okay okay you won. Do you need help with these dishes or can you handle them on your own?"

"Well that wouldn't hurt me if you help but if you don't want to its okay", she answered and turned her focus back to the porridge. "I will just eat something and then I will help you. I think I own that for you after yesterday. By the way do you know has Herc already woken up?" Her mother made a sound to describe her irritability. "I haven't seen him today but yes, you definitely own us something after yesterday. He came to here, against every possible odds you can think of, and wanted to help you. What I can't understand is why on earth did you decided to run away from him. This is your chance to get better, start living again and continue your life. I give you advice, don't waste it. Gabrielle wouldn't want you to end up like this. You may look like your okay for everybody else but I know you better…" Xena sighed and tried to interrupt. "Mother…", she began.

"No Xena, don't interrupt me now. I know you are only a shell of that what you used to be. You have to start living again. You have always said that this kind of life, farming and living in a same place longer than a month is not for you. As much as I hate to admit it you belong to road. Take the gift that gods gave you and team with Hercules. He is good man, brave and loyal, I'm sure you are happy with him. Let him show the path again. I understand he is not a replacement for Gabrielle but you need someone. Don't waste this opportunity."

"Mom I… You mean you are kicking me out of here? I mean yes you may be right but I'm not sure how I can do that. Everyday life on road, bandits, saving people and so on I'm not sure if I can even handle it anymore. Only a single thought of it reminds me of Gabrielle and she reminds me of what I did. I know I should get over it but I haven't found any solution." Cyrene gave last quick look to her porridge before wrapping her arms around her daughter. "You are strong. I'm not saying you have to get over it. You just have to accept she is gone and hope you meet again someday. You have to give her your love and use her as your source of energy. She is now with Lyceous and Solan. They all know how much you love and care about them. I know it's hard but you have to move on."

Xena leaned her head to her mother's forehead. "I know. I just… I'm not emotional person. It's not easy to speak about my feeling or anything like that. I'm grateful that both you and Hercules care about me so much. You have equal right to be mad at me but you are not", she mumbled after a while. "Yes and that is because I'm your mother. I love you no matter what happens."

They stayed still few moments before Cyrene sent her daughter to eat breakfast. She was happy that she had been able to push Xena talk even something. The easiest way to heal one's heart was make the one talk about it. For Xena it was extremely hard because she had always kept her thoughts inside her head and had acted more likely than talked.

-.-

When the main room was empty, Cyrene decided it was time to clean the room from top to bottom. She was washing the floor when Hercules walked in from the back door. "Xena was at the kitchen fighting with the dishes and didn't need any help so I came to help you. What can I do for you?" he asked when noticed what she was doing. "Oh you are our guest. Like I have told you before you don't have to do anything", Cyrene replayed and tried to push her broom under one of the tables. "Let me help you with that", Hercules continued like he wouldn't have heard what Cyrene had answered to him. He walked to her side and picked up the table so she had better access to the rubbish underneath the table. "Thank you dear", Cyrene murmured and together they cleaned the rest of the floor.

Few hours later the pile of dirty plates was gone thanks to Xena and the tavern shining thanks to Cyrene and Hercules. "Hey mother if you don't mind I would like to visit one place before evening", Xena stated when she entered the tavern. Hercules and Cyrene were sitting at one of the tables admiring the shining of the room. "You are adult, you are not bounded to here", Cyrene remind her and smiled. "However", she continued before anybody was able to say anything. "I hope you take Hercules with you. Like I told you earlier he is here because of you. It's not nice to ignore him, especially after yesterday."

Xena shrugged. "Sure but I was just going to the shop nearby. There is something I orderedI have to pick up", she answered. "Of course if you want to come. You don't have to if you don't want to", she continued and placed the tankard she had carried to the counter. "Of course I would like to come with you", Hercules replied quickly and stood up.

They walked the street in silence. Xena was still not sure how to approach the subject and began the conversation. For her luck Hercules decided to break the silence. "So where are we going?" he asked. "To pick up my order", Xena answered shortly. "Yes you mentioned that earlier. Want to tell me what you have ordered?" he tried again. "Well, it is a long story", Xena murmured. "Can't be that long", Hercules laughed.

"Hmm, well. Not so long after all", she began after a quick minute. "The day when you arrived I decided I had to do something. As much as mother would like to deny it I know the stories they are spreading of what happened to Gabrielle. The thing I don't understand is why they don't know why. Most of the stories I've heard describes very precisely what happened that day but it seem like nobody knows what happened before that day or why I was so angry when I did it. You said it was Joxer who spreads the story so that explains me a part of it but not everything. I mean I think he doesn't want make people pity me because I lost my son but still I'm a little bit surprised.

Anyway, that just came to my mind. It has nothing to do with this thing. Back to the day you came. Actually I was just coming from the scribe's office when met that day." She let her voice to fade. Hercules watched her but didn't say anything. He sensed that Xena was going to continue without his request. "That morning I decided that I have to do something. It was just an idea that popped to mind that morning. I don't know if you knew but I still have Gabrielle's scrolls. Most of them are unique, never been copied before. I've been reading then over and over again. It's a mystery how someone can write like that. It's like when I read them I was able to see everything in front of my eyes. I mean it was the first time I ever read her texts.

Anyway, I wanted the world remember her as a great bard she was so I made my mind and I asked the scribe to copy the scrolls so I could donate them to the academy of Athens. That way I can guarantee that her inheritance will stay alive", Xena ended her story and suddenly found her feet very interesting. "Don't be ashamed Xena. That is a wonderful idea. I bet she is smiling and watching us while listening your thoughts. Every bards dream is to be famous and I bet if you give the copies to the academy she will become even better-known than ever before", he encouraged stoic warrior. "I know that but it feels so… weird. Most of her texts are about me or events we have lived though. She made me the hero, it's like she thought me as an equal to you. It's just, well, she doesn't speak much about herself. She describes herself like a shadow I pull behind me. I hope she didn't think like that but in some point I read her stories I had that feeling. I mean I never thought her as my burden. For me she was always my equal."

Hercules was not able to answer her when Xena pulled the door of the scribe's office open. The scent of old scrolls and expensive ink hit their senses. "Hello Xena we were expecting you. The scrolls are ready", Danius babbled when he noticed who came in. "Oh hello there. I remember you", Hercules greeted the boy when he realized who he was. "Hercules! Oh my god two heroes in our shop at the same time. This is so wicked!" He yelled and jumped up and down like a crazy monkey. "He is a big fan of you", Hercules whispered to Xena. "..and me", he continued when he saw Xena's cheerful smile.

"Danius, my son, calm down, will you, please" the older man said while walking to the shop from the backdoor. "But look dad. There are two absolutely the best heroes in the world in our shop. It's so cool, I can't believe it", youngster kept babbling. Older man placed his hand to his son's shoulder attempting to stop his crazy jumping. "That's enough", he said quietly and Danius stopped his dance.

"Hello my name is Matikles, I'm the scribe of the Amphipolis. It's honor to meet you Hercules", he continued and shook Hercules' hand. Xena thanked the gods in her mind that she finally heard the name of the man. She had spent most of the last night trying to remember the scribe's name. "Hello it's nice to Matikles", Hercules answered in a polite way.

When the compliments were managed Matikles turned to Xena. "Your scrolls are ready", he smiled. "I have to say it has been one of the most pleasant jobs I have had in a long time. It was also good to see my son working with me. I guess I don't have to say it aloud that he is a great fan of yours. I had to command him to sleep last night. If I hadn't done that he would have probably been awake the whole night finishing your scrolls." Danius blushed deeply when his father reproached him. "Well I would have gone sleeping. I thought it just before you came to yell at me", he tried to explain.

"Don't worry kid you are not the only one who loves those scrolls", Hercules laughed and thought about Iolaus. He remembered when they had last time met Xena and Gabrielle. Iolaus had spent most of the time with Gabrielle listening or reading her stories. He couldn't thought more dedicated fan of Gabrielle than Iolaus was.

His thoughts drifted to Iolaus and Joxer while Xena checked and paid the scrolls. He had left him near the village of Potedia over a week ago. He hadn't been ready to meet Gabrielle's family at that moment. He had decided to find Xena before facing more devastated friends and in this case family members of Gabrielle. He knew Iolaus was able to handle and comfort Joxer if he needed a shoulder. Being a messenger of sorrow was never easy, especially when you knew the victim.

He was not completely sure what Iolaus would have said if he had told where he wanted to go. Iolaus had forgiven Xena long time ago but the seed was still inside him. Hercules also knew about the crush Iolaus had had for Gabrielle. Like most love sick puppies Iolaus wanted to protect the young bard in every possibly way when they were together. He didn't know if Gabrielle had had any that kind of romantic feelings for Iolaus but she had always enjoyed the time they had spent sitting next to each other reading, talking and laughing.

"Hey time to go buddy", Xena dragged him back to present. "You have been staring the same spot for long enough. Let's go back to mom's, I'm sure she needs at least my help with the customers tonight. Of course if you want you can go where ever you want but at least I'm going back", she continued and waved her last goodbyes to Matikles and his son. The back full of both original and copied scrolls hanged on her shoulder. "Oh yeah I was just thinking", Hercules murmured quickly and stepped back to the busy street Xena right behind him.

"What were you thinking about?" Xena asked when they headed back to the tavern. "I was just thinking about Iolaus. It is rare we don't travel together", Hercules answered. "I understand you. It was hard for me when I was separated from Gabrielle, only for a night or two, if I was needed somewhere else and I had to leave her behind", she whispered and wiped a tear from her cheek. It was her normal reaction when she talked about Gabrielle.

"It's just that I didn't even tell him where I was going. I just said I had to go", Hercules said after a short minute. "I was not sure what he would have said if I had told him I wanted to meet you. He loved Gabby and was very pissed off when he heard about it. I thought it was better if he stayed with Joxie. He needed him more than I did." Xena stopped and raised her hand to her tall friend's shoulder. "Hercules I don't want to mess up your friendship with Joxer or Iolaus. If you being here prevents or disturbs your connection with Iolaus go back to him. Don't choose me if he is on the other side of the scale. I know they both hate me at the moment and you should too. What I did was selfish and stupid. I let Ares guide me and here we are, I lost both my best friend and my son. I can never forgive myself that I never told Solan I am his mother or Gabrielle how important she really was for me. All in all that doesn't matter anymore. Everybody hates me because they are dead and there is nothing I can do for it", he turned her back to Hercules and began to walk again.

"How many times I have to say they both love you and follow your every step from Elysian. You were able to get back on your feet ones, you can do that again. Remember you don't have to be alone. I will come with you to Athens if you want my company. It will be the next step of your recovery. After that only the sky is the limit. You are a warrior; you always fall just to get up again. Sometimes you just need some assistance to do so", he tried to encourage the stoic warrior.

It was funny how fast Xena's mood changed. Minute before she had been calm and happy, now she was angry and sad. "Are you sure you are not pregnant for your mood swings are pretty massive", he tried to joke when Xena didn't say anything. "Thanks for asking no I'm not. In the order to be so woman needs certain contact with a man which I haven't had in a long time", she snapped and walked even faster. "Hey c'mon it was only a joke" he tried to yell after her but she was already too far to hear it.

-.-

"Hey Cyrene have you seen Xena?" Hercules asked from the tavern keeper when he walked in. "Yes actually I have. She was here just a minute ago but she went to see Argo. She asked me to tell you she would like to talk with you if you are up to it. Did you fight or what happened, she looked a bit pale", she replayed and gave him an angry stare. "I guess you could say so. I hit a sensitive spot and she got mad", Hercules snorted. "Thanks anyway, I'm going to see her", he continued and returned back outside.

Stables were not far away from the main building. Xena stand in Argo's stall brushing her golden mane. "Hey there, how is she?" Hercules asked when he was close enough for Xena to hear him. "I've been neglecting her for weeks. It's a miracle she even lets me to brush her", she answered before turning her full attention back to her beloved horse.

"I'm sorry, really sorry", she whispered after a long minute. "About what happened earlier, I didn't mean to snap at you I was just selfish like I always am", she let her tiers to sink in Argo's mane. "Stop that it's right to be mad, even I am sometimes…" Xena's snort broke his sentence. "Not always about me please", she pleaded. "You were talking about Iolaus, how is he?" Hercules had to have a short minute for himself to reorganize his thoughts. He hadn't prepared to a question like that. "We, ehm…, he was fine when we last time met."

"It's been all about me we have been talking about. Tell me what you have been doing since we met last time", Xena pushed the semi-god further. "Well, last months we spent at the Marathon. The Persians attacked there only a few months ago. First we helped them to defense and fight, then we helped them to rebuild. It would have been quite a mess if the Persians had conquered the city. Anyway that is most we have been doing since we last met", he explained with a huge grin on his face. "Persians are not easy opponents", Xena murmured. "You have fought against them?" Hercules had to ask. "Yea, long time ago. I lost almost my entire army before I understood to pull back", she hissed to her memory. "Anyway it was long time ago. How is your lovely father? Is he doing okay?" He had to laugh before he was able to answer. "I guess he is doing okay. Honestly, I don't care so much."

They were silence for a long time. Hercules' hand sneaked itself to Argo's muzzle and he began to smooth her. "I would be pleased if you come with me", Xena stated quietly still focusing to Argo's mane. She felt guilty for ignoring her beloved horse during the past weeks. "What do you mean?" Hercules asked and stepped behind her. "To Athens. I would be pleased if you decided to come with me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that journey alone." Hercules warped his hand around Xena's waist. "I would like to come with you. We can leave as soon as you are ready", he whispered to her ear.

End of part 12