A/N: Warnings For: Discussion of Self Harm; Description of Physical Effects of Past Self Harm; Emotionally Panicked/Vulnerable State

Sebastian kept up a steady stream of small talk in his ear as Blaine sat on the bed waiting, clutching the cell phone to his ear with white knuckled fingers. It was a twenty minute drive from the Lima Bean to Blaine's house. Jeff made it there in thirteen.

"Hey, we're in your driveway," Sebastian announced. "Come unlock the door for us?"

Blaine nodded. "I'll be right down," he said, and cautiously opened his own door, checked the surrounding area, and made his way to the front door. Checking through the curtained window, he breathed a sigh of relief to see Sebastian and Jeff standing outside. He opened the door and gesture for them to enter quickly, after which he carefully locked the front door again, making sure the deadbolt was safely locked into place. He smiled wearily at the two boys currently hovering in the front hallway.

"Hey…" he greeted, trailing off. What was he supposed to say? Thank you for coming? I'm sorry I messed up your night? I'm glad you're here because I'm about to lose my mind?

Jeff rescued them from the awkward silence. "I don't remember if I've ever been in your house before," he mused, studying the expensive but rather uninviting decor. "It's very….white."

Blaine laughed slightly. "Yeah, my mother redecorated a couple years ago. She was in her anti-clutter mode. Now everything is white and about as homey as a hotel room. Do you want to come upstairs? At least I got to choose how that looks. It's not quite so…"

"Sterile?" Sebastian suggested.

Blaine nodded, tilting his head in the direction of the stairs, a silent invitation. Sebastian and Jeff followed him up to his room. Blaine made a sweeping gesture into the room, indicating the boys could sit wherever they wanted. He closed the door to his room and locked it. He turned to find Sebastian and Jeff sitting side by side on his bed.

…Which was next to his desk. Which still had that damn blade on it. Blaine panicked internally, heart jumping in his chest as he tried to devise a way to grab it before one of them noticed. He should have thought of it before he let them in, but he had been so relieved at their arrival he had literally forgotten he had placed it there. He was an idiot. He tried to glance surreptitiously at the desk, hoping the small blade wasn't that noticeable.

It was reflecting the light from the desk lamp. Just fabulous. Sebastian and Jeff were two feet away and the stupid thing was glinting like a tiny beacon. He was so screwed. Blaine tried to draw their attention towards him. "Are you hungry? Thirsty? We could go back to the kitchen…" Blaine babbled nervously.

Sebastian eyed him suspiciously. "We're fine, Blaine. Are you?"

Blaine coughed nervously. "Why…why wouldn't I be?"

Sebastian glared. "Oh, I don't know. Because you're rambling and nervous?"

Jeff laid a hand on Sebastian's arm, steadying. "Seb.." he reprimanded lowly.

Sebastian sighed. "Sorry. I'm just…never mind." He was watching Blaine with a level of intensity that was frankly making him nervous. "What?" Blaine finally exclaimed, exasperated.

"You're shaking," Sebastian observed. "I don't think you realize it, but your practically vibrating."

Blaine glanced down at his hands. It was true. He hadn't even noticed, but apparently he was so strung out he couldn't even keep his fingers still.

"Blaine…" Sebastian began, "when you called me…what did you want to say? You cut yourself off because you thought you were interrupting. But you must have called for a reason."

Blaine wrapped his arms around himself, nervously. He glanced towards the desk before he could think to stop himself, then quickly tore his eyes away, focusing anywhere else. "It wasn't anything, I was just…bored, and…alone," he tried to reassure, but the damage had already been done.

Both Jeff and Sebastian had noticed his involuntary glance towards the blade on the desk. And it was impossible to miss when anyone was actually looking.

Sebastian's breath caught in his throat. He stared in disbelief. His eyes darted from the blade to Blaine back to the blade. He turned on Blaine, demanding, "Are you kidding me? You didn't…tell me you aren't that much of an idiot!"

Jeff murmured urgently, "Seb.." and carefully picked up the offending piece of metal. Sebastian's face was a mix of horror and fear. Blaine felt his heart tighten. This was a mistake. He shouldn't have called them. He was upsetting Sebastian. He didn't want to upset anyone. He didn't need Sebastian to see how weak he was. Blaine felt the blackness creeping in at the edges of his vision. He couldn't even call the numbers to mind. His mind was just a cataclysm of sound and light, threatening to burn him.

Jeff watched Blaine start to fall into a panic attack and Sebastian silently descend into his own internal freak out and shook his head. He was going to kill them both, after. Right now, they needed to be brought back to reality. He turned to Sebastian and whispered fiercely, "Do not freak out on him. Do not make him feel like you're judging him over this. He needs you. Pull. It. Together!" Sebastian stared at him briefly, until reason seeped back into his eyes. Followed by regret. "I…I just-"

Jeff cut him off. "I know. It's fine. But he needs help right now. And with this, I'm better for him than you. I understand it." He handed Sebastian the blade and instructed, "Go down to the kitchen. Dispose of it. Give me fifteen minutes. Use that time to get your head on straight. And then come back. Understand?"

Sebastian nodded mutely. He threw an apologetic look in Blaine's direction as he left the room.

Jeff locked the door behind him and then turned back around and gently took Blaine's hand and drew him to the bed and sat next to him. He kept his hand over Blaine's, waiting patiently for a few minutes, looking at him with sympathy. He was careful to keep anything that could be construed as judgment from his expression. Eventually, he sensed Blaine's shaking slow. "Blaine," he asked, softly, "I need you to answer me truthfully. Did you hurt yourself with that x-acto knife?"

Blaine shook his head. "Couldn't," he murmured regretfully.

Jeff nodded. He was inclined to believe Blaine. Blaine was wearing a short sleeved shirt, and there wasn't any sign of damage visible on either of his arms. Jeff had been watching. It didn't mean he couldn't have cut elsewhere, but Jeff would take him at his word for the moment, at least until he talked to him and figured out if this was the first time Blaine had thought about it, or they had missed something catastrophically huge with him. Jeff really hoped they hadn't been that blind. He hoped he hadn't been that blind.

"Couldn't how?" Jeff inquired. "Didn't want to go through with it? Or something else?"

Blaine sighed. "Failed. I fail at everything lately." He stared morosely at the wall in his room, eyes glassy.

Well, that wasn't really what Jeff had wanted to hear. "It's not a failure, Blaine," he reassured. "Not hurting yourself is a good thing."

Blaine just shrugged. "I tried. It didn't…work."

Jeff was beginning to understand the expression 'heart in your throat.' He felt like there was a vice tightening around his chest the more Blaine talked. He was beginning to understand what the others had felt back when he was still cutting. What his parents had felt. He hadn't ever really felt regret for that quite as deeply as he was feeling it now. He tried to figure out what Blaine was attempting to say. "You tried and you couldn't break the skin?" Jeff hazarded a guess.

Blaine nodded. "It's sharp…shouldn't it be easy?" He looked at Jeff, eyes vacant and confused. "Why was it so hard?"

Jeff sighed. He gently held out a hand and touched Blaine's arm. "Where did you try, Blaine? Can you show me?"

Blaine turned his arm palm up and gestured a few inches above his wrist. Jeff gently took his arm in his hands and gently ran a finger over the skin. "It's…the first time is going to be the hardest, Blaine," he explained. "Our bodies are fairly resilient. It takes a fair amount of…pressure…to break the skin." He gestured at Blaine's arm. "You probably didn't notice at the time because it actually takes a few seconds after for the reaction. But you do have a scrape there. Just barely." He sounded sad.

Blaine raised his arm up, staring critically at the spot. Jeff was right. There was a pale slightly reddish line there, like he had lightly scraped against the corner of something sharp. He gazed at it in fascination.

Jeff gently reached out and covered it with his hand. "It's not a good thing, Blaine. Don't get too attached to seeing it. You'll just get caught up in making it worse the next time. And eventually, you will cut through enough to make it bleed. And that will be it. Because the song got it wrong, Blaine. The First Cut isn't the deepest. It's the hardest. But once it's done, every one after that becomes the simplest thing in the world." He gently released Blaine's arm and shrugged off his jacket, rolling up the sleeves on his arms. They were a testament to his struggles, both heavily lined with faded white scars, line after line that had once been marked on his arms in metal and blood, and that he could never fully escape. He sighed. His voice was soft and pleading. "Don't go down that road, Blaine. You think you can handle it. You think it will be a one time or occasional thing. But it's an addiction. And you'll just end up hurting yourself and everyone who cares about you."

Blaine's eyes had filled up. He was teetering on the edge of tears actually spilling over. He tried to reign in his emotions. "I don't know what to do, Jeff," he admitted, voice shaking.

"That's okay," Jeff said quietly. "You don't have to know what to do. In fact, right now, there's literally only one thing you need to know how to do. And that's ask for help. It's okay that you're not all right. You don't have to be. But you need to let us help you. You need to let the people who can assist you with what you're feeling help you. All you need to do is call us. Even if you aren't okay, we'll make sure you're safe." Jeff leaned in and clung to Blaine. Blaine clung back, taking comfort in the one boy who was perhaps more scarred physically and psychologically than even he himself was. It didn't solve anything. But at least it gave him hope. There were people who cared about him. He just had to be strong enough to let them in.

Blaine's biggest problem of course had always been admitting when he needed help and letting people in. Jeff knew they had a struggle ahead of them. But they hadn't given up on him. And he wasn't giving up on Blaine. He sat silently, arms still around Blaine, as they waited for Sebastian to come back.