Everything Starts Somewhere

Chapter 12

Five weeks. Five very long, lonely weeks. She had missed him. Worried about him. Wondered about him. Dreamed about him. Not a day, a moment went by that he wasn't on her mind.

In all the time they had been apart, in those five long weeks, there had been little contact; by mail or by any other means. Molly had only actually received two short letters from Charles in all that time. Every day, each mail delivery disappointing her more as another letter didn't arrive. The two that had arrived contained messages of his love for her and a few queries into her life, but as usual, as was the Army way, they had said very little about what he was up to, how he was, or when he was coming home. She felt lost without him. Skype has been impossible, poor signals, little or no connections, so there hadn't even been any attempts, explaining in his letters it was just impossible. Both knowing that this was the case before he went, but both had been hopeful that something, anything, might have been possible once he was actually out there.

Surprising herself, as she always did, she had written to him, often, frequently, whenever she had a free moment in her day. It was her way of keeping him with her, but as time went by she even doubted if he'd received any of her letters as he had never commented on any of her news in his. That was sad for Molly as this time she had a lot of news to tell him.

Shortly after he had left for Kenya she received confirmation on her promotion. She was now Lance Corporal Dawes and was very very proud of her first stripe. She wanted so badly to share the news with Charles. To see his face light up with the pride and belief he always had in her, but he was not there and she missed his happiness in her achievement. She missed sharing with him her success. A success that was down to her hard work, but also down to his conviction in her.

The other piece of news that Molly had to share, and was just as important to her, was that she had finally passed her driving test. Charles always said she could, and would, was always the shoulder to cry on each time she had failed. This time had been her third attempt, but not even that took her happiness away. So in a mad fit of independence and excitement she'd also gone out and bought a car, heavily guided by Charles' dad! It was a small gentle car, which George thought was perfectly suitable for Molly, and her bank balance. Again she was unsure if Charles had received her letters telling him of her success, but knew that it was one piece of news that he would catch up on as soon as she met him off the plane at Brize. She'd planned on driving there in her car to pick him up. Picking him up from the end of his tour, something they had never done before, as injuries and life had always got in the way.

She arrived too early, she knew she would. The butterflies in her stomach going crazy. As soon as the sun had inched its way through her curtains, she woke from a fretful night of sleep, anticipating his return. It was inevitable, therefore that she was here way before anyone else. She sat there alone in the empty car for an hour or more, playing with her phone, checking her hair and make-up, flipping between bubbling excitement and worry about Charles' return, watching as it slowly filled up as the minutes ticked by.

Being early gave her time to think, which was not always a good thing. She thought back to two nights ago when Elvis had visited her. Up to that point she had, before his visit managed to put all doubts about Georgie and her morals out of her mind. Hers and Georgie's conversation conveniently filed away, and she had been doing well at burying it away, that was until Elvis' visit and his conversation. Then there was no avoiding it anymore.

"So have you heard anything them?" He asked. Sitting on her sofa drinking coffee looking externally relaxed, but Molly could tell he was far from it. She'd worked with this man; she knew how to read him. His leg was crossed and hooked over the other, his fingers were constantly tapping his ankle, and he frequently shifted in his seat, scanning the room, keeping himself from having direct eye contact with Molly for too long. To Molly's practiced eye it was all evidence that this usually cool man was worrying about something, and that worried Molly.

"Nah. I've had a couple of letters. No calls or emails or that. Just the official return home e-mail. Charles warned me though there wouldn't be much. You?" She looked over at him, trying to gage his reaction to her words.

"Nope. Nothing. Not a bean. A couple of letters you say? She left me a note before she went, brief thing, but that's been all." He sighed, and Molly actually felt sorry for him, for his loss. "I was away wasn't I... when she went? Haven't seen her for over three months now. Her deployment and my missions and that. We're like ships that pass in the bleeding night." He chewed at a finger nail, focusing his attention on that rather than the look of concerned on Molly's face. Three months was a long time for both Georgie and Elvis' egos to be left to their own devices.

"Shit Elvis that's rough." Molly sympathised, remembering the hardships of their jobs, and the strains it can have on relationships.

"Yeah. Miss her. Thing is Mols ...She don't do well that girl being neglected. She'll need a bit of extra attention when she comes back to make up for it. You know what I mean?" He had his typical brave face on, some Molly thought, would look at him and think he was being cocky, too self-assured in himself and his powers over Georgie, but not Molly she could see that he was worried.

"You'll be pleased when she's back?" Molly offered. Her past conversation with Georgie weighing heavily on her mind now. Believing that Elvis' and Georgie's relationship was far more complicated, far more fragile that hers was with Charles.

"I'll be bloody please when I know what exactly she's been up to." He shot back quickly at her and then looked embarrassed by his confession. One he had never voiced out aloud until them. One that showed that maybe he didn't trust Georgie as well as he should. One that showed he had doubts about Georgie's loyalty.

Molly didn't know what to say. She was frightened that she may say too much, give her friend away. Expose a flaw in their relationship, but then she knew that probably Elvis already recognised it. "Well they'll be home soon." She offered. The silence needing to be broken between them, the subject was delicate, and Molly didn't want to dwell on it. She moved the conversation on. "You going to pick her up then?" She asked.

"Think so. You? Want a lift?"

"No. I'll make my own way there thanks." And a huge smiled broke out on her face thinking about Charles' return and hopefully his surprise at getting herself there under her own volition.

As the car park filled up she made her way into the terminal, putting all thoughts out of her mind that didn't revolve around how excited she was to see Charles again. She took stock of her surroundings, the first time she had ever met anyone off a flight. It was a strange situation, although there were faces she recognised she felt it was a very insular thing. Too many loved ones, too many friends, family members who were there waiting, all like her wound up, too anxious, too nervous to engage in polite conversations. All in their own worlds of expectations and anxiety. She spotted Elvis in the crowd, but even he kept his distance, head down after the brief initial acknowledgement of her wave, studying his shoes. Like everyone else preferring his own company at this waiting time went on.

She saw him long before he saw her. Of course she knew she was there he didn't, she was scanning the arrival, looking for him, he wasn't looking for her! His beautiful face was tanned, she noticed that instantly, but she also noted he looked tired and troubled, his head was hung low and was creased with concentration. His responsibly to his men weighing on him until the very end, and she presumed this was the cause of why it was a Captain Stern Face who was walking towards her.

The instant he saw her he stilled with shock, not quite believing his eyes. She was such a welcome sight after all his weeks away. His face broke out into a wonderful smile. There was his Moly. She had come to meet him. He almost ran towards her, desperate to hold her, to press his body into the girl he loved, but wasn't sure he deserved it anymore, whether she'd welcome it. These past five weeks without her, five weeks in hell, with two section...with Lane... he wasn't sure about much anymore, except they had been the hardest and most testing conditions he'd ever experienced, and that guilt consumed him as he saw her standing there.

It wasn't like the movies. Molly saw him, and her feet were almost glued to the ground, she didn't run up to him, rush into his arms and throw herself at him. Instead they both slowly walked to one another, almost shy in each other's presence again, but as soon as they touched their shyness disappeared and they held onto each other in a bone crushing hug. Both forgetting about anything apart from their need to be with each other again.

"Hi." She mumbled into his chest, eyes tightly shut keeping the tears in.

"Hi you. God it's good to see you Molly." He kissed the words in to her hair, his voice quivering slightly, but still not releasing her in the slightest. "So fucking good." He meant every word.

They stayed like that, holding each other for what seemed like forever to Molly, but she didn't break his hold. Enjoying being possessed by him once again. It was only when Fingers and Brains came close calling her name in greeting did Charles loosen his hold on Molly to allow her to pull away from him to acknowledge her old friends, but still he held her.

After what seemed like an age they eventually started to walk to the car park. Charles constantly pulling Molly to his side kissing her head, almost with every step as though he was reassuring himself that she was there. As they were leaving Molly noticed Elvis and Georgie, and called out. Both gave them a brief wave, and Molly noted that out of all the section Georgie was the only one that Charles hadn't handshaked a good bye to. Wondering she look looked up to his face and saw a flash of something cross Charles' it as he watch Elvis and Georgie depart.

"So then Dawes, how we getting home?" He asked, pulling her back to him, his voice slightly strained in attempting to sound happy .

She pulled out some keys from her pocket and giggling waved them in his face, registering the surprise as he realised just exactly what it meant.

"I take it then you didn't get any of my letters?" She playfully asked.

"No, didn't get them?" He said straight away. Then realising how her smile was slipping he added quickly. "Oh God you haven't? You've passed?" He cried out and picked her up to swing her around as she nodded. "What a bloody clever girl you are Dawes." He beamed at her.

"I did write to tell you, course I did…but yes I finally have passed. Got me own car too. Your Dad helped me chose it." And she pointed out her pride and joy sitting in the car park.

He chuckled at the small car, a million miles away from his big gas guzzling Chelsea Tractor, but it was perfect for his girl.

"Well come on then. Take me home Private Dawes." He said as he threw his kit bag in to the boot and climbed into her pride and joy.

As Molly put the key into the ignition she turned to look at him, pride bursting from her face again. "Not Private anymore either mate. Try Lance Corporal."

"Shit Molly. Con…gra…tu…fucking…lations." He shouted at her with happiness, and pulled her in for a hug. He knew her promotion had been a long hard road, so finally getting the stripe was a big deal. He was so happy for her, but again that wave of guilt swept over him as she basked in his praise. He'd missed so much in such a short space of time in Molly's life, he'd seen things and had done things on that tour that caused him regret and always would. He gone out to Kenya with his life sorted, their life together sorted, but things had happened, things had changed and his world once again was changing.

She moved her head up to kiss him, a full kiss, something they hadn't enjoyed in front of everyone, but now they were alone and Molly wanted him. Disappointment flooded her when he kissed her back, briefly. Molly trying to understand, he was tired, adjustment to home life from tour was hard she mentally told herself. He needed to get home, relax, and then they would be back to being Molly and Charles again.

"Come on let's get you home soldier." She cheerfully said, and pulled away from him.. As she drove she watched him sink back into his seat, head tilted back and eyes closed. She was pleased he felt so relaxed with her driving that he was able to do that, though she longed for his conversation and company after being devoid of it for so long.

He woke as they arrived on their street, and as he entered the front door, he dropped his bags and stretched the sleep out of his body, making him taller and leaner than he was. Molly just stood there and watched, filled with happiness that he was home.

"So pleased you're home Charles." She said facing him wondering why there was a degree of awkwardness between them.

"Think I need a shower Molly. Then some kip. Is that ok?" He asked, avoiding her gaze. He didn't know what she was expecting, but he knew he stank, was dead on his feet and need to get his world and everything in it back onto some kind of track that he could deal with the inevitable.

"Of course. There's food whenever you want it. Made your favourite, just needs heating up." Her last words were said to his back as he bounded up the stairs heading for the shower. She wasn't even sure if he had heard. She just stood in the hallway lost for something to do. Disappointed and unsure if he wanted her to follow him, or whether he wanted to be alone. She decided on the later and went into the kitchen, taking his kit bag with her, to sort it out. On the top Molly saw her stack of her letters to him, each one unopened, untouched, all tied together in official Military tape. They had so much of her news in, so much she had shared, but here was the evidence, he hadn't read a single word of this, of her life without him, nor of her love for him.

Hours later dozing, day dreaming, on the sofa she heard his footsteps on the stairs. He made his way into the sitting room and he looked better, refreshed though still sleep fuzzy, the worry lines on his face almost gone. His tan line very obvious as he sat next to her in his sleep shorts and t shirt. His squaddie tan deep to his face, neck and lower arms, the rest of his body just lovely Charles colour.

"Thanks Molly" He said flopping next to her and half lying across her body. "I bloody needed that. Think I could sleep for a week." He offered.

She held onto him and stroked his hair. " You're welcome. Bloody missed you."

"God missed you too. It was awful not hearing anything from you, not being able to talk to you. Felt lost." He held onto her arms that were now encircling him.

"Yeah. Ditto. I've emptied your bag. Saw my letters to you. Take it you never got them?" She asked, hoping her delving into his kit back was ok.

"Didn't get one, not one bloody letter, all the time I was there, until we got on the bastard plane this morning. All the lads had received a few, but yours only came in a bunch this morning to me. Don't know why. I couldn't open them, couldn't read them in flight. Was scared to." He quietly said.

"Scared? Why scared?" It was odd that he'd received no letters from her while others had. Usually in these circumstances the Army were really good about mail drops, and it was the Medic who received the mail with their incoming supplies. On tour it had often been her job to hand out the letters, part of a Medic's role, looking after the teams mental and physically health.

"It was awful Molly. The worst. Then reading your letters after not hearing from you for so long, from thinking for five weeks there was reason why you hadn't wrote….well I didn't want to show myself up in front of the lads. So I put them away, and knew I'd deal with whatever when I got home." He confessed.

"Deal with what? Shit Charles. I did write…..lots…...you can see that. Did you think there was something wrong? That I wasn't writing to you on purpose?" She sat them both up so she could look at him.

"I guess part of me knew that there was a reason why I hadn't heard from you, but it was so awful out there. The worst. Things got out of control. Didn't know what to think most of the time. Everything got a bit messed up." He dropped his eyes focusing on the carpet. Using practiced distraction techniques to keep his emotions in as much of a check as he could. He then let out a huge breath and spoke the truth from his heart. " I needed to know you still loved me. I needed to know I still had your love, and when I didn't hear from you…"

"What?" She almost dreaded to hear the truth, the words that were next to be confessed. "What Charles?"

"I thought I was losing you…us. I love you so much Molly. Out there, away from you, in that place, it was easy to imagine. It hurt to realise just how fragile it all is. I don't want that Molly. I can't lose you, but I was so lonely, so alone, so scared. I just love you, Sam, so much and everything was so mixed up." He needed to ask. He was unsure, he still hadn't read her letters, he still had doubts. Five weeks without hearing from her. Five weeks of dealing with situations that broke apart his beliefs and loyalties. "Do you still love me Molly?"

She jumped into his arms, sitting on his lap, pulling him in close. Amazed that this confident Captain was unsure of her love for him, that five weeks without her had thrown him into doubt.

"Charles. I love you so much. Never doubt that. I wrote. I'm sorry you never got my letters, but I did write, and as soon as you read them you'll know how much I missed you…missed us." She turned his head up to hers and kissed him only to find his face was streaked with tears. "Hey…... I'm here its ok. You're back." She cooed and held onto him, helping to be his calm in the emotional storm he had worked himself into.

"It was just so hard Molly. Just so hard." He sobbed out to her, in her arms.

Hours and hours later as they lay in bed, calmed, fed, and slightly alcohol eased, they made love to one another. Endorsement of their continuing love. Everything that Charles needed, that physical contact with Molly that would reinforce the emotional love that she offered him, and everything that Molly needed, her Charles strong caring and back in control of his belief in them. It wasn't rushed, but slow. Like they were both for the very first time seeing each other, exploring the gift of each other's bodies. Nervous at their reconnection Molly's tummy flip in excitement and anticipation. That deep dark look of love that Charles' eyes held for her showed her almost as much as his love for her that his mouth, hands and fingers were proving too.

Afterwards, holding each other Charles felt safe and secure, something her hadn't felt for weeks, and he started to unburden his soul to her.

"It was the suffering that was awful.. the poverty. The children. The conflict just destroyed these normal people's lives. Shattered them. One event, one little thing and nothing they had would ever be the same." He rolled over to look at her, tracing her hair line with his fingers. "It got me thinking about you, Sam…how I couldn't live without you both. How you're both my world. Everything depends on you being there for me. Everything."

She kept quiet, and watched as he struggled with the memories. "It was only five weeks, but in those five weeks I saw how perfect my life had become, and how easy it was for me to fuck it up again. How easy it was for me to hurt you, to hurt Sam. I never want to do that." He rolled away from her and hid his face and was silent. When he eventually did speak a mask had slipped over his face, one of control, one he used professionally many times before, but one he had never with her.

"Charles? You Ok?" She queried, knowing there was something on his mind, something more that was eating him up. Something apart from what he saw, something he as yet hadn't shared with her. She wondered if he ever would.

He sat up on the edge of the bed and turned towards her. "I am now. I am as long as you'll stay with me. That whatever you'll stay." He half smiled at her, but the smile never reached his eyes, and didn't fool Molly. "Come on. I'm exhausted. Going to brush my teeth and then bed." He announced striding purposefully away. That was it, end of discussion, end of touching around the subject he had still yet to talk to her about. Molly knew to accept this, for now, and rolled over to snuggle down in the bed waiting for his return.

As she shivered outside the Guard House she again thought of Charles and Sam all cosy at his parents' house. It was Christmas Eve and Molly was on night Guard duty. Charles and Sam had long gone off to start Christmas without her. It seemed the sensible thing to do as several weeks after Charles' return home from Kenya this had been his first opportunity to see his son, and she knew just how desperate he was to do so. When Charles came home he only had a few days leave before being thrown back in to work, there was even talk of being sent back out again to the relief effort. A suggestion that Molly could see bothered Charles greatly. However it never happened, and Charles planned for the day he could see Sam again, begging Rebecca to allow him to have him for Christmas. A compromise was reached, but this put Molly slightly out of the picture for a few days as she was on duty until Boxing Day.

So she stamped her feet on the snowy ground of her camp, dealing with visitors and drunken soldiers, while Charles and Sam enjoyed hot chocolates and cakes hundreds of miles away. Eventually she would join them, with their promises to repeat Christmas day just for her. Standing there cold and tired she could have given way to a little bit of self-pity, but her facetime conversation with Charles and Sam earlier still made her feel good as they both seemed so happy. Charles had his smile back on his face, his special smile that she hadn't seem much of since his return home, and that was the best Christmas present she could have.

The day after he arrived home , as soon as he could bare to be apart physically from Molly, he read her letters. He read of the love she felt for him, something he knew, understood and trusted even more now he was home. She saw him calm, she saw him relax. He now acted as though his world and everything in it was starting to return back to normal. But it wasn't, and Molly knew, despite his efforts to pretend otherwise. There was something, something that he was keeping from her. It was a secret, and it was starting to eat him up. His sleep was disturbed, though he said it wasn't, dark circles underneath his eyes however were a tell-tale sign. She often caught him looking at her, frozen in his gaze, deep in thought, and when he realised she had notice he'd turned away from her without explanation. He'd even missed the section's Christmas night out, leaving Molly to go alone with his apologies. And then when some good news came, when he heard that Georgie was finally being transferred to his section permanently he hardly mentioned it to her or shared in everyone's happiness.

As she bounded up the steps to his parent's home the door was swung open by Sam and Charles, both rushing out to greet her in hugs and kisses. Both full of excited chatter and evidence of how they had missed her. She felt loved and happy. Happier she realised that she had felt for quite a few weeks. As she sat the in the kitchen drinking her tea, she realised that Charles was finally relaxed and comfortable, their time apart, these few days away from one another seemed to have brought him some calmness. She hoped whatever demon he had wrestled with, whatever had played on his mind was now over. And so their few days together as a mini family was wonderful, happy, and perfect, just like Charles always said things could be for them.

"You looking forward to the New Year's Eve ball?" She asked turning down the music and hunting in her bag for some crisps. Charles was driving them back to their home, after dropping Sam off at Rebecca's. Facing away from him she didn't see how he froze at her words. Almost instantly the atmosphere changed in the car, no longer happy, no longer comfortable. "Haven't seen Elvis and Georgie for ages." Molly continued, taking a few moments to realise the shift. "She never made it to the section's night out either. Lads thought it a bit odd."

He didn't answer, kept his eyes firmly focused on the road. So she tried again. " Charles? I asked if you were looking forward to the ball? It was good last year. I was thinking of asking Elvis and Georgie if they wanted to stay over again."

His face became pinched, focused intently on the road. He sat himself upright in the seat, stretching out his back. Hands gripping the wheel with determination. There was an expected pause, and eventually he had to answer her. "Look I was wondering if this year. You fancied giving it a miss and all that." He spoke, flat, neutral, cold.

"Yeah? Why's that?" She asked, curious, and puzzled by their sudden change of plans. Doubts, worries fear running through her mind.

"Just been there done that. That's all." He forced out a hollow laugh, an attempt at making light of his strange request. "Thought you and I could do something special. You know together. Just us." He twisted his face with effort into a half-hearted smile, trying to offer her reassurance.

"Ok." She replied. Hesitant, knowing that pushing it while he was driving was not a good thing. He was too fixed on his driving through the ice roads to say more, so leaving it now was her only option. She watched as he feigned normality, as what he had just said wasn't important. Her gut tightened. She knew, there was something he was not telling her, something big, and sooner or later it would cause them grief.

As soon as she got home though she turned on him, she needed to know. "What's going on Charles?" Since his return she was sick of asking him the same question. There was something going on, but he'd never replied, never told her. But this time it was different, she saw it in his eyes and followed him to the kitchen, both simultaneously sitting down, opposite one another, at the table.

He looked up at her, stared directly into her eyes, and she knew. Little things, but she knew. So many clues that she had ignored. But with that look, the look he was giving her, the look of fear at his confession, she knew. Her heart was starting to slowly break into pieces at the short period of silence that followed. She watched as be began to steel himself up, as he drew on his courage, as he began to attempt damage limitation with the words he was about to speak.

She fixed him a look. "Charles?" It was almost as though she was giving him permission to begin, to start at the beginning and to continue until she knew all, whether she wanted to know or not.

When he did speak he spoke quietly and slowly, considering every damming word that came out of his mouth. "You're right, I knew you'd know, that you'd notice. There is something. That last tour…..Kenya…..I'm so sorry. I never meant to. I don't know how it happened. One minute I was alone, and the next she was there, in my quarters. I still don't understand it all. How I let it happen. I'm so sorry." And with that he lowered his head onto the table,

She reached out to stoke it, an automatic response to comfort him, but pulled her hand back suddenly in realisation, as the words sunk in. He felt her pull away, but still didn't look up. "What happened Charles? Tell me. Who was it? Who came into you quarters?" Taking in deep controlling breaths, she folded her hands tightly in front of her, and remained sitting, waiting for him to raise his head and start speaking again.

He looked up cautiously, slowly. Weary of his next move, weary of Molly's response. He drew breath and began. His next words crushed her, but as he spoke them, in fact even before he spoke them she knew what he was going to say.

"It was Lane….. It was Georgie who came to my quarters."