Thanks for all your positive comments about the M chapter! I was worried it was going to be rubbish so I'm relieved that you liked it :)
Enjoy!
Chapter 12
Ste rolled over in his sleep and felt the sharp cold of the concrete prison walls against his naked bum, the shock of it pulling him out of his dozing state and forcing his eyes open. His gaze drank in the sight of Brendan sleeping peacefully next to him and he smiled, a satisfied, beaming smile, as he rolled back over and slotted back into the curves of Brendan's body. The warmth of Brendan as he spooned against Ste took away the discomfort of the prison wall within seconds.
He felt the tickle of Brendan's moustache against his neck as he stirred in his sleep, his lips pouting instinctively against Ste's neck and kissing as he nuzzled him, squeezing him even tighter in his arms.
Ste smiled to himself – he had missed this. He always loved it when Brendan was like this, first thing in the morning before he had fully woken up. His mind not fully alert yet but other parts of his anatomy not suffering the same fate - awake and standing to attention, digging into Ste's back.
Brendan was stirring now, his wandering hands starting to travel down Ste's body, checking all his favourite parts were still there. He always was horny as hell in the mornings – well, pretty much most of the day, actually – but especially so first thing, as if that part of him woke up before the rest of his body did.
As Brendan started to come round, he remembered how divine Steven had felt last night. A part of him felt as if he had been brought back to life, as if all the pain he had gone through had been shed, as if a new version of himself had been born. He wasn't going to take Steven for granted ever again.
They were both feeling more refreshed than ever, despite their bodies being bruised and aching as a result of their passionate reunion the night before. Brendan tightened his squeeze around Ste, feeling him stir against him, their naked bodies intertwined. He gazed in wonder at how delicate his Steven was, his long thick lashes blinking back the light as they peeled open, confusion etched over his face as he tried to remember where he was. Prison.
As Brendan looked at the beauty of his better half, took in his vulnerability and that delicate quality that Brendan just wanted to spend his life protecting, he was reminded of the stark contrast between him and his new surroundings. He didn't belong in here, incarcerated – he deserved to be free and to live his life to the full. He was too good for this place - and that seemed like the understatement of the century.
Brendan was feeling more and more uncomfortable with it as each second passed, and as Ste nuzzled into Brendan's neck, trying to be playful and affectionate, something within Brendan snapped and he jumped up out of the bed, grabbing his clothes from around the floor and dressing himself quickly.
Ste looked up at him in confusion, this eccentric man whose actions never failed to surprise him. Last night he had been so forgiving, so accepting, and Ste had hoped they were just going to glaze over the issue of him being in prison and just move on with it. This same guy that a few months ago in Dublin had poured his soul out to him on the Halfpenny Bridge; that had later told him his deepest darkest secrets about the abuse he suffered as a child at the hands of his father. He had let Ste know him, truly know him, like no-one ever had before. But now, he was running scared after one night back together, and Ste couldn't believe it was happening again.
He lifted himself up onto his arms to see what Brendan was doing, but on the realisation that he was having another of his freakouts Ste sighed loudly and let himself drop down onto the bed, too tired to argue with him, his body to jaded to fight back.
"What you doing, Bren?" he asked, his voice soft and sleepy, muffled against the bed sheet.
He got nothing in response and knew then that they were in trouble – that Brendan wasn't happy with him, as he ignored Ste and continued to tidy up the mess in his cell.
"Come on, Bren, talk to me," Ste pleaded, concerned, "please."
Brendan stopped, stood in the centre of the cell, fully dressed now, mouth firmly shut and head leaning back, looking up to the ceiling. He seemed exasperated.
"Why are ye here, Steven," it came out quietly, almost a whisper, and Ste wasn't sure whether he was meant to hear it or not, so he didn't respond. He thought the answer was obvious anyway.
Brendan had been waiting for an answer though, and when he didn't get one he turned to look at him, lying naked in his bed, no shame whatsoever. He walked across and sat at the foot of the bed, Ste bringing his legs up under the sheet to make room for him there.
"I just don't understand why you would do this?"
Ste was taken aback with the honesty behind Brendan's words, and felt the need to lighten the mood slightly.
"You telling me you haven't missed me?" Ste asked seductively, shifting closer to Brendan and walking his fingers up his arm playfully, one infront of the other until he reached his shoulder, then whispering into his ear, "You telling me you don't understand how I could keep away from you when you can do things like that to me?"
Brendan knew he was referring to the previous night, one of the rare occasions when they had actually made love instead of made passionate fucking to quench their never ending thirst for one another. He had still known what to do to him, which buttons to press, which parts to focus on – he wouldn't ever forget how to tune in Steven Hay perfectly.
But Brendan wasn't thinking about that now. All he could think about was that he had failed – all he had ever wanted was the best for Steven, he had only ever wanted to protect him, to keep him away from all of this – and now he was here, the opposite of where Brendan hoped he would be. He kicked himself, couldn't help but wonder if he should have just accepted those visiting orders, had never imagined that Steven would go this far to see him. This is the type of stupid thing Brendan would do to protect Steven, the lengths he was willing to go to for him,, not the other way around – he wasn't worth it.
"Stop it, Steven," Brendan snapped as the lad tried to kiss the back of his neck, flinching away from him, "I'm serious."
Ste sighed and sat back down, he knew this moment would come eventually, but he had hoped Brendan would let them stay in their blissful state of reunion for a few more hours at least.
"I can't believe you would be that…" Not stupid, Brendan scolded himself, don't ever call him stupid, "…that reckless, Steven. Why?"
"Does it really matter Bren?" Ste tried to dodge the argument, "I'm here now, we've got each other back again, can't we just enjoy – "
"No, Steven," Brendan interrupted, "How do you expect me to enjoy watching you in here? You're so much better than this, Steven."
Ste couldn't find the words to bite back, knew Brendan had to work this one out for himself – he had to work through his rage before he could come back to Ste.
"I can't believe that you would do this," he repeated, his voice raised and urgent, "Please tell me this is some sort of mistake, that you haven't done anything – " don't say stupid – "feckless. Please tell me you haven't done this for me."
"Course I did it for you," Ste replied, voice low and quiet as he looked to the ground, almost embarrassed to admit he had gone that far for a man who was now rejecting him.
The red mist had descended now for Brendan. Not in the way it had done before with Steven – not so that he would lash out. He was fighting that now, wanted to be able to promise that he would never hurt him in that way again. But he needed to shake some sense in the boy, needed to have it out with him, to make him know that he was not ok with this. It wasn't ok for him to be here.
Brendan stood up and paced around the room, arms flying around animatedly as he vented at Ste, "What about yer kids Steven? Little Leah and Lucas – you think they're gonna be proud of their Daddy? What about your business? Who's gonna keep that running whilst you're here? What happened to 'Littld Scally Ste, making good', hey?" His voice was ragged and desperate, his face contorted with the ferocity of the words as they escaped his mouth, "You can't give all of that up Steven – not for me, not for anyone! I'm not worth all of this, you know I'm not. You deserve so much better. You've got so much to live for out there Steven – so many people who care about you, so many people who love you out there. You don't need me, you – "
"Except I do need you, Brendan!" Ste shouted back, desperation in his voice, "I do! I tried living without you, and you know what, Brendan – it was shit. I hated you to begin with – like, properly hated you. More than I ever had before. More than I did even when you used to hit me – because you'd changed, you'd become the guy I always wanted you to be, and then you just dropped me, just left me there with these amazing memories, with all these promises about our future together. And I honestly believed that falling in love with you had ruined my life,"
"I did ruin your life – "
"But then I realised that was bullshit, Brendan," Ste hated how easily Brendan would agree with him when he said things like that, but never when he told him how important he was to him, "I know why you did it, and all I wanted to do was see you, just visit you, tell you I understood, that I loved you and that I was gonna be there for you – but you never let me in, did ya?" Ste paused to let his words sink in, could feel them settling around the room, "You just pushed me away – and that's what ruined me Brendan! That's what made me start drinking whiskey at 10 am; that's what made me give up on the business; that's what made me push Amy and Doug and Cheryl away; that's what led me here, led me to be as stupid as I always fucking am, thinking you'd be pleased to see me. All of that – that's because YOU gave up on US!"
His words stung, Brendan unable to cope with the thought that it was him who had pushed Steven to this place. After a while he spoke again, as if he had given himself the time to prepare what he needed to say, to get his point known to Ste.
"You're not stupid, Steven," he started - he had once made a vow to never let Steven think this about himself – before continuing, "I know it was hard on you, when I came here – "
"Hard on me!" Ste's voice was raised, frustrated, "Bren you have no idea – "
"Just let me finish, Steven!" Brendan bit back, "Just hear me out, ok?"
Ste sighed and reluctantly nodded, holding his hands out to Brendan as if to signal that he had the floor, it was his turn to speak, as they sat on the bed side by side, Brendan fully dressed and Ste completely naked, modesty covered with only the bed sheet.
"I know it was hard," Brendan started, voice low and gentle, his accent more pronounced than ever, "I know it was hard to see me in that hospital like that. And everything you said – you were wrong. I do know what love is – I know because you taught me, Steven. I only know what love is because of you. And it killed me to sit there and keep quiet as you said all those things," Brendan exhaled and turned to face Ste, "But I had to make you see – I'll always love you, Steven – but it has to end."
He raised an eyebrow to Ste to silence him, aware of him opening his mouth to speak, then closing it as he saw the look in Brendan's eye.
"I thought you understood all of this," Brendan continued, "I mean, ask yourself, how do you really think this is gonna work out? I know you're here now, but you can't be here forever. You're worth so much more than this. You're worth so much more than me, Steven."
"Don't say that, Bren," Ste's voice was calm now, reassuring, "Don't ever say that, or think that. Me and you," he gently raised his hand to Brendan's chin and pulled him up to stare into his eyes, "we're two halves of one whole. And I love you."
His words echoed around Brendan's head. He could say this a million times, and he may never be convinced it was true. Steven would always be too good for him. But he couldn't be mad at him anymore, not when he had said all of that to him, not when he knew the hell he had put Steven through.
His rage had somewhat dissipated after Steven's words, and he felt he couldn't be angry with the boy any more. As much as he needed him out of this place, he was here now and Brendan was going to have to get used to it, for the short term at least. He didn't need to push him away, not right now. Now, he just needed answers.
"You started drinking whiskey?" Brendan asked him, his voice attempting to sound playful, his eyebrow raised up at Ste.
"Yeah," Ste laughed back, "It was gross! Never liked it, only used to drink it to impress you anyway!"
"I know, I picked up on that."
"Nah, you didn't, I was proper good at pretending to be all into it."
"Steven – I can read you like a book, always could. You always hated it."
Ste laughed, busted, the tension between them lifting.
"Why'd you do it?" Brendan asked, simply.
Ste sighed, wanting to dodge the question but knowing they needed to have this conversation eventually.
"I was grabbing onto anything that reminded me of you," Ste started, a cutting sincerity in his voice as he spoke, "And I was pushing everyone away at the same time. You, in here, your whole life changed. But out there," he pointed towards the window, as if the village was the other side of that wall, "out there everything stayed the same. Everyone just carried on with it, as if nothing had happened, but my whole world had been turned upside down. And every day someone would come up to me – Tony, Jacqui, Cindy, anyone – asking how I was doing, saying that I was probably better off without you. I just wanted to lash out, block them all out, because they didn't have a clue. Everywhere I went, everything I did in that place – it all reminded me of you, and I just wanted something to stop it hurting so much."
Brendan was listening intently to everything Steven had to say, drinking in his honesty, desperate to know what had led him to become so desperate.
"I needed to see you, and every day you turned me away. Deep down I knew why, I understood, but I was so desperate for you."
"What did you do?" Brendan asked bluntly, needing to know how far he had gone.
"I didn't mean it first time," Ste replied, "I was drunk, Darren threw me out the pub, again, and I just lost it. Don't know why, but I stole a car off the Dog car park and just drove. I was totally hammered, don't even remember what happened but I woke up in hospital with the cops outside my door and I knew I was in trouble. Everyone kept talking about me as if I weren't there, and Amy said something about prison. I was scared at first, at the thought of being sent here, but it hit me then that if I got sent down I would be with you."
Brendan released a sigh and looked down to the floor, his hands stressing the material of his trousers as he forced himself to keep quiet, to not snap at Ste as he filled him in on all the details of his trial and the subsequent outburst, and how Jim had arranged for him to give evidence at Brendan's trial once he had realised the depth of Ste's desperation.
Brendan saw Steven's point of view – he always had – but it was only now that he was sat in front of him, tears threatening to fall from his beautiful blue eyes, that it really hit home for Brendan exactly what he had done; how his sacrifice for Cheryl had almost destroyed Steven. He felt instantly guilty – an emotion he was yet to experience until now.
They sat together for a few moments, the atmosphere in the room thick with emotion, before Brendan leant in close to Steven and kissed him gently on the lips. Ste looked up into his playful blue eyes and kissed him back, a gentle peck again. Brendan wrapped his arms around his lovers neck and held him close, feeling his anger and uncertainty ebb away, replaced by nothing but love and gratitude. He wasn't happy that Steven was here; but he was happy that he was with him, and he decided to focus on that for now.
"Get some clothes on you shameless fecker," he teased as he pulled out of Ste's embrace, "I can hear them starting roll call on the end of the corridor already."
-s-
Brendan returned to his own cell and Ste sat waiting for Karl to come back in his place, having spent the night sleeping in Brendan's cell. He was eyeballing Ste as he walked through the door, something sinister in the way he glanced at Ste and looked him up and down, as if inspecting him for damage.
"Good night, was it?" Karl asked, bitterness laced through his tone.
"Erm, yeah," Ste felt a little embarrassed, sure his cheeks were flushing red, and more than a little concerned with Karl's tone, "You?"
He knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as the word escaped his lips, confirmed by the look in Karl's eyes as he replied, "Oh, yeah, one of the best. Being the extra special prisoner he is, Brendan sure has the best room in this place."
"Really?" Ste asked, voiced pitched high with surprise, until he saw Karl expression and knew he was being sarcastic.
"No, Ste, it was fucking cold and horrible," Karl replied deadpan. "Hope you were nice and warm in here. With Brendan."
Ste chewed his bottom lip nervously. Since meeting him a few days ago, Ste had gone from liking Karl, to despising him, to feeling sorry for him, and now he just didn't know. He couldn't deny that in the past few days, when Brendan had been in solitary, he had started to feel thankful for his company once again. Now, he wondered if him and Brendan had taken things too far by asking Karl to spend the night in Brendan's cell whilst they stayed in here, especially with Karl's little crush.
"I'm sorry, Karl" Ste let out, almost defensively in response to Karl's anger rather than with any real meaning, "I'm sorry that you think I've come in here and stolen Brendan away from you, but it's not like that at all. You haven't got a clue about Brendan. You think you know him, but you don't know him at all. And you don't know me either. So don't come back in here being all arsey with me, yeah, cause you're jealous, when you don't know anything."
Karl was a little taken aback by this, his eyes widening even further as he thought about it, realising that maybe he needed to know a lot more about the two of them before he could come up with a plan for their demise. He needed answers, but couldn't help himself having another dig as he answered Ste back, "Well I'm sorry that you were pathetic enough to get yourself locked up back in here 'cause you were so desperate to get back with him. I mean, he's alright and that but he ain't worth all that, is he?"
Ste couldn't believe what he was hearing, instinctively darting over to Karl and standing above him, his face inches from Karl's as he pointed down at him, "Don't you EVER talk about him like that. You don't know shit, Karl."
Ste had stood over him for a few more seconds, threatening him with his eyes, before Karl had broken eye contact and shuffled back on his bed, retreating away from Ste. He needed to break this tension if he was going to get any details out of him.
After a few moments Ste returned to his side of the cell and started brushing his teeth, reluctant to rinse that taste of Brendan away but needing to do something to cut the tense atmosphere in the room.
"I had a good look through his things," Karl admitted out of the blue.
"You did what?" Ste spun around to face him, a look of disgust on his face.
"I found that picture of you that he keeps in his bible," Karl's tone was less fierce now, and he spoke as if chatting amongst mates, "Didn't realise it was a folded up piece of card – something from your wedding."
Ste spat the toothpaste out and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, putting his toothbrush back on the sink and looking at himself in the mirror, "And what?"
"The date said it was only November. Brendan came in here in March. So you could only have been together, what, a few months?"
Ste was suspicious of Karl now, wondering why he needed to know all of this, asking him outright, "Why is that any of your business?"
"It's not," Karl replied, keeping his tone conversational, "I'm just interested I guess. I know you said you had a husband but you just made out like you and Brendan had this massive history when you were actually marrying another guy a few months ago. Just doesn't make sense."
Ste couldn't help but laugh at this, at how little Karl knew about them. "Karl, I'm sure a lot of it wouldn't make sense to you if I told you. But that doesn't matter does it – it's nothing to do with you."
Karl shook his head, trying to stay as calm as possible and not bite back, answering calmly, "I'm only asking Ste, making conversation," before picking up his book and feigning interest in the words before him.
Ste had felt a pang of regret for snapping at him. He couldn't help but bite at anyone who tried to interfere with him and Brendan, or anyone who thought they knew what the two of them shared. Nobody but Ste and Brendan themselves could ever understand it fully, so everyone else should just leave them the hell alone as far as Ste was concerned.
Despite that, he knew that he didn't want to make an enemy out of Karl. They were cellmates, and would have to spend so much time together in here. Ste didn't really want to make things any more difficult for himself than they needed to be. Yeah, he hated that Karl had a thing for Brendan, but could he really blame him at the end of it? He had eyes at the end of the day. And it was Ste who Brendan was going to spend every night fucking, not Karl, so why should Ste feel threatened?
"I've known him, like, nearly three years," Ste started calmly, deciding to ease the intensity in the room a little by way of explanation, "It's been on and off, pretty much constantly. And yeah, I married someone else, but that was a mistake. It's complicated, Karl. I couldn't explain it to you even if I had all the time in the world, 'cause the words just ain't there."
Karl nodded, understanding that maybe this was something bigger than he could comprehend. He replied cautiously, because he needed to know this, "Did you get yourself locked up here on purpose? To be with him?"
Ste felt too embarrassed to reply and simply shrugged his shoulders then looked away, making the answer to Karl's question all too obvious.
"That's pretty fucked up," Karl announced, but his tone was more relaxed than derisory, "You must have it pretty bad."
Ste looked up at him and saw him smiling now, feeling relieved that they seemed to have found their way back to being friends, "You have no idea," he laughed back at him.
Karl stood up and held his hand out to Ste by way of apology, "Let's put all this behind us, yeah?"
Ste thought about it before taking Karl's hand in his own, "Yeah," he replied as he shook it, the two of them laughing until Karl turned away to sit back on his bed.
Ste noticed Karl's smile drop instantly and his eyes roll back as he turned, when he thought he was out of Ste's eye line, and he felt suddenly uneasy. He wasn't meant to see that – Karl didn't know that he had – and Ste couldn't help but feel that Karl hadn't meant a single word he had just said.
Ste make a decision then once and for all – Karl wasn't to be trusted.
