"Idiot, idiot, idiot," Anders chanted, hitting himself upside the head with his journal. He'd been doing this for a while now, having started after Fenris had bolted off.
"Shouldn't have told him," he grumbled angrily. "Whatever happened to baby steps? I should have- bah, I don't know. This is ridiculous, I can't believe I-"
He sighed, cutting himself off. It would do no good to berate himself on his actions now; what was said was said, and he had left it up to Fenris to do with as he would. In all honesty, that was probably the best that he could do right now. Even though he had never really…had these sort of feelings before…he wasn't one to force his lovers (or potential lovers) into a corner. He had hated being subjugated when in the Circle, and it was just plain rude and barbaric to not show some care to someone you liked enough to chase upstairs and dive into bed with.
So he would wait on Fenris, even if it meant the elf would never talk to him again.
…He really hoped the elf would talk to him again.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were nervous about something."
Anders glanced up at the door, frowning at his former mentor. "I may have blown any chance I had with someone I liked. I'm allowed to be nervous."
"Hmm, well as your healer, I suggest that you remove your worry from your mind, and focus on healing," Wynne said, stepping into the room and making a beeline for his bare chest. "Let me see you, child."
"I'm full grown now, thank you," Anders said, pulling the blankets down from his chest as requested.
"You'll always be a pup to me," Wynne replied, a hint of fondness in her voice as she looked him over. "Well, these will scar, but they should fade a little. I'm certain they won't affect your romantic overtures in any way, shape, or form."
"If I make any," Anders said glumly. "I'm not making a move if he doesn't want me to."
"That's quite gentlemanly of you," Wynne mused. "Just make sure you don't hesitate when the time comes, or he will think you've lost interest."
"You're a fountain of wisdom Wynne," the man laughed.
"Of course I am. Someone has to have some sense on this boat," she snorted. "Might as well be the old bat."
He was left alone for several hours after that, with only his thoughts for company. He shifted in bed, wincing slightly as the heat flared warningly in his chest. He wanted to go outside, get some fresh air, be around someone, anyone. This was starting to make him feel cagey, and it was all too close a resemblance to his time in solitary back in the Circle. Granted, his cell didn't tilt and shift like the ship did, and he certainly saw and interacted with more people, but this extra alone time did not suit him at all.
He could still hear what those damn templars had said to him, even if it was only in bits and pieces. He could still feel the whip cutting into him-
Enough. He couldn't take this anymore.
He was halfway to the door when it opened and Fenris stepped inside. He took one look at the mage, cocked an eyebrow, and pointed firmly at the bed.
At least there was someone there now to keep him distracted. Grumbling, Anders climbed back in as Fenris settled into the chair.
"You did not tell me you had released your pet spirit," Fenris said after a moment.
Anders nodded. "It just never seemed like a good time," he admitted.
"When you first saved me would have been a good point," the elf said wryly. "Or any time between then and now."
"You had other things to worry about," the mage argued.
"And now I just have you to worry about instead," the elf countered sharply.
Anders winced. "I ran to my Warden Commander after Kirkwall. Justice was gone; he had been twisted into something else completely at that point. And I realized that I couldn't continue to live with him still inside me, still entwined with me as he was. If anyone was going to help me separate from Justice, it was her."
"You succeeded," Fenris supplied.
"Yes, we did," Anders nodded. "And because of that, I'm now subject to her demands, and she keeps an eye on me."
"The assassin," Fenris said with a start. "He mentioned something about watching, but I thought-"
"Yes. He's been keeping an eye on me since I relocated to Tevinter. That's how he got to you so quickly after the templars took me. He knew my history of running, and wanted to make sure I didn't give him or his Warden the slip again."
"That's why you couldn't escape them," the elf breathed, understanding now. "I had been wondering why you had not called upon him to aide you."
"It's rather difficult when you don't have a passenger anymore," Anders chuckled.
Fenris considered him for a moment. "What is it like, to not have the spirit inside you anymore?"
"Lonely," Anders replied promptly. "It feels like I'm missing a piece of myself, a little voice that would speak to me when no one else would, who would agree with me on the important things but argue semantics."
"It is lonely," Fenris mused. "I…wouldn't want you to feel that, Anders," he offered awkwardly. "After all you've done for me, I would always consider you…a friend."
Well, that was adorably sweet of him, Anders thought with a small smile. Unthinking, he reached out and nabbed the elf's hand, thumb and forefinger massaging the muscles there.
Fenris stilled. Worried, Anders glanced up, stilling his own motions.
"It is…fine," Fenris said, stiffly. "I do not mind your touch. I just wasn't expecting it."
Cautiously, still keeping an eye on the elf's face, Anders started the massage again. He relaxed when Fenris did, the elf's eyes drifting closed in pleasure. Anders gently tugged him down, and the warrior settled on the edge of the bed, still under the spell of the mage's fingers.
They did not speak for some time, both enjoying the simple pleasure such a touch brought.
"I will make sure you are not left alone," Fenris said. "If…if that is to your liking."
"Thank you," Anders breathed, bringing the elf's hand up and kissing the inside of his palm gratefully. Again, Fenris stiffened, and Anders immediately dropped his hand.
"I'm sorry," he said hurriedly. "I just-"
"It is alright, healer," Fenris interjected quietly. "It was unexpected, but not unappreciated."
Fenris left soon after, leaving only when Wynne came in to check on him.
Anders didn't see Fenris again until nearly three days later; the elf stormed into his room as if on a mission. Granted, the way Fenris usually walked, literally claiming the space around him, made this seem normal. But the determined look in his eye was…thrilling.
Anders blinked up at the elf, taking in his appearance. "I didn't know you could swim."
Fenris glowered at him, hair plastered to his head and neck, leathers creaking loudly with each movement. He smelled strongly of fresh air, sea salt, and what Anders suspected was fish guts. He wrinkled his nose at the smell, eyes landing on the other man's arm.
"What in Andraste's bloody name happened?" he asked, shocked and upset at the red river of blood trailing down the elf's sword arm.
Fenris took a deliberate step towards Anders' bed. "I have thought about what we discussed," he said curtly.
Anders felt nearly two inches tall, shrinking into his blanket and sheets. This did not bode well.
"I have…been unable to think of little else," Fenris continued, standing before Anders, within touching distance. "Tell me to go, and I shall."
"Go…take a bath?" Anders ventured timidly.
Fenris blinked, lifting an arm after a moment and taking a whiff of himself. His head jerked back, a snarl on his lips. "No! I- I meant," he stammered, huffed, and tried again. "Anders," he said slowly. "I have been unable to dismiss you from my thoughts, no matter what I do. You invade my rest, and I still find it unbelievable that you are interested. You're the second person I've ever known to have cared for me, and you're the only one I've ever really needed…and wanted."
Anders gulped, unable to respond verbally to that. The look Fenris was giving him…equal parts fear and desire. Fear of rejection, but the desire was there in equal measure, warring with the terror, and currently winning.
Maker have mercy on me, I'm just one mortal man!
"I wouldn't dare try to make a claim on a man such as yourself, but…if you are amiable," Fenris continued after a moment. "I would…like to try. To be with you. If you are of like mind."
"What did you have in mind?" Anders said, finding his voice at last.
"My last…relationship started and ended fairly quickly," the elf said, looking down at the mage pensively. "I would not like to repeat the experience." He looked uncomfortable now. "I know you are fairly experienced, and probably have certain expectations, but I'll need time to acclimate. I would request that we take things slowly, if that is acceptable."
"We'll go at your pace then," Anders said with a nod. "I can live with that."
Fenris shifted, looking decidedly even more uncomfortable, ears lowered uncertainly. "I suppose this would be considered courtship then, yes?"
"Depends on who you ask, but if that's what you want to call it," Anders replied with a shrug.
Fenris held out a clenched fist, looking down at his feet as he did so. Curious, Anders held out his hand.
A bloodied shark tooth was dropped into the palm of his hand.
"I am told that they are protective good luck charms," Fenris mumbled, shifting on his feet. "I thought you would appreciate it."
"Where did you get this?" Anders breathed, looking up at the elf's arm. "…and how?"
"One of the sailors brought up their net, and it had a shark in it. Sharks are bad omens, so no one wanted to touch it. I threw it back overboard, but not before it gave me a parting gift," Fenris grinned.
"Come here," Anders demanded, setting aside the gift and motioning the elf to him. "I just got you mostly patched up and then you go and pull this stunt."
"It is not bad, my healer," Fenris said quietly, though he did offer his arm to the mage.
Wiping away the blood and gunk, Anders saw it was as Fenris said; it just looked bad because of the build-up of blood and sea slime. "Wash it thoroughly," he said, letting go. "And then come back to me so I can close it up."
"What, you're not going to kiss it to make it better?"
Unable to resist the tease, Anders replied "I'm sure I could think of better places to kiss."
A low rumble came from the elf, Anders recognizing a second later that it was contained laughter. "I'll hold you to that, Anders," the warrior smiled. He inclined his head, stepping back and out the door. Zevran popped up a moment later, grinning widely.
"So…what's this I hear about kissing in better places? May I suggest a few?"
Anders was dozing when Fenris came back, entering the room under a cover of darkness. He quietly shooed Wynne out and took her place in the chair by the mage. He was dry, and the only smell on him now was the sea air he had brought into the room with him.
"Well, you certainly smell much better," Anders said in greeting, eyes fully opening and looking up at the elf. His arm, he noted happily, was cleaned and bandaged.
"Soap can do amazing things," Fenris agreed lightly. He fell silent, staring down at Anders, contemplating something.
Anders started to fidget under that gaze; he had seen a similar look before, once. It was after his third escape attempt from the Circle, and he had actually managed to get past the first town, and into a heavily wooded area. He had been milling about, minding his own business, when he had spotted a great furry wolf stalking a small deer. Excited at the prospect of watching a real hunt, Anders had settled in to silently watch. The wolf surely knew he was there, but was focused on the hunt; yellow eyes never wavered from its prey, nearly burning a hole into its target for many long minutes before it struck with speed and ferocity.
Even though he hoped this wouldn't end in bloodshed like that encounter had, the same intensity Fenris was looking at him with now reminded Anders of the wolf he had seen.
"Something on your mind?" he asked, shifting in bed.
Fenris considered for a moment before nodding. "Yes. I was wondering if you would mind…if you would…"
"Yes?" Anders asked softly.
"Close your eyes and don't move?"
Anders registered surprise on the elf's face when he immediately did so, without question, settling back into bed with a huff, and his eyes falling shut as he looked up at the wooden ceiling.
He waited for some time before he felt a faint stirring in the air, alerting him that Fenris was moving at last.
He fought the urge to twitch or jump when the elf tentatively brushed a finger down the side of his face. Fenris repeated the motion again, this time slower and more firmly. Anders relaxed fully under the elf's touch, a soft sigh escaping him when the finger gently skimmed from his chin to his lips, ever so lightly dancing over them. He blamed reflexes when his tongue automatically darted out, licking at the digit.
He nearly, nearly, opened his eyes when he heard Fenris hiss softly, but remained blind, keeping them closed if only by stubbornness. Fenris had asked him to do this, and Anders would do his best to provide.
"Sorry," he mumbled. "I just-"
"It is alright," the warrior interjected quietly. "Just don't move. I'm going to touch more of you."
Anders gulped, trying not to think too many naughty thoughts, but it was hard because he was here, alone with Fenris, who had expressed an interest in him, who smelled really good now and Maker it had been a long time-
He heard the shifting of armor, the undoing of a buckle, and the small thump of a weapon being set on the floor. He shivered slightly when his face was cupped by two hands, tilting his head up. He held still, eyes still closed even as all Fenris did was hold his head aloft. It was a gesture of trust for the mage; even with his magic, the elf could easily snap his neck ten times quicker than Anders could get off a spell.
Yet he knew Fenris would do no such thing. The elf had a sense of honor and Anders got the feeling that it would be against the elf's self-imposed code of conduct to harm the one who helped heal him.
Probably.
Besides, he thought wryly, Fenris didn't seem the type to be into necrophilia.
"I asked that you do not open your eyes or move," Fenris rumbled, thumbs digging gently into the mage's cheeks and circling into the skin. "I did not say you were to remain silent."
"Er...I don't really have anything to say," Anders said awkwardly. "Except to please keep doing what you're doing."
"Do you really enjoy this?" Fenris asked, curiosity in his voice, thumbs never ceasing their movements. "This simple touching, a mere morsel of the much bigger feast that you are used to?"
"Sometimes it's the small things that are the most appreciated," Anders pointed out. "A touch to the face-" he stopped for a moment when Fenris' fingers returned to his face, brushing gently against him. He cleared his throat and continued. "Or the soft sound of your lover-"
He couldn't help it, but he shivered in delight as Fenris' lips brushed against his ear, and the elf chuckled. It wasn't a carefree sound but a dark, promising one. Like he had plans for Anders.
Maker, help me.
"-or even an embrace or chaste kiss."
The elf had pulled back at that, his hands once again tightening around the mage's face. Anders frowned, but kept his eyes closed. He must have crossed an invisible line somewhere, he thought sadly. Of course, if he didn't know what the line was, he risked crossing it again in the future and-
His thoughts were interrupted as his head was tilted slightly further up, and cautious lips touched his own.
Fenris was kissing him.
Fenris. Was. Kissing. Him.
Any logical thought was absent as he forgot himself, arms reaching up and gripping the elf, pulling him down against him as he kissed back. Fenris made a surprised noise, but didn't pull away or struggle. Instead, he slowly opened his mouth, and Anders swiped his tongue inside, tasting the elf for the first time- sweet, like he had been eating fruit. He was gentle, up until the elf started kissing back.
Anders let out a needy moan, rocking against Fenris as the kiss deepened, unable to resist giving in to the pleasure of another against him, kissing him, and-
Fuck!
Fenris had ground his hips back tentatively, the motion unsure. It brought some clarity back – the elf was new to this sort of thing, and had asked to go slow. Grinding into each other like randy teenagers only a day after having that discussion was not slow.
"Fenris," he gasped, pulling away.
A low rumble of disapproval came from the elf, causing Anders to smile at the darkness. "Fenris," he said, a little stronger. "That…was good," he said slowly. "A little too good, if you get my meaning."
"I…" the elf cleared his throat, and Anders fought back a disappointed whimper as the elf let him go, and he felt the bed shift and the warmth of another's body leave. "I apologize. You may open your eyes now."
Anders immediately did as requested, seeing Fenris sitting back in his chair, as if their encounter had never happened.
Well, there was proof in the reddened lips and cheeks of the elf, so Anders was positive it had happened. And he could still taste the sweetness of the elf's flavor on his tongue, he thought, idly licking his lips.
Fenris is still watching him closely, still intently but…with something different in his gaze now. There was a softening in the corners of his eyes that Anders hadn't noticed before.
"May I see your arm?" Anders asked, trying to break the silence.
Fenris stiffened a little, and Anders cocked an eyebrow when the elf turned his gaze away, ears lowering. "I…I would like that too much. Especially if you used…magic."
"That's right," Anders muttered, mentally hitting himself upside the head. "I'd forgotten you were sensitive. Well, did you clean it out with soap?"
"Even though it stung like blazes? Yes," Fenris growled, making Anders smile.
"Good. I'll fix it later when we're both…er, a bit better behaved," he offered.
"That would be acceptable," the elf said.
They spent the rest of the evening together, quietly discussing their current course and what they thought would happen once they reached Denerim. When Anders drifted off, Fenris was still sitting there, his low voice soothing and gentle as the mage fell asleep.
The last few days of the voyage were, for Anders at least, very insightful, at least in terms of understanding Fenris. The elf would visit during the day, but it was at night that he would break that respectable, friendly distance he kept up during daylight hours. Anders didn't have a problem with that; indeed, if they truly wanted privacy, Fenris had chosen an excellent time. Most of the crew would be in bed, and Zevran and Wynne had usually retired to their own beds by the time his scarred warrior crept in to see him.
It was nice to see that despite prior experiences, Fenris could be sneaky and sly when he wanted to be.
Physically, they had not ventured beyond kissing and the occasional embrace after that first night, and Anders wryly thought that it was probably for the best. Fenris always requested that the mage close his eyes and hold still, and he always initiated the encounters. He also never allowed Anders up from the bed, which both touched and annoyed the healer. He was nearly well enough to leave the bed permanently, but he was touched because Fenris was trying to be considerate of his injuries. Even when he touched him on his face or throat, the elf would touch Anders very gently. Anders firmly controlled himself in their encounters, keeping his hips still and his arms down on the bed. Fenris also held back, though he had noted Anders' enthusiastic verbal responses to his gentle attentions.
"So passionate," the elf murmured one evening, trailing a finger down the side of the mage's face. "So desperate."
"You try being celibate for nearly a decade and see if you're not a little eager yourself," Anders shot back, leaning into the touch, eyes closed as always.
"It's more than that," Fenris said thoughtfully.
Anders winced a little. "Yes…yes it is. I never thought that we'd…that we'd end up together. Most of my dreams of you ended with you ripping my heart out and stomping on it."
"Literally or figuratively?"
"Both."
Fenris pulled back, leaving Anders to only guess how the elf was looking at him now. "Is that how you truly saw me?"
Anders fidgeted nervously, biting at his lip. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter, to make sure they didn't open. "Well…at the time? Yes. I wasn't joking when I called you nothing more than a wild dog. All I had ever seen of you was violence. And when any magisters or mages came into play, it just seemed to make you even more vicious."
"And yet you still desired me?"
Anders laughed softly. "Yes. Even with Justice in my head, I could still think of a few ways your phasing abilities could come in handy."
"Oh?" Fenris asked, his voice warming. He settled back down on the mage, chin resting gingerly on the mage's still healing chest, his fingers going to play with the shark tooth that Anders had managed to make into a protective pendant. Anders wiggled slightly before stilling, enjoying the simple contact. "And what did you come up with?"
"I'm sure you could imagine," Anders hedged.
"Indulge me," Fenris commanded. "I would hear what wicked things you thought up, healer. Show me how devious you were, even back when you hated me."
"Well," Anders drawled. "I'd imagine that you could scratch someone who has an itch under their armor. That way they wouldn't have to take it off."
"You jest."
"A little," the mage smirked. "And I bet if you weren't so stunning you'd make a wonderful pickpocket."
He mentally patted himself on the back when the elf stammered slightly at the compliment. "I-I…stunning?"
"Yep," Anders nodded. "I've never been with an ugly person before, so obviously you are stunning."
Fenris didn't reply to that, and Anders hadn't expected him to. The elf had to have been one few people Anders had ever met that truly did not know how desirable they were. Fenris did not feign ignorance to garner more compliments, to bathe in that loving glow – he truly did not know.
So Anders had made it a personal mission to enlighten the elf.
"You truly mean that, don't you?"
The question is soft, searching. Anders, still blind, can only smile helplessly.
"I wish I had known this when I was younger," he said lightly. "But sometimes it's not just a person's looks that makes them beautiful."
Fenris sat up at that, fingers drifting over the mage's face once more. "I should go," he said softly. "Perhaps next time I will be ready with my own flattery."
"You're all too welcome to try," Anders smirked. He turned into the palm that lingered on his cheek, kissing it before it drew away. When he opened his eyes once more, Fenris was gone.
