Chapter 12: What About Me

"Oh my god!" Makoto yells, covering his eyes. Nagisa peeps around curiously from behind him and doesn't seem nearly as disturbed.

Haruka extracts his head from between Rin's thighs.

"My bad. Forgot to lock the door," Rin says. "Hi."

"Hello, Rin," Makoto mumbles, still hiding his face. "Welcome home. Please put on pants."

Rin has forgotten exactly where he left his pants, and has to go looking for them. He eventually locates them on one of Haruka's bedposts and his boxers on the closet doorknob, and returns to company holding a pair of Haruka's looser jeans.

"Didn't think you wanted to put the breeches back on," he says, tossing the pants to Haruka, who pulls them on. Makoto finally uncovers his eyes.

"Thank you," he says awkwardly. He has suspected for a long time that what Haru felt for Rin is not entirely platonic, but it doesn't change that fact that walking in on his best friend blowing someone is weird. He's not sure if the fact that it's Rin makes it better or worse.

"So, ah… what's new?" Rin asks. "Nagisa, when did you get back?"

"End of this school year," Nagisa says cheerily. "I'm in the circus for trick riding! I learned it while I was in New York City – I interned with a big circus over the summers and holidays."

Makoto clears his throat.

"Haru. Um. We came by to ask if you'd talked to Rin about going up to Saratoga. Did you… um… talk?"

Rin is grinning like a loon, and Makoto sighs.

"I'll take that as a no."

"Nah, we talked," Rin says. "I have to go back up on Sunday. You lot are welcome to stay with me and the Lochlanns. Coyote Blue's racing next Thursday, and she'll probably have at least two other chases between then and the Turf Writers Cup. After the Cup we're going home."

Rin freezes.

Home.

He called Ireland home.

"Their home," he corrects himself hastily. No one says anything for a few minutes.

"Rin, do you have videos from your races?" Nagisa asks. "I haven't been able to find them! The only one I could find online was the Topham."

"Well, there's video of the one where a horse nearly brained me, but I don't know if you want to watch that," Rin says. "And there might be a couple online of me at the bigger tracks."

Nagisa must have developed a morbid streak, because he sounds really enthusiastic about watching Rin almost die.

"Well, you didn't die," he pouts when Rin asks if he's nuts, and Rin says all right, they can watch it.

Haruka does not want to watch Rin get kicked in the head by a speeding horse, but he doesn't say anything as Rin steals his computer and sets up Youtube.

Rin hasn't watched this race. Ever.

He watches Practical Demon stumble right out of the gate, catch himself, and bolt down the track.

He watches himself cling desperately to the stallion's mane long enough to shove his foot back into the iron.

He watches Practical Demon hit the fence.

By some miracle, Rin is not crushed under Practical Demon's body, but thrown clear. By another miracle, Practical Demon staggers to his feet and avoids the field.

Rin watches the fourth place horse's left hind hoof crack him in the head. The sound can be heard even on the poor recording.

He looks over to see that Nagisa is fascinated, Makoto is looking at Rin as if to make sure that he's not dead, and Haruka is huddled in the corner of his bed, hugging his knees to his chest. Rin is the only one who notices before Haru composes himself.

Honestly, Rin has to compose himself. He never watched the race. He didn't see the grimness of his own body lying lifeless on the track, the blood seeping from under his helmet, the urgency of the ambulance.

For the first time, Rin thinks he might be scared.

This could happen again. Worse. He could end up sidelined for a year, or crippled.

He could end up like his dad.


Rin calls home to tell his mother he's staying at Haru's, that he'll be home for at least a little bit tomorrow and Sunday before he heads out.

Nagisa and Makoto go home after watching a few more of Rin's races – two on Coyote Blue at the big tracks, three on other horses for other trainers.

When the door closes behind them, Rin takes Haruka into his arms.

"I'm sorry," he says. "You don't like the races, do you?"

Haruka closes his eyes and leans against Rin's chest, slipping his arms around Rin's waist.

"It's not that I don't like you racing," he mumbles. "I don't like watching you get hurt. And I'm always scared that you'll get hurt."

Rin rests his chin on Haru's shoulder. He can't promise that he won't get hurt again. He can't even promise to be careful, because careful doesn't win, and it doesn't even guarantee you won't kill yourself. There's an old adage on the racetrack: It's not if you'll get hurt. It's how often and how badly.

Haruka knows that. He knows that Rin won't ride defensively, won't lose focus on winning for the sake of saving his own skin.

"Is Ireland home?" he whispers.

Rin's mouth opens, but he doesn't speak for a minute.

Is it? He's lived there for three years. His career is there. Charlotte and her father, practically adopted family, are there. And they own Coyote Blue.

Rin wonders if he could buy her. Probably not until the end of her career. She has potential to be one of the best 'chase horses in the world, and Rin doesn't want her to retire anytime soon. The oldest horse to win the National was fifteen. Coyote Blue will probably be done racing by then, but she could easily run for another five years.

Finally, his mind returns to the boy in his arms, who has hidden his face against Rin's chest.

"I don't know," Rin whispers. "You and Izza and the guys and my family are here. If I could win the National and then bring Coyote Blue here, I'd be sure." He releases a choked laugh, and a couple of tears slide down his nose and drip into Haru's hair.

Haruka turns his head up and kisses Rin softly.

"What about me?" he asks, remembering how he didn't say it when Rin told him he was leaving.

Rin thinks of something.

"Come with me," he says.

Haru tilts his head.

"To Saratoga on Sunday. And then… Haru, come with me to Ireland."

"I'm not going to be your racetrack wife, Rin," Haruka says flatly. "And what about Izza? You want me to leave her, like you did?"

Rin takes a step back, and there's pain in his eyes.

"No…" he whispers. "No, I'd take her too. I have the money now, I could – "

"And what about me?" Haruka demands. "It's all you think about, your racing, your new horse, your new dream. What about the dream you gave up for racing? What about my dream that I gave up for you? What about the life I have now, with your old horse and our old friends? I'm not moving to Ireland. You choose your place, Rin. If it's here, you have me."

Haruka's eyes are fierce, sharper than Rin has ever seen them, but there are tears threatening to spill. This is the pain of a three-year-old betrayal.

"Rin, I love you," Haruka continues. "But that's not all there is of me and it never will be. I want to do Grand Prix dressage. I don't care about the Olympics, but I want to learn, to go to clinics, to ride a horse who can teach me instead of the other way around. And Izza, she's happy enough, but she's not mine. If you can afford to take her to Ireland now, you owe that to her. And you owe it to me."

This is the most that Rin has ever heard Haruka say at once. And it hurts, but Rin knows he's right. He's been self-absorbed, distant. He's been a fucking awful friend, for sure.

"Do you want me to go?" Rin asks quietly.

Haruka shakes his head.

"No. Stay as long as you want."

Haruka is not sorry, and he's not about to say that he is. But when Rin makes to set up on the couch, Haru takes Rin's arm and wordlessly invites him to bed.

Rin falls asleep curved around Haru's body, legs tangled, his arm draped over Haru's slim waist.

End Chapter

Fanfurl: I'm not going to lie, the accent is one of the reasons I sent Rin to Ireland in this fic :P Sorry, no cure for the ladyboner. Also, I'm glad you thought the sex scene was written well ^.^ It was heavily inspired by an RP I had on tumblr.