Last chapter! Thank you to everyone and anyone who has followed, favourited or reviewed this story - if it weren't for you I probably would never have finished this. Your support has been great and I really don't think I deserve it. Even so, it's been a pleasure writing this for you guys and I love you all for reading it!
Okay, I'm so sorry if this chapter doesn't live up to anyone's expectations, but I honestly couldn't think of another way to end the story. Please feel free to ask me any questions by once you've read it. Thank you!
It had been two months now. Two whole months and she still hadn't seen him. After just a few days she had started to worry and now it had been eight weeks. She looks into the mirror as she sits at her dresser, the few candles alight in the room casting flickering shadows across her pale face, making the rings that hooded her eyes appear darker than usual. She clenches her hands in her lap, trying to force out the slight tremor they now held, caused by worry, guilt and tiredness.
The nightmares had returned the evening she got back to Camelot and they had become more vivid than ever. She had several every night now, the druids, Merlin and Uther all making their regular appearances.
Her finger nails have been bitten down to nothing, but her teeth always find something to gnaw on, be it the nail itself or the skin around it. Gwen had told her off a few days ago because she had made her thumb bleed, saying that it wasn't ladylike and her hands needed to look elegant for the ball tonight. She can hear the music, the laughter and the chatter from her chambers. Balls and feasts had been her most favourite thing as a child. Mainly because it meant wearing pretty dresses and frustrating Arthur as he tried to dance with her. She loved the different colours of the other ladys' gowns and how at each event she would always pick the dress she liked the most and then try to remember it.
She had refused this one, though. The thought of everyone asking her how she was, whether she wanted to dance and having to use that false smile (an expression she could just about still do) was almost unbearable. It hadn't been much of a fight, anyway. Uther had quickly agreed to her absence at the ball, of course, not wanting his strong, independent ward to be presented as a frail, young girl. After all, he had a kingdom to 'protect' and her looking so fragile could make the enemy think that he was weak too, which could mean a possible attack on Camelot.
She wasn't exactly sure who the enemy was, but she knew Camelot must have a lot of them. Like Lady Catarine. On the morning she had been supposed to get married to Uther, her body had been strangely found in a sty under the castle. Uther was heartbroken - his beloved wife-to-be he had known for days, murdered and cruelly taken from him, or words to that effect. After that, a rumor had been started that Catarina was actually a troll, but she really couldn't care less if Uther had been about to marry a beast or not.
Arthur still hadn't spoken to her since she had revealed her magic to him. Well, he made idle chat with her in front of Uther, just so he didn't suspect anything, but only things about how the weather was today, a new tournament was coming up and was she enjoying the food?
Although, one night, when she'd had a particularly horrific nightmare, he had comforted her. He'd come barging through the door with a sword raised upon hearing her scream, only to find her clutching her bed sheets, her eyes wide with terror. He had hugged her stiffly and wiped the tears away, but didn't didn't soothe her with any words of comfort or reassurance. And then after a few minutes, he just left. She had tried to stop him wanting him to talk to her, but he just ignored her pleas as he walked swiftly out of her chambers. He must've told Gwen about the nightmare, however, as the next day her maid had told her that she realised how traumatic her experience with the druids must have been, because of the increasing nightmares.
And that made her angry that everyone, except Arthur, thought that the druids were the bad guys. It made her regret helping Merlin escape in the first place, because now it looked as though he was actually guilty, which meant that Uther had put out more patrols to try and find him and he had given the order that knights or guards should kill him on sight, anyone else should hand him in straightaway.
"Will that be all, my lady?"
She looks up at the mirror and sees Gwen standing awkwardly in the background.
"Yes, thank you, Gwen," she replies quietly, not turning around around to face her, only looking at her reflection in the mirror.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like me to stay for a while? I don't mind."
"No," she forces a smile. "You should go. Enjoy the feast."
Gwen nods, blows out the candles and gives a small curtsy, before clicking the door shut as she leaves.
She allows herself to be consumed by the silence once more, before she undresses slowly and puts on her night gown, falling into bed. She knows she will not sleep for at least a few hours yet, the music and talking will keep her awake, but maybe she can try and get some rest. She manages to drift off at some point, but is woken when her door creaks open, light spilling onto her bed and face. She turns to face the intruder.
"I know it isn't really you," she whispers sadly.
"It is me," he says and steps into the room, locking the door behind him. Everything goes dark again, so he lights a candle so that she can see him properly again.
"No, it isn't," she shakes her head as he continues to keep a distance between them. "You're not really here."
"I promise I'm real. This isn't a dream, Morgana."
She smiles sadly at him. "You say that everytime. And everytime I reach for you, but you are just thin air. I can never touch you."
"Well, come here then," he says softly but she refuses. "Please? Don't you trust me?"
It is always the hurt and promise in his voice that makes her go to him. The guilt builds up and she cannot resist. She so desperately wants him to be here, not in a dream or a memory. She sits up, swings her feet out of her bed and slowly walks towards him. Reaching out, she cups his cheek with her hand and it feels warm to touch. He doesn't do anything, just stands completely still.
"Merlin?" She whispers in disbelief and he smiles back at her. Her knees buckle and she grabs hold of his jacket as they both crumple to the floor. He hushes her as she sobs, cradling her fragile body into him while brushing her hair out of her face. "I thought y-you were d-dead," she manages to choke out. "I thought-"
"Shh, please, Morgana, it's okay," he tries to calm her but it doesn't work.
Her voice turns cold suddenly and scrapes over his skin. "No, Merlin, it's not okay. You've been gone for two months and I had no idea where you were, if you were hurt, I had no idea if or when you were coming back. Arthur still won't talk to me, Gwen just babbles on about nothing, Gaius ignores me, Uther would kill me if he knew who I really was and he wants your head on a spike... Do you know how lonely it's been? I just feel so tired and sick and worried all the time." Morgana had tried to be angry with him, but in the end it had all come out as a rush, her emotions taking over.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers and feels his own tears burn into his cheeks. He sniffs hard and wipes his eyes on his sleeve, determind not to look too weak in front of her. "Have you been eating properly?"
"Yes," she lies, but the flimsy nightgown does not serve well in hiding her small frame.
His fingers curl around one of her delicate wrists, as though taking a measurement. "You're making yourself ill," he sighs and stands up, helping her to her feet. He walks over to her table, where untouched food from earlier is still piled. He pulls out a chair and she sits on it. He takes a seat on the other side of the table, so that they are facing eachother. He tears off a chunk of bread from a nearby loaf, putting it down in front of her. She stares at it.
"You're supposed to eat it," Merlin enlightens her and she shakes her head, so he nudges it closer. "Please, Morgana? You're wasting away."
"Only if you tell me where you went and what happened in the two months you were away."
"Done," he agrees and she tentatively picks up a piece of bread, turning it over several times in her hands before taking a small bite. "Where would you like me to start?"
"After I helped you escape. Where did you go?" She asks, wiping her tears away before shoving more bread into her mouth.
"I waited until you fell asleep and then ran off in the opposite direction of the camp. I think I got about five miles in the dark and then I slept in a tree at dawn and then when I woke up at about noon, I stated walking again. I did that most days, if I'm honest, apart from when I saw the knights in the forest, then I just hid in the caves and the rocks for a few days," he explains.
"You didn't go back to Ealdor, did you?" She frowns.
"No, I knew Uther would look for me there, so I stayed away."
She breathes a sigh of relief. "Good, because Uther sent out a spy to the village to see if you were hiding there. I was so worried."
"I didn't know the King was so keen to spend his resources on finding me," His brow crumples.
"It's terrible," she says quietly. "He ordered everyone in a council meeting to hand you in immediately if they saw you. Everyone thinks that you're a traitor and you'll do anything for money. That's what Uther says - that the druids paid you to kidnap me."
They fall into a silence and he stares at the table while she continues to eat.
"So why aren't you at the feast, then?" He asks her after she has finished.
"I just feel tired and I don't think I can face all the people and the questions and the talking," she replies and then gives a small yawn to back up her theory. "Uther seems keen to keep me out of the limelight as well. Is that why you came tonight? Because you knew it was on?"
"Actually, I had no idea, but it meant a lot less sneaking around," he smiles and she finds the strength to return the gesture. Footsteps scuttle outside, followed by slurred words and laughter. Eventually, it fades. "I think I should go soon," Merlin says quietly and stands again, pushing his chair back under the table.
Her heart sinks. "What do you mean, go?"
"Well, I can't exactly stay, can I? The whole of Camelot wants me dead for supposedly kidnapping you and working with the druids, it's not as though I can just move back in with Gaius and start my job as a servant again."
"Where will you go, then? Back into the forest?" She stares at him as he nods. He could still manange his destiny from afar - he had snuck into the castle a few weeks ago and killed the Lady Catarina while she slept to stop her from becoming Queen. The Great Dragon himself had yelled at him in his sleep, telling him to get back to Camelot and put an end to that monster, or else. He looks up to see her now standing as well, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"I'll miss you," she whispers and embraces him tightly, not wanting to let go. "You won't be gone long, will you? And you will come and visit me?"
"I don't know how long. A few months? Half a year? A year?" He shrugs.
"A year?!" She looks at him incredulously. "Merlin, if this is what I'm like after two months, what am I going to be like after a year?"
"Exactly," he sighs, "which is why I have to wipe your memory."
"She takes a step back from him and then laughs.
"Oh, really, Merlin? What are you going to do, hit me over the head with a saucepan?"
"Not quite."
"Well, what are you going to use then? Magic?" She smirks, but her eyes widen when he stays silent. "So," she begins harshly. "Were you ever going to tell me you had magic or were you just planning to make me suffer?"
"No, I didn't-" Merlin starts.
"Didn't what?" She snaps angrily and he almost flinches.
"I wanted to tell you, but I knew you would be too hurt and angry. And then it got to the point where we were too close for me to tell you because I knew you would hate me," he explains to her and that is the truth.
"Why are you telling me now, then?" She asks, her eyes narrowing.
"Because you won't remember."
"So that's why you're making me forget? Because you're too cowardly to let me know who you really are?" She glares at him, her green eyes piercing into his own blue ones.
"No. I'm doing this to try and help you! If you remember, you'll keep having all the nightmares... you're making yourself ill!"
"What are you going to make me forget?" She asks in a timid voice, fear now evident on her face.
"Me."
She stumbles backwards and tries to get away, but he is too fast, and grips her shoulders before she can get very far.
"I'll scream," Morgana threatens as she struggles against him.
"What so that Uther can have me executed? Nice one," Merlin says as he fights to hold on to her.
"Yes, well, I'd rather remember that you're dead than forget that you are alive," she hisses and regrets it almost immediately. He releases his grip on her shoulders and stands away from her.
"Do you really mean that?" He whispers.
"No," she shakes her head. "I just - please, Merlin, I don't want to forget. I can deal with the nightmares, I'll be fine. Please?" She gives him a desperate, pleading look.
"I have to do this, I'm sorry," he says, his face hardening.
"I won't let you," she tries again.
"I'm so, so sorry, Morgana. But you really don't have a choice."
The palms of his hands connect with her temples, holding her face firmly, but gently as he begins to chant the spell. She thrashes and kicks at him, to get him to see sense, to try and escape, but he only speaks faster and his grip tightens.
"Merlin, please."
He shakes his head and continues the spell.
"No, Merlin, please, I lov-"
"Adilegian ðy hyge," he finishes and her body goes limp as he catches her. "I'm so sorry," he whispers to the unconscious woman in his arms. He scoops her up and lays her in her bed, pulling the blankets up to her chin. "I'm sorry," he repeats, again and again, tears streaming down his face. She looks so peaceful now, so at rest. He finally manages to tear his eyes from her and gives her hand a squeeze before he blows out the candles, the room dissolving into darkness. He gets to the door and then looks back at her once more, before exiting her chambers, the castle and then walking out into the night.
Thank you for reading.
